thanks Macavity and ChickenLoverWoman.
Sometimes you get these acute bursts of anguish and they pass faster than you think they will. I feel as if this one is thinking about passing off already. thank you.
Food: to fortify myself against not drinking I made a nicer and more substantial dinner than I often would on a Wednesday, and then found myself looking at it thinking "this is the sort of dinner I would usually have with wine". But I got over that and it did make me feel physically more centred than I sometimes do.
I went into an online social situation looking for a little validation and didn't get it and left again, without making an arse of myself or anything, but feeling weirdly exposed as if I did a really odd or weird thing - which I didn't. I am feeling exposed because I want more of those people than they want to give me; they may or may not sense this but I didn't do anything odd; the feeling exposed is just my own feeling, my own feeling of not-enough, not-enough, never-enough.
That's the thing about drink. it's the only thing you can have enough of, or more than enough. you can only eat a certain amount, before you feel sick and full. No one ever loves you enough, let alone more than enough. There's never enough sunshine, never enough good TV; the show always ends, it's always some form of kicking out time. With drink you can just have another and another and another, till the bottle is empty, and then you can go and get another one, and it's never taken away.
till you can't any more. And then it's just emptiness and not enough ness in all directions as far as you can see.