What goes up, must come come down....
Reached 365 days on Tuesday and felt really flat about the whole thing - didn't feel triumphant, proud, better... Just entirely flat. I think it was a trigger for remembering where i had come from, and how bad it had been...
Had been at a party over the weekend where the beer pong was highly competitive - and i know that 12 months previously i would have been all over it, most likely making a total arse of myself - but i felt somehow excluded.... with the people present and the vibe, becks blue for the beer pong wasn't an option!!
A really trying day at work yesterday and all I wanted to do was go home, curl up on the sofa and get very drunk - I haven't felt the pull so strongly for such a long time it left me almost teary... Almost feeling lost somehow...
But, and the 'but' is small, there was a tiny voice asking how it would be better wit the booze and I couldn't answer that - deep down I knew it wasn't going to help, and that after a year the feelings of failure,disappointment etc just wouldn't be worth it.
So i made hot chocolate with an obscene amount of skooshy cream, ate haribo and napped. I didn't particularly feel much better, but i knew I would have felt much worse if i had taken that first drink...
So, yes it's been a year, and mostly it's getting easier, but lordy yesterday was tough - I feel a little worn out by it all... Today is another day, it's Friday and the forecast for the weekend is a little less baltic - woohoo!!
Onwards - we're really doing something worthwhile, even if it doesn't always feel like.....