DRY 18

[vxa2]

Link to old thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2841743-DRY-17

doolaadoo
I'm sorry I've got no advice about the doctor or what to say.
I went out yesterday and it was impossible not to drink.
This birthday celebration had been planned for ages and I know my friend would have been so disappointed if I didn't 'join in'.
However, I was extremely good in pacing myself. Managed to have very little to drink without it being obvious and had lots and lots of water.
Was at home by 9 and sober and in my pj's.
Could sense the relief on DC faces
If only I could be like that all the time.
I'm in such a dark place that I know if I drink the anger will come out.
My DM was upset with me yesterday for going out. She knows I drink too much when I'm with my friend and really turned on me.
But I really could not have got out of it . I hate the fact that I had a drink but pleased I only drunk in moderation.
I guess this is how most 'normal' people enjoy themselves.
Funny though how DH & DC can't wait to turn on me when drunk but don't offer support when I have been 'good'.
Sorry for the ramble.
But day 1 for me now.
for everyone trying to get through this.

Scrubsy what I’m about to say is hard, but true.

You are prioritising alcohol over your family. You absolutely could have not drank, or even better, prioritised your sobriety over everything else and simply not gone. But you made a different choice.

There is no secret to sobriety, I’ve discovered. You have to prioritise it over EVERYTHING, and not pick up the next drink. And that’s it.

There was a thread on Chat yesterday by a woman worried sick because her best friend was drinking heavily and I thought of you.

You can do this, but only if you decide that being sober is your absolute #1 priority.

Donameija you were posting when I first got sober. What made you decide not to bother with AA? Hope you’re well x x

@Marryoneorbecomeone what you wrote to @Scrubsy has just struck a cord with me...the bit about making drink a priority. I do that. I crave sitting down in the evening with a glass of wine and slowly getting numb. I don't think about the fact I have to do a school run.
@Scrubsy my husband drinks heavily, always has so when I do give up, I get no support or congratulations either.....I'm just seen as being dull. I have to resist temptation when he's necking it and the really hard thing is I detest drunk people so inevitably there are arguments. I think this is a case again of " if you can't beat um, may as well join um ".

Everything seems so complex right now but by giving up drinking means I'll be able to move into the future knowing the decisions I make are sober ones. I have to prioritise myself and my children and not let drink get the better of me.

Thank you doolaadoo. I used to think of alcohol as like lifting the weight on a pressure cooker - all the steam rushes out and you feel ok again. Except that’s completely inaccurate. An AA friend said to me “when you think you might pick up, play the movie to the end of the tape.” What she meant was that the end of the scene isn’t relaxing nicely on the sofa, it actually ends with feeling terrible/anxious/unwell/hurting others and ourselves.

I started to associate alcohol with feeing rotten, and sobriety with waking up feeling good about myself.

My husband drinks but never at home which is at my insistence. In that way he’s supportive. But this is absolutely my journey, not his.

Marryoneorbecomeone
Had to read your post a couple of times and you are absolutely right.
I didn't have to drink.
I know it wasn't good but I'm pleased I didn't think 'oh fuck it' and get hammered.
My husband drinks ( a lot). The problem with me is that all my emotions come out when I've had a drink. He can then use this as another stick to beat me with.
When I go through times of not drinking he can be just as nasty.
I think that's why I do it. I kind of think 'well what's the point '.
Also the numbing of everything.
But bow my DC are noticing so I know I need to stop.
Sorry rambling again!

now
I also see it as slightly self harming if that makes sense?

now
I also see it as slightly self harming if that makes sense?

Yes absolutely it’s self harming. Thanks for not taking offence at my post, it can’t have made easy reading.

You say your emotions come out when you’re drunk and you drink because your husband is unkind to you. I’d suggest another way of looking at it. If you have an unhappy relationship with your husband, alcohol will help to sustain it. That might not make sense but it’s true. It takes away your abilities to make sensible decisions and demand more from him and from your life. But it’s hard because you have to sit with it all. If you really really want to know why you’re drinking, stop drinking. What comes up will quite possibly be terrifying but it will be real, for you.

What’s surprised me is how many relationships break down after one party has got sober. The dynamic changes totally, and at the very least, it’s one less stick to be beaten with.

That isn’t to say that your marriage will break down if you stop drinking but it absolutely will change. Do you want that change to happen?

Sorry- I do not want to shoe horn myself in, but if I may say something about Marry's points. I will admit that one reason why I kept drinking was because I was afraid of what might lie underneath the surface in terms of my relationship with DH. Drinking sort of covered things up... blurred the edges. It made the things that drove me to distraction or despair easier to hide from myself.

I am not sure what might change in my relationship- but I know that drinking is one way I strip self confidence from myself. The day after I really tie one on I am so fearful... desperate to read any cues that DH might throw my way about how he was feeling about me- if he wanted to end things etc. Not drinking these past few weeks- i feel stronger, more resilient and way more confident. I am not sure what may happen to us, but I think I am feeling that at long last I matter, what I want and feel matters.

Scrubsy - is there an Alateen meeting near you that your children could go to? Or Alanon? I wish I'd known about it when I was a child.

Hi marry I'm not going to AA because I can't get to the meetings. I am getting a lot of online support though. Both here and on a Facebook group. Its lovely to see your success. I

marry I am very well thank you. I think drink and I have split up for good. Through a self inflicted aversion therapy.
I feel 'over it' which I haven't really wanted to post because its clear that others are struggling nor do I want to have people I'm on my pink cloud. The fact is that I am honestly terrified that if I drink again it will kill me.
All the fears I had before about not enjoying a party or a holiday, Christmas etc have gone because the harsh fact is that if I carried on I'm not sure how many Christmas/birthdays I'd have left.
The little voice has gone. I don't need to find a 'nice' drink in the evening.
I even took to a dancefloor. Sober. Which I don't think I have ever done. That was the only thing I thought I couldn't do without a drink and it turns out I can

Dapplegrey
I don't think that is necessary yet. Their lives have not been affected too much.
Their dad can be very emotionally abusive towards me. Which they don't see. The problem is when I've had a drink I bite back.
So they see me as the one with the problem.
He doesn't help matters. When I pour a drink it will be 'easy' 'careful' ' you know what you can get like'.
In front if them. It's like he is goading me.
This does not happen a lot. But more than I like.
I also want to stop burying my head in the sand about my marriage.

Please please don't think my children are suffering. They don't see much of it

Scrubsy you are kidding yourself. Your children will have picked up on the emotional abuse and tension even without the drinking, his, and yours. The fact that you’re noticing that they and everyone else is commenting on your drinking, and on edge, SHOWS it’s affecting them. They deserve better. I’m the child of an alcoholic and it absolutely shaped me. He doesn’t see himself as a drunk, he thinks he’s functional blah blah, but of course often couldn’t remember the things I and my siblings can never forget.

You need to prioritise sobriety now, for them. To pretend they’re not affected is cruel.

Marryoneorbecomeone
I took your first reply to me on the chin. I came here to get support.
Not to be attacked like this. I have tried to be open and honest BUT I do not need your criticism.
My DC are doing ok. I'm not that fucking bad but I was worried i was going down that road.
Thanks for your help.
Over & out

scrubsy you are feeling low and I think you are lashing out at someone who has tried to help you.
Maybe take a break from here but you will very likely need support. I'm on Club soda alcohol free. Between the two I'm enjoying sobriety and the support.

Scrubsy it isn’t an attack, but it’s the horrible reality of drinking. The bits that scare and horrify me around my own drinking are all related to my children. I told myself that they were oblivious but of course they weren’t.

In the end it was their deserving better that got me sober and keep me that way. You clearly care deeply for your family, use that love to stay strong for them.

Donameija well done on the club soda! I’m having a herb tea. Quite soothing!

We all do indeed deserve better.Alcohol whispers false promises in our ears and takes away more than it ever gives. Sometimes it takes everything.

Yep. “Cunning and baffling.”

Afternoon all..

I walked out of Morrisons yesterday - the lure of the wine aisle was too strong!

Had been at a funeral and the whole process really seemed to feed into the old habits - I just wanted to buy wine, go home and drink till I passed out. 13 months ago I would have done that without thinking twice about it...

Despite there being 20+ bottles of gin and whiskey in the house in preparation for Christmas I haven’t been tempted to touch those... it was wine I craved.... it was oblivion I truly wanted.

I was a bit freaked out by the intensity of my feelings so I literally legged it out of the shop feeling overwhelmed and a little disappointed/ embarrassed somehow...

It’s been said before on here that milestones can be very triggering - I.e. I’ve reached a year, surely I could have just one..... but it terrified me, cos I know one will lead to two and then I’ll loose count til the blackness comes.... so removing myself felt like the sensible option....

Not loving it currently, but doubling my determination - my name is BGJ4, and I’m not going back

Well done @BGJ43. For what it's worth, you are an inspiration for many. Me especially. I just hope one day I have your determination.

Day two.

Again.

I didn’t feel very inspirational yesterday.... but thank you for your kind words...

It’s taken me a long time to get my head around where I need to be, I was in denial for such a long time, still drinking but knowing it had to stop... so it has been a gradual process, a lot of thinking energy was expended in reaching where I am now...

And it’s still not easy, it’s getting easier, but it’s never easy....

I’m pretty happy this thread is buzzing again - it’s a big help...

Onwards!!