I am in love with a bloody alcoholic - come and tell me it will be okay

[veronicasawyerheartsjd]

He is in recovery - it has been a month since his last drink.

We met online 4 months ago and things moved fast - he lives an hour away and by the time we met face to face we were spending anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every evening chatting on Whatsapp and the phone. He disarmed me with his honesty and acceptance, and I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to. He is also autistic - so is my son - so he was the first man I have met in 4 years of being single who could have any understanding of what my homelife is like, and he felt that I was one of the rare people who understood the way he works too.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings and had stopped before - he was going to try stopping again really soon.

So it goes without saying, when we eventually met up we got on like a house on fire. We spent the weekend together and I drove home and deleted all of my dating apps thinking "when you know you know". He didn't even seem to drink that much. We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

I was devestated but didn't contact him for 3 weeks - then sent him a card saying I was there if he needed me (he had moved to a town where he didn't know anyone just before we met). The cycle started again. We dated, he finished it, swore he was giving up drinking and would be in touch when he was sober.

I had presuaded him to see a local drug and alcohol service for help with detoxing - a week or so later I messaged him to say good luck with his appointment - it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed).

He has been sober since that day. He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet, but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future. He is honest about his limitations and positive about his future, but this is driving me crazy.

I check my emails every half an hour - I think about him constantly. Seriously, I don't fall in love easily, and I don't have a martyr complex, but I feel like I am addicted to HIM.

I am aware that it would be a stupid idea for him to get into a relationship at this stage, but I can't even work out if I am being dumb waiting for him as there is no chance of a positive outcome or if this is something amazing and I just need to give it time and be patient.

I also haven't got a clue how to support him. A lot of the stuff online is aimed at long term partners and close family members of alcoholics.

Has anyone been through similar?

Arghh, no paragraphs! Why did that happen... a medal if you manage to get through all of that!

It's hard when it's you in this situation.

I would say to carry on living your life. Reinstall your dating apps, if you feel the need to meet someone. Create your own interests to keep you occupied. If it's meant to be, you will still be ready when he is. Just don't pin all your hopes on it.

Tbh that's what I would advise anyone, regardless of his addition but it especially holds true in your case.

I can see paragraphs! 😀

I am sorry.

He needs to use what energy he has to try and get to grips with his addiction- starting a new relationship will not support him in this but rather siphon off some of that energy so that neither you nor his recovery process get his best.

If it were me, I would be trying to act as a compassionate friend, and put his needs above my own- he needs to be allowed to focus on developing sobriety.

He needs to make this the most important thing in his life and really focus on it. I would let Ginny recover and reassess 6 months down the line

Good luck. Just as long as you realise that you will always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, come second to alcohol.

I think it is also clear from what he is saying is that he is not ready for a relationship, which sounds sensible. So far you have been a great and supportive friend, I think that is the best you can hope for in the foreseeable future.

Thanks, it must be an app glitch.

I am terrified of losing him if I back off too much - I feel like an idiot. I went on three dates after he finished it the first time - one of the men I sae three times. I came home and cried after each date, and found myself getting annoyed with the man who I saw three times just for not being "him". It almost feels self destructive dating other people

I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to.

Be very careful. Many alcoholics are extremely good at mirroring.

I haven't been through this myself but I work with people with alcohol problems and honestly the last thing this man needs would be to start a new relationship.

He needs to focus on himself and his problems first. Take a step back, stop checking your emails, give him the space to deal with his problems. Carry on with your own life. Don't get too emotionally invested in him especially as you have a son. Alcoholism is a very complex problem and to be honest I wouldn't want to get involved with that when there are children to consider.

4 months is no time at all and you really need to let him get better before you consider any kind of relationship.

Well, don't date for a while. Recover. It's intense being involved in such dramatic events even if they are quite scary.

I've had a huge crush on a married man and what helped was thinking about him as much as i liked, but only ever with his wife (even though I'd never met her). Only think of him having fits and rambling incoherently and incapable, but think about that as much as you like.

Madge MrsFloss giques thanks for your sound advice. I really do understand that he shouldn't get into a new relationship right now, it's so bloody tough to meet a wonderful man and not be able to be with him though. I am worried I will go mad just trying to be his friend, but it feels wrong not having him in my life now.

I would seriously run for the hills. This is not a man who is able to give you what you deserve.

There are other good men. Give him space to heal and leave him to do it with his sponsor and others who have been in his life longer supporting him.

Neither of you can effectively meet the other's needs now. That may change, or not.

Please act in his best interests- he does not need a new relationship or even friendship right now.

I understand a bit, was in a similar spot myself when much younger. Tbf it sounds too much too soon. He's right, if he's going to be sober he needs to focus on that right now. Down the road if/when he manages to stay sober you can try again, and if he doesn't manage it you're better off out of it.

Most rehab/therapy/12-step programmes suggest waiting a year before starting a romantic relationship.

When you say you feel addicted to him, that is not really a good sign, for you or for him. The idea that you 'had to pull him out of a nasty hole' sounds like codependency. May I ask what your relationships have been like in the past?

Be very careful. Many alcoholics are extremely good at mirroring.

This. With bells on.

I can't express what a disaster this is waiting to happen. You are addicted bcs he's in the high octane stage of addiction (and will be there for a good few years). Truly, whatever you get going with him will be a nightmare - on stilts. The drama will NOT calm down, it will soar.

Apart from that, you're dangerously lining up for a codependent relationship should this train crash get going. Hello torture.

Perhaps go to CODA. Or SLAA. Whatever you do, steer clear. Focus on yourself, your going to need it.

Anyone in such early stages of recovery would be strongly advised but to get into a new relationship.

Not to

And don't be pulled into a "codependent" situation. You really haven't known him that long and it's not up to you to be helping him. Be a friendly ear by all means but you're not responsible for him, focus on your DS. Has he any family or close friends?

Loads to chew on - I appreciate your honesty everyone who has replied. Its bedtime for my two now but I will reply properly later.

I don't think it will be ok.
i had one of them. I offloaded him because his disease was too much of a burden emotionally and financially.

good luck to you. someone has to take him in and have the feeding and caring of him.
i suppose it might as well be you.

If you read your post objectively, as though someone else had written it, you would know the answer. If your son lves with you, for both of your sakes dont continue your new relationship. you dont need someone else to worry about and look after. life is tough!

Run. Now.
My cousin could charm the birds out of a tree but as an alcoholic he knew exactly how to cover his tracks and appear the most plausible person ever. You're in love with an illusion, and he won't be able to sustain it for long before the drink takes over. He may be in rehab but he needs to be dry for at least 12 months before you get involved- being 'addicted' to him so early smacks of infatuation, always a danger as you're not thinking this through.
Cousin has been through rehab, private and NHS at least 8 times and still drinks a litre of vodka plus 8 pints of cider a day yet if you met him he'd be charm personified to get what he wanted. His wife still sticks with him but has a hell of a life, please don't go the same way.

Don't be a rebound relationship for him! Alcohol isn't even any kind of "ex" for him: it's still a very, very current and volatile relationship for him.

Well it won't be ok. He is an alcoholic. That's for life. He will struggle, he will relapse, he will lie to you, he will push you away then guilt you into coming back because he "needs" you, he will get sober again and repeat the cycle. Meanwhile your energy reserves are being spent on this guy (who you could have walked away from at 4 months in) when you have two children (one with autism) to raise alone and who are actually deserving of those energy reserves.

In your shoes I would tell him "great, look me up when you're 1000 days dry and we'll see where we both are in terms of relationships. Best of luck"

Because if he is your "one" (there is no such thing as a one) then he will still be your one when he is properly sober and in a good place to love you as you should be loved.

It's only been 4 months how bad can it be?