I am in love with a bloody alcoholic - come and tell me it will be okay

[veronicasawyerheartsjd]

He is in recovery - it has been a month since his last drink.

We met online 4 months ago and things moved fast - he lives an hour away and by the time we met face to face we were spending anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every evening chatting on Whatsapp and the phone. He disarmed me with his honesty and acceptance, and I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to. He is also autistic - so is my son - so he was the first man I have met in 4 years of being single who could have any understanding of what my homelife is like, and he felt that I was one of the rare people who understood the way he works too.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings and had stopped before - he was going to try stopping again really soon.

So it goes without saying, when we eventually met up we got on like a house on fire. We spent the weekend together and I drove home and deleted all of my dating apps thinking "when you know you know". He didn't even seem to drink that much. We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

I was devestated but didn't contact him for 3 weeks - then sent him a card saying I was there if he needed me (he had moved to a town where he didn't know anyone just before we met). The cycle started again. We dated, he finished it, swore he was giving up drinking and would be in touch when he was sober.

I had presuaded him to see a local drug and alcohol service for help with detoxing - a week or so later I messaged him to say good luck with his appointment - it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed).

He has been sober since that day. He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet, but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future. He is honest about his limitations and positive about his future, but this is driving me crazy.

I check my emails every half an hour - I think about him constantly. Seriously, I don't fall in love easily, and I don't have a martyr complex, but I feel like I am addicted to HIM.

I am aware that it would be a stupid idea for him to get into a relationship at this stage, but I can't even work out if I am being dumb waiting for him as there is no chance of a positive outcome or if this is something amazing and I just need to give it time and be patient.

I also haven't got a clue how to support him. A lot of the stuff online is aimed at long term partners and close family members of alcoholics.

Has anyone been through similar?

Hi There,

sorry to be harsh but... seriously what are you thinking letting an alcoholic into your life? especially when you have a son who should be your number 1 priority.

Its so hard to reach out to someone who cant or won't be helped. and its good you're looking for love. But your family dosent deserve to welcome in chaos, and it seems youre actually chasing it

find someone wonderful who deserves you, who will enhance your life, not take away from it :)

G

Have to agree you're as much in denial as he is, as much of an addict.

Codependency isn't for you anymore?? Erm I think you'll find its a lifetime thing, as with all addictions. You know this. You don't get to slough it off - ever. You learn how to arrest it a day at a time, there's no leaving it behind.

I'm not judging you; I was in a similar position myself- I would just say keep away because it's going to be complicated. There is no silver bullet with alcoholism. And if you can avoid someone with these issues then do.

Even if you do get into a relationship with him, and help him through his recovery, there's a good chance he'll break it off when he's "better", claiming that he associates you with those dark days of addiction/recovery. I have been in that situation.

Another poster here to say that you're right to work on your self esteem. When you value yourself more i think you will see the situation in a clearer light.
Fwiw, I married an active alcholic although I didn't realise as I was young and naive and in denial. After several years of EA and increasingly alarming behaviour I managed to split with him when my DD was 4. He continued to drink and make terrible decisions. When my DD was 13 I had to break the news that her father had taken his own life.
If I had had a greater sense of self worth there was no way I would have entered willingly into a relationship where I and my DD ALWAYS came second to alcohol.
I have been through years of therapy for my own mh issues and I recognise that I was attracted to the rescuer role and that if I concentrated on his problems I could then ignore my own mh .
I wish you strength and fortitude to build the walls around you and your DC. Don't let anyone breach them unless they are able to be a trustworthy, kind and stable person. I'm not advocating avoiding people with "issues" because everybody has issues, right? But how someone deals with those issues is the crucial element here. You and your DC can manage perfectly well without this man. And then you will be in a position to find the real person who can value you in the way you deserve. Save yourself ftom the emotional rollercoaster you are on, I guarantee that in years to come you will be glad you dodged this partcular bullet.

Im glad that you have compassion and understanding for people with addictions. So I recommend that you walk away from this man and use your compassion to work as a volunteer in a project which helps addicts. You will receive training, support and supervision and you will be able to support women with addictions and their families.

The rest of the time you can focus on your kids and finding a decent job to support them ( I'm assuming you don't work if you are a single parent of two kids spending 5 hours a day online to him.)

@Clopysow -me too, regards the anxiety. I've been having EMDR therapy and after my last session I felt like a weight had been taken from me. I hadn't realised how anxious I was because I had always been anxious. It was normal to me. Now to learn how to make that feeling more permanent.

The same about being in my own too. Been separated for over 2 years and of course I'm being encouraged to date. It's our society's default, looking for a partner if you're single. But I just don't trust myself to choose well, I'm too fucked up in that area. Besides I'm enjoying being on my own.

OP there's some great advice on this thread, people have been very generous. I wish you well in your journey of recovery.

SOph1a I am a registered carer for my son and work part time freelance - I gave up a well paid career to take on an undervalued and important role in society - what an uneccesary and uncalled for dig to assume I am unemployed because I am a single Mum who finds time when the kids are in bed or visiting their Dad to indulge in pursuing an adult relationship

I have thought a lot about my role in this relationship over the last 24 hours and am realising it is not healthy. I am going to change things. I don't want to be his rescuer - it is not good for either of us or my son and daughter. I am not sure I can walk away completely at the moment but I now have a better understanding ofnthe dynamics and the need for him to nit be in a romantic relationship at this stage if his life.

I read up loads online last night

Good luck Veronica, i hope things work out well for you🍀

Thankyou provider, and to all of the others who have shared their personal experiences and given me good advice.

God, veronica. You're being a bit of a pain in the arse here girl. I would put it more delicately, or kindly, but you trample over everything said, no matter how carefully put, in a rather high-handed way.

It's so up to you if you want to learn the hard way. But it isn't up to your kids. They are in your wake, in your power. And on you blithely go with your nose in the air, thinking you know it all and how dare anyone not recognise your superiority.

You would be dragging your kids through it with you. I hope there are enough people on hand to report you should you pursue this relationship.

springy I do not understand how you have come to the conclusion that at any point I have belittled or ignored measured advice given in good faith, I have pulled up a couple of posters who have suggested I get a job, need reporting to social services (?) or that I am a hun for not agreeing with them 100%. I apologise for not being tolerant of such personal and uncalled for comments. I think we must be on different threads.

I used to be a prolific poster on this board years ago, but haven't posted for about three years. There's definitely more snobbery and bitchiness amongst the helpful, strong posters I remember loving the relationships board for. People on here helped me recognise and get out of an abusive relationship - that's why I came back here for advice again.

I feel like a broken record, but it seems I am coming across ungrateful and dismissive to some, but big thanks to you who have been supportive, given me insight into some harsh truths about getting involved with an alcoholic and the insightful and kind PMs I have received. I am going about changing the dynamic in this relationship and my attitude to it. This may involve completely walking away, this may involve asking him to stay away for a while so I can reassess his and my situation in the future once he has a year or so sober under his belt. I don't know yet. If that is not enough of a change in viewpoint and intended actions for some posters I apologise - this isn't a fucking interactive soap opera.

Springdaffs post was shitty.

I'm not sure how you came to that conclusions after OP's last few posts @springydaffs

@veronicasawyerheartsjd I think you've done so well over the course of this thread. You have taken a lot on board in a short time and are making good decisions no matter how hard they are. Good on ya gal.

@S0ph1a
I'm a single parent, i work full time and study. I spend shitloads of time online.

I am going to change things. I don't want to be his rescuer - it is not good for either of us or my son and daughter

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh,dear.

No one can be an alcoholic's rescuer. If that is what you think you are then you have not read up properly on the issue and I would think it will end badly.

Only the alcoholic can fix themselves. And in my, albeit limited, experience the new non-alcoholic is a different beast to the previous alcoholic one. I think they can leave their marriage or relationship once teetota, or so whatever? - they aren't the same person they were when drinking, they aren't that person but nicer, they are/can be quite different people. And want quite different things from their lives as it is now a new opportunity.

Gloria I will rephrase that; I don't want to get into a situation where I try to be his rescuer. I am aware he has to do the work himself. I am referring to the fact I am realising casting myself in a role as his supposed rescuer in my head is a stupid thing to do.

@GloriaV

Rescuer is actually a term used in psychology to describe what the op has identified. It sounds to me like she has been doing plenty of reading. Give her a break.

Gloria: patronising - no need for it.

I'm glad to hear that you have had second thoughts about this relationship. And suggesting that you look for work / full time work wasn't a dig, I don't know why you would think that - it was a constructive suggestion.

Spending 30 hours a week online with this man won't help you and your kids. Building your career and earning more will.

This person will suck up all your time and energy for YEARS and leave you with nothing. It's not " pursuing an adult relationship " , he already has a primary relationship with alcohol and he's been clear he has no space or time for you.

I mentioned volunteering because you have a lot of free time and you posted several times about the need for compassion and understanding for addicts. I thought you could use this in a way that would be safer and more structured with clearer boundaries to protect you and your children.

I wish you and your children well and hope that you meet someone who can be a true partner to you.

SOph1a I am not currently spending 30 hours a week online to him, but it seems I am soon going to be spending 30 hours a week online defending myself and my decisions like downsizing from a full time job to work part time to become a carer for my disabled son. FFS this has gone so far off topic it is ridiculous.

Thanks to those who have backed me up. I didn't come on here to have my whole life pulled apart. It sucks.

Don't be blinded by "love" for a man you've only known for a short while and are in already in saviour mode for.

You should be in the good, exciting, happy courtship phase of your new relationship. Instead you're in Nurese Worry mode. This isn't how a new relationship should be.

You don't have time for all this + looking out for your own DCs. Let him get help and advice for himself - he's a grown man he doesn't need you to do it. Give him space see how it goes. If he really wants you and this relationship then he will get himself clean

The man's already dumped you once. Live your life. If this is meant to be it will hopefully work out ok. If not well then, you aren't going to expire for lack of him..

Veronica
You can hide this thread so it doesn't do your head in. This thread seems to have become a free for all with you having to repeat yourself over and over. And it's getting very personal! Which is out of order

Thanks deadsouls, I don't want to hide it, no-one should have to hide a thread when they have come for support and advice and beared a little bit of their soul. It's sad. I will post elsewhere in the future if I feel the need to.

I don't expect only the advice that is pleasant to hear, but we should build eachother up, not tear eachother down; there are enough people in society trying to tear women down as it is.

Its a shame that people with agendas or chips on their shoulders can cancel out genuine posters. I have been left with a very nasty taste in my mouth.

bared not beared