I am in love with a bloody alcoholic - come and tell me it will be okay

[veronicasawyerheartsjd]

He is in recovery - it has been a month since his last drink.

We met online 4 months ago and things moved fast - he lives an hour away and by the time we met face to face we were spending anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every evening chatting on Whatsapp and the phone. He disarmed me with his honesty and acceptance, and I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to. He is also autistic - so is my son - so he was the first man I have met in 4 years of being single who could have any understanding of what my homelife is like, and he felt that I was one of the rare people who understood the way he works too.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings and had stopped before - he was going to try stopping again really soon.

So it goes without saying, when we eventually met up we got on like a house on fire. We spent the weekend together and I drove home and deleted all of my dating apps thinking "when you know you know". He didn't even seem to drink that much. We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

I was devestated but didn't contact him for 3 weeks - then sent him a card saying I was there if he needed me (he had moved to a town where he didn't know anyone just before we met). The cycle started again. We dated, he finished it, swore he was giving up drinking and would be in touch when he was sober.

I had presuaded him to see a local drug and alcohol service for help with detoxing - a week or so later I messaged him to say good luck with his appointment - it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed).

He has been sober since that day. He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet, but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future. He is honest about his limitations and positive about his future, but this is driving me crazy.

I check my emails every half an hour - I think about him constantly. Seriously, I don't fall in love easily, and I don't have a martyr complex, but I feel like I am addicted to HIM.

I am aware that it would be a stupid idea for him to get into a relationship at this stage, but I can't even work out if I am being dumb waiting for him as there is no chance of a positive outcome or if this is something amazing and I just need to give it time and be patient.

I also haven't got a clue how to support him. A lot of the stuff online is aimed at long term partners and close family members of alcoholics.

Has anyone been through similar?

I may be wrong but I believe new relationships are a no no until at least a year of sobriety.

You are crazy to even consider continuing this.
Addicts are liars. They have to be in order to keep getting their fix.

There are so many red flags with this guy. And you have a child to consider.

I hate to say it but he sounds too weak at the moment to be in a relationship. He sounds like he's really trying but he's not quite there and you both sounds in love with each other.

Maybe try and see it as giving each other space just for now to let him recover and assess his life.

Wait. Tell him to focus on his recovery and keep in touch lightly if you want but don't see each other. He needs to do this for himself and by himself. Has he been in recovery before or is this his first time?

Being with an alcoholic tricks you into a lot of guilt. I am not saying he might not recover, he may well do, but he can never drink again if he wants to live a life. Has he indicated this is it forever? 1 month though is way to early to tell if he will remain sober.

Are you a giver in life? Do you want to fix things for people? You have to be careful you don't end up co-dependent. Give him a lot of space, tell him you care about his recovery and he needs time and to do it by himself.

I lived with a functioning alcoholic for years (he isn't sober) but drinks a lot, his father was a "sterotypical" alcoholic and would have terrible binges (went into rehab more times than I can imagine, got sober in the end for 7 years then died suddenly), my father is also alcohol dependent as is my sister. Its a rollercoaster.

The him you fell in love with isn't the 'real' him. I agree with the mirroring comment made above-also a lot of alcoholics are masters of manipulation. They lie even to themselves, not just clear lies in their speech but, the way they present themselves is a manifestation of their addiction, and the self-hatred and delusion that goes with it. I don't doubt he's seeming lovely and wonderful and beleive it or not I can easily believe there's a nice person/good partner in there somewhere BUT only once this addiction is dealt with and dealt with properly, and for good. He's nowhere near that stage yet.

If I were you I would be a supportive friend but only if I could help myself get over the other feelings first. You say you've been on dates and just want 'him' the 'him' you want isn't real. Put you first here. You're at a stage where it is relatively very easy to get out.

By default you are putting him first too. He needs space to get over this addiction (if he is trying to do that) and the pressure a relationship or pressure to get into one will not help him at all.

I am sorry this happened to you.
It happened to me too, about 8 years ago. Only I was stupid and did everything I could to help. The alcoholic got worse, I got depressed and wasted four and a half years on that relationship.

Please think about this from your children's point of view -- is it really a good idea for their mother to be involved with someone who is going through all this? Wouldn't it be better to back way off, give it a year and see where things stand?

I understand that your feelings are very intense, but that intensity itself is a red flag:

Spending 5 hours a day messaging someone creates an intense, false bond. You read all their words in your voice and you have a false sense of closeness and being understood. By the time you meet, you are overly invested and so choose not to see things that would usually give you pause. You believed in the whirlwind, and even when he was shitty to you on your THIRD date, you already felt too involved to walk away.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings

No, he lied to you about his drinking from the start. But framed it as him confiding in you so you felt trusted, and responsible for helping him.

Think about why someone who was very close to reaching his rock bottom was actively dating. Why was it YOU who ended up calling the crisis team and liasing with his GP? I'm guessing it was because everyone else who was close to him has been driven away by his alcoholism and he was desperate to snare someone else to help him through it.

You aren't his girlfriend. You aren't the love of his life. You are the lifebelt he grabbed hold of when he was desperate, and you have oh-so-obligingly played your part. By the third date you were putting up with him "getting hammered" around you, and within a few weeks it was your job to beg him to see a drug and alcohol counselor. Within a few months it was you who were called the crisis team and physically dragging him to safety.

You say you don't have a martyr complex, but it's a very natural (if utterly erroneous) trap to fall into, which is "If I put up with all this bad stuff now, I'll get something really good later". Ask yourself honestly if that isn;t what's really going on?

And now I've read some other replies-say if he recovers and does well-do you want to put you (and your kid/s) through this hypothetical situation? He could relapse at any time-what if you and/or a friend fancy a drink-can you do it in front of him? Can he be trusted to not be tempted in the supermarket/at a gathering or party?

I've been through it. It sure as hell isn't easy.

I was in love with an alcoholic in my 20's
Thank goodness I left him. All he was really interested in was drink but he could charm women. He is in his 50's now and dying

Please do not inflict an alcoholic on your children .

You sound infatuated!
It is only 1 month since his last drink. It may be his last but I think dating him now may upset his chance of recovery.
If you really love him and it is "meant to be" then it will be, next year. If you think the love won't last then it isn't "meant to be".
I think you need to get busy with other things.

SendintheArdwolves did a great reply IMO

A family member (my uncle) is a recovering alcoholic. My uncle used to live with us from time to time usually when he had been thrown out of various girl friends houses. He was a nightmare to live with and disrupted our family life so much. One evening he got so drunk he threatened to kill my brother, sister and I. My poor dad who (hardly ever lost his temper went berserk) and my mum had to telephone the police because she thought my dad was going to kill his brother. I tell you this as a means to think very carefully about having this man in your life. You say your dc has autism do you think he will be able to cope with an unstable individual in his life. Will you? This man needs to sort himself out.

Why in the name of God would you willingly hitch up with an alcoholic? Especially as you have two small children. Are you completely mad or desperate?

i'm approaching this from a different perspective.

i'm a recovering alcoholic. when i met DP i was 17 days sober. i had been in AA about 6 months by then, with a couple of relapses and then the last, worst one. i nearly died.

i've been sober over 3 years now. DP has never known me drinking. we live together with our teenagers and it's all good.

you can't know anything about this guy apart from what he is showing you. if you needed to call the crisis team, did you know he was with secondary mental health services?

along with alcoholism i have BPD, PTSD, OCD, major depression and anxiety. i'm properly hard work at times - but i take my meds, i see my doctors and i don't drink. that's the least i can do, really.

be very careful, OP. don't become his enabler or his rescuer. you can't do anything to change him - it has to come from him and he needs to dig in and work at it. if, in fact, he is ready to put the drink down for good.

tread carefully. don't give too much of yourself. it will be obvious to you if he is making changes and staying sober. alcoholics at the stage this guy is who are in active drinking are selfish, unpredictable and sometimes turn up dead. he is a long way down, but it can get much worse on the slide to rock bottom.

this is a horrible place to be and i would honestly be a friend at arms length until you know what is really happening. getting sober is really, really hard. staying and living sober is the tricky bit, though.

i just...this seems a lot to take on for someone you don't know that well.

Also OP, watch out for the "if you leave me I'll relapse" threats.

Be very careful. If I were you I'd run for the hills, or at least give it a year and see where he is at then.

Life will be hard with an alcoholic, recovering or not.

OP, if you care about this guy, leave him well alone to sort out his issues.

Sorry but I would run a mile and keep running.

There are so many red flags in your post, how many of them can you see for yourself?
Here are some I spotted

Things moved very quickly.

He was "honest" about his drink problem at the start, when they tell you who and what they are you should listen.

You have only known him for FOUR months, and for part of that time you were split up with him, yet you immediately went into rescue mode.

He blows hot and cold with you, dumping you then getting together again, this is classic manipulative and controlling behaviour from him, and you are falling for it, each time it will be harder for you to walk away.

I could go on, but you should be discovering things for yourself.

Four months into a relationship, you should be happy and carefree, still finding out about each other, why did you feel you HAD to go to him? How do you know he has stopped drinking now? How will your child cope with having your focus shifted onto an unpredicatable adult?

Walk away now, and focus on making a good life for you and your child.

My friend met a woman with 4 kids, went on a date and declared himself "in love". The day after he met her, she got arrested for drink driving with her kids in the car....and he went and rescued her from the Police Station, drove the kids home and put her to bed. She was 6 times over the legal limit and lost her licence. He then moved in "to take care of her", lost his own job through ferrying her kids around and all the time she was drinking like a fish whilst furiously denying she had a problem. It was only when she kept wetting the bed that he realised he'd taken on more than he could deal with. Eventually, his attempts to be her knight in shining armour met with contempt and derision, and she threw his clothes out on the lawn. He'd lost most of his family and friends by this stage, as everyone was sick of him believing that it would all work out like some fairy tale and constantly defending her.
He's now thankfully met someone decent, and she's dead. At 45. Leaving 4 kids without a mum and a dad who isn't really interested as he also drinks.
Don't be that person. You can't cure or even help him, he is an alcoholic and a very adept liar. His whole life is a lie. Think of your kids if you can't think of yourself, but walk away before you sink into his pit of misery and despair . There will never be a happy ever after here.

I escorted my (previously savvy, intelligent and happy) friend to the hospital recently. Her alcoholic partner had messed with her head so much she needed to see a mental health professional urgently.

He turned up while we were waiting and I had security throw him out.

It's a dangerous realm.

Have a read of this OP;

ferventblog.wordpress.com/2015/02/24/things-people-dont-tell-you-about-being-in-a-relationship-with-an-alcoholic/?iframe=true&theme_preview=true&calypso_token=01034183-14c4-4b0f-a7c0-c2eb4e1a0417

He has dumped you a few times and told you: 'He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future.' He doesn't want you in his life right now and has made that clear. Listen to what he is saying; leave him alone and move on. How can you possibly even be friends if he doesn't want to meet or speak, regardless of saying he does? He is saying he wants to be friends to try to alleviate his guilt at having treated you so poorly in the past. It doesn't sound like he means it and anyway it is not what you want. He may or may not want to meet you in the future, but life is too short to wait around to find out. I also think you need to think about why you want to rescue this man. Meet someone who doesn't need rescuing or stay single. Find something else to fill your life and take your mind off him, possibly you are bored and the drama around him gives you a thrill. The title of your thread suggests you know this all already however.

You will be OK. He might be OK. But you will not be OK together.

You have a son to think of. One with autism. I assume he needs stability and routine more than an average child? Imagine if that is disrupted by this man having a catastrophic alcoholic relapse.

Also, think about yourself. This is not a road you want to go down. Trust me. I had an ex who was addicted to weed, another addicted to alcohol and cocaine. Their desire to quit waxes and wanes, sometimes in the space of a day. The drugs creep back in - "I'm under a lot of stress", "it's my friend's birthday", "it's Friday night, everyone goes out". You become codependent, their mother, cleaning up vomit and trying to support them to quit, covering them up with a blanket on the sofa.

To their friends, you are the worst bitch trying to force them to quit, because they never see their friend crying at 3am and begging for help. So they blame you. And the one you love will blame you for it all too.

They get addicted to you, like they get addicted to drugs. They will focus on you like a laser and make you feel so special and seen. But it all changes once you're on the rollercoaster ride and dependent on their moods, how much of their special substance they've had that day.

You have a chance to get out. Please take it.

I think you need to seriously slow your roll. You're not in love with him- you don't know him well enough for that. You may have a real connection, but unless you've lived with an addict you don't know the half of it at this point. Look to preserving the safety and stability of your family, and let this man seek support from people who know much better than you how to help him.