I am in love with a bloody alcoholic - come and tell me it will be okay

[veronicasawyerheartsjd]

He is in recovery - it has been a month since his last drink.

We met online 4 months ago and things moved fast - he lives an hour away and by the time we met face to face we were spending anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every evening chatting on Whatsapp and the phone. He disarmed me with his honesty and acceptance, and I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to. He is also autistic - so is my son - so he was the first man I have met in 4 years of being single who could have any understanding of what my homelife is like, and he felt that I was one of the rare people who understood the way he works too.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings and had stopped before - he was going to try stopping again really soon.

So it goes without saying, when we eventually met up we got on like a house on fire. We spent the weekend together and I drove home and deleted all of my dating apps thinking "when you know you know". He didn't even seem to drink that much. We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

I was devestated but didn't contact him for 3 weeks - then sent him a card saying I was there if he needed me (he had moved to a town where he didn't know anyone just before we met). The cycle started again. We dated, he finished it, swore he was giving up drinking and would be in touch when he was sober.

I had presuaded him to see a local drug and alcohol service for help with detoxing - a week or so later I messaged him to say good luck with his appointment - it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed).

He has been sober since that day. He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet, but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future. He is honest about his limitations and positive about his future, but this is driving me crazy.

I check my emails every half an hour - I think about him constantly. Seriously, I don't fall in love easily, and I don't have a martyr complex, but I feel like I am addicted to HIM.

I am aware that it would be a stupid idea for him to get into a relationship at this stage, but I can't even work out if I am being dumb waiting for him as there is no chance of a positive outcome or if this is something amazing and I just need to give it time and be patient.

I also haven't got a clue how to support him. A lot of the stuff online is aimed at long term partners and close family members of alcoholics.

Has anyone been through similar?

This is why I felt I had to help him. He has made no friends since he moved to this county apart from me. There was no-one else to help him.

But that was his choice. He moved to get away from the active addict scene he was in, but relapsed anyway. He could easily have predicted this possibility and got himself into some alcohol services when he first moved away, but he didn't.

Assuming he knows about your codependency issues, he could have told you that being around an active and then very newly sober alcoholic was absolutely the worst thing for you and you should take a complete break from each other for a year, but he didn't. How is your codependency being managed, are you in counselling? If not I think you need some urgently as you are also on the cusp of relapsing.

Unfortunately, just because he's nicer than other addicts you've known doesn't mean that 'this time it will be different'. Honestly, the best thing for both of you is a long period of no contact to work on your own issues. It's not that there is never going to be a time when you can be together, but it's not now. And sustaining this emotionally-charged friendship now may prevent you both ever reaching the point where it can be more.

no family (they are highly dysfunctional and he has cut contact) That's possible but alcoholics lie ALL THE TIME so it's very likely he has cut them out because they were interfering with his drinking. Or they cut him out because of some awful things he's done that he hasn't told you about.

And he's moved to an area where he knows no-one to "make a clean break". He hasn't stopped drinking, though, has he? It's what AA calls "a geographical", where the alcoholic has created so much shit in their own backyard that they move somewhere that no-one knows them to get away from the hassle back home.

Also, earlier you said you were emailing because he didn't want to talk to you on the phone. My alcoholic exH was amazingly good at typing no matter how drunk he was whereas I could instantly tell in his voice if he'd been drinking.

Alcoholics lie and lie and lie. To themselves, to everyone around them. They drive you mad by twisting the truth until you don't know which way is up.

I'd known my exH for 9 whole days when we got engaged, 3 months later we were married because "You just know!" Well, HA HA HA! to that!

After I finally threw him out, after 7 years, he was engaged to someone else within a fortnight. They married and are now getting divorced. Alcoholics can't cope on their own and will do anything to hook themselves a carer.

Nothing is ever their fault. Even when they are confessing things to you, it's not about taking responsibility, it's about creating the illusion of honesty. Never trust an alcoholic.

What everyone has said here, they're telling you their lives experience. You're saying....it's different for me, for us, he's kind really, we have a special connection, if I don't save him who will?

My best advice, though you wont take it, is NEVER NEVER NEVER get involved with a drug addict,an alcoholic or a gambler. They will likely drag you down and seriously mess your life up. Wy would you anyway when there are plenty of decent honest normal people out there to date?

He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet

OMG love, wake up and smell the booze!

There's some amazing wisdom on the thread culled from poster's very difficult life experiences. They are generously sharing it with you OP maybe at some emotional cost to them.

But you're not listening. You think it will be different for you. It won't. Please think of your children and get some therapy or counselling to deal with the issues your upbringing has left you with.

(I have an alcoholic ex too, of over 20 years ago.)

I think that blog is a terrible example.

It's a classic case of rescuer/martyr syndrome without any self awareness.

You do know what you have to do. Nobody is saying it's easy - but get yourself out of this one. Don't carry on and don't keep saying I'll be careful. It doesn't work like that as well you know. Listen to your inner voice. You wouldn't have posted if you didn't have any inner nagging

Ah, yes, the how can you help / support him....

I spent 8 years with someone dependent on drink and coke. No one understood him but me, I could help him, he was brilliant and charismatic, we did great work projects together.

But.

My help and support was out to greater and greater test. 'No one can love me, I do this, and this and now an even worse 'this' '. Slowly but surely your social life, friends and holidays are subtley re-arranged around his needs. NOTHING comes ahead of the need to drink.

And actually, I couldn't help. But I felt great while I thought I could. But it is no basis for a relationship.

If he is seriously on tne road to recovery, you will know it in a year. If you have a serious connection and potential, it will still be there in a year.

You help and support your son: he is your child.

Find a different dynamic for a relationship with a partner.

Why on Earth would you want to give yourself a complicated life with someone you only met 4 months ago?
Both you and your son deserve better.

Stay with this guy and you are going to have a lifetime of either digging himself out of holes s you already have done or waiting, knowing something is going to happen and you are going to have to help.

You already have someone depending on you , why add someone else?

This is why I felt I had to help him. He has made no friends since he moved to this county apart from me. There was no-one else to help him.

Yes* but he can if he wants.* If he's as lovely as you believe he is, he won't have any trouble making friends. If he wants. IF.

You won't be the first person who offered him friendship and you won't be the last either. He's choosing against that, just like he always has. It really has to come from him, and if and when it does, it will really work for him. But only if he does it. That's the sad truth.

A PP mentioned mirroring. High functioning people with autism mirror behaviour. This doesn't mean he is your should mate. If you really care about this person, leave them alone and let them get healthy.

Dear God, I just read on and realised you have children. Don't do this to them.

*soul mate

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Some brilliant insight and analysis on here, unpicking exactly how addicts operate
Let's hope you take it on board op

Op how do you feel with everyone on your thread saying don't get involved with this man?

Are you going to listen to these warnings?

Why would you willingly place your child in a situation with a person that has the power to do huge damage to your child's life?

I was with an alcoholic for almost 20 years. Since we separated, he has had two relationships that sound very similar to the scenario you are in - remember, you only know what he is telling you. Also, alcoholics are extremely good at excusing their behaviour. My ex had no sympathy, understanding, or symptoms of mental Heath issues, other than being an alcoholic, until he met a woman who had depression and anxiety and all of a sudden he had had depression and anxiety for years, and this was why he developed his drinking problem - to try and cope with it. It wasn't true. He isn't allowed to see our children unsupervised because he has a history of assault with a woman he was seeing after we seperated and because of incidents that happened when he was drunk and ended up in hospital - basically social services were notified and they advised me to stop unsupervised contact for the foreseeable future - but he has told his new partner it is because I don't understand mental Health issues and am penalising him for suffering anxiety and depression. And of course if he slips up and drinks sometimes, who can blame him, so sad being kept from his children by his horrible ex. And she seems like a nice person who obviously cares for him and wants to support him, but he is manipulating her. Another big thing of his is appearing to be open and honest about his problems to build trust. I really can't emphasise enough to you how manipulative he is and how his version of reality is so distorted - he is always the victim in everything, he blames me ending our marriage for his inability to work when really all I did was give him a massive excuse to use for years to come. And it is so sad - I ended they marriage because of the toll his drinking had taken but I didn't dislike him and I believed that he would be a good father despite us being apart. But now I wish he would disappear from their lives.

I've talked a lot about my own situation because I think you really have to think about how he communicates to you and how you are getting a very contrived version of him and any events relating to his drinking / issues.

How do I feel regarding the responses on the thread? There is a long answer....

Firstly, I feel thankful for people who have shared very personal and difficult experiences regarding addicts and addiction in their lives. It has cemented for me that there is indeed nothing romantic about being involved with someone who is struggling and unwell. And that some (a lot of) people (addicts) act like arseholes because of their addictions.

I also feel that there is a lot of judgment and presumption in some responses. Yes, I am listening. Yes, I am taking advice on board. No, I am not bringing this man into my childrens' lives without a second thought for their welfare. I left their Dad in 2012, I went on one date between then and last July, and have dated a few men casually since. They have not been introduced to any men I have dated; they have met this particular guy around someone's house and were probably in the same room as him for about 2 minutes. I am very, very protective of them and they won't meet a potential partner of mine until I am as sure as you can be that I have a solid future with that person.

As Neome said further back, empathy is needed too for him. He is a man suffering from mental ill health and a neurological difference that was not acknowledged until he was in his twenties, and fell into using alcohol as a way of masking and self medicating. His plan fucked up, he has paid the price and is trying to get straight and deal with his stuff. He is not a sinister pantomine character with a black cloak because he has an addiction. I do thank people for reminding me how difficult an alcoholic can be even once dry, I need to take this on board, but quite frankly, the other responses of "Run! He is evil! He will fuck up your children!" could drown out the more measured responses regarding the possible negative outcomes of my situation and end up with OPs not taking any of the difficult advice on board.

I have faith in his ability to sort his shit out and stop. He is doing a great job so far. He is a lot more measured and cautious than I am. I am aware I can't "rescue" him and he knows he needs to do this himself. Yes, he may fail, but he may not. Everyone deserves a chance and not to be written off as a hopeless cause. He is doing all the right things so far.

I was in a codependent relationship in my mid twenties. It ended up with me having a cocaine problem, anxiety and wrecked self esteem. I won't be travelling that route again, especially now I have responsibilities. I feel the pull of falling back into that dynamic sometimes and I resist it, no matter how tempting it feels. I have my self destruct button on mute now believe it or not. But my own life experiences mean that I refuse to write someone off because of mental ill health or struggles with addictions. Believe me when I say if he relapses I walk away. Codependency isn't for me anymore, and maybe there are fucking MASSIVE red flags that this relationship, if jumped into, could become codependent, but maybe we can work through that at some point in the future. I hope so. But I don't hope enough to ruin mine or my children's lives (or his).

I have recognised through this thread that it is indeed far, far too soon to be in a relationship with him, it could be dangerous for me and him. Funnily enough, he emailed last night asking if I fancy a cuppa next week. This time yesterday I would have been overjoyed, now I am pretty sure we shouldn't just yet. So thanks for helping me see that people.

Putting the myriad alcohol and mental health issues, this guy is just a low down bog standard player, isn't he?

Not ready for a relationship, yet somehow able to create a dating profile? Dumps you twice in order to lower your expectations yet further? Keeps you hopeful and single while not even wanting to speak on the phone?

He's a snake. The world is full of them. He'll do whatever it takes to get what he wants in every minute, much like a toddler does.

Now add in addiction issues on both sides, the fact you have small children and his 'dysfunctional family' (oh what a surprise) and you have a situation so utterly shitty and volatile that really, the only reason for choosing it would be because you actively enjoy living a car crash.

Thanks MorrisZap for providing a response that encapsulates everything presumptuous and judgmental about some of the responses I just mentioned in my last comment that aren't helpful to anyone seeking out advice at all.

Ok ur rulz hun xx

And that. And that. Exactly.

MorrisZapp was spot on.

You're on the defensive, you don't like the truth that is being laid out to you. You're in denial about the reality of this situation and you want to cling onto the hope there is a fairytale ending in this for you.

You are right, I do feel defensive, and pissed off. I was expecting some responses telling me he is obviously an evil bastard and I am a naive, stupid idiot, but if I wanted it inferred I am a hun because I tackle the responses I don't agree with completley, in a measured way and why, I would have posted in AIBU, not Relationships.