I am in love with a bloody alcoholic - come and tell me it will be okay

[veronicasawyerheartsjd]

He is in recovery - it has been a month since his last drink.

We met online 4 months ago and things moved fast - he lives an hour away and by the time we met face to face we were spending anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every evening chatting on Whatsapp and the phone. He disarmed me with his honesty and acceptance, and I have not met anyone EVER with whom I have so much in common and can talk so easily to. He is also autistic - so is my son - so he was the first man I have met in 4 years of being single who could have any understanding of what my homelife is like, and he felt that I was one of the rare people who understood the way he works too.

He was honest about his problems with drinking from the start, but was insistent he only drank in the evenings and had stopped before - he was going to try stopping again really soon.

So it goes without saying, when we eventually met up we got on like a house on fire. We spent the weekend together and I drove home and deleted all of my dating apps thinking "when you know you know". He didn't even seem to drink that much. We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

I was devestated but didn't contact him for 3 weeks - then sent him a card saying I was there if he needed me (he had moved to a town where he didn't know anyone just before we met). The cycle started again. We dated, he finished it, swore he was giving up drinking and would be in touch when he was sober.

I had presuaded him to see a local drug and alcohol service for help with detoxing - a week or so later I messaged him to say good luck with his appointment - it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed).

He has been sober since that day. He is attending AA regularly, we speak by email almost every day. He doesn't want to rock the boat and speak on the phone or meet, but has said he wants us to be friends, has bought me a birthday gift and talked about giving it to me some time in the future. He is honest about his limitations and positive about his future, but this is driving me crazy.

I check my emails every half an hour - I think about him constantly. Seriously, I don't fall in love easily, and I don't have a martyr complex, but I feel like I am addicted to HIM.

I am aware that it would be a stupid idea for him to get into a relationship at this stage, but I can't even work out if I am being dumb waiting for him as there is no chance of a positive outcome or if this is something amazing and I just need to give it time and be patient.

I also haven't got a clue how to support him. A lot of the stuff online is aimed at long term partners and close family members of alcoholics.

Has anyone been through similar?

I was going to post a long reply about urging caution and having lived through a 2 year marriage with an alcoholic that nearly destroyed me, I have some experience.
But, having read the whole thread, I'm honestly not sure what the point is. You are in as much denial as he is. Even if you are willing to put yourself through this, for the sake of your children I beg you not to do this.

Op no one is getting at you, people are just saying how it is likely to be for you and your child if you continue this relationship.

4 months is not enough for you to know him properly, added in the geographical distance it is but a blink of time. The thing is regarding a mainly internet/phone communication is that the person is pretty much a blank screen. This blank screen is very easy to project your wishes and desires on, the 'phantasy' (not fantasy) as it were. This builds up an unreal relationship not based in the physical, it becomes a projection of what a person desires another person to be.

Now you say that you have met him in the physical, but it has become much more in your head and heart due to the time outside of the physical that you have invested in. This is something to be aware of.

You say that you will not bring your child into this unroll you are ready and have got to know him better, but the very fact that you have already fallen in love with him means that your child already is being draw into this. You are probably unable to see it in such a way, but the foundations are already being dug and the life of your child rests on your decisions even as early as now.

You yourself are vulnerable due to your past, you identify with him due to these past issues.

He has no family, friends, no one to tell you what he was like before 4 months ago. He is an addict, that has not recovered. Once an addict always an addict, he will never be able to drink again. That is the bottom line.

Even if he does go into remission he is likely to go back to his addiction if life gets difficult. He will need to create his own network of support to ensure this does not happen and you being a vulnerable single parent are not in a position to be his support group, you are but one person.

I do empathise with you, but you asked the questions about your short relationship with an alcoholic, people who have been where you are now are tying to help you to see what it is you are possibly not seeing as you have your loved up glasses on.

Addicts as you know are difficult people to have in ones life. Purely down to what an addiction means.

Sincerely I do hope that you keep yourself and your child safe, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I'm going to have to agree with other posters, you really come across as being in complete denial.

Compassion and second chances is one thing. Wanting to start a romantic relationship with someone so early in to recovery is complete denial, about his issues and yours.

I say this as a daughter and sister of addicts. I have my own issues, but i ended a very new relationship with a guy i really likes because i realised he had an alcohol problem and i know just how dangerous it is for me.

Empathy for him too? What about your children? You are not being protective of them by seriously considering being in a relationship with this man.

You started a relationship with him 4 months ago and you've already had all this drama and yet claim you have faith in his ability to sort himself out and say he is doing a great job so far.

Why? Why do you think that when there is zero evidence for it.

The answers you don't like you claim are "judgemental" and not worth listening to. Still, the title of this thread tells us what answers you want and will listen to.

If it was just you and him, well your choice. But you have children. Children who will be damaged by their mum being in this kind of relationship. Look how much of your energy and attention he is already taking just 4 months in.

I'm an alcoholic. I've been in recovery for years now but I will be an alcoholic till I die. I'm not evil, nor are the recovering drinkers I know. We have worked hard to get to where we are.

I'm going to put this from a different POV. If you care a jot for this man, walk away. YOU are a threat to his sobriety and he has told you that. You say you have had addiction issues, so you will know full well that he is in a delicate place and unlike your post, he absolutely isn't doing a great job of getting his shit together because he has you in the background, and he really really really shouldn't be getting into a relationship AND trying to get sober. He relapses around you. Leave well alone if you care for him, shelve your neediness and move on.

We met again a week later but this time he got hammered. Then dumped me a few days later saying he couldn't see me as he needed to stop drinking and can't get into a new relationship and felt himself getting close.

He could not be any clearer. You are wrecking his sobriety. Don't be so selfish.

I don't believe he is a bad person who will fuck up your children - the issue I have is in a lot of these situations the partner of the alcoholic ends up pouring too much time and energy into helping them that the children end up coming second to it.

You said in your first post about checking your email every half hour. That's almost obsessive behaviour. The needs of your DC have to come first.

You're deep in denial and playing out exactly the same codependent dynamics you always have.
No contact. Seriously.

I have been following this thread since this morning and saw you were thinking about taking the advice offered and saying no to meeting him for the cuppa he had suggested. It was a step in the right direction in my opinion. Have you said no to him yet? Say no and then goodbye. You can do it. Do not get dragged into a conversation.

it would seem ge had reached his rock bottom in that week - I won't go into it but the long and short of it is I had to travel to see him the next day, call his GP, call his local crisis team and pull him out of a nasty hole (or literally, pull him fitting and ranting out of his bed)

^this makes me think of trauma bonding and Folie à deux

It's 4 months. That's fuck all. Seriously. Walk away and don't look back. He doesn't need you. You don't need him. You were perfectly fine without him. All this "he deserves empathy and second chances etc" is just you trying to justify clinging on. You aren't writing him off just because you are choosing not to be in a relationship with him. His life will go on as it will before. He will have his second, third and fourth chances without you. You are a distraction for him right now. But you will never be enough. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to your children. Choose better for yourself. You are allowed to do that. That is a valid choice. That is a healthy choice. Wish him all the best and go on to a better life for yourself.

OP, you don't sound as though you have much compassion, either, for all the people who are sharing their stories and regrets here. Even if you think everyone else posting here is wrong and weak, why make your condescension so offensively obvious?

FWIW, I have some experience with alcoholics - though thankfully not a romantic relationship which might have been more rewarding, endorphin-wise! - and things people on this thread have been saying are really resonating with me, particularly the bit about how an alcoholic's confessions give the illusion that they're taking you into their confidence, and give the illusion of honesty.

The thing about the word 'judgemental' is that it gets bandied about a lot- always negatively- but it's about using JUDGEMENT.

OP you sound like you've already decided to go ahead with him and I can't say anything better than previous posters.
I'm an alcoholic in recovery and would advise you to leave him alone so he can try to get a decent amount of sobriety under his belt.
You cannot be his support group but you seem intent on trying.
You sound quite the martyr and it's unfair to bring this potentially tragic situation into your children's lives.

Op, alcoholics learn through the fallout their addiction causes the right things to say. They learn what is expected of them by their support network. They can make a big thing of being open and this creates the illusion of honesty, as Riot says - they know they can buy themselves a reprieve from an ultimatum for example, by talking about how they are getting help - one of the side effects of this is drawing you into that help - and the sense of them as a victim. Only a victim needs help. Bad people don't get given help do they? As I said in my last post, my ex completely created a history of anxiety for his new girlfriend, including repeated panic attacks - he told her she was the only person he had ever told about this, that he felt she understood because she had experienced of it, that it was one of the reasons he had turned to alcohol to help him cope - he completely used her own issues to create this sense of intimacy.

I am obviously hugely influenced by my own personal experience but because of the impact alcoholism has had on my family, I have spent a lot of time talking to people in a similar position, and it is depressing how much we have in common in recognising this behaviour.

I am not at all unsympathetic to people with alcohol issues, but their priority is alcohol, their crutch, and anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic will get inevitably drawn in to their behaviour. You've already done this by turning up in a crisis and managing the situation for him.

You think that when you found him puking and fitting that was rock bottom? Why? Because you can't imagine it being worse? Because he told you it was? Don't be so wilfully blind. That's situation normal for him. Not all the time , but often enough.

sorry OP....but this is a car crash waiting to happen.

I was 20 years with a charming..bright ..funny man...who was an alcholic( although it took a long to to come out)..you will never be number one..and if he is one of the few that gets past this, it's still tough. Add in your ds's needs and I would put my focus there.

if you are so obsessed id be inclined to have some counselling to look at why. I wish you luck

Riot in my post at 13.58 I specifically point out that I really appreciate those who have shared their personal, difficult stories and how they have been taken on board; I stand by that, and equally so the ones shared since.

I am not a poster or person in real life to ignore difficult-to-stomach advice and put my middle finger up to it and do the opposite - and I won't in this case. But a small amount of responses have felt assumption-based and judgmental. And judgmental has a very different meaning to the concept of having good judgment - they are just words that come from the same root.

I particularly appreciate the points of view of recovering alcoholics on here - thankyou. And the fact that two of you have said I should leave well alone for his sake has definitely given me food for thought. I am being selfish - I am going to try and not be.

You also need to think about being selfish in that you should look at what's best for you. The ache and the longing and the feeling that you just knew don't necessarily come from a healthy place.

I met a guy about 5 years ago who was about 18 months clean. My gut was saying one thing but my heart was telling me something very different. I wish i'd listened to my gut.

17 years ago, i got together with a guy whose history was very similar to mine - violent abusive alcoholic fathers. We thought our shared past would mean that we understood each other. No-one understood him like me. It was a fucking disaster and if it wasn't for the 2 beautiful children i'd had with him, i'd wish i'd never met him.

I've spent much of my adult life single because i make terrible choices and i can't face putting myself through it again.

Spend a bit of time trying to figure out your shit. Walk away and let him figure out his. Who knows, in a year or two you might be ready to give it a go, but for now all you'll get is a massive headfuck and lots of emotional scars.

You've had it pretty harsh on here, but only because people can see how disasterous it is.

Thanks ClopySaw. I have just started hypnotherapy - only had two sessions but we are going to work on my self esteem and anxiety - I think it will really help me.

Totally agree with Morris. You can't see it. You're an addict just as much as he is.

This just has car crash written all over it.

He is a man suffering from mental ill health and a neurological difference that was not acknowledged until he was in his twenties, and fell into using alcohol as a way of masking and self medicating.

Can I just say:

1. you have no way of knowing this is true as you haven't got anyone to corroborate this with. You've got no way of knowing if this is when his problem started.

2. This sounds like an excuse-if it wasn't the neurological problem he'd have some other "reason" why he started drinking.

3. If he's still trying to find things to blame for his alcoholism, then he is still in denial and isn't taking full responsibility for things which until he does, he's not going to successfully be able to stop drinking.

People who are addicts (and I include myself here) are a heady mix of charm, complication and vulnerability.

However we are also selfish, manipulative and adept liars. We know what buttons to push to get what we want.

He sounds active in his addiction still - look after yourself OP because he won't.

@veronicasawyerheartsjd

Hypnotherapy was an absolute game changer for me. Seriously, i had no idea i was such an anxious person until the anxiety stopped. It's had such a powerful knock on effect on so many areas of my life.

OP, regarding his autism: it might be a factor in his drinking, but it's not an excuse.

Plenty of people with ASD manage to live productive lives without embroiling those around them in the hideous chaos of alcoholism.