Affair/separation - DH has asked me to leave. Do I go?

[runningLou]

To avoid drip feeding will not spare the details.
Unhappily married. I was caught cheating 4 years ago. Tried to mend everything for sake of kids. Didn't work, both very unhappy and with MH issues.
I recently met someone. Told DH I wanted to separate. We had discussed 'bird-nesting' with me staying over some nights to be with DC overnight. We want to keep the family home for the kids if possible.
DH has said tonight he wants me out. Every night, and basically told me I had made my choice and to move in with OM.
Don't want to do this - too soon, bad for kids, bad for everyone, I think.
Also I do not want to be the Mummy that leaves, and that is what it will look like to them.
Can I persist in staying? Am I right that me leaving and taking all my stuff (DH wants it gone) will be more distressing for kids?
Financially could just about manage to rent a room somewhere nearby so thinking of doing this. My idea is to come in every morning to do their breakfast, and stay every night till after bedtime. This is what we have been doing the past couple of weeks since we first talked and it has worked ok ... I thought.
House is in joint names, as are all savings.

The difference between men and women talking about affairs on MN though is that usually the woman comes here for support when her partner has had the affair but the woman also comes here for support when she is the one who has had the affair.

Given that MN is largely a place for support it wouldn't exactly be appropriate to ask the woman what the circumstances were which led to her husband having the affair in the first place, even if there may have been circumstances. And the affair partner is only ever likely to give their side of the story which shows them as having been in a previously happy marriage and the affair having come out of nowhere.

With regards to telling the children you have to ask yourself whose benefit is that for? If the OP leaves to be with the OM then it's inevitable that the children will know or will guess as time goes on, but the idea of telling the children because they deserve to know the truth is more about the need for revenge than any actual belief that the children deserve to know the truth. Does it benefit the children to be turned against one parent for the benefit of the other? No of course not.

My ex husband has told the DC that he will sit them down on their eighteenth birthdays and tell them the truth as to why we split up. Anyone who thinks that that is going to benefit the children a decade or more on is being completely naive. It has nothing to do with the children and everything to do with his need to get back at me. Where does that end? If he tells them about my affair which incidentally was a one-off physical meeting before I told him I wanted out of the already failing marriage which we'd talked about ending for years before should I then sit them down and tell them about the kind of person he was for the duration of our marriage? This kind of tit for tat need to tell the children the truth is more about the adults than what is actually in the best interests of the children and actually has the potential to backfire spectacularly. I certainly had friends growing up whose parents left for OM and OW and the children were resentful of that, however I also had friends whose parents left for someone else and the children have good relationships with the new partner and as adults admit that the parents are in a much happier place apart than together. Any need to enhance the children's need for bitterness towards one or other parent would only have served to make the bitter parent more bitter when the children turn around and acknowledge that they're glad their parents split and that their mum/dad actually ended up with a decent man/woman in the end.

If it was your husband cheating everyone would be saying "ltb", "pack his bags". It's clear you don't want to be with him so why should he put up with you living there?

OP - see a solicitor and get advice. Whatever happens is going to be bad for your kids. They are growing up in a miserable family in which the parents make each other ill they are so unhappy, and who try to cover it up by focusing on appearances - keeping the home where everyone is miserable, pretending you are going to be able to be around all the time in future, etc. You know you can't keep up appearances, as you have cheated on your dh twice. You need to get your finger out of your arse and actually start sorting something more permanent out asap. Why on earth have you not started divorce proceedings, yet? Why leave it to your dh to point out the bleeding obvious, that you cannot carry on as you are. Dragging it on and on until you have decided it is no longer too soon to tell your children they are going to have massive change inflicted on their lives is just cowardice and not protecting anyone, just building up the resentment to boiling point. Stop bloody dragging it out in the hope the inevitable pain your failure of a relationship has caused will go away. You know the whole thing is a massive, toxic mess up and will screw your children up to some extent. Now get professional advice, not mumsnet opinions on what is more or less harmful for your kids. We don't know your situation in any detail, so can't help you.

Does it benefit the children to be turned against one parent for the benefit of the other? No of course not

Again, my dad was fantastic in this regard. He has never heard a bad word said about my mum, even though she had an affair with his close friend. Even now if I moan about her he'll say 'she's your mum, don't talk about her like that'.
However, I am fully able and entitled to judge her for her actions myself.

Oh for goodness sake! This brings out the worst in mumsnet.

I'm with @Italiangreyhound

2 issues here:

1. OP had an affair. That's between the two of them to sort. She wasn't asking for judgement. Sad but it happens - they can deal with the rights or wrongs between them.

2. the children need both parents. No - she doesn't have to leave them and neither should she! Or he!

The pearl clutching judgements really put me off mumsnet. Reminds me more of Netmums!

Of course it's sad. For everyone. We don't know the background and neither should we.

The children need both parents. Both!!

I would suggest that as your husband has mh issues, he might not be best placed to take over this role in its entirety.

WTAF????

He has depression. Are we taking kids off those with depression now?

Shall we pack him off to Bedlam?

What shall we put down on the registration book as the Reason?
Went doolally as his wife was cheating on him...? Or will Cuckold do?

for whatever reason she deemed acceptable she had multiple affairs for periods of time and clearly isn't going to make this dead relationship work, because fundamentally she doesnt want to. Or can't. Matters not.

She was NOT thinking of the kids when her feet were in the air. she was thinking of herself.
she is not thinking of her kids now, she's thinking of herself.

This man has depression, is on multiple meds and as he has not cheated, why on earth should this woman be able to boot him out of his jointly owned home. He can get support to keep his family unit together. In fact actually, once it's out there as to why she is no longer on the scene, there will be more admiration and support for her than there would be for a woman. He will cope, in fact NOT having this awful toxic environment will really help. Within days of the OP leaving I am sure he'll start to feel better.

OP, you cheated, your actions are causing pain, YOU chose to take that course, YOU need to do the decent thing and allow your family to heal from the pain and damage YOU inflicted on it. YOU need to go.

when her feet were in the air

WTAF?

The children need both parents. Both!!

And they can have both. Just one who lives somewhere else.

Why is this any different to a male cheat? She looked elsewhere, she can go there.

The more men that step up and be the remaining parent, the caregiver, the easier it will get for men to be better single parents and co-parents

Sounds like its the DHs turn to be primary carer.

@Hissy

Because she cheated on her husband not the kids. The 2 are separate.

We don't know the rights and wrongs - and as the court would say - it's not relevant.

Yes - one of them has to go. But it can be either of them.

Newsflash everyone-good people sometimes do bad things. That's in the real world outside the MN echo chamber have you eve been there?

OPs kids have to be the priority here. Punishing their mother by making her leave the home may be punishing them too.

OP, you deserve to be treated with humanity. Please see a solicitor and a relationships counsellor in real life and ignore the pitch fork wavers here.

(Incidentally I'd say the same in a situation where the male had cheated - it's not for tie children to be dragged into. It's an adult issue and shouldn't involve them)

I agree you need to keep things as normal for the children as possible, even if you've done a shit thing.

OP - I agree that the children shouldn't suffer any more upheaval than necessary. You are the primary carer, you should remain so, for now at least.

Some on here would have a scarlet A tattooed to your forehead - ignore them.

Some on here would have a scarlet A tattooed to your forehead - ignore them

I was just giving my perspective as someone who's mum had an affair when I was a child and moved out.

The OP stated that her marriage had been unhappy before the first affair and continued to be unhappy despite efforts to patch it up. Suggests to me that the H was never much cop. We don't know (and OP doesn't have to tell us) whether the H was incredibly clingy, lazy round the house, controlling, withheld sex etc. It's quite often the case that the 'betrayed' partner was a lousy partner who has spent a long time trying to own, control and manipulate the other into staying, and a new affair becomes the escape route.
Sometimes 'depression' (especially if it's self-diagnosed) is used as a way of controlling a partner. And, of course, people who are already selfish/controlling/lazy/spiteful can suffer from depression, which can make them even harder to live with.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if the OP had been trying to end the marriage for some time before, but the H was so obstructive and guilt trippy she didn't feel she could.

So, OP, stay calm, get a lawyer, don't let the H bully you or guilt-trip you with hysterics. The faster it's sorted, the better.

It looks like you want your cake and to eat it. You want the full time family set up with a boyfriend openly on the side! You need to give your husband a chance to mentally and physically move on with his life though. He doesn't feel the house sharing is a long term option and wants to move to shared care with seperate lives. I can understand why. The children will be happy if you're both happy.

"My ex husband has told the DC that he will sit them down on their eighteenth birthdays and tell them the truth as to why we split up."

My god, this man knows how to throw a party

OP if you are unable to reach an agreement with your dh about your living and parenting arrangements, then it would be best for you to see a solicitor. Your solicitor will guide you as to your rights and entitlement in relation to your individual circumstances.

The legal approach won't focus on your adultery but on taking appropriate steps to achieve the best outcome for the family, particularly your children.

FFS people are saying its about the children, but its also about a vulnerable adult. Given that he is signed off work he's not going to get a rental property so he has no choice but to stay.

He already has MH problems because of this, if the OP stays and continues to rub his nose in it that will further demolish his self worth and while a funeral is probably cheaper than a divorce its probably not the best outcome for the DCs.

Do the decent thing and leave while he recovers from what you've done then sort arrangements from there.

Suggests to me that the H was never much cop projecting much??
Dear MN I cheated on my wife and she found out. I tried to patch it up but tbh she wasn't much cop so I had sex with someone else so she'd finally see she should let me be free. She's off work with depression and its partly to do wit the affairs but she's probably making it up to make me feel bad too. AIBU to tell her to get out the house and see the kids when I decree is convenient for me and my new partner as I work part time. She'll need to get back to work thought to cover my bills.

Doesn't work so well in reverse does it

What an utterly hateful post, user14768, and a prime example of why so many of us have referred to double standards. I'm trying ... and failing ... to imagine what would happen on here if you'd made those remarks about a betrayed woman

Well said Momma

Regardless of why or how your relationship has ended you need to resolve childcare and financial issues swiftly so that you can present a future to your children.
Get legal advice and go to mediation.
Please put your new relationship on hold for a while or at least keep it very discrete and wait a good length of time before introducing the OM to the children,
I speak from ExH having an affair. It wasn't our divorce or him leaving that destroyed his relationship with DD. What was the primary reason for that was having a 'sleepover' (his words) with other woman and her DD 5 days after leaving the house and then for 18 months when DD was with him she never knew where she would be sleeping his, OWs or grandmas (while they were off out). We did have 50:50 shared care for that 18 months. However, now 5 years on he only has indirect contact, yes there are other issues leading to this, but a large part is due to the instability he created.
Both you and your H need to offer a stable predictable future for your DC.

I don't think the Op is coming back..