What do I do?

[neverthoughtidhadtonamechange]

I really don't know how to start this, I don't want to drip feed either (so if you want to know anything just ask)

DP who is sleeping has just received a call from another woman (I wouldn't usually answer his phone but the same number called 12 times and I thought it could be urgent)

As soon as I said hello she hung up, I have tried calling her back but she has switched her phone off.

Now I don't know what to think because he has cheated on me in the past, he come clean about it because he was feeling guilty, this was 3 years ago, he thinks I have got over it but I haven't, every time I think about it, it just makes me feel very vulnerable.

A bit of a back story, for the past few months we haven't really been getting on the greatest due to him not wanting to spend time with me and DS5, he goes out and doesn't come back until late, and his excuse is "I don't feel as if you want me around you" - it is really hard to be around someone who doesn't speak, it feels like every conversation is forced, and when I suggest that we do things as a family he doesn't want to, he'd rather take DS out alone, which makes me feel very insecure, I am really not happy at the moment, the only reason I have stayed with him is for the sake of DS.

I am not silly or naive I suspect that he is seeing other women, and the worst thing about the whole situation is that my friends and family think he is perfect, he has got they charm.

i posted on here because I am embarrassed to tell someone in RL.

My point was you posted on here but we're not willing to do anything about it to find out what was going on.

@Saiman I don't feel any better, he knows me well enough to know that I am not going to do any snooping.

@Migraleve I can't disagree with what you're saying because it is true, I am not willing to check her Facebook what good would that do? I am not interested in her or her life, I just want to know why she was calling him excessively.

I've asked him to call the number back and he said that he is not going to be put on the spot like me

That is what a cheat would say.

Decide what you want to do on the basis that he is cheating on you, again.

If i was in your partners situation and it was genuinely a wrong number, I'd do everything and anything to prove it was a genuine mistake. Not refuse to ring back.

He's told you to ring her because he knows she will cover for him.

Will he let you call her from his phone? I expect not, even though he would then not be 'on the spot' himself. If he is innocent and cares about it you, he should be wanting to do what he can to make you feel better about this. Words are cheap.

OP. you already know this is highly suspicious.

He will not tell you the truth.

You'll need to go digging

Seriously whats the point in trying to find out who this woman is. His behaviour suggests he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but probably doesn't want to be the one to actually end. Hes cheated before and is more than likely cheating again so why would you want to stay with him? Don't stay with him just because of your son. Move on and find a man who makes you happy and doesn't cheat.

If someone tried calling me 12-15 times and I genuinely didn't know who it was, I'd call them to...find out who it was. Obviously.

@charlyn I do not care about about her that's why I do not want to do any digging, I just feel violated that he has been speaking/meeting/sleeping with her, like I said I don't have any anger towards her, I'm not bitter. And ended the relationship is going to be a little bit hard because me and DS live in his house, so if I tell him to leave he won't.

If he was going to cheat on you he would be much more discreet! Sorry OP but there is your answer right there...for 'if' read 'when'.

If he wont leave. Start making your plan to leave.

Although it sounds like you have no intention of doing this.

If not why does it matter if he admits cheating or not? You know he has at least twice. You wont leave either way. So him confirming it wont change anything.

I am not trying to be nasty. Just honest

Well, legally if it is his house you can't ask him to leave. I'd start making arrangements.

@Saiman I am going to have to leave, this is making my anxiety levels sky high, I can't cope with feeling like this, he is taking DS out for the day, so that will give me more time to think what I am going to do next. I can not stay with him feeling the way I am.

Yeah with the greatest of respect and empathy for what you're going through, trust me I've been there, I'm not sure why you've posted this thread? You won't take any advice and you won't do anything about it? You don't wish to know anything about her/how long it's been going on etc, and you won't leave. So as a PP stated, does it matter? He knows you won't leave. He knows you won't snoop (you stated this already), so he's onto a winner there. He knows he can get away with it.......

I think you need to get s backbone op and I say that in the nicest way possible.

He doesn't want to be put on the spot?

What a joke. He's got your number, hasn't he.

Look. He has cheated on you in the past. He is probably cheating on you now: behaviour, not wanting to spend time with you, being vague about his time, disappearing all the time, etc. And now these calls ...

and he doesn't want to be put on the spot.

With his history, he should be DESPERATE to prove he's not cheating on you again. Desperate and adamant. Which would mean calling her back in front of you immediately, her not knowing you there, and you listening to the conversation.

Hi doesn't want to be put on the spot!! That, sadly, says it all. He's sad you think he's cheating, but not enough to do anything to prove he isn't. Nah! Not good enough. Hope you're ok.

@JustDontGetItAtAll I posted this thread because I just needed to let it out, the reason I don't want to leave is because this is where me and DS live, and it is not going to be easy just to get up and leave, I need to make plans, i.e find somewhere else for us to live. And yes that's correct I don't want to know anything about the woman that called him yesterday and I won't lower myself and start snopping and if I had a friend in the same situation as me I would never suggest she started snopping either.

If someone called my husband or I that many times, neither of us would hesitate to call the number back and see what was going on. The fact he wouldn't says it all.

Your language is also very telling. You refer to his cheating as making you feel vulnerable or insecure, which says that for you its all about the house and money. A cheating partner makes us feel many things, violated, cheated on, angry, sad for the relationship, what ever, but you don't feel these things. Are you only wth him as he provides?

If so, can you make plans to go it alone? Being with someone simply as they provide a roof over your head isn't a relationship that will work long term.

OP - I think you are at a place where the past has caught on with you.
Issues that you haven't properly dealt with in the past, I mean.
So maybe it's unfair to even try to ask you to look at the situation rationally.

I don't know if he cheated this time. You don't know either.

And you dont want to find out. Because - I think if the answer is - this is - this is some crazy drunk woman who was calling him for whatever crazy reason - which at this point is entirely plausible - because OWs don't behave this way -
So - if the truth at this point - he hasn't cheated - that'll mean that you need to continue to deal with the past. And I don't think you quite want to. Or, maybe, you can't.

It's far easier to say - I don't need proof, he did it - because then you can let your past feelings out and feel anger and pain, and be justified at that.

But it's not just you in this. If you are going to alter your DC's life irreparably - at least be sure why you are doing it.
All you know at this point is that you are feeling bad. And anxious that he may (or may have), (or will possibly) cheat.... Not all of this is him. Some of that is you, the way your brain is reacting to the situation.

I don't know the truth, all I know - you are suffering. And you need to get through this. Somehow. For both you and DC.
Running away and not dealing with shit - is the easiest solution. Unlikely to make you happier. It will catch up with you.

which says that for you its all about the house and money

This is NOT about the house or the money, I never ever disclose this to anyone and I don't feel comfortable sharing this on a public forum but I come from an extremely wealthy background, money has never and will never be an issue, your comment has offended me, even if I was on low income I would never stay with someone because they provided for me, I'm not that person.

Did you really need to add the 'extremely wealthy' part and the 'money will never be a problem' a simple "I'm financially comfortable alone" would suffice. Some of us (i.e: me) are sat here wondering how we're going to feed our kids for the next week. So thanks for that.

Thing you need to remember about Mumsnet, is that it's on the internet. And the current trend online is for self-righteous criticism in comments. Mumsnet is no different. What I'm trying to say, is that you should've known the responses you'd get on here! You were going to be torn apart the moment you made it clear you weren't going to be digging any deeper! As I said, that is the latest online trend to tear people apart and point out their every fault. Of course you were going to be encouraged to snoop. We all follow threads with interest and like to know what happened next/who the OW was etc. So if an OP stone walls and refuses to snoop/elaborate/follow advice, then it's going to be met with disappointment, that's human nature I guess. Good luck.

@JustDontGetItAtAll sorry I just won't have people here thinking that I am the type of person who is staying with someone just for money. I am sorry about your situation, if that's the case I really don't mind helping you.

OP if it's not about the money or the house what other reason is there for staying. Pack a bag, get out of there. Yes it's daunting but at the moment you are basically saying it's ok for him to treat you badly because you live in his house. That's not healthy or a good example for your child.

@SomeKindOfGenius I don't understand why you would still ask that? I have stayed for the sake of DS this is where he lives, why should he have to leave everything behind just because mum and dad aren't getting on. People who think that woman stay with men for money are those who have that mentality.