sick and tired of being resented by family.

[twoandahalftimesthree]

As long as I can remember I've always kept my feelings to myself, it's caused me a lot of issues over the years with almost every kind of relationship. A while back I realised I had repeatedly put myself in a position to be emotionally abused many, many times and set out on a long journey of exploration to find out why and break those habits of behaviour that make me vulnerable to all the manipulative users out there that are happy to take advantage.

I had traced it back to my older brother grooming me to be quiet and not 'bother' my parents with anything. He would tell me I was selfish if I ever asked for anything or was demanding in the slightest. Of course I believed him. He on the other hand has always been very demanding of my parents time, attention and money.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mum started a business in an old building they owned. I helped out enormously in the early days but then I went to university. I still helped out in all my holidays but at the end of the three years the business was just hobbling along, both my parents were working very long hours and my mum was suffering from depression. So, I helped out again, in fact I worked ridiculous hours. Often seven days a week and soon it started to turn around. I stayed living at home even though I could easily have got myself a very decent graduate job (my brother went off and did his own thing, never had even the slightest interest in the business, or helping out our parents). I worked hard to pay off the business overdraft (£10,000) and took no salary during this time.

My mum was still depressed at this stage and my dad suggested that I took over the business formally and pay them rent. As they had actually been making a loss when they were running the business themselves this was an infinitely better deal for them and of course I had invested a huge amount of energy into the business by that time and felt a degree of ownership anyway. It seemed like a fair arrangement at the time and nobody raised any issue with it.

So, over the years I have continued with the business and it's grown enormously. It's been successful, I'm not a millionaire by any means and 15 years from taking over I still work hard but I have a nice lifestyle and employ a number of people. It still pays a good market rent (our accountant recently had this verified so I am assured this is a fair deal) for the property and my parents live very comfortably off this.

However, recently it has become clear that both my brother and my mum do have some issues with this arrangement in retrospect.

Twice in front of people neither of us knew well, my mum made sly comments that made it sound like I had pushed her out of the business and taken advantage. She said that she was 'absolutely livid' about it. Both times I felt I had absolutely no right of reply as to pick her up on it would have only brought more attention to the comment and with it being in public it felt even more inappropriate, like washing our dirty linen in public.

However, I was absolutely livid (!) about that myself, it seemed to me totally and utterly unfair representation of events and was done in a situation where she knew I would have no right of reply.

It's clear my brother feels disgruntled about it too and over the years has treated me very badly (although I didn't know at the time this issue was at the heart of it). I have always acted in a kind of apologetic way towards him (he trained me that way) and of course he's taken full advantage of this.

I know that neither of them had an issue with it at the time as they didn't think id make a success of it, that I'd ever 'outshine' them. I've been trained to be a light under the bushel kind of a girl after all so I always play down my business (and every other kind of) success anyway. Even so, it clearly irks them both.

On occasion I have brought up this issue with my brother but he has learnt well from my mum that the only way to deal with any sort of challenge from me is to get highly emotional and keep ramping it up until i back down. So we get nowhere.

I am sick of being ashamed of myself for this (and for just having feelings) I don't believe I did anything wrong, and even if I had, I don't believe I should be punished for the rest of my life. I am sick of not saying how I feel.

Sorry, just realised how long that post was!

Can you buy the land the business is on or move the business then it nothing to do with either family member

I agree if you can move the business elsewhere I would!

I would also ensure that you are legally 100% protected from them having any claim over it...

They aren't going to let this go! They are going to completely ignore the time you spent paying of the debts for only bed and board that means in effect you did buy the business off them.

What are your Dad's thoughts on this do you think?

Looks like history is being re-written by your family and at the heart of it is a deep seated anger that you've made a huge success of the business and they're basically deeply, deeply jealous of you because your success reflects their failure.
People who can't be happy for others are desperately insecure OP.
You can see yourself how they've re-framed the narrative, but because you have seen through their re-framing, analysed the motivation behind it and recognised that essentially, they're trying to keep you in your box by reinventing the past. And your role is to accept their version, their narrative, their perception of events.
If you want to influence anything here, you're going to have to explode their version of reality. Uncomfortable for you perhaps, incomprehensible for them.
I find laughing at revisionist versions, not doubting myself or my perceptions and basically, not giving a flying fuck for what others think very liberating.

Their resentment is their problem, don't make it yours. Their jealousy is their problem don't make it yours.
Try and believe in yourself and your abilities and not their interpretation of it. It time to get out from under that bushel. Quietly, assertively, proudly.
Try some therapy as well to help you understand and manage your thoughts about them.

They are both envious of you and it's causing them to be bitter.

I'd do two things,ignore your brother when he comments, just change the subject, don't feed it, and I would respond to your mother, irrelevant of venue and just say something like " couldn't wait to get shot more like" and laugh. Then change the subject.

Congrats by the way on your success,

I agree with a previous poster that you ought to make absolutely sure that they can't manufacture any kind of claim over the business and also look into moving it if at all possible.

Good luck. You should feel very proud.

How would you feel about starting to say how you feel. Bullies like your brother rely on you not fighting back. Your brother has either learnt his manipulativeness from your mother or has egged her on to feel aggrieved with you. Probably both.

It may help you to talk things through with a therapist to begin to find your voice and talk through strategies for managing their behaviour and developing your own assertiveness. You've built up your own business. You obviously have it in you to do this, it's just that your family have trained you not to do it with them.

They are being completely unreasonable. Their sense of entitlement and inadequacy are their responsibility and are nothing to do with you. You should be proud of all you've achieved. Good luck OP. By the way, where does your father sit in this dynamic?

It's the public snide comments that would annoy me. Could you have some stick replies on hand?

E.g. That's not the way I remember it, then change the subject.

Or

That's not an accurate portrayal, but I'm sure no one here wants to know the ins and outs *(of your illness)

*optional extra

Move move move the business and go cool as a cucumber. As another poster has said, they are re-writing history and treating you like shit

It would be a massive upheaval not to mention cost, to move the business. The rent is my parents only source of income too so it would be a huge issue for them. There could be no legal issue with them ever claiming it as partly theirs though, everything has been in my name for 15 years and they have had absolutely nothing to do with the business in any of that time. I have a formal lease on the property so have as much protection as any other tenant.
I am having therapy and I am starting to say much more of how I feel generally in all situations, even broached the 'absolutely livid' subject with my mum a few days ago as it cropped up naturally. I was really proud of how I handled it, she tried all her old tricks; crying and blaming me, saying we must have a terrible relationship if I had waited so long to say something, saying well at least I have a good relationship with your db, we're just going to fall out then if that's the way you want to be. Etc etc
because I wasn't reacting in the way she expected it brought out the worst in her and I feel like I saw her true colours a bit more clearly. They weren't that pretty to be honest.
I know that her parents had very high expectations of her, she was an only child and had to always be grown up. I think she Learnt the only way to get attention was to be 'perfect'.
In the conversation I told her I only wanted to discuss the issue, not punish her for embarrassing me. I said it was normal for mothers to embarrass their daughters and I didn't expect her to be 100% perfect. She really bridled at that (which I had intended as a conciliatory remark), she needs to be seen to be perfect.
By other people though, not necessarily me, I don't really matter. I remember on my 8th birthday she told me the night before that she hadn't had much time to go shopping so I wasn't to expect a lot of presents. I down graded my expectations accordingly but in the morning really struggled to hide my disappointment when I got just a pencil and a ruler (they were nice ones but all the same). Contrast this with the fuss she would make over the birthdays of her friends and their children. She would always make sure they had the present on time, it would generally be over generous and often she would give presents in situations where they weren't expected at all. There is no way in a million that she wouldn't have bothered with my brothers birthday (he would have gone loopy) but I just didn't matter enough.

How fantastic that you are now having therapy and are starting to see your family for how they really are. Which sadly sounds toxic. Welldone on dealing with your mother so well recently!

If you can't move, can you greatly reduce the amount of social contact you have with them all?

Perfect only child equates to Disney mum.........nothing new there

Sounds like golden child and scape goat. Carry on with the therapy

I do totally feel like I have been scapegoated. Not fair!
It really does feel weird to have my point of view validated by your responses, in a good way, but it's such an unfamilier feeling. I truly expected ax number of responses to say I was being selfish and self indulgent and of course they had a right to be angry with me.
It's going to take some time to get used to these flaws in my mum, her true colours showing through are a real shock. I genuinely didn't expect it.

Are you a mother yourself? If you are then you know that the way you're being treated is absolutely awful.

I have 4 kids and I want for my children to be happy and to be super successful. My daughters are bright, talented in sports, absolutely gorgeous etc and I feel nothing but pride (even though they 'beat' me in every respect). That's how a parent should feel.

You helped and took over the business to help out. They couldn't do it . But you could. You can feel bloody proud of yourself .

tell them to get lost... x

They ARE absolutely awful.
Stop having so much to do with them.

They should be really proud of you. If you confront them and they become emotional and hysterical, stop talking, look at them till they stop and say are you finished when they quieten down. Then continue with the conversation. Do it as many time later as it takes. They are like tantrumming toddlers.

Also they are relying on you not "making a scene". When they bring it up in front of people and try to rewrite history roll your eyes and say bloody hell mum! You ran that business into the ground before I bought it from you!
Then say no more.
Appalling people. Shit parents.

You sound lovely op.

Wow. You've achieved a tremendous amount. Nobody has handed you anything on a plate - remember that, and enjoy your success.

I really have never seen that I did buy the business from them by working for free for that time. This is actually a proper surprise to me!
In our 'absolutely livid' discussion I was focussed on why she had brought up the subject in front of other people. My mum kept trying to turn it into a discussion about the whole situation with the business but knowing that neither of us have skills to do that yet (mine are building and I know I will have those skills very soon) I told her that we definitely needed to talk about that but on a different occasion. I am definitely going to make time for that, when she has had a while to cool down from that challenge.
She said that the business had been HER idea (while crying and repeatedly clapping her hand to her chest), that she had put in hard graft to start it off (true, but when I came back from uni I restructured the business to remove the unprofitable things she was grafting hard over, so that graft really didn't benefit me or her). She said that she was used to being 'upfront and centre' (she was in her previous career) and still wanted that now, she actually said she didn't want me to get the glory for her idea... that makes it sound like she invented fucking penicillin not just had the idea to start a business which is not in the slightest original, there are a million other businesses doing exactly the same thing, I am just doing it very well. We only sell things, and I am selling a quite different range of products to the ones she started off with because nobody wanted to buy her ones!
I know I would have made a success of any alternative career or business that I went into, I have a good degree from a good university (there's another issue That my brother has with me, he has a lower class degree from a less prestigious university, I Know he has never forgiven me for that either). I am really determined and very hard working, I haven't got here on the back of anyone else.
In all of this, my dad thinks that 'giving' me the business was the right choice. He knows that the alternative scenario was them working harder and harder in the business and still it would have produced little to no income (and certainly not paid off its debts) They couldn't have afforded to stay in the home they've lived in for decades and would have been forced to sell and downsize so they could live off the equity. They could have done equity release I suppose it wouldn't have lasted too long (they are both terrible at budgeting) and I have no idea what they might have done to survive financially then.
My brother benefits from the current situation, because my parents are financially secure, if they weren't I'd hope he would do something to help (although I'm not totally confident that he would, he has been notably absent when they've had other times of need e.g. Cancer diagnosis and treatment. I was there every step of the way of course. Took a lot time off work for hospital visiting, helped with meals and housework, supported both parents emotionally. We didn't see much of him at all.
In the long run he will benefit too, ultimately we will jointly inherit their home, the home that otherwise would have been sold to fund their lifestyle if I wasn't funding it by paying them rent.
My dad knows all this, he tells me he doesn't understand my brother, he knows my mum is a perfectionist and that she desperately needs to be seen to be perfect. She puts an awful lot of energy into this. In many, many ways she is kind to me and a good mum, but she has let me down by never listening to me, never giving me the attention I deserved as a child. And she's letting me down now by making me feel guilty for 'doing well for myself' even though it benefits our whole family.

Personally I don't know why you feel the need to have any conversations at all.
Life is a masterpiece when you learn to master peace :)

I think that you need to distance yourself a little bit. Pop in less often, tell them less about your lives. Be cheerful and breezy when you meet.

If your mum brings it up again in public:

'Look Mum, the business was failing when I came back from university. You were very happy for me to take it over at the time and have had nothing to do with it for the last fifteen years. However, if you resent having me around then of course I can always think about moving the business elsewhere.'

From what you say, it is something like you are selling equestrian products from an old stable block or antique furniture from an old barn? You could move - it would be entirely possible. Just send out 'we are moving' emails to your customers, put up a banner and relocate. If you don't have a customer database, start building one up now - just in case. As your parents are dependent on the rent, I think that you hold more cards than you realise.

I think it may be worth having a long term plan for relocating anyway because when the house passes to you and your brother, I suspect that he might make it difficult for you to continue running the business there.

Noego, I have spent years reading self help books, doing yoga, meditating etc etc but people in my life (not just my parents/brother) continue to manipulate me and repeatedly let me down. Part of mastering peace for me i think has to be finding my own voice so I can speak out when people treat me unfairly. I feel without addressing this fundamental issue with my mum
I can't move on from it.
Anger is something I have been particularly scared of, but I do have a right to feel angry when people treat me badly. I have been pushing anger down with emotional eating for years. It's time for me to face the anger and let it go.

Maybe you shouldn't see it as anger (even though you've a right to do so) - maybe you reframe it as strength?

Sounds like you have plenty of that.

Thinking about it, i do hold all the cards actually, which is obviously why everyone has been so desperate to keep me in my place and not get too big for my boots. These boots are child-sized though and I'm an adult now.
I can definitely reframe the feeling of anger as strength/power, that is very helpful idea. I do have a lot of power but I've been afraid to use it for fear of rejection. I've undermined my own power because I've seen that people don't like it.