sick and tired of being resented by family.

[twoandahalftimesthree]

As long as I can remember I've always kept my feelings to myself, it's caused me a lot of issues over the years with almost every kind of relationship. A while back I realised I had repeatedly put myself in a position to be emotionally abused many, many times and set out on a long journey of exploration to find out why and break those habits of behaviour that make me vulnerable to all the manipulative users out there that are happy to take advantage.

I had traced it back to my older brother grooming me to be quiet and not 'bother' my parents with anything. He would tell me I was selfish if I ever asked for anything or was demanding in the slightest. Of course I believed him. He on the other hand has always been very demanding of my parents time, attention and money.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mum started a business in an old building they owned. I helped out enormously in the early days but then I went to university. I still helped out in all my holidays but at the end of the three years the business was just hobbling along, both my parents were working very long hours and my mum was suffering from depression. So, I helped out again, in fact I worked ridiculous hours. Often seven days a week and soon it started to turn around. I stayed living at home even though I could easily have got myself a very decent graduate job (my brother went off and did his own thing, never had even the slightest interest in the business, or helping out our parents). I worked hard to pay off the business overdraft (£10,000) and took no salary during this time.

My mum was still depressed at this stage and my dad suggested that I took over the business formally and pay them rent. As they had actually been making a loss when they were running the business themselves this was an infinitely better deal for them and of course I had invested a huge amount of energy into the business by that time and felt a degree of ownership anyway. It seemed like a fair arrangement at the time and nobody raised any issue with it.

So, over the years I have continued with the business and it's grown enormously. It's been successful, I'm not a millionaire by any means and 15 years from taking over I still work hard but I have a nice lifestyle and employ a number of people. It still pays a good market rent (our accountant recently had this verified so I am assured this is a fair deal) for the property and my parents live very comfortably off this.

However, recently it has become clear that both my brother and my mum do have some issues with this arrangement in retrospect.

Twice in front of people neither of us knew well, my mum made sly comments that made it sound like I had pushed her out of the business and taken advantage. She said that she was 'absolutely livid' about it. Both times I felt I had absolutely no right of reply as to pick her up on it would have only brought more attention to the comment and with it being in public it felt even more inappropriate, like washing our dirty linen in public.

However, I was absolutely livid (!) about that myself, it seemed to me totally and utterly unfair representation of events and was done in a situation where she knew I would have no right of reply.

It's clear my brother feels disgruntled about it too and over the years has treated me very badly (although I didn't know at the time this issue was at the heart of it). I have always acted in a kind of apologetic way towards him (he trained me that way) and of course he's taken full advantage of this.

I know that neither of them had an issue with it at the time as they didn't think id make a success of it, that I'd ever 'outshine' them. I've been trained to be a light under the bushel kind of a girl after all so I always play down my business (and every other kind of) success anyway. Even so, it clearly irks them both.

On occasion I have brought up this issue with my brother but he has learnt well from my mum that the only way to deal with any sort of challenge from me is to get highly emotional and keep ramping it up until i back down. So we get nowhere.

I am sick of being ashamed of myself for this (and for just having feelings) I don't believe I did anything wrong, and even if I had, I don't believe I should be punished for the rest of my life. I am sick of not saying how I feel.

Okay so your Dad sees the situation how it truly is AND they are dependent on your rent for their income, you indeed hold all the cards.

Stay calm, when you feel the angry is bubbling feel free to walk away - continue to be assertive, continue you to challenge these lies. I would consider some stock phrases

"Please stop spreading lies about me/the business it's not acceptable"
"Mum, stop implying that you were pushed out the business, that is very hurtful"
"Brother, get off your ivory tower and work as hard as I have and reap your own rewards"

Don't let them use the public arena to treat you badly.

Is there a reason why your mum can't have a role in the business? Would it just not work? It does sound like she and your brother are madly jealous and feel less because they haven't achieved like you.

Similar to my family. One brother is massively successful and the other is very jealous. However the successful brother has always worked really hard and often 18 hour days and sacrificed a lot. Something bwhich my other brother and I weren't prepared to do. I'm so happy for him and hugely respect him for it but I'm not jealous bit proud of him.

Your mum and brother are rejecting you anyway by behaving in such a difficult way. I wonder if you're seeking their approval?

You're an adult, have sacrificed a hell of a lot to keep them financially secure, you're clearly good at what you do. These tantrums would drive me mad.

YOU'RE FUNDING THEIR FUTURE - sorry for shouting but if you hadn't stepped in, the business would have folded a long time ago, irrespective of who started it.
How DARE they be so ungrateful?
I think you sound amazing - hope my DCs turn out with your work ethic

I am absolutely seeking their approval but then more I try to appease them the more the abuse their power over me. I have believed for such a long time that I was wrong/guilty of some sin against them but I can see now I've only ever done the right thing as it seemed to me at the time. I do need to step out of the shadows and be proud of what I have achieved, I just know i have to be prepared for the ugly backlash when i change my behaviour, which is exactly what I experienced with this 'absolutely livid' conversation.

I just remembered that at the end of this conversation she said, well I think we should just agree to never talk about this again, let's pretend it never happened. That is her stock response to any challenge, even when she has been treated very badly by people she never addresses it, just pretends it never happened. Really mature and an absolutely great example for me. To be fair I have learnt a bit from her example and when people treat me really badly I usually cut them out of my life. My problem is I let them get away with treating me a little bit badly for a very long time then they get a shock when they take it too far and I finally stand up to them.

I need to address this with my mum as I know I am going to be the one caring for them in their old age, brother hasn't bothered yet so unlikely he will in the future. They have all been working to set me up for caring for them as penance or payback, I am obliged to them forever for 'giving' me the business.
I need to address this now as it will only get harder when everyone is older and more cantankerous!

do you feel like you have to tolerate their publicly rude behaviour towards you? Do you feel that you have no right to answer back in public?

What could your mum actually do? You're too old for the naughty step or to be grounded! You're a successful businesswoman, and I t's a shame she has chosen to not see or value this, but that's her choice, and she may never give you the validation you're looking for. This may be worth exploring - it really is her loss, but it's not so easy for you to stop hurting about it.

Might it be worth you practicing some responses with your therapist? He or she can look at likely responses and practice them with you until they feel less scary. You will then have an assertive comeback if there's any attempt to belittle you in front of others, and folk will see exactly what your position is, instead of you feeling ambushed and upset.

You can do this

So what happens to the business location when the family home needs to be sold?

I'd be looking at future proofing yourself!

Erm just because the expect you to look after them doesn't mean you have to do it... they have equity to use up. You're not going to see yourself run ragged so your brother gets 50% of the inheritance??? That seems to be your expectation.

Time to think ahead, speak to your Dad, seriously don't walk into a family inheritance nightmare that costs you your business.

Don't be afraid of their response. It's just sound waves dissipating in the wind. They (mum and brother) have been treating you like crap since time began. You are allowed to stop caring what they think. The Family Duty card has been completely punched out and there comes a time when it simply ceases to be a renewable resource. They will need to use someone else to make themselves feel better.

You are pushing 35-40 years old? This is about the right age that people reach enough is enough, and just stop putting up with crap off of other people, especially family. Well done on getting counseling and evolving adult armor as the childhood defenses have passed their expiration date.

Another stock phrase:
"No." (that doesn't work for me). This nips many manipulations in the bud.

I agree with making plans to move the business, privately as a ready back up plan.

And yes, absolutely use it when your parents are gone (if not sooner) as you can not trust your brother.

I think I would be looking at buying at least part if not all of the business premises.
If you brother gets a bigger share than you in any future inheritance he could seriously disrupt your business.

Sell the business?

I love 'no, that doesn't work for me' and I'm going to make it my new catch phrase!
I know I need to unapologetically get on with my life, I've been getting on with my life but constantly feeling bad about it at the same time. I don't have anything to be sorry for and I almost can't believe they had me believing it for so long. Just shows you how ingrained childhood conditioning is.

Ime with a family very similar to this (down to the public jibes) it took a good few decades years of hard work (therapy etc) to finally grow into my own peace. I think you have to accept the damage they caused is profound and it will take a long time to unpick it all and recalibrate.

Your family is toxic. It sounds you're the scapegoat, your brother the golden child (as someone mentioned above). This is a specific syndrome - do Google it, have a look on the Out of the Fog website. Toxic means poisonous and I'm sorry to tell you they will never change, it will always be thus. That takes some accepting. But it doesn't mean you can't continue working to identify and uphold your personal boundaries etc - such a joy to learn to do that after a lifetime of being silenced, bullied and blamed.

Poisonous people will pick on and bully regardless what you do. If you hadn't worked/been a success you'd be blamed and picked on, just as you have been blamed and picked on for working /being a success. Their bullying doesn't even make any sense if you think about it (and there really is no point trying to make sense of it): they bully bcs they enjoy it.

Google eg toxic families and any other terms posters have mentioned. Get Susan Forwards book 'Toxic Parents'. Continue with the therapy (you're going to need it!). Ime I have discovered various support groups (eg ACOA) along the way. It's been a real journey, very rich and rewarding if painful too at times.

Keep going. You've been remarkably successful so far and have it in you to make a real go of your life sans your poisonous family. You don't need their approval - which is a good job bcs you'll never get it, regardless what you do or achieve.

ACOA stands for 'Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families'

A psychological trick that I have learned in recent years is that the stronger the boundary you put down, the more people respect it.

But, more importantly, I think that you are sleepwalking into an even worse situation here. Fast forward ten years:

One of your parents is very ill, needing constant care.
The other parent is angry/bitter that you are not doing more to help. Their mind is wandering so they tell anyone who will listen (including health and social services professionals) that you are ungrateful, caring for them poorly and 'stole' their business from them. These complaints may be investigated.
You are run ragged dealing with their needs and the constant sniping has an effect on your own mental health.
You find it harder and harder to run the business.
Your brother does nothing to help, but snipes/spreads rumours as above.
Your parents pass away and your brother insists that the property is sold ASAP. The business is now not doing well and you cannot afford to buy him out of the property. He will not communicate and just deals with you via solicitors or angry letters.
The house is sold.
You have to leave the premises at short notice and can't find anywhere else.

You are paying high storage costs for stock/equipment which rapidly erodes your inheritance...

Don't believe me? I have changed a few details but a very similar situation played out in a family that I know well. Not good at all.

Whereas if you move the business in the near future, you have time for the dust to settle and to establish a more independent relationship before things get more critical with regards to your parents' care.

You are completely right that I could find myself in a very unsavoury position in the future. I have had my head in the sand over this because I believe that my brother is basically a good person, despite a lot of evidence to the contrary.
I saw my mum briefly today as she picked dd up from school for me. She was all sad-faced and wan, I just pretended not to notice. Dd told me that she'd told her she'd 'had a fall' earlier...
Another thing I've been wondering about is that for many years my dad was a 'mild' alcoholic. He has only stopped drinking recently after a health issue has actually made him unable to drink (makes him immediately feel sick now).
It does seem highly ironic that I am still clinging to the notion that my family are all lovely and perfectly normal! Aren't all families like this?

I'm remembering so many more details of how all this came about now, I'd forgotten about my dad's drinking. When I left to go to university things were pretty much ok at home, by the time I graduated I came back to my mum depressed and my dad a barely functional alcoholic. Is it any wonder I thought I was needed at home.
I normally don't sleep much but these last few days I have slept for hours and hours and still woken exhausted. I feel very disconnected to my life, like I've just figured out that it's all been an unpleasant joke played on me. My life has been hijacked and I never even realised.
Literally, there is no part of my life unaffected; my career, my dh, my dc, my friends (or lack thereof- don't trust anybody enough to be friends).
For a long time dh has just been asking me why I can't 'just be happy' and as I said before I've put a lot of energy into doing that. But I think when there is a fundamental festering issue you can't really do it. I could choose and have been trying to choose to be happy but it's like you're doing it when you're standing on a flimsy platform over a volcano. Sooner or later the volcano is going to erupt and engulf you or you'll drop into it, the paper thin platform of 'happiness' will be fuck all use to me then!
I could sweep all this back under the carpet and it is very tempting. I have done it hundreds of times before, but this time I really don't want to.
I need to talk this out with my mum first then dad and brother. I didn't take advantage of them, they took advantage of the fact that I was willing and able to make sacrifices for them and then perfectly ready to be apologetic about it for the next 15 years!
You know, I don't even think my mum did really have a fall the other day, or if she did, it was (subconsciously?) self-inflicted.

Will they acknowledge and change though? ...or just dig their heels in even more to shame you into continuing your family of origin assigned role? You know they twist things and throw it right back at you,

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

You own the business. You do not need or are required to inform them of your business plans. Do any of them work in the business at all?

Imho, I think it would be best to keep family and business separated. Operate/make decisions for the business as if no family were there to influence you. It has come to your attention that it is time to move the business (you certainly do not need to say this is to specifically separate the business from the estate).

" It is just a business decision, nothing personal." Although it is very personal. Keep your cards close to your chest. Have the family chat after the business is safe.

It is playing a long game (a page out of their play book!) and keeping your powder dry. Good luck!

Yes. Agree 100%.
Actions speak louder than words.

In an ideal world, you will explain how you feel and why you think you feel that, they would accept that's how you feel and apologise for their part in it, and you would all move on and live happily ever after

That's not going to happen here, is it? You've gone on this journey, had this revelation - whatever you want to call it: they haven't. They see nothing wrong with the situation and will resist any attempt from you to change the status quo: which is that you are the bad guy who stole the business and will be caring for your generous elderly parents. That's your box - they don't want you out of it - otherwise they have to accept fault in their behaviour (bad business sense, alcoholism etc)

As a PP says: future proof your business. Get other premises. Break the apron strings. Build those boundaries.

Do have a look at ACOA. You will find your tribe there! The longer name is Adult Children Of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. I recognise so much of what you're saying re flimsy platform over a volcano...
The whole ACOA community will recognise that.

A friend also swears by al-anon, which I'm going to have a look at myself, even though my parents aren't alcoholics (though both adult children of alcoholics).

When there's addiction in the mix it can cause a whole raft of longstanding issues in those close to the epicentre. The 12-step programmes, above, address all those issues re deep-seated disquiet, trauma, entrenched unhappiness..

You are far too enmeshed.

You are a successful business person.

Can you sell the business and set up a new one at least 100 miles away? Your immediate reaction will be "No!". Park that thought, put the fear in a box and imagine selling up, moving on and living completely 100% independently of them.

Springydaffs, thanks I already checked out Acoa when you suggested it before, that was what 'reminded' me that my dad was an alcoholic! Lots of good info on there.
I need to look really closely at reinforcing boundaries. At the moment I find it really, really difficult so I keep people at a safe distance. It'd be nice to be able to have a close relationship with someone.

Me = poor memory

What about going to the ACOA meetings? I'm a great one for rl support - nothing like meeting with others in the same position. There are two meetings my way - bit of a schlepp but worth it. Structured meetings, priceless.

Springydaffs i will certainly consider going to a meeting, I don't think I'm quite ready to open up in real life just yet but I can see that it would be really useful.
Runrabbit and others who suggest moving, I am very fearful of this suggestion, I wonder why exactly? By doing that I would be an agent of great change in everyone's lives. Mine, dh's, the dc, my parents. That is very scary. It would completely derail My parents lives as they would not have enough to live on without the rent and would have to sell their home, a massive upheaval.
Although my dh has suggested it in a light hearted manner- sell up and go and live the self sufficient good life in the outer Hebrides! It really does provoke a big emotional response in me, I'm not sure what the emotion is, maybe fear of rocking the boat. It would be seriously rocking the boat.
I am going to spend some time thinking about how I could secure my independence, maybe not as dramatically as moving but I have been thinking about having a proper conversation with my parents to get mum to see the reality of how the business arrangement came about.