sick and tired of being resented by family.

[twoandahalftimesthree]

As long as I can remember I've always kept my feelings to myself, it's caused me a lot of issues over the years with almost every kind of relationship. A while back I realised I had repeatedly put myself in a position to be emotionally abused many, many times and set out on a long journey of exploration to find out why and break those habits of behaviour that make me vulnerable to all the manipulative users out there that are happy to take advantage.

I had traced it back to my older brother grooming me to be quiet and not 'bother' my parents with anything. He would tell me I was selfish if I ever asked for anything or was demanding in the slightest. Of course I believed him. He on the other hand has always been very demanding of my parents time, attention and money.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mum started a business in an old building they owned. I helped out enormously in the early days but then I went to university. I still helped out in all my holidays but at the end of the three years the business was just hobbling along, both my parents were working very long hours and my mum was suffering from depression. So, I helped out again, in fact I worked ridiculous hours. Often seven days a week and soon it started to turn around. I stayed living at home even though I could easily have got myself a very decent graduate job (my brother went off and did his own thing, never had even the slightest interest in the business, or helping out our parents). I worked hard to pay off the business overdraft (£10,000) and took no salary during this time.

My mum was still depressed at this stage and my dad suggested that I took over the business formally and pay them rent. As they had actually been making a loss when they were running the business themselves this was an infinitely better deal for them and of course I had invested a huge amount of energy into the business by that time and felt a degree of ownership anyway. It seemed like a fair arrangement at the time and nobody raised any issue with it.

So, over the years I have continued with the business and it's grown enormously. It's been successful, I'm not a millionaire by any means and 15 years from taking over I still work hard but I have a nice lifestyle and employ a number of people. It still pays a good market rent (our accountant recently had this verified so I am assured this is a fair deal) for the property and my parents live very comfortably off this.

However, recently it has become clear that both my brother and my mum do have some issues with this arrangement in retrospect.

Twice in front of people neither of us knew well, my mum made sly comments that made it sound like I had pushed her out of the business and taken advantage. She said that she was 'absolutely livid' about it. Both times I felt I had absolutely no right of reply as to pick her up on it would have only brought more attention to the comment and with it being in public it felt even more inappropriate, like washing our dirty linen in public.

However, I was absolutely livid (!) about that myself, it seemed to me totally and utterly unfair representation of events and was done in a situation where she knew I would have no right of reply.

It's clear my brother feels disgruntled about it too and over the years has treated me very badly (although I didn't know at the time this issue was at the heart of it). I have always acted in a kind of apologetic way towards him (he trained me that way) and of course he's taken full advantage of this.

I know that neither of them had an issue with it at the time as they didn't think id make a success of it, that I'd ever 'outshine' them. I've been trained to be a light under the bushel kind of a girl after all so I always play down my business (and every other kind of) success anyway. Even so, it clearly irks them both.

On occasion I have brought up this issue with my brother but he has learnt well from my mum that the only way to deal with any sort of challenge from me is to get highly emotional and keep ramping it up until i back down. So we get nowhere.

I am sick of being ashamed of myself for this (and for just having feelings) I don't believe I did anything wrong, and even if I had, I don't believe I should be punished for the rest of my life. I am sick of not saying how I feel.

Earlier in the thread you said In the long run he will benefit too, ultimately we will jointly inherit their home, the home that otherwise would have been sold to fund their lifestyle if I wasn't funding it by paying them rent.

You are paying for your brother to be feckless. If I were you I'd be buying that property. I'd do it knowing that they will spend it all and sell the house, before they leave this earth, you might even end up paying some nursing home fees towards the end. But here's the thing: your brother won't have got any free money from you bailing out your parents. I would definitely make sure that he couldn't rob me any more.

Run rabbit, I only really want to present my version of events of how I came to be running the business. Whether she accepts it or not is her problem not mine.
As far as buying the property off them, there would be no motivation for them as they live comfortably off the rent (paid monthly) and they know they would just waste the capital if they had it in one lump.

I'm just realising how this co-dependency is writ large through every single relationship in my life. The most problematic I think is at work, I'm seeing it in action every minute of every day with every interaction. It's very frustrating and I want to scream at them most of the time! I now
I want to wipe the slate clean of everything anyone has come to expect from me and just change my behaviour instantly! I know that is not possible, it's going to take some serious efforts for me to break the habits of a lifetime. I am determined to do it, but no one (except maybe dh) is going to like the new me. They can go fuck themselves, and I probably will end up losing a lot of them, but that will only create space for healthy relationships in the future.

Yay!!

Thanks springy, i need all the support I can get. I'm feeling pretty freaked out about it today and really struggling. I just want to get out of here, a tiny island in the med with just goats for company would be my ideal right now!

If you bought the entire property and they wasted the capital that wouldn't be your problem it would be theirs!!! You would have to stand strong against rescuing them but in all honesty you need the business separated asap because it will come back and bite you on the bum.

I can see your brother inheriting everything and kicking you out of the rented premises out of spite!

They won't sell though because it would be no advantage to them. They don't want me to be independent and they want to have a steady income rather than a one off capital injection.
My brother couldn't kick me out of the premises as we would be joint owners/landlords and can't change the status quo of the situation or the lease without the agreement of the other.

I'm beginning to feel that the business set-up isn't the issue at the moment rather it is my (up til now) compulsive behaviour to provide both my parents and myself with stability. I can't do truly make a decision over what I actually want out of the situation until I have addressed that. Every decision I've made up til now has been about stability and security as I never had that when I was a child. I have become parent to my own parents and that has dominated everything I've ever done without me even knowing it.
Part of me wants a complete career change, breaking free from co-dependency will be a complete life change anyway.

I have only skim read the thread. However,

Do not be surprised when they leave everything to your B with minimal or nothing to you. Even if they say otherwise right now.

You have 'done well' and 'been given' the family business.

Do not make any expectations about being safe. Look into other options so you are prepared and your business protected.

I think magoria's scenario could be realistic yes. What's your mum like when she's baulked? You've been the fall girl for many years and she is not going to like you establishing your own ground to stand on. Could she take a revenge? Your brother has always been by far the favoured after all.

Can you call their bluff about buying? Tell them (and mean it) that you think the business needs restructuring and as part of that you intend to buy the premises you will be working from. Give them first option to sell to you, otherwise you plan to hand in your notice and look elsewhere for somewhere to buy.

I also think that your parents will leave the property solely to your brother. You have been given the business, he gets the property

If you read back over the whole thread you state you keep expecting future fairness, yet your actual experience has not been of fairness at all. Almost everybody on this thread but you has noticed this. OP.
I'm so pleased you see the co-dependence now, but you cannot expect people whose behaviour is intrinsically selfish and unreasonable to behave like they are in the future.
Boundaries, which you need desperately, will make them attack, or back off, but not change, and they are all deeply invested in keeping you in your little box. Really really invested. Financially and emotionally.
You need a much better plan. I not at all sure throwing away everything you have worked for will make you feel as free as you think it might.
You should look carefully at some of the suggestions made here and don't forget you have the collective wisdom of mumsnet available for the asking.

*to behave like they are reasonable in the future

Yes, you are right. I am completely deluded in thinking that things will work out fairly in the end.

My mum already thinks she has been hauled over the coals in our previous conversation. Her techniques are mostly emotional blackmail, getting very upset and saying things like 'well if this is how you feel' that's only over relatively minor stuff however which is virtually never brought up. I have no experience of bigger issues cos no one has ever brought one up with her as far as I know.
I have only seen her the once since the 'absolutely livid' conversation so far (usually see her very frequently) that was when she put on the wan face and the weak smile. she has just rung me up now 'to check if you're alright' saying that she's 'going to make an appointment with me next week as she hadn't seen me for so long'. For one fleeting moment I thought she might be suggesting we actually have some real one on one time together which would have been pretty much a first, but no I worked out what she meant was 'your absence has been noted, come and see me'.
She was quite solicitous in asking me if I was ok as she wants to make out that there is some stress or something else going on to make me back off like this, she will be in complete denial that her behaviour has made me back off.
Unfortunately for me, my home life is quite stressful as ds has special needs and is very demanding. She will use that to explain away any change in my behaviour.

Can you continue to spend no time with your mother or brother for a while?

Hope you won't mind me saying two but you sound utterly drained, are you getting any support (other than your therapist) with all this, DH, friends? The stuff you're going through is massive so I suppose I'm just trying to say you need to be treated with a bit of tlc just now, even if only by yourself

Thanks hiding, it is incredibly draining, I have a constant headache and my body is just telling me to sleep all the time. I was so concerned about my uncharacteristic tiredness that I went to the dr who ordered blood tests but they all came back fine so at least I know its caused by the emotional stress. My therapist says I most likely have adrenal fatigue. dh is being very supportive, but it is hard on him too. I don't have any friends (and obviously no relations) that I feel I can confide in.

I am planning to avoid dm as much as possible for as long as possible. It'll be very easy to avoid db as it appears we have already gone NC as we haven't contacted one another in weeks, not even a text. Not that its very much out of the ordinary.

Here's another weird thing, dm has known that there has been a lot of strain between me and db for many years. (I was always so confused about why until I figured out he resented me for business/success/just generally existing). But dm has never done or said anything to help us have a better relationship, never even really observed that we aren't at all close. Even when the issue has been massive, she's done nothing. eg. A while back sis-in-law made some very unpleasant comments about ds' behaviour (as I said before he has SN) and funnily enough me and dh were extremely upset by it and dh told her so. It got heated, she stormed off angrily (this was at dm's house) and then dm got very upset and was 'hurt' that the situation had happened at her house. There was no thought that she should stand up to defend ds at all, just shame that anyone had had the unpleasantness to express negative emotions in her presence.
Things were not great between me and db long before this (like i said before he wasn't happy when I ended up with higher qualifications than him and its gone on from there) but afterwards we approached them saying we were sorry it had got out of hand and would like to talk it out calmly. It was point blank refused and they have never discussed the subject again. Needless to say this event didn't have a great effect on ds who unfortunately witnessed most of this, he still believes they hate him. It's very hard to persuade him otherwise given the evidence.

IME parents wanting nothing to do with adult children's sibling rivalry / unpleasantness is pretty much the norm, so for all of your Mum's faults, I wouldn't be inclined to lay much at her door on that one.

Your mum is determined to paint herself as the victim. Ignore that. It's a power struggle, and she wants to win, and get you back on side.

I'd either get an Independent valuation and buy your building, or move somewhere else. Their hold over you will come to an end, and nobody will misunderstand that.

Be strong. You can do this.

Has anyone mentioned Susan Forward's book 'Toxic Parents'? Do read it, two.

(If you're anything like me, it took me years to read it bcs I felt too guilty and disloyal..)

You have some wonderful suggestions and support here, two. MN at its best. Not bad for a bunch of vipers

I have started reading toxic parents thanks springy, I'll let you know how I get on.
Saw dm today, I was on way to work so had good excuse not to stop and talk. She said she wanted to speak to me as 'this isn't normal' i.e. Me not going to see her as I usually would. I said I had just felt weird since our last talk and she said 'oh I have too. Very weird, very weird indeed' in a kind of you can't even begin to understand how weird it's been for me kind of way. 'But nows not a good time to talk' I agreed it wasn't and carried on with my day.
So, unless I revert to my old way of behaving (which is never going to happen- go me!) it looks like she will instigate a conversation between us. I'm totally up for it but I know her usual tactic would be to go off at tangents, make an issue woolly and bring all sorts of random irrelevant things into the conversation (all of which will be subtle and not so subtle attempts at emotional blackmail) I need to have a 'broken record' point that I want to have addressed but in all my wandering thoughts about our relationship I don't quite know what would be best for me. I guess it should probably be about how I came to be running the business. Do I just need her to hear my version of how the business came to be mine? (debt, depression, alcoholism etc- she is not going to like that!) what is it exactly that has upset me? Whatever it is she will try and deflect It all to be my dads fault I think somehow. Hmmm I gotta have a think about this one.

Decide what you want.

Balance up your need to live for -yourself-, doing what you actually want (and maybe discovering what that actualy is)

The real value to yourself of the business you've built up and the practical ways of managing it in the long term (if you want to keep it)

The value of your family and no matter what anyone says, one does love even very difficult parents ... you have to balance your right to your own life with your love for them and how to manage their destructive attitude towards you and how far you're willing to go. Your mother -is- destructive and I dont think you should let her views have much influence, and you really do need to plan how to protect yourself in the future. But I have the feeling you need to ensure she is basically going to be ok, even if you have to become the one who manages her rather than the other way around

That balance is very hard to achieve, it's a work in progress. You've had a series of revelations recently and that is going to take a lot of coming to terms with (you will). It all takes time to really take in what's going on and what you yourself want that's legitimate for yourself.

That book Toxic Parents that was recommended is very good.

Have you thought of trying a few sessions of family therapy? Just you and your mum to start with. After a few sessions on, bring in your brother and your dad and really get to the bottom of all this toxicity once and for all.
I don't know if they'd agree to it, but it has to be worth a try. Failing that, then I suggest you take a six month break from the extended family. I think you need a holiday, a pampering session and some 'time out', just to regroup, retrench and breathe and for once in your life, to put yourself first.

pallasathena, I'm afraid the likelihood of her going to therapy is absolutely zero! She would be incandescent if I even suggested it. She believes she is completely beyond reproach (she has said exactly that to me) and anything that implies otherwise is very, very threatening to her.

Seaeaglefeather, I am starting to look at what's important to me and to make time to process things. I have begun writing an allegorical story a sort of 'Twoandahalf through the looking glass' and its really helping. Plus lots of journalling, basically writing notes of what my childhood experience really was, not quite the idyllic myth created by dm and believed by me for so long.
I've also looked into a training course for an alternative career, even requested the application form! Its something that I could potentially do while still continuing my business, just by delegating more.
I have identified that a lot of my issues at work have been that although I logically know I must delegate and empower my team, actually the emotional part of my brain has said 'why should I expect other people do the work I'm not prepared to do'. I don't believe I have the right to be the 'boss'. I have always worked so very, very hard. My team think I am a workaholic and I guess they're right. I'm still trying to prove my worth and this is one way I have been (misguidedly) trying to do it, working harder and harder, resulting in being more and more successful yet getting less and less approval- entirely wasted energy. So ironically I have got to thank dm for motivating me in my work, otherwise I would never have been so driven!