sick and tired of being resented by family.

[twoandahalftimesthree]

As long as I can remember I've always kept my feelings to myself, it's caused me a lot of issues over the years with almost every kind of relationship. A while back I realised I had repeatedly put myself in a position to be emotionally abused many, many times and set out on a long journey of exploration to find out why and break those habits of behaviour that make me vulnerable to all the manipulative users out there that are happy to take advantage.

I had traced it back to my older brother grooming me to be quiet and not 'bother' my parents with anything. He would tell me I was selfish if I ever asked for anything or was demanding in the slightest. Of course I believed him. He on the other hand has always been very demanding of my parents time, attention and money.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and my mum started a business in an old building they owned. I helped out enormously in the early days but then I went to university. I still helped out in all my holidays but at the end of the three years the business was just hobbling along, both my parents were working very long hours and my mum was suffering from depression. So, I helped out again, in fact I worked ridiculous hours. Often seven days a week and soon it started to turn around. I stayed living at home even though I could easily have got myself a very decent graduate job (my brother went off and did his own thing, never had even the slightest interest in the business, or helping out our parents). I worked hard to pay off the business overdraft (£10,000) and took no salary during this time.

My mum was still depressed at this stage and my dad suggested that I took over the business formally and pay them rent. As they had actually been making a loss when they were running the business themselves this was an infinitely better deal for them and of course I had invested a huge amount of energy into the business by that time and felt a degree of ownership anyway. It seemed like a fair arrangement at the time and nobody raised any issue with it.

So, over the years I have continued with the business and it's grown enormously. It's been successful, I'm not a millionaire by any means and 15 years from taking over I still work hard but I have a nice lifestyle and employ a number of people. It still pays a good market rent (our accountant recently had this verified so I am assured this is a fair deal) for the property and my parents live very comfortably off this.

However, recently it has become clear that both my brother and my mum do have some issues with this arrangement in retrospect.

Twice in front of people neither of us knew well, my mum made sly comments that made it sound like I had pushed her out of the business and taken advantage. She said that she was 'absolutely livid' about it. Both times I felt I had absolutely no right of reply as to pick her up on it would have only brought more attention to the comment and with it being in public it felt even more inappropriate, like washing our dirty linen in public.

However, I was absolutely livid (!) about that myself, it seemed to me totally and utterly unfair representation of events and was done in a situation where she knew I would have no right of reply.

It's clear my brother feels disgruntled about it too and over the years has treated me very badly (although I didn't know at the time this issue was at the heart of it). I have always acted in a kind of apologetic way towards him (he trained me that way) and of course he's taken full advantage of this.

I know that neither of them had an issue with it at the time as they didn't think id make a success of it, that I'd ever 'outshine' them. I've been trained to be a light under the bushel kind of a girl after all so I always play down my business (and every other kind of) success anyway. Even so, it clearly irks them both.

On occasion I have brought up this issue with my brother but he has learnt well from my mum that the only way to deal with any sort of challenge from me is to get highly emotional and keep ramping it up until i back down. So we get nowhere.

I am sick of being ashamed of myself for this (and for just having feelings) I don't believe I did anything wrong, and even if I had, I don't believe I should be punished for the rest of my life. I am sick of not saying how I feel.

If you decide to speak to your DM about the business, stick to the cold hard facts that she can't deny so something along the lines of:

1. The business is making a loss
2. I worked for x months/years for no salary just bed & board worth around £x
3. I paid off the debt of £y
4. Neither you nor Dad helped with the business in all that time.
5. I now pay you £z per month rent because I have made the business a success.

Actually I would write something up, frame it, hang it in your office so you can refer to it whenever you need to!

Perhaps you could write to both your Mum & Dad.

Something along the lines of:

You were shocked to hear your Mum discussing the business with other people, and effectively re-writing history.
Then the points that RandomMess has suggested.
Finishing with something along the lines of the fact you recognise individuals will always have different viewpoints on how things came to be, but you absolutely will not tolerate your Mum attempting to paint you and your efforts in a bad light to other people.

I still think you should look into trying to either buy the property or relocate.

Could the business be bought by someone else? Then you could retrain, the new owners could run it from wherever they wanted, and you'd be free.
Sadly, I suspect your DM will always lack insight - she'd have to reconstruct her own self which most people can't or won't do, and she doesn't have an incentive to do that while you're there as her kicking board, your DB collides with her, and your DD keeps the peace.
Make your own peace with yourself. This is their shit to deal with, not yours.

DD being Darling Dad!

I have written a letter to her, not sure if I will give it to her yet but I can use it as a template for our conversation if nothing else. It just outlines the situation as it appeared to me as objectively as possible. Dh says if anything it underplays the situation but it still says everything that I need to right now. I probably need to give it to her really as she is so slippery in conversation and will misconstrue things I say on purpose. She might see a letter as a threat and no doubt will turn it into a guilt trip by saying it's a pity I couldn't find a way to say it to her but I will sit with her to read it and then have a conversation afterwards. A letter is one way of making sure I'm not interrupted or distracted (her favourite tactic).
She sent me a really passive aggressive text this morning, I just replied ok, have a nice day. Tonight she has asked if she can see me tomorrow, that means me go to her of course, she'd never come to me. I might suggest she comes to me on Tuesday, to keep the ball in my court and to give me another chance to review the letter before I give it to her.

That sounds a really good way of handling things - making her come to you and not getting drawn into her passive aggressive games. Straight dealing and refusing to play games is (usually) the best way of handling PA behaviour.

But I really do think you need to protect your business as soon as you can, twoandahalf

Just a quick warning. Letters can be used against you and shown to all and sundry.

The letter is a good idea - I wonder if you've thought out which ways the conversation might play out after, and what you'd do?

For eg, she might walk out - then what?
Cry, say 'well if that's how you feel' - it is, but where do you go next. This seems to be one of her preferred ways to shut the conversation down, maybe it's time to have a reply to that.
She might turn everything around to make it your fault
She might have another 'fall' or become ill soon after you give her the letter.
All of these are options you might want to be prepared for. I suspect she has her own reality about the business, and your family history, and is quite determined to hang on to it.
You actually don't have to negotiate anything. Maybe do the tinkly little laugh, and 'I don't think that's quite what happened there, mum' if she challenges you in public again?

I'd use it as a template, do not give it to her. Secretly record the conversation.

I was accused of physically attacking my mother in a similar situation. She had never ever made false accusations like that before but she was backed into a corner by my pointing out the truth skills. She absolutely had to have me in the wrong. No matter what.

She physically attacked ME and all I did was block myself from it with my arms crossed in front of my head and then push her away, not very hard, move to the door and leave.

I was lucky that she didn't know someone else was in the house and heard what actually happened. Nothing like that had ever happened before. I would never in a million years have predicted it. After all, I had a carefully constructed version of events to discuss with her, reasonably and non-confrontationally, she would understand in the face of total reasonableness. Wrong. Obvious in retrospect.

Be careful.

Good advice, I shall bear it all in mind, thank you. I may just learn the letter off by heart instead of giving it to her, I'll make sure someone else is in the house with me if she does come.
She has pressed me again to see her today but I told her I was busy with stuff- didn't mention that some of the stuff was going to therapy!
She kept asking me even though I'd already said not today, Tuesday. Then eventually she said she was taking her other grandson for optician appt. so couldnt do tues. I said well what time is appt (thinking cannot possibly fill entire day) then she says actually also supposed to be meeting a friend but will 'try' to rearrange it. I love the way she doesn't just rearrange and not say anything to me, no it always has to be advertised that anything she is doing 'for me' is a huge inconvenience. It has been an inconvenience for her ever since I was born.
Therapy was hard but cathartic today, we Talked about very early childhood and I realised just how chaotic it was, my parents were totally irresponsible even when I was just a baby.

I said well what time is appt (thinking cannot possibly fill entire day) then she says actually also supposed to be meeting a friend but will 'try' to rearrange it

Maybe don't get drawn in to asking. That's how she takes the opportunity to start playing games. "Oh ok, let me know when you can meet then, I'm free on tues morning, wed morning, friday evening" or whenever. If you're able to, using a touch of humour, not taking her too seriously, might help.

As someone upthread said really do take care of yourself at the moment. Enough sleep, good food and exercise if you can; and some peaceful time for yourself. It sounds so trite and not really as though it makes a difference but when the shit hits the fan, looking after yourself ensures that you're physically and mentally stronger to handle what's happening.

Isn't this an old thread? I remember that OP - as in post - first time round.

Thought I was taking really good care of myself these last few days, been off work and very quiet. I freaked out at work on Friday and not been back since. I've claimed I'm ill but can't bear the thought of going in eventually to watch myself having dozens of codependent interactions. I just don't want to be with anybody as i see it everywhere. It's a horrible pandora's box and I can't put all the nasty stuff back in now.

Tonight I've just had a massive freak out at the dc (to be fair they were being shits) and feel terrible now. Its going to be a joy for dh when he gets home. The codependency has made me into a pathetic, permissive parent and I'm angry now so totally over-reacting. I'm mostly angry that I've only just noticed that I'm being shat on from a great height by almost everybody. There's an exhausting amount of anger to process. This is really, really tough going.

I had the conversation with my parents today and it did go pretty well, I felt Ok afterwards but I guess now a few hours have gone by I'm getting the emotional backlash from it. My dad was good and supported me as I'd hoped. dm was trying to de-rail it somewhat but has also taken a lot of it on board I think. Only time will tell what the real effect will be. I guess I was focussed on this one conversation but now having had it i've realised that there is so much more work to do to recover, its going to take years. Do I have the energy for it? I'm not even sure when I'll be ready to face the world again, I just want to hide away.

This is a REALLY really tough thing you're doing, twoandahalf. ONe of lifes much more difficult tasks, to really establish your independence from your parents. Especially with parents you have to -take- your independence from because they don't willingly give it. To stand up to them takes so much, because we are trained from childhood to think very highly of their opinion.

It's normal, really normal, to want to be alone and take time for yourself.

Starting to establish boundaries with family, friends -and- children is an awful lot at once. Would it help to kind of step back mentally if you can and tackle just one at once, or all of them at a lower level? (though being treated as a doormat by teh children has to be very very annoying!)

It -does- get easier. People dislike the status quo being changed especially when it's in their favour. But most people adapt. You'll probably lose a few people and probably gain some more. Most of all you will have much much more feeling of independence and happiness with yoruself, because you will be living for yourself instead of other people.

Just keep on taking it as easy as you can and keep in mind it -does- get easier.

I'm thrilled you had the conversation, and that it went as well as it seems to have. Processing this sort of stuff is absolutely exhausting, so I'd take all the time you need. You've built the business up from less than zero, and made it a success so you can afford to sit back for a few days without the wheels falling off, I'm sure.

Doing as you are sounds so unlike your usual behaviour, and I'd be tempted to use this as a physical boundary between the old you and the new you - the one who will be respected and won't take the crap. I'm sure it won't be long before people around you start to notice the change. If you go back too soon, they may think you're 'back to normal' and that you just had a blip.

Pandora's box is open, but the contents aren't all yours to deal with.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It's gonna be good.

It gets easier and easier surprisingly quickly but you have to pace yourself.

Think of it like learning to run or play a sport. Keep up the practice, consider your plays, get enough rest, don't expect yourself to be an Olympic athlete on day one.

Thanks for the encouragement! Its very much appreciated. I am trying to avoid work as I can't be my 'new self' there while I'm dealing with dm and kids. If my new self gets overly challenged I will just go back to my old ways out of sheer exhaustion so really trying to keep focussed.
I have finished reading 'running on empty' which has been good and now feel ready to read 'toxic parents' properly, I felt so horribly disloyal to read a book with that emotive title at first!
I've also written lots more of my story 5000 words now and that is helping a lot. Plus lots of journalling which is just getting my thoughts out of my head.
Saw dm again today, as expected she tried to derail my efforts again but again I was strong and stuck to the point despite her repeatedly trying to bring other random issues in to confuse it. I just kept saying that we could discuss those another time but right now we just had to concentrate on the one thing. It was definitely another baby-step forward.
I keep thinking of my brother and wanting to speak to him but I know that;s not a good idea yet, I've got to get much further along on my journey before I can even begin to think about that relationship.

It's rarely a steady path. Two steps forward, one back, two forward ... it's fine to build up piecemeal to being more assertive! Deal with things when you're ready

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Keep it in the day, two. Step at a time, day at a time. Don't look ahead, it's overwhelming.

You've spent a lifetime being trained in codependency, you're not going to reverse that in a week, a month, or a year. It's going to take time. Meanwhile, your parents/family are not going to overpower you just bcs you haven't yet perfected not reacting codependently. You will drive yourself nuts if you feel you have to tackle your codependency immediately.

To quote another 12-step quote: progress not perfection

And another: take it easy

Definitely still making progress here but it is tiring, I'm feeling so tired even though I'm sleeping more than 10 hours a night when normally I manage fine on about 6. Therapist says it's because I was constantly on high alert before.
I'm still off work and pleased with myself that I've not hardly been tempted to go back. I am off site mostly next week so that will be good I think to avoid the usual routine for a while.
I've finished toxic parents and now reading 'the emotionally absent mother' and working through the exercises in that.
Dm has invited us to dinner with them next week, she'd better not be thinking that cooking a meal will solve everything, that's her usual cure for absolutely any issue- food.
I wonder how this next bit will play out. Toxic parents says you have to confront your parent but I know that it would be massive for Dm to hear that she has emotionally neglected us (and still is). She has put so much energy into convincing everyone, including herself that she's the perfect mother. Being perfect is her whole identity.
It's probably best to take a drip-drip approach and just drop in the odd challenging statement at first (ideally not in a passive aggressive way) concentrate on my feelings not her behaviour.

Confronting is something to think about carefully. Personally I think that varies on the people involved.

If your parent will be unable to listen, then -they- cannot benefit / change from a confrontation. If they cling onto their own world view and aren't able/willing to genuinely change and grow and interact with their child, then you know that the confrontation will be for your benefit only becuase no real growth can happen in the relationship. If they can listen and grow then a confrontation can be the best thing possible... and sometimes people can be surprising.

If they can't, you will be confronting a stone wall really. BUT it can be worth it anyway because some people need to speak their experience and then they are more at peace with themselves. That's worth so much, all on it's own. They can ride the storms of protest that follow and they're happier because they've finally come to terms with things, more or less.

It depends partly on the practical consequences of speaking your mind too. Some people can be very vindictive when faced with criticism.