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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:08

He said he didn't go to his mum's as they thought highly of me and he didn't want to change their opinion. I said, 'well they don't know what has happened so why would they think badly of me?'. He was trying to blackmail me with the fact they would automatically blame me. Erm, that's up to them!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:09

Oh so it was a ploy to make you grovel!

Ha! His clever tricks didn't work so he had to sneak back in.

What a cock.

I wonder what he will try next? Promises? Tears?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:10

Are you sending him back to his mum's or snuggling up on the sofa to watch Tour highlights after you've cooked his dinner and brought his washing in?

NellieFiveBellies · 01/07/2017 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:14

Unfortunately, it has been agreed that he will go to the shop later and cook me dinner. He is all quiet and reflective and went to the kitchen and offered to make me tea and toast. I know I should send him packing!: (

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 01/07/2017 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:16

I think he has had a shock. He obviously thought I was going to be devastated. I wouldn't have opened the door except I genuinely didn't expect it to be him.

OP posts:
hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 16:16

I feel relieved on your behalf OP.
Please focus on how much lighter you will inevitably feel; not having to watch what you say or do.
He's given you an easy escape. With low self esteem and little confidence, there is the strong possibility that you would not find the courage to just end it with him otherwise. Never go back.
I finished it with my husband before we married and had DC. But he vowed to change and I believed him. So I went back and he completed the job of total domination.
Things are now a thousand times worse.
Seize this opportunity.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 16:19

Why the hell did you not send him packing! Expect more of the same, only you can change things!

hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 16:21

Oh, sorry, just read your updates.
He'll cook you dinner?
How nice.
My husband did that too. Once. Then I've cooked almost every single meal since - for 20 years.
I get that you are scared of being alone or not having a family but please believe me when I say you are better off like that. Walking on eggshells and being afraid to be yourself for the rest of your life is beyond miserable.
He is playing you like a fiddle.

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:21

I know for a fact his ex went all psycho (as he calls it) and tried to stop him leaving the house. I was proud of myself for saying absolutely nothing as he walked out. He got no reaction at all and i didn't reply to his message. What a change for him!

Annoyed about him getting back in and know I'm weak but at least we had a discussion and I definitely had the upper hand on him. Anything he tried to put on me was responded to with a question ie 'could you please clarify that?' or 'I don't understand. Could you please explain what you mean?'. I think he's more used to hysterics and he didn't know how to respond.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:23

Shop and cook one time. Negotiated! You are a cheap date.

Doesn't he owe you several months of shopping and dinners? I wonder how long before he and you expect you to cook dinner? Tomorrow night?

I wonder when he will decide for himself to just randomly do all the laundry? Tonight? Never?

What if you don't want to watch the Tour? Who is bringing in the washing btw?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:26

Yes he is more used to hysterics.

Yet he deliberately did all the things he expected to push you into hysterics. Completely on purpose.

Yes you should be proud that you responded like a high self esteem person. You should be shocked that he tried to do that to you.

Ex might not have started off psycho. She might not have posted on MN.

hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 16:31

You know for a fact that his ex "went psycho"? Because he told you that?
If she was so "psycho" her child would not still be in her care.
She saw sense and he didn't like it.

GreenTulips · 01/07/2017 16:38

Disappointing OP - help do it again -

Nice of him to consider how his parents might view you - how kind

inlectorecumbit · 01/07/2017 16:39

Stop the game playing now.
Just tell him to pack and go to his DParent's for a lot longer than a few days--ie for ever.
He will revert to type soon enough.
Save yourself the anguish and get shot of him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:41

Annoyed about him getting back in So if you don't want him there, why is he there? Why are you doing something you don't want to do?

inlectorecumbit · 01/07/2017 16:44

Oh God. He rocked up back to the house and let himself in.
OR
I wouldn't have opened the door except I genuinely didn't expect it to be him.

confused Hmm

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:46

I know I've been a mug and I know it will happen again. Funny enough, he has already apologised for walking out earlier and is now grovelling asking me if I'd like to go out for dinner, his treat. I just see it as my response was not what he was expecting.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:47

Inlectorocumbit Thought it was my sister as she only lives a few streets away.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 01/07/2017 16:49

You're going to regret this OP. I know you feel relieved that this one time you surprised him by not reacting the way he wanted and expected. But I don't know how you can carry on in a relationship where you realize that upsetting you is what he wanted.

I am being very blunt here - he does not love you. You're his cook. His laundress. His baby sitter. And you will be manipulated the second you fall out of line. Even tonight's compromise of cooking you one meal is a manipulation since you didn't grovel.

I know it's hard, I was in your position - my ex treated me the same way. It took me 8.5 years and two kids to leave. That's time I will never get back. You haven't been together that long, you don't have children with him. Get out now. Throw him out and don't look back. I repeat, this is not a mam who loves you. Don't settle for this.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:51

Being a mug is a choice. You can choose not to be a mug.

You can say "Look, that stunt you pulled earlier really angered me. I don't feel like having dinner out with you tonight, pretending everything is fine. I need a few days to myself. I think it would be best if you went to your mum's for a few days after all."

DAMNgina · 01/07/2017 16:52

So close...

hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 16:58

So sad......
Welcome to my world OP.

DrMorbius · 01/07/2017 17:06

hopingforhappiness I read your post the other day (very sad). Why can you not change your situation?