Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:07

So you're moving from being a participant to being an observer. That's interesting.

This will only work out between you if he can change, and you keep asserting yourself

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 17:09

You have frightened him, you have been very soft. You should have been tougher and more explicit. Calling him out on his behaviour and yest telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable, and that you don't feel like dinner with.

eddielizzard · 01/07/2017 17:09

don't be a martyr.

you don't have to do anything you don't want to. you don't owe him anything.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:10

I don't really like the fact you say "It has been agreed".... You agreed

But you've distanced yourself a bit and that's good.

Bumdishcloths · 01/07/2017 17:11

This all sounds horribly familiar. My situation ended in physical abuse after 3 years of gaslighting, emotional and financial abuse.

Please think seriously about whether this 'relationship' is worth your time. I suspect it isn't.

Orangetoffee · 01/07/2017 17:22

His shopping and cooking has conveniently changed to taking you to dinner. He is out all day tomorrrow, guess you will be back to shopping and cooking then.

Bumdishcloths · 01/07/2017 17:23

Also the 'shall I just stay at my mums' text is a manipulative attempt to make you take the blame for everything - if you say yes, you're the bitch - if you say oh god no please come back, you're be the pathetic sniveller who was desperate for him to return.

He is gaslighting you. He is emotionally abusing you. This is just the start.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 17:23

He is playing games with you, and you let him! No repercussions! You should have told him to go back to his mum and stay there!

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 17:24

I know many of you feel like I've let you down today and I'm so sorry. Asserting myself at all took a huge effort and when he came back I was blind-sided and didn't know what my appropriate reaction should be. I know there will be a next time and will try to be more prepared as to what to do.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 01/07/2017 17:25

That text is just blaming you.To him it is real however, you don't just go along with what he wants so must want to fight.

When someone lacks empathy he will think you are totally unreasonable.

His financial situation is a worry as he seems to prioritise his personal needs over others. When you tried to hold him to account for money he blames you.

Please read up on verbally abusive relationships, he is using well known tactics to avoid genuine communication.There can never be real intimacy in this relationship as love means power struggles not mutual benefit.

There is sadly no happy after with this guy

Orangetoffee · 01/07/2017 17:27

No you haven't let us down, I don't think many of us would have done any different. You are starting to see through him, you are stronger than you think. We are just trying to show you how short lived his changes are.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 17:29

I don't blame you. Of course you aren't going to know what to say and do every time. You are just starting to think differently about him. Just don't beat yourself up. Keep trying to think through what he's doing.

He's also had years of behaving as he does to get the results he wants, and it's worked for him - up until it hasn't worked. He's not just going to roll over...

I've recommended this book before:

"A woman in your own right: assertiveness and you" by Anne DIckson

GreenTulips · 01/07/2017 17:30

OP - are you happy?

You haven't let anyone down - you can see there's an issue - and you are making some headway in dealing with it - you know the pit falls, youbhave asked for advice - these are all good!!

Cinderford · 01/07/2017 17:33

Feline, you haven't let us down. You've come a really long way from your first post.

Just for your information, my passive-aggressive XH used to do the 'walking out in the middle of an argument' shit. He carried on even when we had a DC. One time, he drove away and stayed out all night. To this day, I have no idea where he was. It took me a very long time to stand up to him, but when I did - boy, the liberation of being able to say, "What part of you can't control me any more don't you understand?" Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 17:33

No you haven't let us down, but I am afraid there will be a cycle of emotional abuse here. I hope that you do gain the strength you need to ditch him to the kerb, you will be much happier

scootinFun · 01/07/2017 17:38

I was sad to hear this update. Please don't slide back into doing all the chores while he swans around with his friends etc. and why the hell would he need to borrow money off his parents!!!!

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 17:49

He said that I need to not snap at him all the time as he doesn't react well to it. I asked when I had done that and the only time he could come up with was when he got off the phone to his friend. He apologised for walking out earlier and has asked me several times if I'm OK. I think he has definitely realised I'm on to his behaviour and is panicking. It's thanks to all of you as honestly think it would have taken me a long time to realise it's not acceptable.

I know I should have kicked him out but didn't have the strength today.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 17:50

To the person that asked me if I'm happy, the answer would be no but I've been unhappy long before I met him.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 01/07/2017 17:50

When he says are you ok what do you say?

Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 17:53

I say, 'yes, fine thanks'. :(

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 01/07/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 17:59

Tell him the truth, lay it out to him about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. I suggest going to counselling to help, as you seem like you have very low self esteem. You said you were unhappy before him, and you accepted someone who fell well below.

rockabillyruby82 · 01/07/2017 18:13

Hey OP, you've stated you're not happy, you're eyes have been opened to what this man is.
You know in your heart and head you don't want this for the remainder of your adult life.
It's pretty clear therefore that this relationship has an expiry date. It might not be today or tomorrow but at some point you will have that moment of strength and clarity to do what you need to.

hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 18:16

Drmorbius, a long and complicated story as to why I am still in my situation. Not one for this thread.
I finally stood up to him about 10 months ago. Told him I couldn't go on. He says he's trying to change and I've been suckered into hoping it will get better, I suppose. (It really isn't). Too tired and afraid to leave at the moment.
I see myself in the OP and I could weep.

hopingforhappiness · 01/07/2017 18:26

And OP, I would have done the same thing as you when he turned up at the door. I would have been delighted and would be thinking how much he must love me to want to be kind to me.
You really haven't let us down.
You're thinking that you've got through to him, that this is the new him, things will be different now.
I hope that's the case.
One thing more: hold on to that feeling of empowerment you had when you did stand up to him and told him how you felt. Remember how good that feeling is. You are in control of you and your situation right now. Don't give that up again. If he reverts to old ways tell him! Don't say "I'm fine" when you're not! He will accept that response at face value. You need to spell it out to a person like him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread