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Original poster

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 14:37

Thanks for replying so quickly. I've been thinking about it and the text is so manipulative. The fact it starts with him saying 'for just a few days' shows that he has no intention of coming back today or of apologising. I think it is supposed to make me panic but I've spoken to my sister and am staying calm. I've realised he won't see he's in any way in the wrong. I probably shouldn't have gone off on one but still...that's his response to me asserting myself.

He said that he used to walk out on his ex after an argument and we agreed that if we ever argued we would go to different rooms until we calmed down and then talk about things. He's obviously not adult enough to do that. First 'major' disagreement and he's off to his mum's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 14:41

I can't say I'm not upset and agitated about all this but I was trying to take advice from here and am actually glad I did. No doubt he will turn it round to say I was nagging him all day due to a hangover.

Should I reply to the message and if so, to say what? He will have seen I've read it as it's on WhatsApp.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 01/07/2017 14:46

Should I reply to the message and if so, to say what? He will have seen I've read it as it's on WhatsApp. Tell him you will have all his stuff reasy for him to collect tomorrow at X time and for hi to leave his keys for your house at the same time.

He still suliking just at his mother's house. He done this so he can do all that he wants.

Walkacrossthesand · 01/07/2017 14:50

What clutterbug said - how convenient that he engineered an argument on a DDfree weekend when you wanted him to put down his own interests for a couple of days, and do things with you. Suggest reply 'no, that's fine, stay away, I'm fed up too' and leave it at that.

Flightywoman · 01/07/2017 14:53

I'm going to tell you what happened to me last night:
My husband and I were discussing what to have later - we were helping at a school thing that finished at about 8.30. He suggested take-away, I agreed and then shortly afterwards I changed my mind. And he was absolutely fine about it.

Later on I was tired so I asked if I could retract my refusal - in front of other people - and he said he'd rather save it for another night now, and I was fine with it.

And that's my point. We both made suggestions, we both considered and refused the other's suggestion and neither of us got in a huff or sulked or did anything to punish the other one.

And that's because he isn't a manipuative dick and neither am I.

OP, sulking in an adult is deepy unattractive and usually manipuative.

It wouldn't matter if you'd shouted at him on the train or not, those other people were total strangers who probably didn't give either of you another thought, he is a controlling manipulative dick and you need to think about ditching him. Because it won't get better.

Orangetoffee · 01/07/2017 14:54

Clutterbugs message is good but if you are not ready for that just yet, reply with OK and leave it at that.

And it is fine to feel upset, cry an shout as much as you like until your head is clear and you are ready to take the next steps.

kittybiscuits · 01/07/2017 14:55

I agree with walkacrossthesand 's suggestion. But there's no rush. He just wants to get you in a tizz. Leave your phone at home and go do something nice for yourself.

kittybiscuits · 01/07/2017 14:57

I bet there were lots of things you used to do and friends you used to see before you met this joy-sucker!

MikeUniformMike · 01/07/2017 14:58

Oh OP, so many MN threads have the response 'LTB', sometimes meant in jest, but you are well rid. He is a completely selfish shit. He can't even be a caring father to his own child. Pack his stuff and send it to his mum's.
As I posted before, keep a copy of this thread.
You will meet someone who treats you like the kind, warm, caring, intelligent, lovely person you are. In the meantime, count your lucky stars that you are rid of this scumbag.

HebeJeeby · 01/07/2017 14:58

Hi, please reply to him that yes, he should stay at his mum's for a few days. It doesn't have to be permanent if you don't want it to but.... I think you need time alone to process your relationship. You will miss him I'm sure but I think you might also find his absence a relief. His flouncing off is manipulative and designed to make you ask him back. Asking him back will signify to him that you will put up with his behaviour and you will be even worse off. Let him for once he unsure of you and keep him guessing. He's crossing lots of lines here and getting away with it because you keep hoping he will change and be who you want him to be. I don't blame you fot thinking that but at some point you have to cut your losses and look after yourself or accept that this is and will be your life. He's done you a favour here by going to his mum's, take it! Also, he's showing you that he had 't changed if he did this with his last partner, so don't think he's going to change for you. Sorry you're going through this.

DrMorbius · 01/07/2017 14:59

Feline, there is an old Russian saying If three people tell you, you are ill. Go and see a doctor.

Every single reply you have had, has been telling you that this guy is a manipulating control freak man child. Sure you contributed to the current situation by jumping to live together, way too soon and ignoring serious red flags so now he has given you a way out, grab it with both hands. Because the ONLY way this situation will change is if YOU change it. He will not change, ever.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 15:02

Tell him to stay there permanently. It's a good time for you to say it's over.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 15:09

You are right. This is his response to you asserting yourself. Keep on doing that

Really think about what might happen if you let him come back. Give yourself time to adjust to him not being there. I hope you can come to feel relieved.

NotYoda · 01/07/2017 15:10

I just see Hebe already said what I've said!

AdalindSchade · 01/07/2017 15:14

I guarantee if you tell him yes please a few days space would be good he will be on the phone within an hour, provoking you into an argument. He won't nicely accept it because it's not a genuine offer. It's a punishment/manipulation tactic. You are expected to apologise and grovel.

Chloe84 · 01/07/2017 15:15

he has given you a way out, grab it with both hands. Because the ONLY way this situation will change is if YOU change it. He will not change, ever

I agree with this. I would use this opportunity and ask him to get his stuff for good.

He earns a good wage, he will be able to afford to rent a place for himself and DD. Do not worry about his DD.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/07/2017 15:19

Op he has done you a huge favour and made it easier for you to break up with him, grab it with both hands!

eddielizzard · 01/07/2017 15:22

he is so manipulative!

basically he wanted to carry on his usual weekend activities and had no intention of giving them up.

text back 'yes, thank you. i think we both need some space.'

he won't expect it. he's waiting for you to beg him to come back. i really hope you can see your way to ending this. it is very sad about his dd. but really you can't sacrifice yourself for his child.

NellieFiveBellies · 01/07/2017 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RippleEffects · 01/07/2017 15:33

I'd consider losing your keys and having to have a new door key fitted.

MikeUniformMike · 01/07/2017 15:39

Yes, change the locks.

MikeUniformMike · 01/07/2017 15:46

If you are renting, ask the landlord to change the locks.

WaitingfortheMiracle · 01/07/2017 15:56

Well done - you've got him out without a scene!
Spend today packing his stuff up ready for collection.
Send a text saying, "this isn't working for me, please arrange to collect your things".
Have someone in the flat with you when he comes, if possible leave it outside.
Change your locks, in case he's had another key cut.
Congratulate yourself on a lucky escape.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:05

Oh God. He rocked up back to the house and let himself in. We had a discussion if sorts where I kept deflecting things back on him. I asked him what he did that was thoughtful for me and no answer. Also asked how the other night was me arguing with him as he was the one up in the room huffing for hours. Again, no reasonable response. I also asked what he meant by me arguing with him every 2 minutes and said I didn't understand what he meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 01/07/2017 16:07

He said he could sort himself out if I didn't want to make him dinner and I said that the 'himself' seemed to be the emphasis. He said 'so I'm such an awful person then, obviously?' Whatever!

OP posts: