He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

Dear god, you are his free childcare too. He is taking you for a complete mug, op

He sounds like a deadbeat dad as well, poor daughter. You need out of this relationship, he is treating you like a skivvy.

Did not read past the first page...but OP, this man is a disaster. What you see is what you get. If you don't like this behaviour, it isn't going to change, and will be much harder to deal with over bigger issues. This is also going to drive your self esteem even lower and negatively impact your mental health because he twists the situation around to make everything seem like your fault. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who has no regard for how you feel about anything and that you can't have a conversation with about such things. And frankly, if you have to keep having conversations with him about the selfish and lazy behaviour, that's an even bigger problem. He's a grown man, he should be giving to his partner and not just taking. It sucks that you should had to ask him to cook a meal on the one night he was home in the first place (does he ever volunteer to do things he finds unpleasant without you having to ask?). But to then complain and sulk as well???

You weren't wrong.

All I keep thinking is 9 months. You are massively over invested in a man who treats you badly. Take it from someone who knows, he won't change, he'll get worse. Your lives aren't that entwined at the moment even though you think they are and it will be impossible to split. Ask him to move out. Put some space between you and show him your boundaries are clear. Sounds easy I know but this will destroy you if you allow it to continue.

Op, I agree with the others. You deserve more. Think hard about whether you would ever treat someone the way he treats you.

And then fast forward five years. How do you think things will be? Will you be calm relaxed and cherished? Or will you be on eggshells never knowing when you have done something wrong?

You are in a position to change things. It is not easy for a person with low self esteem- I am too and I was in a similar position. I left it too late to change things, I was foolish and didn't trust my instincts. Don't let that happen to you

"He's not sulking, he's training you. And really, after 9 months it should be all fun and shagging round the clock. No relationship should be this hard work"

Just thought I'd repost this ^^. It is so true OP. Just think, of the relationship is like this now, what the heck will it be like in 2, 5, 10 years time?
The answer is, much worse than it is now. Get rid.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet, where you can hear sooo many voices essentially telling you the same thing. Sounds like your sister has been wanting to say the same things. Hope you get the courage together to ask him to leave and rid yourself of this horrible man.

Here is another way to think about it, if you had a child, and had moved in with someone who 'just happened to have a lovely extra room perfect for your child', would you have behaved the way he has behaved? Would you let the partner do childcare on your contact time gor a haircut, not a on-off emergency...)? Would you sulk anytime they were not compliant? If you earned loads more, would you still only split the bills 50:50. I'm guessing he doesn't even adjust to take account of his child, so you are paying for 50% of the child's costs. Would you then boast of how cheap your costs were, so you could spend another £2k on a bike for yourself? Not on a fabulous outing for the lovely lady who lets you live there or even a family holiday.

I don't think it was such an accident that he moved in so saw how great you are and pounced, then started the process to train you up to serve him without question. Would you ever do that? Why not?

Low self esteem is a very common problem, but think of what a great position you were in before him. Your own place, with a spare room, a sister who cares for you, all your life before you.

The sooner you get yourself out from under this horrible leech, the better it will be for your self esteem. You can be kind and decent to yourself. By all means, look up the freedom programme, which others have recommended. Thank your lucky stars you do not have property or children with this man but get rid of him fast.

My ex did this. Moved in within 4 months and pregnant at 6 months. The sulking for one day in the end turned into a week at a time. Him chasing me around the house to get the last word, backing me in to a corner, breaking my laptop in two, shouting at me and leaning over me aggressively while I held our daughter. It came to a head when my eldest daughter (not his) shouted back at him to leave me alone. He took a step toward her and I thought he was going to hit her. He didn't but it was enough for me. Police were called and he was removed within an hour

It all seems very overly invested for a 9 month/only living together 7 mths relationship.
Being expected to cook his meals majority of the time
Mind his daughter bring her to park,make up a personalized bedroom for her.

Way too much way too soon. And very confusing for I'm guessing a young child.

I have DC from a previous relationship and would never have expected this much involvement so soon .
I'd ask him to accompany me to park with my child never let him go without me while I amused myself elsewhere!

He should be in charge and caring for his child at all times while she is with him for I'm assuming a short amount. No haircut or hobby is more important than time spent during access with a DC.

He's using you as a live in housekeeper/childminder.
You get to do all the tasks he couldn't be arsed to do that's why he sulks when you question him!

Disentangle yourself from this man and leave him to parent his own daughter. She is his responsibility.

*I'd ask him (my own DP)

I'm saying this kindly, OP. You're being an idiot.

If you stay with this man just because you think he's your only chance to have a family, you're making your own bed (and will have to lie in it).

I have had self-esteem problems, and know that, funnily enough, to a certain extent it's a problem of not wanting to go beyond your comfort zone.

You deserve much better. Even if you don't believe it yet, you should start acting as if you did.

I hope you're not malleable either, OP! I agree with you that it would be a good idea for you to live separately.

OP can you please clarify - is he paying half the rent? Or more as he earns more than you, and you also accommodate his daughter?

He sounds like a total cocklodger to me.

Google sunk costs fallacy and bin him. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, not someone who lives with you because you tolerate their shit.

So, you don't want to ask him to move out, as you have a spare room for his daughter.. ?
He can rent a two bed flat, or sleep on the sofa, when she is staying. It is not your responsibility to provide a nice room, or to babysit, as much as you love her, sadly, you are more attached to her than to him.
Isn't he a fine role model for your own child ?

To clarify, he pays exactly half the rent and bills but half-heartedly at times says that he can pay more if I work or out and let him know.

I appreciate the comments and my eyes have well and truly been opened. I thought I was just asking for advice on how to deal with a sulker and never imagined initially that the post would lead to more.

Some advice - if you share a Home and aren't married - you should include an additional sum for maintenance wear and tear etc - especially as he earns more - if you were married you'd devise the bills fairly on income etc

I thought I would post an update on what has just happened and would like advice on how to handle this please.

This is our first 'free' weekend without his DD since we started going out and admittedly last night I went out after work with colleagues for drinks which had been planned for quite a few weeks. He picked me up at 9 (in my car, not his, as his car has a slow puncture that he hasn't got fixed for a few weeks) and was grumpy because I was a bit late getting to the car saying bye to people and also because he was hungry as hadn't eaten yet. He did have to go to the shop and arrange his own dinner. He mentioned that the 2 of us could go out for a cycle in the morning and I agreed.

Anyway, fast-forwarding to today. We got up and he put on his cycling gear and made his own breakfast. He asked me if I would do him a favour and hang out the washing which I stupidly agreed to even though it was mainly his sports clothes. I also went to the shop for him to get berries for his protein shake. Stupid I know!! He said I seemed to have a bit of an attitude this morning and I said it was because he seemed to have gone back on his invitation for me to join him for cycling. He told me not to be a dick and that he'd assumed I wouldn't have wanted to go due to being hungover.

His brother is getting married next year and flights will be over £1k for me, him and his daughter. He said he was going to ask his dad to lend him the money and this led on to me bringing up a discussion about our financial situation. I asked him why he couldn't buy the flights himself instead of buying a 2k bike and highlighted it came across as quite selfish. He didn't go into a huff about this but did the puppy dog-eyed, hurt look and said he didn't give a fuck about money and that it was fine if I didn't want him to have the bike.

We were supposed to be watching TV but he was glued to his phone and told me le tour de France started at 2pm and to be prepared that it was going to be on for the next 3 weeks. Next thing his triathlon friend rang and I could hear them arranging to go cycling tomorrow (something he said he didn't want to do and would get out of) and also told his friend to give him a shout if he was at the park later as there is a running event on. This was something me and him had planned to do together this afternoon and I didn't hear any mention of me. When he got off the phone I was pissed off and told him I was fed up. We had cross words for literally no more than a minute. He stormed off and said he was getting a shower. Next thing I know he is packing a bag and walked out the door saying 'see you next week' and off he went in his car.

Sorry this was so long-winded but any thoughts please?

I've just had a message saying the following...

Will I just go to my mums for a few days or a bit longer? You're acting like you don't want me there anymore and I'm getting fed up with you fighting with me every 2 minutes

Yes - start celebrating - ignore all calls etc for the next week

He knows you are in to him and he's doing you a favour

Imagine if you were left holding a baby - and he walked in on his responsibilities

You've hardly gone on strike and this is his attitude - good risen even to bad rubbish

Riddance

Tell him you'll send the rest of his stuff on to his mums and not to come back. You wish him all the best but it's just not working for you any more.

Stay forever nice knowing you!!

That message is about him - not hey can we talk? I really love you and will miss you'

Arrogant fucker

ACtually he wants you to go into panic mode - 'oh no he's gone what is a woman to do???' Come back and save me I'm sorry I'll change and be more attentive' blah move on Mr Nice guy is waiting

Green is spot on.

You are supposed to be sick with fear that he might not come back, and be willing to do anything to "keep your man"

Up to you you're really that desperate but I would be glad to send him on his way and make room for someone who will treat you as a priority.

I would take him up on his offer and make the move back to your mother's a permanent one. Classic deflection tactics of the abuser there in your previous post re him too. Again like all abusers he takes no responsibility for his actions but blames others i.e. you.

Being collected at 9.00pm was a controlling behaviour on his part. You are an adult and yet he treats you like a two year old. He is not right for you and never has been; this man is abusive and cares only about his own self.

I feel sorry for his DD in all this too and I realise that you are attached to her on an emotional level but its not healthy for her. He should be more of a father to his child and he is not. This individual only cares for his own self. He has not done your already low self esteem any favours at all; that is probably why he targeted you really, the fact that your own self worth and boundaries are too low. He saw this in you that he can and has indeed fully exploited.

I would reiterate what Applebloom wrote earlier:-

Disentangle yourself from this man and leave him to parent his own daughter. She is his responsibility.