He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

Op: it took me the last three years of misery to finally leave a 21 year relationship with two kids. He was moody from the get go, but I accepted it was him and I loved him. We had lots of happy times and a lot of doubt on and off from my part for years. Takes a lot to admit this but I feel bad I had kids with him. He became more and more emotionally abusive and physical once. Wouldn't change the kids for the world, but I am angry with myself a little for choosing a man with little patience and lack of feeling for how I might feel.
Anyway I digress, what I want to say is, you have the upper hand here as you've already highlighted his problems and how it's makes you feel. Don't waste your life on this man, sure give it another go, forgive him if you want, try to move forward. But start really taking note of how he treats you and how he makes you feel. Become very aware, and make a plan that you'll stick too when things turn to shit again. Final chance, but don't keep putting yourself through it.
He's conditioning you by the the way, to toe the line. To let him have all the say, to allow him to behave like this. I've been conditioned for so long only now I am out of it can see how's it's changed me. I overthink everything, I worry about how other people will see me or react. I'm getting better but it's five months in an do can only just see traces of the old me.
Don't beat yourself up if you've caved, be a high value woman and don't put yourself last. Take care

OP, you must be very desperate to settle for this.

I allowed my ex to stay in my house for three years because it was easier to put up with him being abusive than to rock the boat trying to get him out (I learned boatrocking had severe consequences after trying to get him to leave on several occasions). Eventually, after a really horrible incident, I called the police and he was arrested - and after he picked up his stuff from the house I never saw him again. I really sympathise OP, you haven't let anyone down at all - when you feel strong enough I hope you're able to cut ties and move on to happier times x

You really cannot reason with stupid. He has gone to his Mum's now hasn't he?

hopingforhappiness this is easy for me to say, but possibly the most important mantra I have drummed (ad nauseam) into my DC's all their lives, is - Always make the decision, you would make if you were not afraid

OP, just three things.

1. - Keep posting here for support.
2. - Keep telling your sister about the situation.
3. - Don't get pregnant by this git.

The more I read Mumsnet relationship threads the more I despair. How does it happen that a woman who is empowered and earns her own money and has her own house etc, and has no ties at all to a man like this can value herself so little that she is willing invest this much in a "relationship" of just nine months? Nine months??? And one moreover that she is unhappy in because she is with an emotionally abusive abuser who is also a user?

This is not to knock the OP at all, but I am really thinking deeply about what is it in the way women are raised and socialised that makes women like the OP believe that such situations is acceptable? How do we build self-esteem in our daughters so that if they meet a knobber like this one, they will simply laugh and move on, and think "Come on mate, I am better than this", instead of doubting themselves and tying themselves in knots to please men as awful as this?

How do we raise our girls to have them say to men like this: "You do not deserve me. I am worth more."

I don't know the answer, and because of that, I really despair.

Dae I've seen incredibly clever and independent women who end up getting "caught" by such men.

Many women think it can't happen to them.

However there are highly manipulative men out there who play a long game. Charming as the devil himself, but then slowly erode their partners social and supportive network and gaslight in the extreme so that the boundaries of what's normal and acceptable get distorted.

The "bar" on the relationship gets set so low that they end up feeling grateful for even the most minor (and rare) acts of decency and kindness.

How to stop this - well it's recognition of the fact fact that you are the "slowly boiling frog" (throw a frog in boiling water and it jumps out and survives, put it in cold water and turn up the temperature and it boils alive).

It's about understanding and explaining that relationships are not always "good" or "bad" and that when an imbalance is continual and escalating it's a very bad sign indeed.

Run OP run for the hills!! I bought a house with someone exactly like this and man am I glad I broke up with him. Now happily married to an amazing man and have a baby.

What my life would look like if I was still with ex I dread to think!

Run run and keep running

Thanks for that DarthMaiden this is exactly what I am trying to understand. I really appreciate the boiling frog insight. It strikes me also that men are not socialised in this way, they are not socialised to bend over backwards and tie themselves in knots to please unworthy partners. Is it that women have been raised to believe that a man "completes" them?

I do not mean this to be a debate unrelated to the OP, I ask this because I am really struggling to understand what has happened in the nine months since she has known this awful man that has made him so dispensable to her life that she finds it hard to call time on this relationship.

Somewhere along the line, women have swallowed wholesale the false belief that what we feel about someone is worth staying for (Oh but I love him is a common refrain in such cases as the OP's) whereas really, it is how someone treats us that is worth staying for. I really love the sticky at the top of this board. I wish every woman would read it.

Remember that you are allowed to change your mind whenever you want feline

You don't have to wait for him to do something bad enough again to ask him to leave. Perhaps you think that as long as he's trying then you can't do anything. You can. If you want.

If you regret letting him stay then you can at any moment, even a moment where he is being super lovely, say something like:

"I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. I appreciate you trying to change some of the things that bothered me and I've tried to make it good but it's obvious to me now that there's no future for us. I think it's best if you move out."

It's a tough question - but why look at woman's expectations?

Why are men being raised to be completely self absorbed and unable to treat woman with decency and equality? This is not just a girl issue!!

Did you go out for dinner OP? Or did he shop and cook?

You are not doing this to please anybody on MN.... Naturally you won't become a strong Boadicea overnight.
You might be able to sit him down & ask him to stop looking at his phone & listen without interrupting while he is in "reel you back in" mode.
Say, for 1), you are not going to the family wedding, you are not paying part of a "loan" for tickets, he earns enough, & is wasting his entire life & money on his sport.
This is not a sharing relationship, this is all about a boy who likes his games & spits the dummy when he doesn't get what he wants. It is going nowhere, you are not his mother, to wash, cook, clean, & even have to battle to get his share of the monthly costs. & then beg for a little attention.

2. He goes out & does exactly as he pleases, & has an issue picking you up (in your car) at 9pm because he's hungry/sulking .... you don't need it
   It is not working for you, & you think that dating as before (when incidentally he found time) is preferable, He moved in, almost by accident, because is was EASIER, like using your car instead of fixing his tyre . He needs to move out. Today

3. You are looking for a lodger,

& as PP said "At some point you have to cut your losses and look after yourself or accept that this is and will be your life. ......! Also, he's showing you that he had 't changed if he did this with his last partner, so don't think he's going to change for you. "

This is still such early days in a relationship. If he is already be behaving like this I'd be suspicious of his talk about being totally into you. If he really didn't want to cook but respected your desire for healthy eating he'd just have got something healthier. This man is a sulky baby and bad news.

Thanks everyone. Last night he went and got us beers at the off-licence and ordered in pizza, all of which he paid for. Today he has cut me a 'deal' (said in a jokey way) that he will do shopping, cook dinner and do the dishes if I sort out the recycling an bring it to the dump. The recycling has built up over the last few weeks as it was his job to put the bins out and he kept forgetting.

He keeps asking me if I'm OK and telling me that he loves me. Last night he told me he had messaged his friend to cancel the group cycle and that he would just go out on his own today for a couple of hours instead of the 5 hours it would have been. Today he asked me if it was still OK for him to go cycling and I said it was up to him. He mentioned while eating breakfast that he didn't think he could be bothered going anymore and I just shrugged and said nothing. Anyway, he started to get ready and is off out. He said he'll go to Tesco as soon as he gets back.

I told him to take his key with him so I don't feel I have to stay in the house waiting for him to get back. I'm off to my sister's to take the dogs for a walk and get some fresh air. I'll be taking my time.

I'm echoing Raffles1981's post. My exH was a sulker, that shit is such a turn off. No need to put up with all this crap, especially at such an early stage of your relationship!

He said sorry last night for fighting with me and walking out. I asked him to promise he would never do that again after an argument and he said he wouldn't. I told him that if he did it again, that would be it for us.

He shul be doing the recycling if that was his job! Why should you have to sort out his mess?! He should be doing shopping and cooking anyway!

Hope you enjoy your day out OP. Please don't do the recycling.

I haven't done it yet so will take your advice to leave it and see how he reacts. Thanks for that.

Hold on, he couldn't put the shit out, & has now gone on his bike while you use your car/petrol/time to sort out his incompetence.basically doesn't give a toss, as he knows you will sort it out eventually, & you have
Then he is going to shop as a reward, which is something he should be responsible for half the time, if not more as it involves special foods which he needs needs due to bike activity.

& Wow, Pizza & beer at home is his dinner treat ?

Feline why do you say "yes, I'm fine" when you're obviously not? Why not say "I'm annoyed at the way you treat me and I'm losing all respect for you"? He'll never learn if you don't tell him. He'll probably never learn anyway but at least you would have said the truth.

Also why the hell should you sort the recycling when that's his job that he's neglected?! Tell him to do one.

The "I didn't go to my mum's because I didn't want them to think badly of you" is just laughable. He sounds about 18. Honestly, you could do so much better.

He did change his mind about going shopping yesterday but to be fair, he suggested going out for pizza (he'd pay for it if I bought my own drinks) or said pizza and film at home if I preferred. I was so mentally exhausted from what had happened earlier in the day that I said takeaway would be fine.

We'll see what happens with the shopping/dinner today. Normally when he's to go for a big shop, he suggests at the last minute that I come along 'to keep him company' and I, like a fool, agree. Today I'll be saying that I don't want to accompany him. If he doesn't go today, or goes to one of the smaller shops he complains about when I do the shopping, I will definitely confront him.

I can't understand why anybody of my age would go to their mum's after an argument. 1. Why would you want to bring your parents into your personal life with your partner? And 2. Why would you not just go for a short drive to clear your head or call a friend?

I think his mum is part of the issue here to be honest as much as she's a lovely person, she enables this kind of behaviour. I know that in his previous 2 relationships he would go and stay with her after storming out of the house. Also, there have been a number of occasions when my boyfriend has called her last minute to ask her to pick up his daughter. She tells him of doesn't suit as she has work or other commitments and he hangs up the phone and says she's 'being a dick'. Next thing I know she's texting him telling him she will pick up his daughter at x time as if the previous conversation had never happened.

He would take you out for pizza if you paid for your own drinks.
He will do the shopping, cooking, dishes if you go to the dump.
He will do a big shop if you come along.

This guy is really allme, me, me, taking the easiest way out of anything.

Can you imagine you treating anyone like that? Don't let him treat you like that. Don't go to the dump, don't go shopping with him, don't feel guilty. Enjoy your time with your sister.