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Relationships

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Original poster

He wants DS 4 nights a week?!

145 replies

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:17

I have posted this on another thread but thus one seems to be more active. It's also relative.

This is so out - ing but I whatever I really need advice.

We separated a little over a month ago - his major fault but we've remained friends for DS sake. He works a very demanding job which only leaves him with 1 day off a week and 2 days off every other week. Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)
Then the other day we're discussing bills and transerring things into my name and I asked about child maintenance. He said we'd have to sit down all and work out 'how much DS costs'.. I don't think he's taking into consideration that DS uses gas, electricity, water etc too. But then he said something out of the blue - that once he's moved into his new place (he's staying with his parents for the time being) that he'll be having DS 3-4 nights a week.
I told him that's impossible because of his job, and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't make sense. He said he could pick DS up after work and drop him back in the mornings (around 7.30) but I said that would be too disruptive to his life.

DS is 2 but is pretty advanced for his age so understands a lot, although we've kept him out of it. We've told him that daddy's getting a new house and that he'll be having sleepovers with daddy etc and hes excited which is great.

I asked if this was about paying child maintenance and he said absolutely not hmm

He then said if I continue to be unreasonable with him seeing DS then he'll take me to court.

This completely took me by surprise - I really really don't think I've been unreasonable at all... am I?!

We spoke about it afterwards and he apologised for threatening with court, he just wants more time with DS which I understand, but he's not willing to change jobs, which I also understand, this is his dream job.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help sad

OP posts:

Haffiana · 29/06/2017 18:52

Yes he has money but that's because he earns it. The OP could have done the same but chose not to. That choice came with a price.

They both decided that she would be a SAHM. The price for them deciding that was that his earnings would support both of them. A court may decide that that arrangement can continue for the near future.

Honestly why does the question of SAHMs bring out this sort of nastiness from some women? Is it jealousy? Aren't you ashamed to be showing so much jealousy to another person? Why do you feel the need to kick out at those that have a perceived advantage over you?

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 18:52

But I am not about to tell anyone that a father (however much of a total twat he is or his motives) should be witheld from his child because he has a job.

Literally nobody has suggested he shoudl be kept from his child - even with the alarming update that he may have done something terrible to the OP.

But wanting his child to sleep three/four nights at his home is purely about avoiding maintenance. Let's say he works Monday - Friday. If he wants to pick up his child on Saturday morning and return him Sunday evening - great! You could even push it back to Friday evening. But only 50/50 on nights means no maintenance and that is what he wants. Which means he is only thinking about how he can protect his money from his child, and that's disgusting.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 29/06/2017 19:16

I don't recall the OP saying they agreed she wouldn't work together and that agreement is null and void anyway once they are no longer a couple.

The OP is acussimg the ex of wanting more access to avoid paying for his child. If that's true it's very wrong.

However she's not paying for the child, trying to get the ex to pay for the electricity and water he uses and won't let him use childcare as she's home despite the fact she uses childcare herself for a break.

The child is not a pawn to be used in adult games.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 19:30

I don't recall the OP saying they agreed she wouldn't work together and that agreement is null and void anyway once they are no longer a couple.

True, but she said he works six days a week at his dream job, and presumably long hours too if the OP has to keep her son up past his bedtime to see his Dad. She said he doesn't have to work so many hours, he just choose to. By default you'd assume he was happy for her to stay home because it freed him up to be career focused, not family focused. But now they've split her contribution becomes worthless and she should change her lifestyle, but he shouldn't have to change his?

JigglyTuff · 29/06/2017 19:51

Men with children can work long hours because their partners are providing the childcare.

OP - you just say 'no'. Your relationship is over - he no longer gets to come and put your DS to bed. DS goes and stays with him two nights a week or whatever.

Do not provide unpaid childcare any more - that is no longer part of the deal.

And for all of those making the OP feel like she's a scrounger - shame on you. Her relationship only ended just over a month ago - give her a chance!

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 19:54

No. Because it isn't just his responsibility to raise a child with the money it costs. I've said the same things over and over and it's from equality, not from SAHM jealousy. Which is ridiculous. It is a simple fact that being on benefits and not working disadvantages women and children in many ways and a reliance on a potentially abusing man is even more unstable and ill advised. The FIRST thing women are told when leaving an abusive RS is to secure some kind of finances and housing, access visits are finalised later down the line but finances come first.

I have a close friend who has spent many many thousands in family court and ended up self representing. Family court system can be ball breaking and unfair, an extremely lengthy expensive progress. Which is why he believes he has the upper hand here. Wanting OP to have her own upper hand is not making excuses for this man

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 19:57

How is empowering OP to be independent accusing her of being a scrounger? Jesus Christ on a bike.

If you work 16 hours a week you will get a lot of tax credit support. If you claim benefits and don't work you will struggle to make ends meet. This is the reality

JigglyTuff · 29/06/2017 20:02

Pookie - the OP has said: "I'll be on a massive job hunt from today."

I don't know who you're ranting at, but it's got nothing to do with the OP.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 20:09

No I saw that, but a PP came on and told her told her own for now don't get a job, go to court, yet spousal support from him and Use being SAHM in her favour to prevent him getting what he would like

So I came back to say it was outdated, too risky and a massive double standard and now I have been accused of being a F4J supporter who thinks SAHM's are scroungers

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 29/06/2017 20:10

I'm a bit confused. Is he suggesting he has DS overnight, then brings him back to you for you to do daytime care? Or that you will then take him to a childminder for him?

Either is unreasonable.

JigglyTuff · 29/06/2017 20:15

Yes, that is terrible advice. Fortunately the OP isn't taking it :)

I think that's exactly what he's suggesting thetoothfairy - he wants to collect after work, put him to bed at his house and drop him at the OP's. So basically a situation in which he keeps all the rights of the WOH/SAH relationship but with no financial contribution. Big fat at that

mrsmuddlepies · 29/06/2017 20:21

Having a job is so much more than money. It is about feeling valued, being independent, not relying on someone else to 'provide', look after you. The OP has made the decision to split and most courts like a clean break. No court would expect a husband of a few years to look after his ex partner , provide for his son yes. The OP needs to take responsibility for herself and build an independent life, albeit sharing care of their son.

GoneDownhill · 29/06/2017 22:17

But wanting his child to sleep three/four nights at his home is purely about avoiding maintenance

That's really thinking the very worst of the guy. My DH works long hours and getting even just an hour or less with the kids at the end of the day meant the absolute world to him. Maybe the guy is a bastard but maybe he is a normal loving Dad who wants to see his child 🤷🏻‍♀️

MyheartbelongstoG · 29/06/2017 22:30

If I were you I would be looking for work immediately.

StormTreader · 30/06/2017 09:59

"That's really thinking the very worst of the guy."

"Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)"

This is what he already has - how is 4 "just sleeping" nights going to give him more time than that?

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 10:18

This is what he already has - how is 4 "just sleeping" nights going to give him more time than that?

But it's not, is it? He'll pick him up from nursery and likely get a bit more time with him. Plus the addition of 1 on 1 bonding. He will do the morning routine before taking him to nursery.

At any rate, the OP is looking for a job and will need childcare anyway. Why is it okay for the OP to leave him in childcare but not the ExP?

I think the fact that he comes round most days to spend an hour with his DS suggests that there isn't necessarily an ulterior motive for him wanting to have 50/50 contact other than just the simple fact that he loves and misses his son.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 10:19

*is

JigglyTuff · 30/06/2017 10:44

He wouldn't be picking up and dropping off from childcare - he'd be picking up and dropping off from the OP.

Whether or not she is working.

Natsku · 30/06/2017 12:03

Immediately after a break-up, after having been at home her whole son's life, is not the appropriate time to be getting a job PookieDo Her son has had his life turned upside down and needs stability more than anything right now so taking at least a couple of months ago so they can all adjust before finding a job is wise so long as there's enough money from benefits and maintenance to keep them going ok for now.

WonderLime · 30/06/2017 12:08

*He wouldn't be picking up and dropping off from childcare - he'd be picking up and dropping off from the OP.

Whether or not she is working.*

Sorry, I misunderstood that. If that's the case, of course then it's not reasonable. In that case, it's up to the OP to make it very clear that 50/50 childcare means he is responsible for DS during the days too. Have you said that to him, OP? Because I wonder if he'd still be as keen if he knew that?

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