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Original poster

He wants DS 4 nights a week?!

145 replies

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:17

I have posted this on another thread but thus one seems to be more active. It's also relative.

This is so out - ing but I whatever I really need advice.

We separated a little over a month ago - his major fault but we've remained friends for DS sake. He works a very demanding job which only leaves him with 1 day off a week and 2 days off every other week. Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)
Then the other day we're discussing bills and transerring things into my name and I asked about child maintenance. He said we'd have to sit down all and work out 'how much DS costs'.. I don't think he's taking into consideration that DS uses gas, electricity, water etc too. But then he said something out of the blue - that once he's moved into his new place (he's staying with his parents for the time being) that he'll be having DS 3-4 nights a week.
I told him that's impossible because of his job, and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't make sense. He said he could pick DS up after work and drop him back in the mornings (around 7.30) but I said that would be too disruptive to his life.

DS is 2 but is pretty advanced for his age so understands a lot, although we've kept him out of it. We've told him that daddy's getting a new house and that he'll be having sleepovers with daddy etc and hes excited which is great.

I asked if this was about paying child maintenance and he said absolutely not hmm

He then said if I continue to be unreasonable with him seeing DS then he'll take me to court.

This completely took me by surprise - I really really don't think I've been unreasonable at all... am I?!

We spoke about it afterwards and he apologised for threatening with court, he just wants more time with DS which I understand, but he's not willing to change jobs, which I also understand, this is his dream job.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help sad

OP posts:
HSMMaCM · 29/06/2017 13:12

And your child wouldn't have to be in full time childcare, because you're working other days.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 13:23

That is awful advice. And it's manipulative and could backfire - the court may seriously frown upon a woman who refuses to get a job and relies on benefits for no other reason than to prevent ex getting access

How is it for no other reason? That has been the situation for two years. Being a SAHP is suddenly manipulative when the working parent wants to avoid paying any maintenance with 50/50 residency? No! The courts will not ask the stay at home parent of a two year old to run out and get a job. They like the children in a split family to have consistency as much as possible, in this child's case, consistency means continuing to have his primary carer around.

The manipulation here is all on her ex's side, and it will leave both her and more importantly their child at a disadvantage if she isn't careful.

Chloe84 · 29/06/2017 13:37

How is he fair theNaze? He wants OP to take care of DC during the day, and he will pick up DC after work. Presumably he will expect DC to be fed and bathed, so he can just put him to bed?

And then he will drop DC back at OP's mother, presumably expecting her to feed and dress DC for the day.

So he does fuck all during the week. In what universe is that fair? Confused

Chloe84 · 29/06/2017 13:38

*at OP's, not OP's mother

Hissy · 29/06/2017 13:48

Firstly, the child is 2 years old.

he may well be advanced in some things, but in emotions he won't be. don't allow him to be subjected to conversations and situations that he has no hope of understanding. this is arrogant of you both as parents.

That said, with the set up you describe, the situation your H is wanting to adopt makes no sense whatsoever and is not focussed on the best situation for your DS

Your DS is too young for staying up waiting for his dad to get home, then being taken, tired, to his home over night.

user1476869312 · 29/06/2017 13:50

I appreciate you may not want to say, OP, but I am wondering about the 'bad thing' he did, which may have some bearing on how he behaves now and in the future.

If he had sex with someone else, it's possible that he intends to dump more childcare on his new partner (in order to pay less maintenance).
Some people are incapable of monogamy but otherwise good parents, of course.

If you ended the relationship because of controlling/abusive behaviour on his part, then he's still controlling and abusive. You may be accustomed to the idea that you have to placate him and put him first: you don't. He doesn't get to lay down the rules and have everything his way. What matters is DS first, then you. He may well lose interest and fuck off without paying maintenance in the near future: many men of this type do when they find a new woman to torment.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 14:17

Because the SAHM arrangement is now null and void and no longer stands. It's ended. Does that not make sense to you?

SAHP is a lifestyle choice not a necessity and now the mother has no income

Akire · 29/06/2017 14:33

Practically if he has 4 nights like others have said you no longer get income support tax credits on child benefit. You be able to claim job seekers if you jump through hoops, signing on job interviews. Hours applying if you refuse a job because you have to do childcare you will be sanctioned and get nothing.

Starting point would be asking him how you are supposed to live if can't claim benefits and expected to do childcare. He soon realise cost of childcare is huge compared to maintence.

RhubardGin · 29/06/2017 15:45

OP. If you wanna call me an asshole via private message fine.

But if what you say happened with your partner (which is disgusting) why on earth haven't you reported him to the Police? I wouldn't let my DS anywhere near him if that's what he is capable of.

I apologise for my earlier post.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 16:05

SAHP is a lifestyle choice not a necessity and now the mother has no income

She may be awarded income by the courts to continue that arrangement though. It doesn't begin with the agreement of both parents and then end because it's no longer convenient for the one who left and who doesn't want to contribute. You may not like it, but your word isn't law. You don't just say something and make it so. SAHPs are awarded maintenance from working parents on a regular basis. It may change in the future, but it's still very much done here and now.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 16:07

If the OPs ex assaulted her (just a guess), she could still report him to the authorities. Unfortunately it may not have the same impact as doing it when it happened, but people do still get convicted after the fact.

Also, if that's the case - stop having him in your home. And if anything else happens, report it immediately.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 17:02

I'm embarrassed for you thar you would advocate a young woman with a small child take a huge financial risk on hoping for a sympathetic judge who deems it acceptable for her DH to pay for both his own and her living costs - my word is not law. But neither is it the law to be entitled to that kind of level of spousal support unless he is quite a wealthly millionaire and they had a long marriage where she can show she gave up her careee to have children...So the chances of this happening are really, pretty tiny.... not something I would advocate a woman to do - ever.
Independence is key. Relying on benefits will make for a very hard struggle financially and will not be ideal for you. It's hard enough being a single parent but putting yourself in a position where you aren't working leaves you vulnerable, especially with housing options.
It is not just men who win the bread, women can too. Him supporting you fully will leave you vulnerable to manipulation and expectations - like we have all said - his nanny. Independence will fulfill you and set a great example to your child. You only have to work 16 hours a week to get help and support.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 29/06/2017 17:15

The courts are leaning more and more towards 50/50 so that the child can have a great relationship with both parents.

He needs to arrange childcare though.

It sounds like you don't actually want to work so won't let him have 50/50 claiming you should do the childcare.

He needs to arrange childcare on the days he is responsible for him.

Iamdobby63 · 29/06/2017 17:36

The courts lean to what is deemed in the best interests of the child. On another thread we learnt that 50/50 is not the starting point.

So what is he paying now?

His suggestion sounds like it's not in the best interests of the child and when he has his own place and he has the child two nights it is up to him to arrange and pay whatever childcare is required. That way those are the days you are free to find work, but it won't be easy.

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 17:45

I'm embarrassed for you thar you would advocate a young woman with a small child take a huge financial risk on hoping for a sympathetic judge who deems it acceptable for her DH to pay for both his own and her living costs - my word is not law.

What huge financial risk? As a non-working lone parent she should be claiming income support, child benefit, and council tax benefit/housing benefit. Her child's working parent should be paying maintenance, or she should be starting to claim that.

I do absolutely agree that independence is very important for women. But timing is important here. She hasn't been working. Presumably her ex was on board with her raising their child at home. She should not be penalized because his actions have split his family. Neither should his son. She is allowed to remain as a stay at home parent to her two year old, however much you may dislike it. I'm sure she will go back to work eventually, but it doesn't have to be right this minute, especially at the time when her ex is pushing for such an offensive residency agreement.

JigglyTuff · 29/06/2017 17:51

This is totally about not paying you maintenance.

Alfieisnoisy · 29/06/2017 17:55

I think this thtead has been invaded by F4J given done some of the replies.
Read the bloody thread some of You!

The OP has said on more than one occasion that she will be going back to work.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 18:05

This ex couple are focused on access - not how they can financially provide. despite leaving he isn't paying maintenance. I think access is something that can be resolved over time gradually, but OP being in the shit financially is a serious and immediate problem.

He has all the money she has no money

How would she even afford to represent herself in court?!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 29/06/2017 18:15

This is totally about not paying you maintenance.

Just as saying she wants to do the childcare rather then let him have more access and use registered childcare is a way out of not working. Given the OP uses formal childcare already she can hardly to object to the ex using it so he can work rather than just have a break.

Yes he has money but that's because he earns it. The OP could have done the same but chose not to. That choice came with a price.

So many still are blinkered to the fact that a reliance on someone else for everything financially is a really bad idea. No relationship is guaranteed and the stats show just how many don't last.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 18:16

No one is being F4J. I'm a woman! Who has been in this exact situation! But I am not about to tell anyone that a father (however much of a total twat he is or his motives) should be witheld from his child because he has a job. The child's best interests are one thing, and the law is another. If he can show he's a suitable father who can provide then there is little in his way to prevent him trying.

I'm telling OP that the financial aspect is really imperative and possibly he is going to play difficult because he's decided he wants things his own way and is threatening her with court over access when she has no job and no maintenance. She is very vulnerable. How would she pay a solicitor? It's no guarantee she would get any spousal support and it could take months and months to resolve.

Which is why I am advising her and you lot that you cannot keep thinking with your moral head on but your practical ones. Morality and law are complete strangers - there is no morality in law. Whether it's morally right to be a SAHM or not is irrelevant

PineappleScrunchie · 29/06/2017 18:24

pookie Why are you assuming the OP has no money?

Iamdobby63 · 29/06/2017 18:33

OP I really think you need legal advice, for him to refuse to pay maintenance on the basis that he will have him overnight once he has finished work and then dropped back to you each morning at 7.30 am is ridiculous and not how 50/50 would work anyway.

Phone Citizens Advice or better still find a solicitor who offers a free session. Don't agree to anything until you have sought legal advise.

PookieDo · 29/06/2017 18:36

Because she's on benefits

RoseTico · 29/06/2017 18:39

Well the first thing the OP should do is start a child maintenance claim, that will help financially.

It seems that he may have been abusive and if she reported it at the time, she would qualify for legal aid, but it doesn't sound like she did. I don't think family court costs tend to be extortionate though.

Just as saying she wants to do the childcare rather then let him have more access and use registered childcare is a way out of not working.

Being a SAHP is a valid choice - usually made by both parents at the time - and not a "way out of working". It doesn't suddenly become invalid because his behaviour makes the relationship end. As long as the OP can afford to stay at home with her two year old she shouldn't be forced to go out and work if she doesn't want to. I'm also suspicious of the motives of some of the posters here. You're advising her to act in a way that would currently only benefit her ex - and only financially because he wouldn't be getting much quality time with an unconscious toddler...