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Original poster

He wants DS 4 nights a week?!

145 replies

StaceyAndGavin · 28/06/2017 18:17

I have posted this on another thread but thus one seems to be more active. It's also relative.

This is so out - ing but I whatever I really need advice.

We separated a little over a month ago - his major fault but we've remained friends for DS sake. He works a very demanding job which only leaves him with 1 day off a week and 2 days off every other week. Since the separation I've allowed him to come over 5/6 nights a week after work to see DS and he has him 2 nights a week (DS goes to nursery for one of the days so it all works out fine)
Then the other day we're discussing bills and transerring things into my name and I asked about child maintenance. He said we'd have to sit down all and work out 'how much DS costs'.. I don't think he's taking into consideration that DS uses gas, electricity, water etc too. But then he said something out of the blue - that once he's moved into his new place (he's staying with his parents for the time being) that he'll be having DS 3-4 nights a week.
I told him that's impossible because of his job, and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't make sense. He said he could pick DS up after work and drop him back in the mornings (around 7.30) but I said that would be too disruptive to his life.

DS is 2 but is pretty advanced for his age so understands a lot, although we've kept him out of it. We've told him that daddy's getting a new house and that he'll be having sleepovers with daddy etc and hes excited which is great.

I asked if this was about paying child maintenance and he said absolutely not hmm

He then said if I continue to be unreasonable with him seeing DS then he'll take me to court.

This completely took me by surprise - I really really don't think I've been unreasonable at all... am I?!

We spoke about it afterwards and he apologised for threatening with court, he just wants more time with DS which I understand, but he's not willing to change jobs, which I also understand, this is his dream job.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Please help sad

OP posts:

FidgetSpinner · 28/06/2017 19:53

Op how often has your ex looked after him alone?

ElusiveDuck · 28/06/2017 19:59

If he wants 3 nights a week, then he has to pay for his son's childcare during his days.

Chloe84 · 28/06/2017 20:00

RhubardGin

Actually, OP said in her OP that it was 'his major fault', which should have given you a clue that he's done something bad. So not a drip feed.

Graceflorrick · 28/06/2017 20:02

You need proper advice OP.

mineofuselessinformation · 28/06/2017 20:05

My thoughts?
If he wants to see DS, he takes him elsewhere - your home is your home, and believe me, if things turn nasty, you won't want to have set a precedent where he feels he has the right of free entry. (All property ownership / rental possibly excepted.)
Secondly, this is absolutely about maintenance - call his bluff and tell him you'll be looking for a job on the days he has DS and wait for his reaction!

Boysnme · 28/06/2017 20:06

OP you might be home now during the day to watch your son but will you when you go back to work? Who's going to pay for childcare then? If your DP is having him 50/50 then he needs to pay for childcare when it's his days and you need to when it's yours. Otherwise you may end up paying childcare on your days but watching your son on his days for free depending on your working hours. Think this through fully before ou agree to anything.

gttia · 28/06/2017 20:12

50/50 should be the norm, but he should provide childcare on his days.

My ex does two nights month, both my children and I would love more, but that's why he withholds it.
His days - his childcare

NapQueen · 28/06/2017 20:15

This why the 5050 should be split in hours. Makes it much much more measurable.

PhilODox · 28/06/2017 20:16

YABU- he's DS parent as much as you are.
It's fine- work out a schedule between you so that over a fortnight you have 7 days/nights each, then get that set in stone so you can get part time work without needing to mess around. DS gets time and stays close with both parents, you get an increased income-. Win:win.

Natsku · 28/06/2017 20:17

Definitely don't agree to four nights a week as that would make him the 'main' parent and then you'd lose all child-related benefits I think.

I've been through mediation with a child psychologist giving their expert advice and they said two years is too young for 50/50 (and from my own experience with DD even 65/35ish was too much for her at two years old and she developed attachment issues). Best is if the child sees the non-resident parent frequently (at least every 3 days at that age) but not so much overnights.

PhilODox · 28/06/2017 20:18

But yes- on days he has DS overnight he has to drop DS to nursery (which obviously he'll have to arrange)- do not do that for him!

RandomMess · 28/06/2017 20:19

TBH I would cut back on the nightly visits now, stop this precedent of him seeing him every evening.

Instead of him staying over in his new place you could offer that he skypes for half an hour shortly before his bedtime so they still have contact.

Talk about wanting to have his cake and eat it!!! He could have Fri-Mon EOW and one weekday night each week and be sure to insist you get to Skype if that's what you/DS want...

n0rtherrn · 28/06/2017 20:22

He is clearly trying get out of paying maintenance.

Tell him that if he wants 3-4 nights, he has the days too, and organises and pays for childcare. That is the only fair way to do it if nobody pays maintenance.

He is taking the piss expecting to collect your son, take him home to bed, then drop him off again in the morning.

ivykaty44 · 28/06/2017 20:23

Its his choice dream job or DC - parents can't always have everything and often adjust their life to fit in with DC

Calmly tell him he is welcome to go down the court root but first he needs to think about mediation as a sensible route rather than court as a threat to you.

Good luck

seasidesally · 28/06/2017 20:24

if your son says 3-4 nights with his dad will you loose tax credits etc

you will need a job if this is the case or you will have to claim Job seekers allowance

i think you really need to look into this thoroughly

ivykaty44 · 28/06/2017 20:28

It's nights he wants the DC not during the day, if op gets herself a job and they have shared care then e. Can pick up the tab for nursery

heebiejeebie · 28/06/2017 20:32

I don't think that because a parent works they should not have 50/50 care of their child. What's wrong is that he expects you to do the wrap around care.

What if you were both in work and he lost his job - would you happily hand over your child for him to look after 6 days a week? It's shitty that you are splitting up and that means you will both get to spend less time with him but I think posters are wrong to say that automatically you should have your son most of the time. Or to assume that he wants him only to avoid maintenance. It might be better to start from the point that you both love him and would like to live with him full time but neither of you can have that.

You need some legal advice.

happy2bhomely · 28/06/2017 20:55

I think it's better to start from the point that your son loves both of you and you both need to do what is best for him.

From my point of view, the sensible thing would be for you to look for childcare so that you can return to work as soon as possible and then you can decide who picks ds up on which days so that he doesn't have to go too long between seeing either of you.

No arrangement is likely to feel fair to you or your ex but that's not the point really.

I do feel for you though.

Quartz2208 · 28/06/2017 21:36

Yep it's maintenance. I would say the 2 nights is working fine. Alongside that x amount for maintenance. If he wishes to go to court fine, but you will want maintenance through the csa.

If he does have more nights he will be responsible for the days in order for it to be 50/50 and he will have to pay childcare.

Quartz2208 · 28/06/2017 21:38

And stop him coming round yours. Stick to the 2 nights a week now with him at his parents

C0untDucku1a · 28/06/2017 21:51

Cant believe some replies here. Since when is reasonable 50/50 contact dad has child when everyone is asleep and mum has child when he is awake?!

Op you must see a solicitor.

PookieDo · 28/06/2017 21:59

Not one person said that his suggestion was reasonable on those terms. Read the thread?

But he can totally apply for 50/50 nothing is stopping him trying.

rwalker · 28/06/2017 23:50

wow nice to see in these enlighten times of equality the farther is entitled to what access the mother decides to give him

PickAChew · 28/06/2017 23:58

So, basically, your DS would spend his waking evenings with you, then go to his dad's, just to sleep?

Sod that for a game of soldiers. It's far to convenient and hardly a good way for father-son bonding to occur.

Alanna1 · 29/06/2017 00:03

A friend of mine consulted a child psychologist jointly with her ex DP which helped them focus on what was in their child's best interests.

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