I've named changed for this; he knows I use MN, although he probably doesn't follow me online.
After 30 years, I've had enough. It's all low level controlling and abusive stuff, which he would certainly deny is abusive. He can be nice at times, especially in public.
But I get treated like a child, told to do this or that. Since the moment I got pregnant I found myself effectively doing all the chores. He'll find some way, all the time, of making an excuse whey he shouldn't be doing them. In particular, his excuse when I was part time for the sake of the children (despite my job at the time being the higher earning potential) was that I had "more time".
I've been reading this board for a long time, and had a slow realisation that a lot of the things described here apply to me in some way. I do come from a dysfunctional family, but they aren't nasty parents, just clueless from their dysfunctions. They love me and my DB dearly, and are loaning me the money to set up in a rental property with the DCs. It's probably no coincidence that DB has also recently come out of an abusive relationship.
'D'P and I never married. He'd divorced his wife when I met him, quite young, and I know now the flags I should have spotted then; badmouthing the ex (who I actually get on well with), the maninuplation by hinting at suicide a couple of times, the depression that somehow allows hime to be an arsehole, etc.
So as we aren't married, the house is in his name, but I ended up being pressured into paying off a chuck of the mortgage with my redundancy payment, "to reduce our costs until you get another job". But he never cut down his mortgage overpayments, cleared the morgage and is now building up his savings, while I have no savings having paid his morgage. I do work now, FT.
The DCs and I walk on eggshells wondering about what mood he'll be in on getting home. Never actually been physically abusive, though. But the incident that started me thinking about the relationship and it's effect on the DCs was late last year, when DC1 and I were in the kitchen with him, and he told her to stop "screaming". She wasn't but her voice can get high when she's excited. She spoke again in that high voice and he yelled at her. She scuttled to the other end of the kitchen before i could intervene and he grabbed her arm hard enough to leave a mark. She's scared of hime now, with good reason. Since then, there's been a little edge of aggression towards her which he doesn't show to our DS. She has bad anxiety and mild depression (been to a doctor) and DS is showing the signs of following suit.
I've always been a comfort eater, and looking back I can see living with him has always raised my stress levels. I'm obese, but instead of being supportive I get constant fat digs from him, including during sex, and he wonders why my libido is dropping. I'm making modifications to my diet and have recently increased my activity levels significantly. I feel better for that.
There are other factors as well, influencing my decision, but going into them could out me.
I realised how much of a crap person he is, and secretly started planning an exit. I've never rented before having straight from parents into his house. But I'm using some of the info gleaned from you lovely people and my application for a little house for me and DCs is progressing well.
I have a cousin with some housing experience, who has given me the name of a good local solitor, so I'm hoping I can get back the money I paid into the house (I do have paper trail). I'm going to be scanning his financial documents when he's out, and saving them to my cloud storage.
I can't talk to him to try and repair this. He'd simply deny abuse, and try to twist it all that it's my fault. Like DD, I'm a little scared of him now.
Sorry, this must seem quite a ramble, but I guess it's because I am finally letting it all out. I'm not expecting anyone to reply, but it's helping me to set it down.