Emotionally abusive husband alienating my children

[Anon4004]

Hi,
I'm new to mumnet and its taken a lot of courage for me to post here, but I need help. I told my emotionally abusive husband (who I've been with for over 20 years) 2 months ago that I want to separate as I can't live with him anymore. We have two children under 10 and he is doing his best to poison them against me, manipulate and intimadate them, and it appears to be working. He is making my life hell, refusing to work or give me any money, while I work full time trying to keep it all together and pay for everything.He also takes the children out any chance he gets when I'm home, so even on my 2 days off I don't get to do anything with them as it's more and more difficult to get them to come with me because he stands there looking intimadating when they go to get into my car.
He told me he will destroy me and I'll be left with nothing and also told my children in front of me that I am splitting up the family because I'm not happy but that daddy doesn't want that. He had them sleeping in with him for weeks after I told him I wanted us to separate, calling it the family bed!!(Another way to exclude me) As a result of this their routine is all over the place and their behaviour towards me has deteriorated.
In a nutshell he's alienating my beautiful children from me, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.
I have enslisted a solicitor, but she tells me theres nothing I can do until we are separated a year(we are in separate rooms nearly 3 months).
I just need to know what other peoples experiences have been, and how they coped/got out.
My mental health and that of my children is suffering , and they have no idea what daddy is actually doing.
Thank you.

That is horrific. If he is already established as primary carer then I would seriously consider moving out, mediation to arrange contact and if he's obstructive straight to court.

So sorry but I would consider this as damage limitation for your DC

Hey,
Thanks for the reply. We haven't been to court yet, so he hasn't been established as primary carer, my solicitor only contacted him for the 1st time two weeks ago and he has refused to engage so far. I want to move out with the chuldren , but I'm terrified he'll get to stay in the family home with them and then he'll tell them that he was right and mammy has left them. I'm so scared and confused. I know if I leave he'll follow me and try take them back which will traumatise them even further.

Ok with that update I would actually speak to WA you need to go to a refuge asap.

No house is worth this abuse!

Thank you @random mess for your reply and advice

Do ring WA.
Does he work?
Can you drop your hours? So that you have more days off and/or are around after school?
Can you take them to stay with any family or friends?

He won't destroy you or take your children. You'll get advice and support here.
Remember that these circumstances are temporary and your DC are confused (and tired) and things will get better. You are their mummy and that will never change.

How did I miss that? Sorry. OK so he's refusing to work.
I think you need to reassess this position you're in of enabling him to be with th by paying for everything.
If you left with the DC to a refuge, you'd still have a claim on the house.

Take your children and leave ASAP.

*to be with them

Hi @theansweris42,
Thanks for the response. He used to work , but was made redundant and now refuses to work . I'm going to drop hours in work , but don't think it will be possible as not log in the place. I have organised somewhere to stay, but I know I'll have difficulty getting them out of the house as he is literally there 24/7 trying to intimidate.
I'm so scared as my kids attitude towards me has already changed, they are angry with me and not as warm as affectionate as they once were, but that's to be expected I guess as he's poisining them against me consistantly , and manipulating them. I'm afraid I'm loosing them.
:-(

In a similar situation (my ex did work though) I did take my DC and leave.
He was and continues to be awful. He has his access with the DC. But his influence is lessened and I have got back on my feet.
You don't have to be ruled by him anymore

As he is intimidating you and your DC I think you should definitely get advice from WA urgently.
Speak to work, ask for emergency leave.

Would you be able to pack a couple of bags in secret and stash at work and with all your Documents?
Could you speak with him about DC needed mummy as well as daddy and for their sake they need time with you? Just pay lipservice so that you can get time with them. And then consider moving to the place set up (well done).

You really need to leave with them asap.

Do you have any family or friends that could come around to take the DC to the "park" with you or something??

With his behaviour I really think you would be best going into a refuge first of all otherwise he may find you and make things difficult/snatch the children back before you have sorted some things out legally.

Emergency leave from work and speak to WA urgently.

Thanks a million guys, I have just spoken to my solicitor again re leaving, and I know now it's the right thing to do, although I 'm terrified.I know like you @theansweris42 he will contunue to be awful and that worries me too. How do you deal with that, and how did you get your children back on track?
Thanks Again

That's why I think the refuge may be the best option for you because you will have protection from him.

I maintained absolute civility with him I didn't rise to anything.
The things he has said and done have been totally wrong and unjust but I have never been anything but pleasant to his face when DC there and about him in conversation with them.
It's very hard. It's infuriating and unfair.
But it's all a picnic compared to living with him.

Gave them love love love. I try not to be too soft (!) and maintain sensible boundaries.
I am as consistent as possible.
They're your DC, once his influence is lessened things will get better.

My ex did just that when I told him I wanted to separate. Just a warning that the way abuse works is towards more violence and you need to keep yourself safe. You need a plan, ideally for him to leave as it opens your right for so many things.
I would advise that you collect some evidence, keep a diary record stuff. Get professional advice from womansaid. Counselling can help with emotional support during this difficult time.

I don't think this guy will leave though.

You really must contact Women's Aid immediately. He is abusing the kids and you need expert advice and support.

Women's Aid are THE experts. National helpline 0808 2000 247, tho lines busy during the day - try to call at night if possible OR contact your local office during office hours. You really must get onto this immediately, there is no time to lose. Every moment he is abusing them more.

I think you will be surprised at the power you do have BUT you need specialist support to realise it.

Keep diaries, detailing all events (you could add this thread eg days and times): this will be potent evidence in court.

Women's Aid have a list of solicitors who are up on domestic abuse/coercive control. Not all are op!

Wishing you the very best. You must act quickly

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me. I have talked to my solicitor and will call WA tonight, I feel a bit stronger now knowing I'm not alone in my struggle, not that I would wish this on anyone. You've helped me more then you know. x

KOKO

Good god you poor poor woman. I actually feel I might cry reading this. I 100% agree that you MUST take your children and leave this man, throw yourself on the mercy of WA and just do whatever they tell you, this is an emergency situation.

DC and you must be suffering brutally. He sounds so destructive, it's chilling to read. I think everyone here wishes they could drive to your house and collect all of you and get you to safety. You deserve to feel safe and protected. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.