Emotionally abusive husband alienating my children

[Anon4004]

Hi,
I'm new to mumnet and its taken a lot of courage for me to post here, but I need help. I told my emotionally abusive husband (who I've been with for over 20 years) 2 months ago that I want to separate as I can't live with him anymore. We have two children under 10 and he is doing his best to poison them against me, manipulate and intimadate them, and it appears to be working. He is making my life hell, refusing to work or give me any money, while I work full time trying to keep it all together and pay for everything.He also takes the children out any chance he gets when I'm home, so even on my 2 days off I don't get to do anything with them as it's more and more difficult to get them to come with me because he stands there looking intimadating when they go to get into my car.
He told me he will destroy me and I'll be left with nothing and also told my children in front of me that I am splitting up the family because I'm not happy but that daddy doesn't want that. He had them sleeping in with him for weeks after I told him I wanted us to separate, calling it the family bed!!(Another way to exclude me) As a result of this their routine is all over the place and their behaviour towards me has deteriorated.
In a nutshell he's alienating my beautiful children from me, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.
I have enslisted a solicitor, but she tells me theres nothing I can do until we are separated a year(we are in separate rooms nearly 3 months).
I just need to know what other peoples experiences have been, and how they coped/got out.
My mental health and that of my children is suffering , and they have no idea what daddy is actually doing.
Thank you.

I can't believe so many of you are going through or have gone through this, I'm so sorry for everyone, but you have given me hope and strength to think I can get away. This time two days ago I felt I had no way out and was trapped in this hideous existance.I was so scared to even post here, and now so glad I did. You are a wonderful bunch of women, thank you for everything, I'll keep you posted on how I get on.x

It's a nightmare
Be aware he may try to provoke you into behaving aggressively, out of character. It's typically done so he then has the "upper hand", so important to these kind of people. He wants to claim the moral high ground so he can tell family, friends, police, social services, GP what an out of control, dangerous person you are for your DC to be around and insinuate you have mental health problems.
If you commit anything to writing (email, text), he will save it and use it against you at the first opportunity. Look up grey rock technique, ready for when you leave. For now, do not respond if possible, otherwise be very brief and very polite in all your communications with him.
Contrary to the first poster's advice, I would not leave without my DC. They need you around as the healthy parent for protection.
In time their behaviour will improve after you have left and are able to model kindness, respect and cooperation 24/7. It's hard work frequently correcting them on negative, toxic attitudes (sarcasm, put-downs, mind games, disrespect, controlling behaviour) but they quickly learn when they are no longer stewing in that atmosphere.
You are going through hell. Survival is your priority right now but later you need counselling (probably not the sort available on the NHS - they tend not to 'get' your situation - find someone who specialises in trauma) and the Freedom Programme.

Thanks so much @keepingonrunning. I've looked up Grey rock Technique and will ensure to use this method, he has tried to goad me several times over the last couple of months, but I try to just ignore him as I'm aware of what his agenda is. I just look forward to the time when my babies dont appear scared to hug me or spend time with me, and I can get there little heads right again. Only this morning I woke for work to find them in his bed playing and laughing, it's so hard to see that and see them being totally manipulated, especially when you know you'll be gone for the day working and he'll be at home poisining their minds.
Thank you so much for your comments,x

I still think you need to examine the amount of time you're out and paying for him to be the at home carer. Make gages soon X

*make changes soon. Sorry

I will thanks . Have had a bad night , he's stolen a lot of my jewellery while I was in work , I haven't said it to him as wouldn't give he the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me, and I've spent two hours getting my youngest through a bedtime meltdown which included being scratched and hit, whilst my other half stood there verbally undermining me, I'm so worried I won't be able to get the children to come with me when I need them to leave , he has them brainwashed. 😩😩😩

Longer term to combat the alienation look into getting support from Match mothers charity www.matchmothers.org/ you aren't alone sadly.

Have you phoned Women's Aid yet? 0808 2000 247 staffed round the clock, 7pm-7am are quietest.
I also think you should report what is going on to the police on 101. You and your DC are being abused and are at risk. The new law on coercive control is supposed to protect you.
Ask Women's Aid about a solicitor experienced in domestic abuse and about getting an occupation order. Your STBXH might be the main carer but if he's abusing the DC he should have to move out.
Keep your screens locked, use private browsing and delete your history.
Keep notes of his behaviour with dates and times. You will be believed.

OP I am so sorry.

Have you called Women's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

Cover your tracks on line

You really need professional advice now.

I am sure the kids will be fine when away from him.

Has been violent or abusive to you, or them, aggressive etc?

Please speak to women's aid.

Speak to WA urgently. Could you get an Occupation Order so that he is not allowed at the house?

I really feel for you, having been through something similar myself.

7/8 Years ago after a particularly vicious and extended load of verbal abuse from him the night before, I realised that I couldn't go on any longer that way. He had begun to treat the DC the same way & we were always on eggshells around him. I told him that morning that it was over. He just grinned that sarcastic grin & said"we'll see" I told him I wasn't joking so his next line was "we'll tell the children then shall we?

Yes we shall! He should have got an Oscar, he cried & said that mummy doesn't love me anymore, I don't know what I've done wrong blah blah. The children all reacted very differently, but my DD didn't speak to me for nearly a year. She had no idea what he was putting me through & what I had to do to keep a roof over our heads because he hadn't worked in 8 years. Anyway, he refused to move out of the house, so ended up in my eldest room whilst he was at university. We had that situation for a year (whilst he was going through several girlfriends) and he was just as nasty & obnoxious as he had ever been, then some.

Your husbands behaviour is a typical reaction to having his pride hurt & wanting to lash out - that makes him unpredictable so I hope you can get out with the children really soon. You'll find the inner strength to do it, because without his emotional abuse, you will find clarity.

DO keep a diary of every incident, every snide comment, every threat. Stay strong & don't let him make you angry, as he has probably been advised to do the same. Keep ALL texts & emails between you both & monitor the children's phones in case he's making comments about you to them.

Best of luck to you

I am going through this too and its horrible. He tries to make the kids like him most, sweets, late nights, fun, fun, fun. All the while trying to calculate the next move in destroying me. Doesn't work, you may find it hard to get an occupation order because of this and this kind of abuse is so hard to prove. I have had WA, SS and the courts involved. Unfortunately, even though there's plenty of lip service around the coercive control law, when you are the one being controlled, it feels like lip service is all it is. Op, I think you should get to court as soon as possible to at least get some arrangements in place for the care of the children while you are still forced to live in the same house, alternating weekends or whatever suits you. I am sickened by these men and the fact that there seems to be so many of them around. Its like living in a bad dream and you can't wake up. My best advise to you is to just be the same with your kids as you have always been. Stay consistent and try to keep them in their routine, you may not be popular but they will feel safer for that. You are their parent, he is trying to be their best friend. They can make friends at school. He will trip up eventually. I can't go into my whole situation as it might out me, but this absolute devil that I am still forced to share air with has done and continues to try to do everything he can to isolate me from the children, but I won't let him. Good luck op. Xx

OP I was the kid in exactly this situation. Literally exactly this situation. My advice is do whatever you can to ensure kids live with you or at least majority of custody. My dad poisoned us and I didn't get to see my mum much at all, but of course I had been manipulated into thinking I didnt want to see her, my mum didn't go as hard on contact because she didn't want to distress us any further. But push it, worth it in the long run. As I got older I became closer and closer with my mum, and now as an adult I realise how awful my father was, and how truly wonderful my mum is.

I've been here OP. My DC were 5 & 9. I took them from school one afternoon to a relative's house, told her we were seeking refuge and we stayed there for months until I got my own place.
Ex changed the locks so we couldn't get our things, he emptied the bank and put it overdrawn.
After about 6 months I went one day when he was out, took a locksmith, hired a van, emptied the house just of our things and left the house as it was. My only regrets are that I didn't bring things from the children's rooms, books etc, as I didn't want them to be upset when they went back to stay - I wish I had now. And secondly I was still so worried that he had influence over me that I hoovered where I had taken a sofa (!) and washed the kitchen floor before I left, in case he was cross!! FFS!! Now, looking back I wish I'd left the bath taps running, the heating on full after messing with the timer (it frustrated him) and smashed every pieces of dinner service in the place!

Morning OP hope you're okay.
Have you given any more thought to just leaving? When he's asleep?

Please OP get advise and go.

The kids will understand.

Hi guys,
Had to go quiet sorry. I have sought advice from my solocitor, WA and spoken directly to a member of the police force. I have a plan in place to leave with the children, which I won't go into here at the minute, but I'm getting there. I am petrified beyond belief, but know I need to to it, as he is upping the ante daily now, and I'm starting to feel worn down.
I need to get the children away from him, although they see nothing wrong with his behaviour towards me, as he's fun dad and I'm nasty mammy wanting to leave daddy, who at this stage can cry on cue, ugh!
I'm feeling so much stronger knowing you guys are all here supporting me, and I thank you so much., and I'm sorry you're all going through this hell too,
x

OP, I have also been where you are. The fear is real but your safety & the safety of the children us all that matters. I collected the children from school & nursery and went to.my mum's. I made no contact with him & refused to deal with him at all. He is still trying to alienate the children 7yrs on - the self pity doesn't stop . Just get yourselves away, be safe and get your family back together. Stay strong and keep coming back. There's some wonderful advice here x

This makes me want to cry as stbxh has been doing exactly the same and I cannot wait until the house is sold and we're out of there.
Eldest (8) has his own phone. Not my choice but ex gave him his old one with a contract. I discover his password and ex tells him to change it and not tell me. I find it out again and add my fingerprint to access it. Then discover it's been deleted (ds would have not idea how to do this). I have found messages between them before when things were really bad and now have mysteriously been deleted.
That feeling of being the odd one out and your children pretty much hating you is the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn't wish it on anyone
What was the real turning point for us was me just being consistent. I told him I would not tell him grown up things that are between me and his dad (ie/ finances, divorce proceedings which his dad was) but would tell him anything that had a direct impact on him (moving dates/ new house etc). I also kept repeating that I would never ask him to keep secrets which his dad kept doing.
He asked to speak to the school pastoral lady which really helped. He came home and told me he didn't want to know anything apart from stuff to do with moving and could I ask ex not to tell him either.
I think that was a big shock for ex as it blew their little club of secrets out of the water although he still plays best friends with him which is a bit sickening really. He doesn't need another best friend.. he needs a father with a backbone!
I wouldn't say things are 100% yet but they are definitely getting better and ds will tell me things that ex has told him in secret.
Good luck.. is shocking how much they can find ways to control you because they're not getting their own way

Good luck, OP. You can do this.

Good luck, OP. I'm so happy you have a plan. My ex was like this and I took dd and went to a refuge. I wasn't there long, only 2 weeks, but oh, the sheer relief of being able to cuddle her without him physically removing her from me.

Don't rush into contact, even if the dc's are missing him - take advice from WA/Refuge about how to manage it safely when the time is right.

Thanks guys, @misswhatdoto2, when you said "That feeling of being the odd one out and your children pretty much hating you is the worst feeling in the world " I actually started crying, that's exactly how I feel and it's horrific, at the moment I can't see that ever changing, but I hope it will and they'll be my happy little guys again. It's so hard to understand how some one can put you through some much heartache and pain when you have two children together, :-(

I agree this is absolutely horrific. He actually sounds mentally ill. Get advice and get yourself out of there as quickly as you safely can. Make sure you do it without alerting him in any way. In this day and age it is unbelievable that you should be living like this.

Transfer sentimental items, passports, birth certificates, photos discreetly to a trusted friend's. Also copies of financial documents.