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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally abusive husband alienating my children

140 replies

Anon4004 · 23/06/2017 10:03

Hi,
I'm new to mumnet and its taken a lot of courage for me to post here, but I need help. I told my emotionally abusive husband (who I've been with for over 20 years) 2 months ago that I want to separate as I can't live with him anymore. We have two children under 10 and he is doing his best to poison them against me, manipulate and intimadate them, and it appears to be working. He is making my life hell, refusing to work or give me any money, while I work full time trying to keep it all together and pay for everything.He also takes the children out any chance he gets when I'm home, so even on my 2 days off I don't get to do anything with them as it's more and more difficult to get them to come with me because he stands there looking intimadating when they go to get into my car.
He told me he will destroy me and I'll be left with nothing and also told my children in front of me that I am splitting up the family because I'm not happy but that daddy doesn't want that. He had them sleeping in with him for weeks after I told him I wanted us to separate, calling it the family bed!!(Another way to exclude me) As a result of this their routine is all over the place and their behaviour towards me has deteriorated.
In a nutshell he's alienating my beautiful children from me, and there appears to be nothing I can do about it.
I have enslisted a solicitor, but she tells me theres nothing I can do until we are separated a year(we are in separate rooms nearly 3 months).
I just need to know what other peoples experiences have been, and how they coped/got out.
My mental health and that of my children is suffering , and they have no idea what daddy is actually doing.
Thank you.

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 02/07/2017 13:23

good for you OP
thinking of you Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 02/07/2017 14:48

Great OP keep us updated, if safe to do so.

Thanks
bibliomania · 03/07/2017 10:10

Glad you've got the police on your side - makes all the difference!

Original poster
Anon4004 · 07/07/2017 09:30

Hi all.

Well im in a worse situation now. Think my phone is bugged, so when the police came he knew everything, that I had already spoken with them, what their names were, and proceeded to record them when the spoke to him and told them he would report them to their relevant authorites for giving me background information. I now can't leave the house with the kids on my own as they won't go with me unless daddy comes(their words). I am beyond distraugth, why won't he just let me go. Getting back onto solicitor this morning. It feels like that movie sleeping with the enemy, only worse.x
:-(

OP posts:
bibliomania · 07/07/2017 10:33

Can you ask the police to come and escort you and the dcs out in order to get to a refuge? If you can't make a secret escape, you might need to big exit with police help.

Original poster
Anon4004 · 07/07/2017 10:53

Hi, I tried that, but they couldn't get involved as the children didn't want to leave with me. Solicitor is trying to get a formal access agreement in place to ensure I have time with them alone, but he even had the gall to tell the police that he's not happy to let the kids go with me on their own as I'm going to run. He's there 24/7 as refuses to work, and if he leaves the house they go with him! It's a nightmare.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 07/07/2017 11:40

You poor thing, this is horrendous. It's almost like the children need to be deprogrammed, but they'll need time away from him for this to be happen. As the dcs are under 10, I'm surprised that the police are letting their wishes in the situation have such an influence.

I can't think of any magic solution. Are you still in contact with Women's Aid? Have you any family or friends who might be able to influence the situation?

theansweris42 · 07/07/2017 12:32

Oh OP Flowers
What does WA say?
The DC must be scared and confused.
Did you book the time off work?
I think you need to be there with the DC too rather than just with him.
Does he read your MN posts?

keepingonrunning · 07/07/2017 12:52

Flowers Flowers Flowers
I am worried for your safety.
He is unhinged.
He's a domestic terrorist, holding you all hostage. In any other environment this situation would not be seen as acceptable and allowed to continue.
Don't use wifi at home, put your phone back to factory settings, be aware he may have bugged the whole house - I've heard of that happening. Cameras/microphones are minuscule nowadays.
I bet you are exhausted from hyper vigilance and lack of sleep. Have you seen your GP? I think it's a good idea to get a record of what is happening noted by her/him and on your DC's records too - you never know what developments there may be.
I really hope you are posting here securely - preferably not while at home & always log out afterwards.

keepingonrunning · 07/07/2017 12:58

It's an interesting tactic of his, threatening police officers.
Keep phoning 101 to update.
Contact Rights of Women for free legal advice in addition to your own solicitor's.

nigelsbigface · 07/07/2017 13:08

Could you take them from school to somewhere safe OP? Call and ask to pick them up 15 minutes early as you have an appointment or some such?
Even just to get 15 minutes on your own with them and explain things to them (in an age appropriate way) might help?

bibliomania · 07/07/2017 13:30

Yes, I like nigels idea. Have you talked to the school about this at all? DD's school has been really helpful with difficulties with my ex, although my situation pales in comparison to yours.

NameWithChange · 07/07/2017 13:53

OP. This sounds so unbelievably stressful. I would agreed to talk to school, I had similar circs (but no where near as bad) my children were showing anxiety at school & once I explained a few things that were happening with (now) XH school were very supportive.

I just want you and them away from this man urgently. Please update Women's Aid, they may have an answer for the next stage as they are so experienced in these areas.

Can you buy a cheap new phone? New number etc, just pay as you go so you have a safe line.

Do you have any family you can ask for help?

Can you also speak to your GP? Get some of this abuse on record somewhere.

Don't give up, dig as deep as you can. You have an army of women here right behind and beside you, you can and will get through this. Keep posing and keep strong Flowers

keepingonrunning · 07/07/2017 14:01

Posing and posting I expect Wink

NameWithChange · 07/07/2017 14:26

Haha yes!! Oops! Pose it out and keep posting Wink

Original poster
Anon4004 · 07/07/2017 17:27

Thanks so much guys. I'd say whole house is bugged, although I don't speak there. Moving onto next stage, which I won't mention, in case he's on here. I doubt it, but I've said that several times recently and he has surprised me with his level of nastiness.
Kids are on summer hols, so off school for a bit, so that option is out. I'll post again soon, as I'm finding the support fantastic, thank you all again so much,x

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 07/07/2017 17:45

Ok, so can kids do something with a friend and their kids and you take them from there? I hope you have a plan. Let us know if you need us.

nigelsbigface · 07/07/2017 17:48

Take care op x

theansweris42 · 07/07/2017 19:06

We're here op
I check back every day. Sending strength x

Neverknowing · 07/07/2017 19:17

Wow op this is fucked, I'm so sad for you Sad
Firstly, I want to say how amazingly strong you must have been for getting out of this relationship. You WILL be happier when this is all sorted.
He's an absolute twat and your kids will realise that with time, my MIL had a similar situation but my DP is no contact now and knows his dad is a dick. I have no ideas with how to press forward but hope this is all sorted soon! FlowersFlowersFlowers

Twillow · 07/07/2017 22:25

How did the police respond to his threats? This is awful. Stay strong. You have parental responsibility as well as him. Where does the law stand on this? I agree the school is your next step, unfortunate it's the holidays. And women's aid - are they being proactive for you?

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/07/2017 22:47

You are 100% on the right path with involving the police, whatever you do, do NOT leave without them. His solicitor in court would argue you were happy to leave them there with him. You need police/family present when you take them, they will soon get back to normal with you but I think counselling would help them immensely. You also need to get their passports, I'm not sure if it's a legal requirement that he hands them over once you have left with the children. Failing that report them as missing/lost/stolen so they can't be used!
You can do this OP, you are their mummy, he has no right to do this. This whole thread has made me sick to my stomach and I'm praying you get your babies away from that creature.

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/07/2017 22:47

Also can you not tell work what is going on and get some time off so you can be at home with them? The longer he's alone with them the worse this is going to get.

Italiangreyhound · 07/07/2017 23:20

OP no advice but just to say we are all here for you.

Thanks

XX

Original poster
Anon4004 · 08/07/2017 12:40

Hi guys,
Thanks again, have pushed forward with solicitor, in court next week to try force a formal access agreement, I'm keeping everything crossed that thsi will work. It's great to know you are all here supporting me. I can't always check as devices are comprimised, but I know you're here. Will update soon, thank you all so much,
x

OP posts:
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