I found him out - turns out I was just his bit on the side

[lostandfound12]

I found out today that the man I was seeing was apparently fully in love and in a relationship with his wife.

I had been seeing him for 3 years. He told me he was separated from his wife, and lived in the out building of the house, for the sake of the kids. she was too unstable for me to meet her, they hadnt had sex for 7 years, never kissed, she was looking forward to a fresh start once the kids had finished school; BLAH BLAH BLAH. he saw me every morning, talked from 9pm to 12pm ish every night, spent every lunch with me, weekends. he was always around. i didnt suspect anything untoward until recently.

I'm stupid and I fell for it and I am a fool. Recently i had gone through a phase of questioning his sincerity, and whenever i did, he'd have even more love-filled declarations to make.

as soon as his wife and i knew what was going on, he had 'fallen out of love with me,' and realised how ,much he loved his wife etc etc. he has been utterly callous to me. i don't know what is happening with them - she said she wanted a divorce - but whatever their situation, i dont want to clap eyes on him ever again. but i still feel deeply hurt that he hasn't contacted me, and i still miss him. why do i feel like that? my mind is all over the place because i keep re running things he told me and realising it was all lies.

how can someone do that? i just dont get it. i dont know how this will ever feel better.

You're not the first, you won't be the last, take it as a lesson and move on.

Take it from me, not all of us blokes are complete tossers, despite how depressingly many of us seem to be.

I'm sorry for you but the fact he claimed to be seperated yet still living with his wife would set alarms bells ringing in my head. 3 years is a long time so I understand it must be devastating for you. As pp said take it as lesson learned and move on. He's never going to leave his wife for you so don't wait around for him.

You miss him because unfortunately we cant just turn feelings on and off like a tap. But just keep reminding yourself that every declarationn of love, every lovely weekend, everything was based on lies. The feeling will pass soon.

But yes "seperated but living together for the sake of the kids" is the biggest red flag there is, worth remembering for the future.

Oh and so is "She is unstable/crazy/mentally ill"......

"How can someone do that?" is easy to answer - because he got away with it for 3 years.
Some people do it for the thrill of the secrecy/game, some because they're not getting enough attention/sex at home, some because they're just utter bastards who see women as their playthings - the reasons are endless.

I personally have neither the time nor the inclination to indulge in such ridiculous antics - how hard it must be, what pressure, to keep 2 women from finding out the true situation! Having to be constantly on guard, making sure no word slips - jeez, who has the energy for that? Not me.

But plenty of people seem to.

I can imagine it does hurt to discover that, not only were you his bit on the side but he doesn't even care enough about you to check that you're ok. I would think his wife has placed a total embargo on him contacting you, if he has any hope at all of recovering his marriage, which he's just realised is going to cost him a fuck of a lot to lose.

Do move on though - and learn that many men lie when they want to get together with you, so don't take their word for it when they tell you they are separated. Especially if they come out with the trite bollocks phrases like "she doesn't understand me", "she's cracked", "we haven't had sex for X years", "she has no time for me now we have children" and all the rest.

Oh dear. Are you younger or less experienced? Men prey on women, who will go for bollocks like this. I'm sorry you've wasted three years on this idiot. How sad for everyone concerned.

Really sorry you went through this. You aren't the only one who has fallen for a guy saying this, my friend is currently with an older man who says he has separated from his wife, but still needs to live with her as otherwise she will make the divorce difficult. This is the divorce he hasn't started to get and they have been together for 4/5 years now I think. I have told her many times he is a liar and she will be heart broken one day but she doesn't believe me. I refuse to meet him as well as I know I won't be nice. But I'll be there for her when he breaks her heart, just as your friends will help you through this.

I remember your earlier posts. So sorry he turned out to be an arse. I know it hurts now but you will recover from this and learn valuable lessons from it.

You're going to be all over the place at the moment as you'll be grieving the relationship you were led to believe you had. Of course you'll still miss him. But eventually your anger will take over and your pain will lessen.

He sounds absolutely horrific. Some men really are so selfish and do just see women as play things. At least you've found out the truth now and can start to rebuild your life without him in it.

Be prepared for the grovelling once his wife decides she no longer wants him. He will ramp up the charm and tell you it's you he's chosen. Again it'll be a load of lies though.

How awful for you (and his wife)! He certainly deserves to live in an outbuilding with no one.

Some people (men and women) are callous calculating manipulating horrible people. He fooled you and his wife, so don't ever think you are stupid for not seeing through him, she likely didn't either. And neither will his next girlfriend.

I'd imagine his wife will not let him contact you, probably the rule of allowing him to stay.

It doesn't mean his feelings for you weren't total lies, he obviously just wants best of both worlds! Stay married, keep his family and kids happy, keep his money, and house and also have you and your world.

Treat it like any other break up, allow yourself to grieve the end of this relationship and look after yourself.

And as someone else has said, prepare yourself for when he comes crawling back once his wife kicks him out.

Did you post about this before? Sorry you've been hurt but sadly you fell for the "staying for the kids"/"we don't have sex"/"she doesn't listen or understand me" line which is age old. Do you have to see him at work. If not avoid and certainly do not respond to any contact. He sensed a vulnerability in you, can you take up an activity to build up your self confidence and assertiveness, and also build a different social circle. Perhaps he "loved" you or perhaps he enjoyed the secrecy and attention, but that is irrelevant now so don't waste energy on his motives.

Yeah unfortunately he wheeled out all the usual twaddle but men like that can be quite convincing, expertly manipulative.

It's been 3 years so no wonder you're gutted and it may seem unlikely now but you will get over this. Keep busy and use this as an opportunity to do new things. You deserve someone who will commit to you completely and not mess with your head.

thanks for the replies. i feel such a mix of emotions. i'm glad it is over as i had so many suspicions recently, so it's like a relief to know i wasn't going crazy.

i'm totally distraught that he hasnt contacted me to check how i am - this time last week he was declaring undying love for me. it's such a mind fuck. and then i don't want to hear from him. i just feel so used.

i feel sick thinking of his kids and how maybe i shouldnt have told his wife. his kids will hate me. i'm worried they will even cause damage to my house or something, im scared to go out. (they're 16 and 18)

everything is a mess.

What an arsehole. At least the wife knows so she can choose whether or not to waste any more time on this manipulative liar. You're not responsible for his lies, I think honest people tend to presume everyone is like them so you believed him because you were judging him by your own standards.

All you can do now is learn from it and move on.

You told his wife today (or at least very recently) and you are wondering why he has not contacted you? He will be dealing with the fall-out. Which, with respect to you, is what he should be doing.

i know why he isnt contacting me. i dont even want to hear from him with a view to being close to him. i'm just shaken by the whole thing and that he really very clearly did not give a shit, yet said he loved me etc etc

Lesson to be learned. Don't ever believe everything a man says

Nothing to add, but treat it like a break up. Allow yourself time to grieve. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

I get what you're saying. It's shaken your belief in what you think is reality. Last week he was telling you he loved you and you believed him, it must hurt a lot to find out that he's a liar, a cheat and that everything you thought you believed was a lie. It has shattered your trust to know that he never cared and makes you wonder how you couldn't see through him. It's a mind fuck.

Go easy on yourself. You believed him because good, honest people tell the truth and assume others are the same. You've found out that some men can be as sweet as pie to your face, charm you and make you believe they love you while in reality they are nasty, lying shits. That's on him. Not you.

i just dont get why. what was the fucking point?! i wish so much he had just left me alone. and i keep worrying about his kids coming round and smashing windows or something. i hate him so much, he came across SO sincere.

You're in shock. He fucked with your head and played a mind game with your potential future identity for three years and that's a massive thing to have to face up to suddenly.

Is there any way you can afford a private counsellor right now?

couldnt afford it right now.

i just feel s sad about it all, which i know is unfair as the wife will be suffering more.

im so sad.

On the bright side... It's only been three years wasted on that eejit, don't give him another second.

Why are you worried that his kids will come around and damage your property? Do they have a reputation for that type of behaviour? Because it's very unlikely unless they are the types that are always looking for an excuse to do that.

I'm sorry.

Happened to me many years ago except I had no clue whatsoever my fiancé was already married. And I was pregnant.

If it makes you take heart any I'm now married to dh who's almost perfect and have a lovely ds.

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i suppose because they wont want to blame their dad, and they will feel protective of their mum, and they know where i live... the younger one walks past the house for school. dont think they are bad kids, but it's just a concern, mum apparently is quite volatile (but then that dickhead said all sorts so who knows if that is true)

loopy thats a nice story, thank you. did you live near the wife? i do and it is making it so much worse. i feel so guilty but also cross because i fucking trusted him so it's not even like i did it on purpose