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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I found him out - turns out I was just his bit on the side

83 replies

lostandfound12 · 20/06/2017 22:08

I found out today that the man I was seeing was apparently fully in love and in a relationship with his wife.

I had been seeing him for 3 years. He told me he was separated from his wife, and lived in the out building of the house, for the sake of the kids. she was too unstable for me to meet her, they hadnt had sex for 7 years, never kissed, she was looking forward to a fresh start once the kids had finished school; BLAH BLAH BLAH. he saw me every morning, talked from 9pm to 12pm ish every night, spent every lunch with me, weekends. he was always around. i didnt suspect anything untoward until recently.

I'm stupid and I fell for it and I am a fool. Recently i had gone through a phase of questioning his sincerity, and whenever i did, he'd have even more love-filled declarations to make.

as soon as his wife and i knew what was going on, he had 'fallen out of love with me,' and realised how ,much he loved his wife etc etc. he has been utterly callous to me. i don't know what is happening with them - she said she wanted a divorce - but whatever their situation, i dont want to clap eyes on him ever again. but i still feel deeply hurt that he hasn't contacted me, and i still miss him. why do i feel like that? my mind is all over the place because i keep re running things he told me and realising it was all lies.

how can someone do that? i just dont get it. i dont know how this will ever feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandfound12 · 23/06/2017 07:29

i just keep re playing things he said to me about his life. he would have just kept me there, indefinitely probably.

how can he have been such a nasty person? i wish so much that i had never met him. i want to tell her everything, but im worried she will it is to try and stop her staying with him - its not, i couldnt care less if he syats with her, i want nothing to do with him. but i want her to know becuase now i am feeling so angry. he told her it was a passionate fling... it makes me so angry he could lie further. i dont know if i should contact her. she didnt answer when i asked to call her and i dont want to involve myself in her life where im not wanted.

OP posts:
C0RAL · 23/06/2017 10:13

No, I don't think you should contact her. You want her to hear your side of the story and , with respect, she doesn't have to listen to you.

I know that you are angry because he's saying " it was just sex " and for you it was more. But you need to off load your anger and distress to your friends / family / counsellor. It's not her job to deal with your feelings or hear " the facts " according to you.

Maybe it was just sex for him. Maybe it was far more and he's rewriting history as many cheaters and liars do. But you need to accept that it's over and get the support you need to deal with your own feelings of loss.

And also to help you work out why you ignored so many red flags , so you don't get in a mess like this next time.

Trickycat · 23/06/2017 19:13

I agree, don't contact her. You have to go no contact with her and with him.

How are you managing? Are you eating and drinking? I know this is an uphill struggle but you'll get through it.

Raggybones17 · 23/06/2017 20:25

Time is the best healer. Stay busy and distracted!

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 23/06/2017 23:41

struggling a lot tonight. just want my life to be over, ive lived a lie for so long, whats the point

OP posts:
Trickycat · 23/06/2017 23:49

Please please phone the Samaritans if you are feeling bad.

The point is this is not your life - you have your life ahead of you with much happier times ahead. Think of yourself inching towards happier times every day. I have been where you are, please believe me when I say this will get better.

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 23/06/2017 23:51

i dont see how it will when they live near ish to me. i feel like ive made a mess of everything and feel a total fool. will never trust anyone again

OP posts:
Trickycat · 24/06/2017 00:00

You are not the one who has made a mess of everything! He is the liar. You need to hold your head high here.
His actions show him to be inauthentic and frankly a lowlife. That is not a reflection on you. Being cheated on happens to anyone and everyone - it's not your flaw, it is his.

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 00:01

i should have known. he said he lived in the attic. why the fuck did i believe that. my fault

OP posts:
Angleshades · 24/06/2017 00:05

Op you are not a fool. This is not your fault and you are not to blame. You have fallen for someone who was untrustworthy and who has lied to you.

You're going through a huge life change at the minute and you're going to feel all over the place. You need to give yourself time. Time to grieve and time to heal. It will not happen overnight and over the following weeks you're going to hit some very low points like you are this evening.

Just keep concentrating on getting through each hour, each minute if need be when you're having the bad moments.

Do you have any friends you can contact tomorrow or any family nearby who can lend a listening ear and offer some support?

Trickycat · 24/06/2017 00:06

Not your fault. These men are very charming and believable. They are also expert manipulators.

Can you watch a favourite show or listen to a podcast? Box sets can help distract you.

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 09:22

i just feel so hurt and like he abused me. the lies were so detailed, i just dont know why? i offered to tell the wife it all, but she hasnt asked. makes me even more angry he has probably got a whole new sob story to her

OP posts:
Trickycat · 24/06/2017 09:57

If you read Chumplady's website many people there feel being cheated on is a type of abuse. He deliberately misled you, he is a disordered person.

You might never get the answer to why. In most cases it is because they can. They want cake and lie to get it. Mine did it to make himself feel better about himself and because he had been doing it for years (my conclusion). Pattern of behaviour. He hid his true self and pretended to me that he was someone different.

Please disassociate yourself from the wife and what she thinks. Concentrate on yourself. Have you got family or friends you can talk to? Can you go visit someone for a couple of nights, a change of scenery might do you good.

Try a self helpbook. Some are naff but some might be really helpful to you. And remember this is on him, not you.

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 10:18

i wanted her to know because i felt angry he had told her i knew what was happening, is that weird that i want to tell her the truth? i dont know why ti bothers me so much, i just feel angry that even now he still gets to lie. does that make sense?

i will see a friend tonight. i just feel like he has abused me for the last few years and it is so hard to take in. it wasnt like i didnt question him now and then, i did, but he always had answers. in fact recently i stopped talking to him completely and he chased and chased to tell me he wanted a life with me etc etc etc. just cant believe it.

when will it get better, will it ever get better? i feel sad that two innocent kids will be hurt and also feel upset that they will hate me and not even understand what he did. it is fucked up.

OP posts:
ziggy1986 · 24/06/2017 10:23

It is a power thing (for him) - he wanted to know you wanted him and that's why he chased and chased even when you were questioning him. He is a pathetic little twerp who needs ego boosting and doesn't care who he hurts to get that validation.

Block him across all mediums because my bet is he will turn up again once the dust settles with his wife. Men like this always do.

Block, block, block.

Be kind to yourself. What have you planned for the weekend?

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 10:26

i sent him a pretty firm message the other day saying that i wanted nothing to do with him and that i would just call the police if he turned up ever again. also said he had been abusive to me and that i suggested he sought professional help. i was so angry. he didnt reply though his line has always been 'i cant cope with anger.'

OP posts:
ziggy1986 · 24/06/2017 11:02

I would still block him.
He will leave it a while for you to calm down and be in touch.

Trickycat · 24/06/2017 11:04

'I can't cope with anger' can be translated into 'I don't fancy facing the consequences of my actions.'

It is not weird that you want to tell her the truth. You want her to know you were wronged too. But she might not want to listen. Keep a dignified silence. She'll find you if she wants to talk to you.

HildaOg · 24/06/2017 11:09

The wife doesn't want to know because she's built her life with him, loves him in spite of his indiscretions and doesn't want to mess their lives up. She's entitled to choose to believe his bs.

Now don't start claiming abuse, you are an adult, you knew they were still living together, there were about a hundred red flags that he was blatently lying and you chose to ignore them. Yes he's a compulsive lying little arse but you chose to believe him when all the information proving otherwise was in front of your eyes. He didn't bully, threaten, attack, terrorise or force you into a relationship. He told blatently ridiculous lies that he probably imagined there's no way you could believe but this would justify for both of you the relationship. And you believed him. And chose to be with him.

Take responsibility for your side of it and move on.

MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 24/06/2017 11:13

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Trickycat · 24/06/2017 11:21

This is not the time to criticise someone's belief that what they had was genuine. The OP explained how convincing he was and the time they spent together.

This is a huge learning curve for you OP. It certainly will make you think about red flags and boundaries, it did for me. Would very useful for you to talk things over with a counsellor.

Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 11:43

i get the criticism - looking back i cannot believe i just accepted things he said. but it wasnt as if i did question him, i did, a lot, and his answers were so plausible. he would send photos of his living space. he told me things shed say about looking forward to being able to move out once finances allowed. the list goes on. i trusted him, im an idiot. i believed he loved me and wanted a life with me. and recently when things did add up and i said that's it, i either meet her or we dont talk, i cut contact and he pestered and pestered and begged me to understand. that would have been the perfect time for hi to leave me alone if he didnt actually love me, it would have been an easy way out. yet he still pursued. i hate him so much.

i actually do think his lies were abusive, especially how he would pick apart my suspicion and make me feel badly for losing trust in him. but that's a separate point.

feel as if i will never meet another man ever and feel i can trust in them. it just wont happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandfound12 · 24/06/2017 11:44

*things didn't add up

OP posts:
ziggy1986 · 24/06/2017 11:53

Hildaog - you are harsh.

Have you never wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt because you love them?

HildaOg · 24/06/2017 11:58

I wasn't trying to criticise you. I accept that lies can be abusive in the sense that they break your trust in people but I think sometimes on here people start using the term abuser where that's not the appropriate word. Abusive relationships are on a different level to losing trust due to the lies of a jerk. That's all I was trying to say.