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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I found him out - turns out I was just his bit on the side

83 replies

lostandfound12 · 20/06/2017 22:08

I found out today that the man I was seeing was apparently fully in love and in a relationship with his wife.

I had been seeing him for 3 years. He told me he was separated from his wife, and lived in the out building of the house, for the sake of the kids. she was too unstable for me to meet her, they hadnt had sex for 7 years, never kissed, she was looking forward to a fresh start once the kids had finished school; BLAH BLAH BLAH. he saw me every morning, talked from 9pm to 12pm ish every night, spent every lunch with me, weekends. he was always around. i didnt suspect anything untoward until recently.

I'm stupid and I fell for it and I am a fool. Recently i had gone through a phase of questioning his sincerity, and whenever i did, he'd have even more love-filled declarations to make.

as soon as his wife and i knew what was going on, he had 'fallen out of love with me,' and realised how ,much he loved his wife etc etc. he has been utterly callous to me. i don't know what is happening with them - she said she wanted a divorce - but whatever their situation, i dont want to clap eyes on him ever again. but i still feel deeply hurt that he hasn't contacted me, and i still miss him. why do i feel like that? my mind is all over the place because i keep re running things he told me and realising it was all lies.

how can someone do that? i just dont get it. i dont know how this will ever feel better.

OP posts:

Loopyloppy · 21/06/2017 20:39

I lived fairly near but it was London. I don't think she ever found out about me. He ditched her not long after and fled to another country as people were so horrified at what he'd done.

The very worst thing was that a few of my friends (who were mutual friends) knew and didn't say a fucking word. I didn't know until he disappeared after the abortion he pressured me in to and one of them came clean.

Don't feel angry with yourself, feel angry with him!!

Loopyloppy · 21/06/2017 20:40

I'd rather always be someone that trusts than someone who eats themselves up with suspicion. That's no way to live. Go easy on yourself.

C0RAL · 21/06/2017 20:45

What I don't understand is why the kids will be angry with you when they have been keeping this secret from their mum for years ?

And how did he persuade all his friends , family and colleagues to keep his secret?

Didn't his kids think it odd when he spend Christmas , his birthday and summer holidays with you and not them ? Or did the kids spend Christmas with you and him and not their mum ?

It all sounds so complicated .

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 21/06/2017 21:02

the kids havent been keeping any secret!! we never spent christmas together as he was with his kids and i didnt question it - saw him on xmas eve instead.

OP posts:

Angleshades · 21/06/2017 22:10

Lost go easy on yourself. You are allowed to grieve for what you believed was a loving relationship. It'll take you a while but you will get through this.

He's keeping his head low at the moment as his perfect little world has blown up around him, entirely his doing. So now he'll be in damage limitation mode - telling the wife you were just a fling who meant nothing to him, trying to persuade her she's the one for him...etc. Failing that he'll then start tentatively putting the feelers out for you - texts to see if you're ok, can he see you...etc. He'll want his cosy set up back so if his wife chucks him out he will want to come back to you. Be prepared for tons more lies, he's not told you the truth yet and he's not about to.

He does sound very self centred. It's all about him isn't it? His behaviour demonstrates that he's only got his own best interests at heart. He wants the best of both worlds.

Be kind to yourself. You dont have anything to feel guilty about as you were not aware of his real circumstances. You need to take time to get over the heart break and that's going to be tough going for a while.

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 21/06/2017 22:24

thanks angle.

im not coping well at all to be honest. i feel terribly guilty as i could have not said anything to his wife when i realised the situation. and i did, and now she is distraught.

i hate him so much yet cant believe he didnt love me...is that crazy? i dont mean it in a vain way, but i just cant get my head around it. he was SO sincere. it wasnt even as if we were shagging every day, he was properly, fully, in my life, supportive and loving and there for all the mundane things.

im so messed up. he's told her i was a fling, i told her how it really was. but his kids will hate me and probably wont understand.

OP posts:

C0RAL · 21/06/2017 22:36

I'm sorry I just assumed that you had met his kids and his family / friends / collegues as you had been together three years. So he's had to come up with excuses as to why you couldn't meet them ? Because obviously that would be normal and you must have wondered why he was keeping you completely apart from the rest of his life.

What happened when you went on holiday and away for weekends together ? I'm struggling to see how someone can do all this. No wonder you are shocked.

I understand that you now feel bad about telling his wife but she had the right to know that she wasn't in an exclusive relationship. As did you of course. He has caused the problems, not you.

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 21/06/2017 22:42

no never met his kids as he didnt want to rock the boat for them and bring someone else into the picture until they were a bit older. it was initially the first 18 months which i accepted, and from then on it just became a matter of conflict between us and i became more suspicious. i met his friends, nothing was said. he would always cone to me so as not to interrupt the kids' schedules, and in terms of holidays we just went for weekends away as never had the money for a big trip. i know looking back it was crazy...but he would show me texts etc from the wife which backed up what he said...he was so manipulative.

i just feel still in shock and upset and like a fool. i miss him too which is fucked up because i know how utterly vile he is

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 21/06/2017 22:53

OP, yes it hurts like hell - he took advantage of you.

The only thing I can say is be thankful you are not the wife!! She got the "life sentence"!!!

Onwards and upwards!

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 21/06/2017 22:55

it feels like life sentence as worried about what kids will do

OP posts:

Angleshades · 21/06/2017 23:11

Sometimes we want to believe so much what someone is telling us that we unconsciously turn a blind eye to the blatant truth staring straight at us. There would have been moments going way back where you wondered if he was telling you the truth about 'not wanting to upset the kids schedules'. But because he told you so many wonderful things like how much he loved you... it would have been easier to go along with it. Especially when you're caught up in the first stages of a relationship. You want so much to believe that it's that happy ever after.

I've done exactly the same myself and looking back I absolutely kick myself when I think of all the blatant stuff staring me in the face. Luckily for me it was a short relationship but still really hurt when it finished. I've learned so much from it though. Never will I ignore a red flag again. Even little ones.

bluebell34567 · 21/06/2017 23:17

I don't think the kids will do anything.

if they do you can ring the police, they know that.
teenagers usually busy with their own lives, I don't think they will bother. don't worry, this will pass in time. you will meet someone nice and forget about all this.

C0RAL · 22/06/2017 00:04

It's only natural that you miss him. You miss the person that you thought he was. I assume you thought you had a future together and now you've lost all that hope.

Discovering that he's a lying cheating bastard doesn't make all your feelings for him disappear overnight as many of us know to our cost.

SparklyMagpie · 22/06/2017 06:56

Do thd kids know what you look like and its your house? I really doubt they'll do anything

category12 · 22/06/2017 07:09

The mum is probably "volatile" because she's been fed a pack of lies just like you and the confusion tends to make you upset.

I think you should try to calm down about potential vandalism until something happens. Try to breathe through the anxiety and make sure you keep living life as normal. It's OK to have a duvet day, but you will feel more normal if you push on most of the time.

Trickycat · 22/06/2017 07:22

Op what a horrible shock for you. This will take time so you need to be kind to yourself. Try to keep busy though as it helps pass the time.

I like this quote - The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off. (Gloria Stenin)

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 22/06/2017 07:30

they know where i live as far as i know, but not who i am etc. it just makes me feel so shit as he will still be telling her a pack of lies about how it was some passionate sex thing - it fucking wasnt. it was a resl relationship where we shared everything. it was not just sex.

i hate him so much for this. someone said i need to calm down - i think i do. i am panicking about the kids because undoubtedly they will be on their dads side where i am concerned, and they will hate me.

i wish they would stay together and i could try and forget him. i just cant believe what he has done...i feel so maniupulated and almost groomed. it's such a horrible feeling.

i really hope the wife is glad she knows - i could have said nothing and stopped her pain. apparently he did this also when his older child was 1. utter bastard.

OP posts:

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 22/06/2017 07:54

these supportive messages have helped me find strength, thank you so much

OP posts:

LIZS · 22/06/2017 08:14

You need to be kind to yourself and allow this to pass. What can you do to distract yourself? You are romanticising the relationship you thought you had but that was not real. You may have shared everything but he clearly didn't. I wouldn't worry too much about his dc. Get angry at him, his wife and children are his problem. He will be spinning lies to them just as he did to you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2017 08:47

Lostandfound - so sorry you're hurting so much, it does hurt when you realise that your whole relationship was founded on lies and deceit.

FWIW, I think you did do the right thing to tell the wife. Even though it's caused pain and disruption, it's better for everyone to know the truth, not all these half lies and secrets that have been going on.

I don't think you'll have any bother from the children, if you never met them then why would they know it was YOU?

But yes, you will need to watch out for any backlash from lies he will be telling now - hopefully his wife will realise what a duplicitious shit he is, and not believe him blindly, but who knows.

It WILL get better, it always does - it will hurt for a while, and you will rage and hate for a while, and then you will move on and despise him for the shallow bastard he actually is, instead of mourning the loss of the man you thought he was, who never actually existed.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 22/06/2017 10:05

Even the text messages from the wife could have been him sending them to himself from a five quid mobile though?
I think in your shoes ad given the worries you have I would write her a letter explaining it from your point of view. YOU have not cheated on her so try and get out from under the guilt. If you tell her the truth and what was said and when you saw him and how manipulated you feel it might defuse any anger she has towards you if indeed she has any. Be honest, lay it on the line so she sees her DH as the lying turd and not the pair of you in a conspiracy against her. It might make all the difference in the world and make you feel better too as you have vented your rage and told the truth.

bluebell34567 · 22/06/2017 10:49

did he tell you that the wife is volatile? its probably to scare you of telling her.
don't worry the wife and the kids wont all blame you. I am sure he is under fire.

Original poster

lostandfound12 · 22/06/2017 22:42

how could i have trusted him.

i dont know how i will ever get my head around this

OP posts:

Angleshades · 22/06/2017 23:35

Men like this are master manipulators at getting what they want. He told you everything you wanted to hear to keep you sweet. He wanted his wife and kids at home and he wanted some fun on the side too. No one really wants to be a bit on the side so he has to lie to get things to go his way.

Your head must be spinning at the moment. Your earlier comment about feeling like you've been groomed is pretty much spot on. Youve been totally duped into living a lie. The lengths some people will go to to get what they want is incredible.

Are you taking care of yourself, such as getting enough sleep, eating ok, keeping busy to keep him off your mind a bit? You need to look out for number 1 now which is you. You're at rock bottom at the moment so the only way is up. Things will get better gradually.

Trickycat · 23/06/2017 00:56

Please read Chumplady website. Everyone there is in the same boat. It will help with the feelings.

Please see your GP. My gp had a counselling service I didn't know about. Or they can put you on a waiting list for an nhs service. You have been through a horrible betrayal and it is going to take time to come to terms with it.

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