I found him out - turns out I was just his bit on the side

[lostandfound12]

I found out today that the man I was seeing was apparently fully in love and in a relationship with his wife.

I had been seeing him for 3 years. He told me he was separated from his wife, and lived in the out building of the house, for the sake of the kids. she was too unstable for me to meet her, they hadnt had sex for 7 years, never kissed, she was looking forward to a fresh start once the kids had finished school; BLAH BLAH BLAH. he saw me every morning, talked from 9pm to 12pm ish every night, spent every lunch with me, weekends. he was always around. i didnt suspect anything untoward until recently.

I'm stupid and I fell for it and I am a fool. Recently i had gone through a phase of questioning his sincerity, and whenever i did, he'd have even more love-filled declarations to make.

as soon as his wife and i knew what was going on, he had 'fallen out of love with me,' and realised how ,much he loved his wife etc etc. he has been utterly callous to me. i don't know what is happening with them - she said she wanted a divorce - but whatever their situation, i dont want to clap eyes on him ever again. but i still feel deeply hurt that he hasn't contacted me, and i still miss him. why do i feel like that? my mind is all over the place because i keep re running things he told me and realising it was all lies.

how can someone do that? i just dont get it. i dont know how this will ever feel better.

will this get better. it doesnt feel like it will. i feel so sad. i cant believe he would do this - he spent every morning and evening with me and went back to the house only to see the kids, then he'd be back again. why the fuck would someone do that? if he wanted me, he had me, if he wanted his wife, he had her. why play with both our hearts? i dont get what he wanted to achieve. how would that ever have ended well? he must have known that.

Yes, it will get better.

What are your plans this weekend - can you call a friend for some real life support?

I have to say i agree with HildaOg

It'll take time OP but you will move on from this

Leave them both to it, his wife will realise one day

i need to get a grip. just feel so aggrieved that after everything he dared to say that it was some horrible fling. he told me he wanted to live with me and asked me to wait until the kid finished school. he literally just lied and lied to get what he wanted from me. been a big lesson.

He lied because he wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted his wife and kids living with him in his house and he wanted a mistress too. The double life gave him an ego boost and thrilled him. He loved his set up with both of you and that's why he lied to keep it going. It's completely selfish behaviour on his part and he thought he'd never get found out if he played the game well enough.

He really has shown you who he is now and it's not a nice person. He puts himself above everyone else. Stick to no contact. You'll never ever get the truth out of this man so you'll never have closure. It's time to walk away and never look back. Start piecing yourself back together and start over afresh. Time for a new life concentrating on yourself.

everytime i feel sick with missing him, im hit with the realisation that he lied, in so many ways and so often. it stops the upset and then im hit with anger.

my life hasnt been real for so long, it is hard finding a reality.

you are right though. he did it because it was good for him, and all that matters to him, is him. i need to accept that.

You won't get over this overnight. And you won't accept it straight away either. Your mind will keep replaying everything for now until gradually your brain begins to accept the situation. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. You've had a nasty shock and it will take time to recover.

lost - it might be a bit soon to suggest this, but it might be an idea to get some counselling to help you deal with all of this shit.
I was fairly briefly with someone who lied persistently, manipulated and was an emotional abuser - I gave him so much benefit of the doubt, could always manage to find a reasonable reason why he did what he did, instead of the Occam's razor version (the most obvious). Luckily for me he left me and moved on to pastures new. But I still needed counselling to come to terms with why I had behaved the way I did in response to his behaviour.
It did help.