Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men in the military

117 replies

Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 00:29

Specifically the navy. Which has a certain reputation for laddish behaviour.
Does anyone know to what extent the officers join in with that behaviour (drunk, playing away etc). Probably not mixing with the lower ranks, so as to set a good example (I imagine) . But has anyone any knowledge about the typical extent of this, either first or second hand? Obviously I won't get the full story straight from the horse's mouth.

OP posts:
Peach9876 · 20/06/2017 00:39

My dad was in the navy, albeit quite a few years ago, to read between the lines he had a pretty good time. I doubt much has changed with it.

At the end of the day some men are faithful no matter what, some aren't no matter what... Just the same with women. If he's going to get up to no good he'll do that wherever he is.

CookieMonster54 · 20/06/2017 01:00

What peach said. If your fella is a cheat it's not because he's a sailor. It's because he's a cheat. There are male strippers who are totally faithful to their partners, and there are vicars who are serial adulterers. It's the man (or woman), not the job.

Original poster
Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 01:49

I take your point, but with the job comes more easy opportunity for it than with most other jobs where you would come home at the end of the day.
You're away from home, bored and horny, often in places where it is freely (and obviously) available, so motive, opportunity and almost no chance whatsoever of getting caught. So yes, some wouldn't cheat, but I do think with it being so easy under those circumstances a lot would, who wouldn't be putting the effort in to make it happen otherwise.

OP posts:
CookieMonster54 · 20/06/2017 02:04

Is there a specific reason you're asking? I mean it doesn't take a genius to suspect that you're dating/married to someone in the navy?

I spend a lot of time travelling away from my DW. It is true that there are temptations (more for me than if I was in the Navy - they spend a lot of time at sea), but ultimately, it's up to all of us to decide to be good or bad people. Just being exposed to temptation doesn't make you a cheat.

What has made you suspicious?

Broken11Girl · 20/06/2017 02:10

I worked for the MOD...The stories I heard...and um yes officers were just as bad.
Not an excuse for cheating though.

Barbaro · 20/06/2017 06:37

Its not the navy but i know someone who is in the TA and has slept with pretty much every man in the base, including the officers who are nearly all married. Everyone sleeps with each other there and they do the same with other bases when they meet up. Can't see it being overly different in the navy/RAF.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 20/06/2017 06:44

I used to be in the army. Being unfaithful was the norm rather than the exception. As previous poster said though some will be regularly unfaithful and some never will be no matter what the opportunity. I remember there would be lots of relationship drama and issues after long tours away. Some would have full relationships with other women they'd met and it would often come out on arrival home.

OlafLovesAnna · 20/06/2017 06:55

DH has been an officer for 16 years, I go to lots of social things with whoever he's working with at the time as do lots of other wives.

Of all the service marriages we know a few have broken up because of general incompatiblity or non service type reasons. I know of 3 officers who have had an affair with another officer (the 3 I know were 1 male and 2 female). I guess there's plenty of opportunities as they go out and have a lots of fun when they get downtime away but I think that as with anything if you trust your partner then you know that they'll have a great night out with mates but stagger back to their cabins alone. By the same token he trusts that if I go out with a bunch of fellow nurses I'm just going to have a drink with mates.

I believe it's frowned upon when you're actually on the ship but to be honest I've never worried about it so I've never asked.

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/06/2017 07:11

DH is military, adultery is rife! We don't live in quarters any more but when we did, the amount of drama was ridiculous!

BarchesterFlowers · 20/06/2017 07:20

I am married to someone who did nearly 30 years as an officer.

I know lots of military folk, I don't know any that have gone down the route you seem to think is an automatic one. The thought that DH might shag someone while away working isn't one I ever gave head space to, it is about respect.

Far more shagging around in corporate London in my experience.

You sound slightly insecure.

Original poster
Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 07:28

Yeah barchester, as he tried it before, and is trying to tell me that I shouldn't worry because although many of the single youngsters do that kind of thing, officers rarely do. Well, that's not the consensus so far, is it?

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 20/06/2017 07:30

I'm about to marry a sailor. Senior rate rather than officer and yes, I'm aware infedelity is rife. However, I was in the police where the issues are the same and managed not to stray.

Is he's a cheater, he'll cheat. If not, he'll be faithful.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 20/06/2017 07:30

And yes, officers do get very drunk and do silly things too, just not in front of the ratings.

BarchesterFlowers · 20/06/2017 07:31

Tried it before you say - this is about him not his chosen occupation and your experience/lack of trust.

Consensus so far - easily swung - if I asked all of our close friends to post it would swing the other way.

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/06/2017 07:37

According to DH, in the RAF often the officers are worse than the junior ranks!

Original poster
Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 07:57

That's possible barchester. Your dh is of a different generation than the current serving ppl though. Maybe that's partly influenced your (and your friends) experience.

OP posts:
BarchesterFlowers · 20/06/2017 08:04

I don't think that has much to do with it Now, he is 51. I met him in his 30s - we were young once and he was a young officer once.

Seriously, it boils down to respect (and for me massive amounts of self respect). DH is not perfect by any means (neither am I) but I do know that he wouldn't cheat no matter how long he was away for (longest a 10 month stretch at a time).

Maturity could come into it I guess, together with a readiness and or willingness to commit. Opportunities to cheat present themselves throughout life no matter what you do for a living.

NapoleonsNose · 20/06/2017 08:10

DH served 10 years in the Marines. Most of that time he was in a different relationship and I know for a fact he cheated on her (not with me btw). When we got together, for his final 3 years, he was faithful. Cheating is awful, but I think his previous relationship was crap and I think he saw the opportunity to play away.

Cheating can happen in any job. I certainly don't think it's exclusive to the military. However I guess that those who are inclined to cheat are less likely to be found out if the are spending extended time away from home and may not get found out.

Original poster
Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 08:15

You have to admit to more opportunities being presented in this kind of job though. I agree with the respect aspect, but if I'm relying on someone's word not to repeat a 'mistake', I would hope that they weren't trying to gaslight me by misrepresenting the situation. Some ppl are more easily led than others while drunk/away, so if surrounded by that kind of behaviour it's a bit concerning. I know you'll say he'd do it wherever he was if that's the case. But there's a big difference between being away from the reality of family and being surrounded by cheaters, and coming home every night.

OP posts:
mrstomriddle · 20/06/2017 08:16

My husband is in the army and when he goes away, he's on exercise with 100 other blokes, all sharing a dorm or a field. I know he's been faithful to me because he respects me and our marriage.

I find it quite offensive that you think because he's military, he'll cheat. I know lots and lots of married military couples and I don't see any cheating. But it goes on in all aspects of life.

A man getting drunk with colleagues doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you

JustArandomUser · 20/06/2017 08:17

I work with a large number of Navy officers.

Adultery is RIFE.

MGFM · 20/06/2017 08:20

I am an officer and my husband is is senior rate. I have never cheated although have had the opportunity. Officers are just as bad as ratings. Although I know plenty of serving navy who don't cheat. My husband has served on Ship's where he said no one in the senior rates mess strayed during deployments and he has had friends cheating on their last stop before home! I also know sailors who have cheated on the first stop after sailing! We are talking 3/4days after leaving family. I know officers who have shagged ratings. Married and single. Officers shagging each other married and single. I know my husband and he type of man he is. I know he would never cheat. But I guess partners of the cheaters feel that way aswell.

TheNaze73 · 20/06/2017 08:20

A cheat will cheat, whatever the circumstances.

Never been in the military however, as barchester said, working in the city it's rife, if you want it. One of my best friends is City of London police & says it's the same there.

ItsTimeForDuggee · 20/06/2017 08:22

Cheating in the navy is across all ranks not just junior rates! Also some officers do mix with lower ranks and cheat with people of lower rank. Many people in the navy manage to stay faithfully and not cheat.

Original poster
Nowaynowjose · 20/06/2017 08:22

I find it quite offensive that you think because he's military, he'll cheat.
You obviously haven't read my posts fully.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread