Nasty argument with DH, feeling broken. Possible TMI.

[thezookeeper]

This might be TMI so please excuse me if I give too much detail, but I don't have anyone to talk to IRL.

On Friday DH were fooling around and he suddenly said to me to go have a bath first and then put his fingers to my nose to prove his point. I was very embarrassed, the look on his face was pure disgust. I washed up and came back but by now I felt utterly deflated and humiliated. I wasn't in the mood anymore. He could see this and pulled a strand of my hair (I'm guessing to lighten the mood and carry on) and then suggested I went down on him. I declined and raised my voice about the hair pulling. DH then flew into a rage about me ruining the morning. After leaving the shower and before going to work he was still ranting and raving about how this was a terrible way to start the day. Then it moved on to the real reason he was so pissed off - that we hadn't had sex now for 2 days. He proceeded to tell me that he was sick and tired of always being horny and that if I didn't satisfy him then he would find others who would and ' just wait and see, I'll show you'.

We have argued regularly about sex and that we don't do it enough. I would say we do it minimum of 4-5 times a week. He often rages about cheating, he has once or twice tried to convince me to have an open relationship to take the pressure off me.

I feel like this time something inside me has broken. I think the humiliation and the way he told me I had a 'problem' has pushed me over the edge. I feel like he could have been more sensitive in how he told me to wash. My self confidence has hit rock bottom and I feel disgusted with myself. I have always been paranoid about how I smell down there but obviously I must have neglected myself recently.

Today we had a heated discussion and he was explaining how hard it is for him to watch women walking in their summer clothes and smelling nice while I say no to him.

In order not to drip feed, I am seriously ill awaiting a procedure that might give me a few more years. The doctors have given me 5yrs maximum as I am right now. There is no guarantee that I will get the procedure in time to help me. I don't always want to have sex, but I do it to try and be fair to him. We have 8yr old DS.

I would appreciate some independent opinions about who is in the wrong and whether I should try to make things up to keep the peace. Right now I feel like I don't want to be anywhere near him.

My dear, if you have supportive family talk to them, not to an abusive man. You'll get nothing positive from him, just more blame and abuse. Reach out to your family and ask for their help.

They may be aware of more than you know, even though they've said nothing. They may just be waiting for your call. We who have been in abusive relationships think we've 'covered our tracks' and that no one knows our secrets. But trust me, no one can hide misery that well. They may not know the specifics, but I'm sure they've picked up on your unhappiness. When I split from my abusive ex the majority of my friends breathed a sigh of relief and told me they'd been waiting for me to 'see the light'. So reach out, there will be someone there for you.

Hi zookeeper, it sounds like this has been a lot to get your head around, I don't think it's your take on the situation that is wrong, I think it's just been a shock to hear it. I think the reaction you're having is entirely natural to the news you've been given and your brain trying to protect you.

If you don't mind me sharing my story, I've had the same response to you but with different circumstances. I referred for NHS counselling for anxiety last year, I talked about some things that had happened when dad was drunk, that I'd written off as not brilliant boundaries, counsellor basically intimated it was abuse (checked safeguarding around my children being alone with him). Had to change counsellor as 1st one went off sick, 2nd counsellor said straight out it was abuse and broke it down as to why. For various reason I'm now seeing a private counsellor and I said to her, that it's been over a year since this was first raised, but my mind is still going, 'abuse, really, me, abused? No, that can't be real, I had a normal upbringing.' Then sometimes it hits that what happened is classed as sexual abuse (safeguarding training where I work) then it's more 'well if that's sexual abuse, and that's my dad, then that's incest, so that can't be right, I must have got it wrong, misremembered, exaggerated' although a part of me knows I haven't. My current counsellor has said not to push it, there is no rush to accept anything, that there is a reason why I can't accept what I've been told, it's my mind protecting me.

Sorry, that was a bit long, the point I'm trying to make, is you didn't think anything was that wrong with what you were describing, you just said out straight what was happening, factual. The fact that now you think you got it wrong, or your view is wrong, is probably because it hurts too much to accept what people are saying about the relationship you are in, not because your description of it was wrong.

Wishing you strength and peace, whilst you sort this out in your head.

I don't know if you can still do this but years ago I went to a walk in Samaritans clinic and got everything off my chest. It really helps to clarify your thinking. Opening up as you have done here, was a brave step that will move you forward. Actually telling someone face to face what you are feeling and thinking, whoever that is, will give you more insight to do what you think is best. It sounds like an incredibly difficult time for you, the stakes are so high. I really hope you can find peace and happiness, you deserve it.

Good lord, 4 to 5 times a week is plenty sex.

Your husband has a very high sex drive and considering you are so ill, I can't see any care or love from him.

His comments would be a complete turn off for me. So me might as well seek a relationship elsewhere, because he and I would be done.

I'd also ensure he didn't get a penny of my life insurance.

How utterly selfish he is. Has he always been this way?

Do you enjoy having sex that often?
I don't know any parents who do it 4/5 times a month....
You say he's apologised for being insensitive, but he wasn't insensitive he was abusive
Show him this tread
Does he ever hurt you physically?
Wishing you all the very best

Please don't show him this thread!

Abusive men do not change their ways because random people on the interweb have pointed out what pigs they are.

Talk to your family, Everyone deserves better than this, especially ones in your situation.

I cant tell from your posts if your DH is really abusive or not.
But I do know that if a family member with a life limiting condition told me the same tale I would be making plans for them to stay with me. You have to decide what the rest of your time on earth is to be like for you and your son. If you know that your DH will listen when you say that this is not normal behaviour and will change to give you some peace and stability from now on then have that conversation as soon as you can.
If this will not be possible given his personality then you may well have to look at leaving . Only you can decide.

He humiliated you bcs he hasn't had sex for TWO DAYS?? You have sex 4-5 times a WEEK??

Maybe some long term couples have sex 4-5 times a week, but I bet there are very, very few who are both up for that. He threatens to get sex somewhere else unless you see to his needs?? Has tried to get you to agree to an open relationship "to take the pressure off you"??

He is abusing you. It's hard to face, especially as you are so ill - and your boy is caught in the fear trap your revolting husband engenders. Contact Women's Aid - they will support you practically, emotionally (and legally). They are the experts and they are kind, they won't pressure you.

WA will suggest you do the Freedom Programme. Google the Freedom Programme, click on 'find a course' to find a course near you. Do go at your very earliest convenience. It's a wonderful course and will really help you to see clearly.

Your story is very upsetting op. I doubt very much you smelt bad - it was just a way to humiliate you

Oh my op. what a nasty, evil man. In every way. I hope you leave him and that you get many more years.

What a cunt

I seriously doubt there was anything actually wrong with your hygiene. Or if there is maybe it's all the sex he's insisting you have.

Cynical me thinks this could be part of emotional abuse and sexual coersion. Making you feel disgusting so he can grind you down and get away with cheating.

You need to get away ASAP. It will only get worse.

Don't waste any more of your very precious time with someone so revolting please OP!

He is nasty.
My dh has a chronic health problem (CFS) and we have sex once every couple of months. Ideally I'd like more but he just can't as he is ill and that's just life.
Your dh is a selfish pig who doesn't seem to have any consideration for you at all. I would look at leaving him...

What an absolutely horrendous bastard.

In your situation, he should be looking after you, treasuring you. He clearly doesn't give a shit about the memories he's making for his son, so get the hell away from him and make your own.

My mum died when I was little. I always remember being heartbroken each time he, or we, left. But now I wish to god she'd never even married him, because my memories of childhood are miserable anyway.

I think this is my first, maybe second, LTB.

Take care, OP. You deserve so much better, please see that

I can't believe what I'm reading. What an absolute abhorrent individual.

Please don't waste another minute of your precious time with this, this....I don't have words strong enough.

Go and make wonderful memories with and for your DS.

xx

I agree with others, but also PP who said don't bother talking this through with him, he will turn it back on you and batter you down again. You need to gather your strength and resolve , talk to someone in real life (family, women's aid) and get your ducks in line. Have your plan to leave firmly and practically in place before you let him have his speak.
Although in the meantime I would tell him to crack on with finding a fuck buddy because you're done.
You deserve more than this abusive prick. For the sake of making happy memories with your son please seek practical advice on how to get out of this.
Also remember he is in the wrong, not you. Take strength from all the posters on here who are behind you, backing you, thinking of you.

I am sure your ds would rather have you around for longer and happy. I am definitely in the LTB camp. My dd is 8 and at 8 children can only see and understand what they know so it's totally normal divorce seems very scary.. on top of dealing with your prognosis. Right now my dd wants to be a ballet dancer because that's what she knows iyswim.

There is a terribly sad thread on here by a man who has discovered his wife his dying the way he talks about her and their son of a similar age to yours and the memories they are making is how it should be. It is like day to your night, it is so different.

I bet you didn't smell at all. He is just a twisted bully praying on your fears to humiliate you and help him get what he wants in the long-term.

Please make arrangements to leave. Give yourself chance to enjoy a bit of life whilst you still can. Then you can breathe.

How are you doing today thezookeeper?

My love, I agree with absolutely everything written by PP,s.....just wanted to add that if he is like this now, how in earth will he be when your health starts to deteriorate in the ( hopefully very distant) future?? Can you honestly trust him to care about your emotional and physical health when you reach the twilight of your life??? I ask this because I lost my first ( wonderful) DH to cancer ....it was 2 years start to finish and for a hell of a lot of that time it was the fact that we had massive love, respect and friendship that saw us through....for the most part sex was as far away as the moon!!!! I'm not saying any of this to bring you " down" or to overthink the future , I'm just laying my cards on the table and asking you to really really think about whether he will be able to love and care for you as you will need when the time comes.....I'm guessing not.....take care x

I agree with everyone else. He sounds utterly revolting. I also agree with everyone else that you should leave him. Have your five years, free of this nasty, rude, bully. That way, he is free to go elsewhere and find all this sex that he says he wants, isn't he?

How can we help? How do you feel about leaving him?

OP, I've been thinking of you, and praying for your strength, if you can't leave him for you, then please, leave him for the sake of your Son.
He still very much needs his DM. 🌺
You can do this.⭐️

I can not believe the absolute cheek of this "man" ! my god, it beggars belief that he can be such a scum bag.

Op, I really hope you find it in you to get rid of this dead weight around your neck. Your life would be so much better without him in it and your son would be able to meet the new you, his real mum. A happy confident woman that didn't allow such a woman hating monster to totally mold him into his same image.

OP I say LTB (or variations of) quite a lot on here, because unfortunately a lot of Mnetters seem to be living with abusive cunts. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I absolutely believe that the only acceptable level of abuse is zero.
Having said that, this is genuinely one of the vilest things I've ever read on here. I'm sickened by your DH's behaviour. Please, please leave. You only have a short time left and you shouldn't spend it being miserable

four or five times a week? And then he is abusive when turned down. All just wrong wrong wrong!!