He's fell out with me because "he can't even have a shit in peace"

[coffeecoffeemorecoffee]

After he gave me a massive lecture yesterday about how we've argued everyday this week and it's all my fault he's now got the arse with me and I know it will be all my fault but I really don't think it is!

I was in the lounge with 3yo and 10 month old. He was in the downstairs toilet. 3yo needs the loo for a number 2 (needs help wiping) so because the baby is trying to climb everything ATM I didn't want to go upstairs and leave the baby alone in the lounge so I told him 3yo needs a poo! Next thing he can't ever "go for a fucking shit in peace" l leaves his shit floating in the down stairs loo and starts saying something as he goes upstairs. I didn't hear him to went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what he said, he point blank ignored me and went into the bathroom. So I went up and asked why he thinks it's ok to ignore me completely when I had clearly spoken to him. I tried to explain why I needed him to move upstairs but he's now got the arse with me. I know it will be my fault.

We've been through a tough time lately, split up recently then got back together because I didn't know how to move forward. Us getting back was all on his terms and now everything I do is wrong. Or so it feels. I KNOW I will be in the wrong for this but I really don't see what I've done wrong.

To be honest I would have put the 10 month old on my hip and gone upstairs with the 3 year old. What would you do if he wasn't there ?

If he wasn't there I could have supervised from the downstairs toilet while I quickly helped my 3yo

I think you were in the wrong here.

He was out of order IMO.
I don't think I've done a poo in peace at home for years! It's part of the territory when you become a parent!

The way he spoke to you was not at all nice either IMO, I'm not surw why other posters are ignoring it.

I also would have just taken baby with me if partner was mid shit. If I was the one mid shit in this scenario, I would be frustrated too when there's such a clear easy option that doesn't involve me switching loos halfway through.

You asked him to move half way through a toilet trip?!!

You're the one BU here. Massively so.

I would have thought it usual for a mobile baby to have a safe space to be put into for when you need to do something else. A bouncy chair, a play pan.

If not you should have taken the baby and toddler upstairs and put baby in its cot. Or in to the bathroom with you with the door shut.

Asking someone to move mid shit is really horrible.

I didn't want to go upstairs and leave the baby alone in the lounge

So I went up and asked why ...

So you can't go upstairs for the toilet but you can go upstairs to give DP a telling-off?

Theres 2 thinga hear.
A) hes not happy in the relationship and is gaslighting you. If so he needs to be a big boy and tell you. Also he needs to get over the no poo in peace malarkey. You have kids it doesn't happen.
B) your feeling a tad needy and emotionally dependant and so because you feel like hes pulling away your getting a bit needy and getting in his space more. Which will in turn make him pull away more and so on.
I do think he shouldnt of gone of in a huff but then i also think you could of just taken both kids upstairs.
Id back away a bit if i were you give him some space sort your self out be independent enjoy life etc. Then see if he falls into that dynamic rather than bend for him.

If he was actually in there reading the paper or something then YANBU but what exactly was he supposed to do? obviously he shouldn't have bitten your head off - I think you were both U.
Maybe you moreso, for having made him hurry up it sounds as though you then went upstairs anyway to argue the toss.

You've created the whole problem & all of the subsequent drama

Well pooing in peace ends as soon as you become a parent doesn't it?

You were out of order, he was evicted from sitting on the throne. I guess he went upstairs to finish up and you still followed him up there too. I would have been pissy under those circumstances too.

Don't you have anywhere to put your 10 month old while you deal with all the requirements of a 3 year old? I have a travel cot that is used as a playpen in the lounge for these situations and wouldn't cope without it (it's sometimes the only way I can go to the loo).

It's worrying that you think your reconcilliation is only on his terms though. Why did you agree to that?

Why couldn't you just take your 10mo upstairs with you? I have no downstairs bathroom, and I have to do with with my 3yo who also needs wiping every day.

1. asking him to move mid shit was weird.
2. his grumpy fault picking is a reflection of how he feels.

When we get to the stage that we are irritated by each other so much, we need help to unpick it a bit and start again.
Any chance of couples counselling?

Please don't just continue though with him saying everything is your fault, that isn't a basis for a happy marriage.

I don't think I've done a poo in peace at home for years! It's part of the territory when you become a parent!

That is so fucking martyrdom central.

There is no reason why an adult can't have a wee or poo in peace. Your children do not need you every second of the day.

OP I think it is quite unreasonable to ask someone to vacate the toilet mid shit when you have another one working in the house.

You say you argue everyday, so this isn't over a toilet.

What do you argue over, keep a mental list and try to see why and how it can be changed, as it sounds like you both have issues.

Flip it round, would you be happy to be told to move toilets because DH couldn't possibly take the 10mo upstairs with him?

I'd be fuming.

Being disturbed by DC when on the loo is one thing. Being asked by an adult to finish off elsewhere is shocking. And totally unnecessary.

We've been through a tough time lately, split up recently then got back together

Aka 'flogging a dead horse'.

I can't really wipe my 3yo properly while holding a wriggling baby.

Baby has a walker but only in the last few days has been tying to get out so I won't leave her in that so at this present moment I don't have a quick safe place to put her. It didn't occur to me to go upstairs with the baby aswell.

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked him to mov upstairs, I can accept responsibility for that but ignoring me completely and getting the arse because he can't have a shit in peace isn't fair. As some of u have said, you give up your right to a peaceful shit as soon as kids come along.

It's all on his terms because apparently it's all me.

Getting back together under his terms was a mistake.

Did he leave you and then agree to come back with a list of demands?

Sounds like this is developing into a "Do what I say, I will do what I want and if you complain then I will leave again......you dont want me to leave again do you?" situation.

Another one asking why you didn't take the baby up with the 3 year old. You asked your partner to get out of the loo...mid crap...so you could go in there with your 3 year old?? I'd be pissed off too if I were your partner!

You put the baby down on a towel whilst you wipe the 3 year old OP...that's all.

When was the last time you got to have a shit in peace, OP? He sounds like a child himself

You give up your right to a peaceful shit as soon as kids come along.

I'm sorry but you don't! Especially when you have another adult in the house caring for the children. Being interrupted by kids is one thing, being told to evacuate by an adult is another.

He's annoyed and maybe the best way to deal with that isn't ignoring you, but tbh I'd ignore my DH if he stomped after me wanting a row because I'm pissed off at something HE did.