He's fell out with me because "he can't even have a shit in peace"

[coffeecoffeemorecoffee]

After he gave me a massive lecture yesterday about how we've argued everyday this week and it's all my fault he's now got the arse with me and I know it will be all my fault but I really don't think it is!

I was in the lounge with 3yo and 10 month old. He was in the downstairs toilet. 3yo needs the loo for a number 2 (needs help wiping) so because the baby is trying to climb everything ATM I didn't want to go upstairs and leave the baby alone in the lounge so I told him 3yo needs a poo! Next thing he can't ever "go for a fucking shit in peace" l leaves his shit floating in the down stairs loo and starts saying something as he goes upstairs. I didn't hear him to went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what he said, he point blank ignored me and went into the bathroom. So I went up and asked why he thinks it's ok to ignore me completely when I had clearly spoken to him. I tried to explain why I needed him to move upstairs but he's now got the arse with me. I know it will be my fault.

We've been through a tough time lately, split up recently then got back together because I didn't know how to move forward. Us getting back was all on his terms and now everything I do is wrong. Or so it feels. I KNOW I will be in the wrong for this but I really don't see what I've done wrong.

Well this is the thing. I feel like I do everything as it is, so when he disappears to the toilet to look at pointless crap on his phone for half hour at a time it annoys me. So perhaps part of me couldn't give a shit if he has to move. The alternative is me juggling two kids in a small bathroom while I try to wipe one of them.

your autobiography can be called 'it's not about the shit'

Seriously though, put baby in cot and help 3 year old.

But as I say, it's not really about that.

ignoring me completely and getting the arse because he can't have a shit in peace isn't fair.

Actually, yes he's reaction was entirely fair. Ignoring you was betting than losing his rag. Apparently you had a 3yo desperate for a poo but instead you followed him upstairs to try and pick a fight.

As an isolated incidence, I can't see any fault on his part TBH.

Cantseethewoods

You're right, it's not about the shit. I'm fed up of feeling inadequate and like all I do is wrong

It's all on his terms because you agreed to that -big mistake.

I get that this is way deeper than this one thing you've posted about

But staying with this one thing for the moment...you really are making a meal out of simply sticking the baby on a towel for a few seconds, while you wipe your child's bum.

There is no 'juggling' to be done.

I think you've just said it all here

"Well this is the thing. I feel like I do everything as it is, so when he disappears to the toilet to look at pointless crap on his phone for half hour at a time it annoys me."

I didn't say 3yo was desperate. She said she needed a poo, I didn't demand he vacate immediately, I told him she needed the toilet

You could have popped the baby in the empty bath. But at three I would be talking my child through wiping their bottom not actually doing it anyway. DC4 was not good at bottom wiping. We had a long period of talking it through: "So is the paper clean? No then get a fresh bit and wipe again. Is it clean now?...."

You give up your right to a peaceful shit as soon as kids come along.
Don't be ridiculous!!
Surprisingly I managed to have a children the same age as the OP, only an upstairs toilet and a DH that was often away but I managed to have a poo by myself and also supervise toilet training for the toddler.
I never would have dreamed of kicking DH of the loo!

There is always drama on mumsnet!

Sorry but you were being kinda rude. It's no big thing to carry a baby upstairs and plonk her on a bedroom floor.

I'm sorry but if I live in a house with two toilets I'm finishing my poo unless someone is having a heart attack outside.

Tinkly - please don't patronise me or tell me when my child should or should not be wiping herself. I don't need a word for word account of how to do it either thanks.

FYI - we are at the stage of me teaching her how to do it. Hence the need for me to have more than 5 seconds to help her.

But basically, you feel he opts out. He feels harassed. That's what you need to talk about if you want it to work.

It really isn't about this, is it. It just highlights how unequal you feel in the relationship and that his right to hide in the loo trumps (pun intended) your need for help. I think this getting back together sounds doomed. I'm sorry, as you sound pretty stressed.

I wasn't trying to patronise you OP, just gently suggesting the bottom could have been wiped without any baby juggling. Because you seem a bit overwhelmed dealing with two kids and maybe some strategies could be useful to you.

It sounds like because you are generally unhappy in your marriage at the moment, you were purposely antagonistic in this situation.

Your DD wasn't desperate for the toilet but yet you still went over to your DH to make a point and to annoy him, whereas you could have just waited until he finished.

You also said you couldn't go upstairs with two children yet you were able to later on to tell him off.

I think you need to address your bigger issues with your relationship.

Don't poo in the downstairs loo. That's the rule here... (small children excepted)

Don't poo in the downstairs loo. That's the rule here... (small children excepted

Exactly - follow the house rules and all will be well.

You are completely in the wrong for what you did and I would have gone off and ignored you too.

Saying you cant even have a shit in peace and being stressed, when disturbed trying to actually have a shit, Is fair enough.

Why would you be trying to hold a wriggling baby whilst wiping the toddlers bum? You put the baby in the cot, same as you would if you were home alone.

I would be very pissed off at having to move mid shit, especially when there's another working toilet

We have quite complex poo rules in our house.

No poos downstairs during the day. No poos in the kids bathroom immediately before bath time. No poos in our ensuite for an hour before our bedtime. No poos downstairs in the evening either unless the kitchen has been finished with.

These rules only apply to DH mind you. Everyone else can go wherever and whenever they like.

Some of us don't even have a downstairs loo

Just the 1 loo upstairs

Easy solution next time, plonk wriggly baby in with shitting dad and go and look after elder sibling. See if he likes that. Why does he get to hide in the loo for half an hour?

Unless you want shitty hands everywhere I don't think a three year old should be wiping their own bum.

But anyway op, if he is doing Man Shitting ™
(Fucks about for a half hour on phone while avoiding parenting) yanbu. If he was going to pop in there for five minute Yabu and worst case scenario ds could have waited for him to finish.

To the posters who say "what if he wasn't there". Fuck off. He was there. That's the point of both of them being there.