He's fell out with me because "he can't even have a shit in peace"

[coffeecoffeemorecoffee]

After he gave me a massive lecture yesterday about how we've argued everyday this week and it's all my fault he's now got the arse with me and I know it will be all my fault but I really don't think it is!

I was in the lounge with 3yo and 10 month old. He was in the downstairs toilet. 3yo needs the loo for a number 2 (needs help wiping) so because the baby is trying to climb everything ATM I didn't want to go upstairs and leave the baby alone in the lounge so I told him 3yo needs a poo! Next thing he can't ever "go for a fucking shit in peace" l leaves his shit floating in the down stairs loo and starts saying something as he goes upstairs. I didn't hear him to went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what he said, he point blank ignored me and went into the bathroom. So I went up and asked why he thinks it's ok to ignore me completely when I had clearly spoken to him. I tried to explain why I needed him to move upstairs but he's now got the arse with me. I know it will be my fault.

We've been through a tough time lately, split up recently then got back together because I didn't know how to move forward. Us getting back was all on his terms and now everything I do is wrong. Or so it feels. I KNOW I will be in the wrong for this but I really don't see what I've done wrong.

You give up your right to a peaceful shit as soon as kids come along

Don't be ridiculous!!

Appreciate there's a lot going on here but really you were incredibly unreasonable.

If I had been mid-shit I would expect dh to do exactly what I would have had to do if I had been alone in the house: dump baby in cot or bath or on mat or wherever and helped 3yo. Seeing that dh frequently took both children out on his own I can't see why that would have posed any problems.

How do you cope when alone in the house, OP? And do you never ever take the two of them out on your own?

To the posters who say "what if he wasn't there". Fuck off. He was there. That's the point of both of them being there.

But OP said "It didn't occur to me to go upstairs with the baby aswell." So what does she do when he isn't there? Does she engage her brain?
It's easy to blame-shift. I don't think that this problem is one-sided.

I think it is annoying to be disturbed mid-shit

I would have taken DCs both upstairs. Or let the 3 yr old go up first and ask them to yell when ready for wiping (if they are able to do this)

Why can't you get a baby play pen and put the baby in that when you can't watch her for five minutes?
Being asked to switch toilets mid shit is hugely unacceptable!
Especially when their is another toilet in house, or go back to a potty in these instances!

I think you were BU to be honest.

We also only have an upstairs toilet. So it's a bit of a first world problem not being able to use the downstairs one for 10 minutes.

You were being extremely unreasonable and escalating the situation by following him. I also walk away when I am angry and being followed would not have helped me calm down.

However. That isn't the core issue here, just a symptom of the fact that your relationship is not in a good place.

Why did you get back together?

YABVU.

He was having shit and you told him to move. Ridiculous and very rude, what were you thinking?

So whilst he was mid complaining about having to get up off the loo whilst he was having a poo you decide that actually you can get up and go to the bottom of the stairs and even go up after him to start an argument.

He had gone to do what you asked (despite the moaning and bitching) so you should have just left him to it rather than escalate things).

You could have gone upstairs with both kids and supervised 3 year old on loo whilst holding baby. Then when DH had finished called him to either hold baby or wipe 3 year old, who should have been told to stay sitting on the loo until Dad was available to help. I think you were probably looking for an argument.

Considering she was so desperate, you spent a lot of time following and berrating your partner, who wasn't in the wrong. I would have ignored you too. Where was the baby whilst you were following your DP upstairs?

You were wrong. If you are going to end up a single parent, you will have to deal with having a mobile baby and a toddler so will need to take the baby then. This situation was completely avoidable.

And it isn't normal to think you can't go to the toilet in peace as an adult. I have 2 older children. Not once have I ever taken them with me in the toilet, maybe a quick wee when they were very young, but anything else, nope, I go in alone. Even now when they bang on the door for not a lot when I am in the bathroom I tell them I'm not dealing with it now. Children do not need adult attention 24/7 and need to know that there are times when they leave them alone.

Just buy a playpen op, seriously you should be able to keep two dc safe on your own.

When he's not here I can supervise her and run in if necessary to stop her falling.

The baby is ten months old. She climbs, she eats every thing. Putting her in the bath isn't an option, she would try to stand then slip. Can't lay her on the floor because again, stand and slip. Or grab the toilet brush. I wasn't being difficult on purpose I was basically saying hurry it along, 3yo needs

She climbs, she eats every thing. Putting her in the bath isn't an option, she would try to stand then slip. Can't lay her on the floor because again, stand and slip. Or grab the toilet brush.

Gosh, how difficult for you. No one in the history of the world has ever that that problem. How do you cope?

Seriously OP. Stop thinking that the world is an impossible task and start putting procedures in place, plan ahead. Like everyone else does. Stop being a passive/aggressive martyr and woman up.

Op, I've had a 10 month old, we've all had a 10 month old. You put them in their cot with a toy to distract them. Or even a shiny bangle. They'll be ok for 5 mins. They can't come to much harm.

Put her in the cot? Give her to dad to hold while he's on the loo? Plonk her down for a second and wipe the three year olds bum. Unless the baby has super power speed it is easily doable.

You've already said it annoys you when he vanishes for a long shit so I think if you are completely honest with yourself, you wanted to inconvenience him as much as you felt inconvenienced by him vanishing for a poo.

YANBU. He shouldn't be shitting in the downstairs, he doesn't have a disability and he should know having the downstairs loo available for DC is important.

If he always makes you feel you are in the wrong, then that is not love.

Why are you with him?

Op you sound totally unreasonable and clearly nothing was that urgent if you were able to follow your partner upstairs arguing and where was baby at the time? Sounds like you and partner just piss each other off so why are you together anyway?

Wow there's a lot of high horses in here. I have two toilets, so I utilise them. If I only had one then I would have other options.

I can't take this thread seriously sorry

You sound harder work than the kids op!

You sound like hard work op. I walk away from fights too to give myself a chance to calm down being followed around the house by someone looking for a fight would really wind me up.

You said in the OP "I KNOW I will be in the wrong for this but I really don't see what I've done wrong." We've told you what you've done wrong but you are not listening.

Stop turning things into an argument between you and DP and MN and start thinking about the DC and the household that they are living in (from the aspects of safety and family harmony).

Options:

Towel on the bathroom floor

Baby in cot

Stay with baby ask 3yo to call when finished and needs wiping

Leaving baby with dad

... I think you were being unreasonable and almost deliberate in antagonising him. I wouldn't want to move to a different toilet mid shit either and would be quite peeved if I was asked.

The fact you went after him as well to start an even bigger argument is very telling... no one likes to be disturbed while shitting... I can only imagine the annoyance of having to move and sit on a cold seat and start all over again 😐.

Sounds like you resent him especially since you've got back into the relationship on his terms... you need to probably work that out with him.

you take them both upstairs and let the 10 month old shred loo roll while you wipe the three year olds arse.

I do think that yes, YWBVU