He did it again

[Cantbelievethis123]

Hi all I've name changed as my other posts are outing.
I don't know what to do. Last night I came home from work exhausted. My husband (as he does every fucking minute of the day it seems) starts going about wanting sex that night. I said I don't think so I'm to tired. Que his daily strop about how I can't possibly love him because I never want sex.
This is true but there is a reason.. it's because around 4/5 times (which he finally admitted to last night) he has had sex with me when I've been passed out drunk or asleep.
Last night we were spooning and he tried to cop a feel. I said don't I don't feel like it I'm going to sleep. He tried again a few minutes later. I shouted at him no! And to leave me alone. Well a few hours later I wake up to his penis inside me (sorry tmi). I jumped out of bed and started screaming at him.
He said he didn't do anything but eventually admitted it but said he didn't actually finish so it's not that big of deal.
I've told him this isn't the first time this has happened which he finally confessed to. The other times we argued about it he apologised and I forgave him as he turns it round on me and makes me feel I'm over reacting.
I don't know what to do. He's currently sat in the living room with our dc and I'm here in bits.
I'm so sorry that's so long and if I've missed anything. I can't really think straight right now

Viloot. I'm so sorry you're going through this aswell

Cant, your post made me cry. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you.

It's rape. RAPE. Your confusion is understandable, it's because your brain is frantically trying to make some sense of the fact that the person you've trusted to share your life and a bed with, has no respect for what you want, he took it anyway and it's not the first time.

'Sleepy sex' is not the same and this is not it. You said 'no', not just once but several times - and he still did it. It's rape.

I hope you have some support because you know now that your life as you know it is going to change. You will not forgive or forget this however hard you try.

Oh your husband is a piece of work, isn't he?

Throwing up from 'guilt'? No, more like he's throwing up because he's been rumbled and realises that there will be consequences this time - or he's eaten a bad prawn. There's not an apology that would be good enough.

You will be believed and you will be supported and, just in case you think that his raping you make you some kind of 'lesser person' in the eyes of other people, it does NOT. I worried about that and eventually came to the conclusion that the people who matters were fully shocked and horrified - and behind me 100%. Nobody else's opinion matters.

You should be able to walk around stark naked, be as drunk and stoned as you like - only a rapist rapes. That is what your husband IS.

I'm so sorry, it's an awful thing to have happen and dawn on you. :(

Thank you so much everyone. Some of your replies have had me in tears.
I wasn't sure if I was overreacting.
Maybe I'm naive but because it wasn't the whole pinned down screaming scenario or a stranger in a dark alley that it wasn't as serious

he is saying sorry to mess with your head and make you think that it is not a big deal. however, no means no. if he proceeds after that it is rape. coping a feel when you have said no would be sexual assault.

oh and brains do funny things in an attempt to protect you from psychological harm. but often leads to minimising and staying with your abuser. plus you want to believe he is the loving husband you want. (he is not.) and he is gaslighting you into thinking that you have consented.

time to leave.

How awful. Agree with PPs above. Surely you must loathe the sight of him...! def a LTB from me.

I think he needs an ultimatum. He needs to realise his behaviour is unacceptable from someone else apart from you. Would you consider a counsellor? if he won't make drastic efforts to change I think it's over.

I don't believe he would see a counsellor. He's said before that if our marriage got to a stage where I suggest we need counselling then what's the point. There's nothing left to save in his eyes.
Obviously this is a different situation but knowing him I seriously doubt he would consider it.
He's not here at the moment. I've asked for some space but in may suggest it

So sorry he is doing this with you. I cant see how things could possibly ever be mended. Honestly, no pressure im not telling you what you should do, but how can this work? He's raping you repeatedly. It is terrible. It is criminal. You deserve so much better.

Op he had raped you when you have been passed out due to alcohol no one with morals would do that it's almost as if he gets a kick out of doing it without your consent.

How the fuck is he an amazing father and husband? He's a fucking rapist. Disgusting.

It's is a hard decision for you op but you definitely need to do something about it asap. Sorry, no words of wisdom

My exh raped me 2 weeks after giving birth. Next day I confronted him. He denied it. I took my wedding ring off and plotted to leave..
Took me 20 months to get myself organised but I left him.

And I never slept with him again. .

Rape is sex without consent.

It doesn't matter whether it's a stranger forcing himself on you in a dark alleyway, or whether it's your husband penetrating you whilst you sleep despite the fact you have told him 'no'. Both are rape.

Your husband is a rapist.

He has raped you repeatedly despite the fact that you have told him that you don't consent to sex.

Rapists don't suddenly 'get better'. He sees you as a hole and nothing more. Your feelings and whether you consent or not are irrelevant to him.

I would report him to the police, see a solicitor and file for divorce.

Hi all,

We thought now would be a good time to post a link to our We Believe You rape awareness campaign, and in particular to the Rape Myths we're challenging.

We'd urge anyone who hasn't seen the campaign before to please take a look, and to be extra sensitive when posting on threads such as this.

OP, we can see you're getting some good advice and support here. We really hope you're okay.

OP, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.I understand why you feel conflicted because he minimises his behaviour and acts normally afterwards.

However he has a big issue which must be a compulsion and he doesn't seem willing to deal with it so in his mind it must be acceptable.True remorse would have him looking up help to "cure" himself.Its like a drug addict, they need to admit that their habit hurts other people before they can get clean.

The comment 're counselling doesn't surprise me (but joint counselling for his issue isnt going to resolve this) as he doesnt believe its a problem and he's not keen to explore his beliefs which lead to this behaviour.

Talk to someone you trust as you need support.

Sorry is just a word. A word he has used and not meant previously. Tell him to leave the house, that you will agree to counselling but if he doesn't then your marriage is over. If he is sincere then he will do as you ask, if he refuses then you know that saying sorry was just a sop to make you carry on in the same way.

He absolutely is a rapist, you could report him to the police! Do not let him minimise his behaviour anymore. You hold the cards, if he refuses to move out and give you space then you can contact the police and make a report and ask them to have him removed from the property as you no longer feel safe going to sleep with him there. I really doubt he will want to make you go forward with this threat.

So sorry this has happened to you, do not blame yourself, the blame sits squarely in his shoulders.

Ask yourself, if you knew he would never do it again, would you ever be able to respect him after what has happened? I rather doubt it. I think your marriage is probably over regardless.

He's raping you. Please leave him. He isn't a fantastic dad when he's raping his child's mother. He's a cunt.

The manipulating and lying side of things is really quite terrifying. The act itself is hideous enough, but then to claim that you were dreaming, or that you consented before falling asleep, or that you somehow wanted it because you pressed against him whilst asleep - these are the seasoned excuses of a serial rapist.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.

Just remember OP, when he is sick and crying and apologising, that he must have had to really, really plan and be sneaky to be able to physically do that. He must have done it a lot. Please leave, I worry for you xxxxx.

He's just left again after picking up some stuff. He broke down and was crying and apologising
He says he thinks we can move past this. I mentioned the counselling but he didn't seem keen. Says he doesn't want people knowing because he's embarrassed and ashamed. Which he should be!
I told him that I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable around him again. And that's not a marriage and what example am I setting our dd if I stay with him

Jane , I didn't see your first message but from subsequent posts it sounds as if you may be or have been in as much need of help and information as the OP.

Well done Op , stay strong .

OP I am so sorry.
You're doing the right thing. And if he was truly sorry he would be willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, including going to therapy.

I think this is a brilliant way to explain consent and I hope it reassures you that you aren't overreacting and he has raped you repeatedly.
www.consentiseverything.com