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Original poster

He did it again

107 replies

Cantbelievethis123 · 11/06/2017 13:11

Hi all I've name changed as my other posts are outing.
I don't know what to do. Last night I came home from work exhausted. My husband (as he does every fucking minute of the day it seems) starts going about wanting sex that night. I said I don't think so I'm to tired. Que his daily strop about how I can't possibly love him because I never want sex.
This is true but there is a reason.. it's because around 4/5 times (which he finally admitted to last night) he has had sex with me when I've been passed out drunk or asleep.
Last night we were spooning and he tried to cop a feel. I said don't I don't feel like it I'm going to sleep. He tried again a few minutes later. I shouted at him no! And to leave me alone. Well a few hours later I wake up to his penis inside me (sorry tmi). I jumped out of bed and started screaming at him.
He said he didn't do anything but eventually admitted it but said he didn't actually finish so it's not that big of deal.
I've told him this isn't the first time this has happened which he finally confessed to. The other times we argued about it he apologised and I forgave him as he turns it round on me and makes me feel I'm over reacting.
I don't know what to do. He's currently sat in the living room with our dc and I'm here in bits.
I'm so sorry that's so long and if I've missed anything. I can't really think straight right now

OP posts:
JK1773 · 11/06/2017 18:09

Oh OP you poor thing. How bloody dare he do this to you. I'm so angry on your behalf. Probably not what you want but I'd report him to the police. He's disgusting! My ex used to tantrum when I didn't feel like sex and it got to the point where I avoided it all together. He was an arsehole. I'm convinced he did this to me once on a night where I believe he or his friend spiked my drink. However I don't believe it ever happened again. Do you have RL support?

UnicornSparkles1 · 11/06/2017 19:05

I'm so sorry.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 11/06/2017 20:14

If you don't have the capacity to give consent such as very drunk, asleep, on heavy duty medication etc you can't give consent.

Therefore, its rape.

If you said no and he didn't listen he's a rapist. A cowardly one too, waiting until you are vulnerable and won't notice/fight back.

Could you ever feel safe in a bed with him again? Because it will always be at the back of your mind.

Your no is just inconvenient to him.

If he loved you truly he may be annoyed but he'd relieve himself and then cuddle up to you and sleep.

Please don't let yourself be used again.

WelshMoth · 11/06/2017 20:36

He's only sorry because you've called him on it.

Your head must be all over the place OP.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 11/06/2017 23:19

hugs

twattymctwatterson · 11/06/2017 23:39

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. You seem to be looking for a way to work things out with your husband, but he's been habitually raping you. There is absolutely nothing that can be worth saving in a marriage with a man who rapes you.

IrritatedUser1960 · 11/06/2017 23:42

I'm so sorry but you can't go on like this. My husband did this constantly too and although it didn't feel like rape which it actually is the constant demands for sex got me down.
I am so much happier without him now. He has no respect for you.

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2017 05:56

How are you feeling this morning OP?
Are there some other friends and family you can contact for support too? (Not the ones recommending separate beds....!)

Would you consider calling Rape Crisis or Women's Aid?

43percentburnt · 12/06/2017 06:14

There is a video on you tube regarding consent and a cup of tea. m.youtube.com/results?q=cup%20of%20tea%20consent%20video&sm=1

He knows damn well what he is doing is wrong. He doesn't want anyone to know! Because he knows it's wrong, he was just getting away with it before.

supermumofmany · 12/06/2017 06:37

I'd be filing for divorce!

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 12/06/2017 12:00

I don't know how I'm feeling today. I tried to go to work to take my mind off of it but ended up getting sent home.
I've had mixed responses from people I've spoken to. The majority are suggesting some form of counselling because he's very remorseful and guilt ridden. Or so he seems.
I don't know if it's because this time I didn't back down and he knew he couldn't convince me I'd dreamt it like before or if he is genuinely mortified and ashamed.
He's desperate for another chance but I can't see me ever being able to have a sexual relationship again

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelambstew · 12/06/2017 12:21

I don't know what to say other than well done for taking action. He feels guilty and ashamed and is unwilling to talk about it in front of a counselor because he knows its wrong.

You're doing so well OP. I know its hard because he's still the man you fell in love with but he is also the man who violated you and made you feel like this. The libido, the innuendo's, the melt downs were all things that made sex an ever present threat. Sex should never feel like that, it should be an exciting possibility. Not a threat.

Stay strong OP. Only go to counselling if you want to and I would suggest you go by yourself before you even consider going with him. Work out how you feel about this before you give him any head space. The fact that it was in your bed with your husband and not a stranger in a dark alleyway doesn't make it any less of a rape. He didn't have your consent and raped you while you were unconscious. You could speak to womens aid and read up on the "do you want a cup of tea" analogy.

Take care OP, thinking of you Flowers

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 12/06/2017 12:24

Please watch this OP x

needhelp111 · 12/06/2017 12:35

I made a postbthis morning about my own nightmare and it scarily sounds the same as what you're going through op.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/06/2017 12:51

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this treatment.
He must know that counsellors can't tell anyone what he's said.
He absolutely NEEDS counselling.
As do you!
Please contact rape crisis and get some specialised therapy for this.
Give yourself some space and time.
Look after yourself.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 12/06/2017 12:59

I have never seen that video, but am going to show it to my kids when the time is right. Thank you for sharing.

OP, your husband needs to see that.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 12/06/2017 13:20

I have shown him this video ages ok. To show him that it's not ok to to try and guilt me into sleeping with him x

OP posts:
StormTreader · 12/06/2017 13:27

Hes sorry you didnt ignore it like the other times, and hes sorry he got caught. Hes sorry that his nice cushy life might be over, and hes sorry that youre not just going to forget it.

Hes not sorry that he did it, or he'd be jumping at the chance to speak to a councillor about finding out why he thinks this is ok and how he can change.

Kikibanana86 · 12/06/2017 13:27

The first thing I thought when I read the op was that if this was any other man than your husband you would be calling the police.

I would do this TBH as he IS raping you, regularly!

exWifebeginsat40 · 12/06/2017 14:07

my second husband was very proud of being able to tell when i was blackout drunk. he still had sex with me though. i don't know how to begin to process the fact that i was repeatedly raped.

when we split up he wrote a four page email (small font!) detailing my failings and justifying why he'd had to start fucking someone else. his need for a 'vibrant love life' was cited.

i guess having sex with unconscious people gets old after a while. i'm so sorry this has been happening to you OP.

i don't know what to suggest though apart from leave him. please, just leave him. when i think about my past situation it makes me want to start screaming and never stop. tell him to fuck off.

expatinscotland · 12/06/2017 14:54

'The majority are suggesting some form of counselling because he's very remorseful and guilt ridden. Or so he seems.
I don't know if it's because this time I didn't back down and he knew he couldn't convince me I'd dreamt it like before or if he is genuinely mortified and ashamed.
He's desperate for another chance but I can't see me ever being able to have a sexual relationship again'

I've heard it all now! He's a criminal. What he's admitted to doing is a crime. He still doesn't see that. He's still minimising and dismissing. He's like a thief who isn't sorry he stole, but is damn sorry he got caught.

I cannot imagine any counsellor recommending a marriage involving rape continue, in fact, I'd think most were duty-bound to report the crime that it is to the police.

Rape is a crime for a reason.

And this man is a rapist.

Original poster
Cantbelievethis123 · 12/06/2017 15:37

My ds is currently sobbing in his room because daddy can't stay here again tonight. What the hell am I supposed to tell him 😥 My heart is breaking for him

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/06/2017 15:40

'My ds is currently sobbing in his room because daddy can't stay here again tonight. What the hell am I supposed to tell him 😥 My heart is breaking for him'

That it's not his fault. That sometimes in life adults who love each other cannot live together. There's only one person at fault here and it isn't him or you.

StormTreader · 12/06/2017 15:57

"Just because Daddy cant stay here any more doesnt mean he loves you any less. You'll still see him lots, and we both still love you just as much as ever."

Lovemusic33 · 12/06/2017 16:11

I actually reported my ex for doing this, sadly it didn't go anywhere and I was made to feel like I was making it up to seek revenge Sad. Because there was lack of evedence the case was dropped.

The right thing to do is not to let him back, you deserve better, your DS will be ok, he will get used to any new arrangements, obviously he's going to be upset and confused at first.