He did it again

[Cantbelievethis123]

Hi all I've name changed as my other posts are outing.
I don't know what to do. Last night I came home from work exhausted. My husband (as he does every fucking minute of the day it seems) starts going about wanting sex that night. I said I don't think so I'm to tired. Que his daily strop about how I can't possibly love him because I never want sex.
This is true but there is a reason.. it's because around 4/5 times (which he finally admitted to last night) he has had sex with me when I've been passed out drunk or asleep.
Last night we were spooning and he tried to cop a feel. I said don't I don't feel like it I'm going to sleep. He tried again a few minutes later. I shouted at him no! And to leave me alone. Well a few hours later I wake up to his penis inside me (sorry tmi). I jumped out of bed and started screaming at him.
He said he didn't do anything but eventually admitted it but said he didn't actually finish so it's not that big of deal.
I've told him this isn't the first time this has happened which he finally confessed to. The other times we argued about it he apologised and I forgave him as he turns it round on me and makes me feel I'm over reacting.
I don't know what to do. He's currently sat in the living room with our dc and I'm here in bits.
I'm so sorry that's so long and if I've missed anything. I can't really think straight right now

Ah, sorry then, Cantbelievethis

I can't get my head around a man basically pestering you for sex, having sex without your consent, and then being surprised you don't want sex with him! Has he not considered what a turnoff pestering and sulking is - even leaving aside the sex without consent/rape? 😱😱

Jane, I was going to directly ask if you have been subjected to this treatment before and whether you had justified it to yourself or blamed yourself. It was the only other reason I coulld see why you might use such damaging language like you did above

I am sorry you also lived with it, but I repeat : engage your brain. What you said above reinforces rape apology. That if women don't open their legs every time they have only themselves to blame. Educate yourself about coercive control which is now illegal even in marriage. Yes, really. Then maybe you won't urge other women to second guess their own instincts in the future and put up with it like you did.

What AF said. He's a rapist. There's nothing amazing or spectacular about him.

how do you see this working out op?
do you want to make him acknowledge that having sex without your consent is rape and that you have the right to not want to have sex?
do you want to stay in this marriage and work out issues that are impacting on your sex life?
only you know what you want to happen

if you wish he could just be the same great dad and husband but stop acting like a sex pest as this is repulsing you then you need to have this clear talk with him and accept that maybe some uncomfortable discussion is going to be had and it may not be resolvable for both of you.
is counselling an option?

I've told him what he's been doing is rape. I sent him an article to read about coercion and consent. He said he now understands. I said so does that mean the times before you honestly thought it was ok. He said no and then started rambling about how he's not good with words and that he's so sorry. But he was so sorry the other times aswell. Apparently this time it's different. I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go if I left him. I work but he is the main breadwinner. It's his name on the mortgage etc.

He's a classic abuser.

OP

you're married, you'll get half the house I think.

Please go to the police or call Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

I have reported Jane's post.

Do you want to leave him or do you think you can work through this ??? Iv nonidea what the right answer is but I do know what he has been doing is rape. Does he honestly expect you to believe that he never realised he was raping you ??? Would he consider seeing someone like a counsellor about his behaviour or do you think he is just saying sorry to appease you and doesn't really believe he has done anything wrong ??

If a stranger raped me I wouldn't be giving them a second chance. Just because you've married him doesn't make it any different.

Farmerswife. You're last line is the reason I'm so confused. He's been sorry the last few times it's happened. I asked him how am I supposed to believe this apology. He said he doesn't know what more he can say

He's a rapist the fact he taken advantage of you on two previous occasions when you were at your most vulnerable to not even be aware what he was doing is mortifying he is a repeat offender. Him being your "D" H gives him no right to view you as his property and treat you so, he will ever change.You are your own person with thoughts feelings and wishes which should be respected. Can you confine with anyone in RL?

Do you want to be married to this man ??

He's raping you. I'm so sorry.

Does his apology seem any different since reading the article? Is he upset and sickened by his own behaviour? Is he grovelling on his fucking knees? Because he should be. Otherwise I doubt he's being sincere.

I said so does that mean the times before you honestly thought it was ok. He said no and then started rambling about how he's not good with words and that he's so sorry

You don't have to be good with words to stop raping your wife

He is right. This time it is different.

He said he understood and he said he wouldn't do it again when you laid it out for him last time

If you had any doubt that the problem was his lack of understanding that this was wrong then that uncertainty should be gone

He rapes you because he wants to. Because he feels entitled to. He doesn't care how it affects you.

Make your next move based on that last paragraph.

Op I really think you need to get counselling for yourself to talk through all this . You are obviously very confused. Have you a friemd in RL you can talk too or what about ringing the samaratins or a rape charity to talk things over ?

It does seem different after reading it yes. He's been throwing up all night. He says it's guilt. I don't know.
I'm ashamed to say that this has happened more than a couple of times. Twice when I've been drunk and a handful of times when I've been sober.
He passed those off as i must've been dreaming or that I said yes but must've fallen asleep after I'd said it. I am aware of how stupid and gullible this is making me sound 😥

it sounds as though you want validation that its ok to want to leave this man. Yes its ok! It is in no way your fault that he has raped you and pestered you for sex and to want to leave.

See a solicitor to understand your options better and get some perspective on how your future without him could be.

Meanwhile gather all banking and necessary admin so that you can be ready if you go through that route.

Don't be too hard on yourself Op, I guess it's a lot to get your head round and must be difficult to believe that someone who is meant to love and cherish you could commit such an awful act.

But , now that you know what he's been doing you can , hopefully , make an informed decision on what to do next .

I think you may be right newnameoldme. I have spoken to my best friends. They have been a great support.
Their suggestion is to sleep in separate beds and see if it's something we can eventually work through

Op, you don't sound confused at all to me. You sound perfectly lucid.

Your problems appear to be purely practical and based on finances.

My suggestion is that you tell your husband your marriage is over and he is now sleeping elsewhere so that he will have no opportunity to keep raping you

Then 1st thing tomorrow you consult a solicitor, start the ball rolling to claim whatever benefits you are entitled to and start confiding in friends and family exactly what has been happening behind closed doors. Gather support around you and stop trying to talk your husband out of sexual assault...it's not working.

Temporarily sleeping apart will not work. He will assault you again as soon as he is back in your bed. He's done it too many times...he has the taste for it.

It's horrible to read that you are going through this. Dh has done this on occasion and I didn't know other people would think it so bad and I just tried to forget about it. I can understand completely when you say that your dh is good in every other way, it's the same here. But the nagging and guilt trips because I don't want to have sex with him that often (medication-has totally eradicated my libido) is very hard to live with. Have never voiced this before, feel a bit weird doing it now. Not an easy thing to deal with op.

I also believe he will do it again . No decent person would do it in the first place . Rapists do not get a second chance in my book.

"I asked him how am I supposed to believe this apology."

You could tell him that you might be able to believe him, when he stands before one or more authoritative figures (police, doctor, rape counsellor, etc) and in your presence says to them "I have been habitually raping my wife and I need help to stop". Apologies are cheap Cantbelievethis, 'sorry' only works if one then puts it right.

From what you have posted, I do think you should leave him, but that is something you have to decide for yourself. Either way, this is not something that can be dealt with by you and he alone.