Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

[user1495964242]

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

And he shouldn't get used to the idea that he can have one child at a time. Has it even occurred to him how damaging it will be for your DS to see his sister being prioritised?

So what happens at the end of the month? That is very confusing for your child.

DO NOT LET HIM TAKE DD!!! DO NOT! It's potentially setting a 'legal precedent' that he is her primary carer. This will affect residence and maintenance. It may very well be that he is already 'two steps ahead of you' in having sought legal advice about how to keep his financial losses to as minimum as possible. Also realize that if he takes her, legally he does not have to return her. He has equal rights under law to keep his child with him.

You also need to consider the feeling of rejection his taking just the ONE child with him will cause your DS.

Offer the alternative of him having BOTH children on a schedule, just as if you were divorced. Offer every other weekend, perhaps Thursday evening through Sunday. Write up an agreement or an annotated calendar, something that will show when the children are to be returned. I'd also point out to him that having his mother there to care for the children is NOT 'getting the experience' of being a single parent.

Xpost with plenty of other MNers.

His idea of taking DD is obviously screaming NO NO NO with a lot of us!

Please please please do not let him do this for the sake of your children!

The only time I have personally known the two children of a marriage be split up it resulted in massive harm to those children.
A went with Mum, B went with Dad. But Dad was a bit of a wastrel so eventually dumped B. By this time she felt she'd been dumped twice once by Mum (who hadn't wanted her) and then by Dad. She tried to live with her mother and sibling but they had grown close and she no longer felt part of their lives (they had shared experiences she hadn't been there for).
So when Dad offered to take her back she jumped at it. Only then he dumped her again.
She no longer has contact with either parent. Has huge issues. And only has contact with grandparents and aunt if they are very careful.

For him to suggest taking one - tells your DS that "Daddy doesn't want me". For you to agree with it says "Mummy prefers DS to DD". If he goes for a month, he can have them both/together up to 50%, but I would suggest far less. And certainly not with you doing all the daytime child care!
He is still using you.

OMG...It gets worse...please listen to advice..if he want to see what it is like to be a single parent juggling childcare and work fine. EOW...etc. it's not a game and your dc's need to see that YOU now make the decisions. if that means DD id disappointed id will be short lived compared to the potential pain later...
please wake up....I'm so angry on behalf of your dc's...could it also mean by this arrangement you to get to still see him?
Question yourself why would you allow this?

OP, your MIL/FIL/family-in-law are no longer allies for you. Even if they are fairly decent, they will pull up the drawbridge and side with their son, blood thicker than water stuff prevailing.

You really must make NO decisions yourself at the moment. It's Monday tomorrow, please find a solicitor and get some very URGENT advice. You really need somebody in your corner.

My advice would always be, better to do nothing and sit on a decision than sleepwalk or be frog-marched into making one that you'll regret for a very long time.

Please read what everybody else is posting to you... get help. There's no shame in it, everybody needs help sometimes - and you need it now.

OMG, don't allow this. His children aren't toys that he can 'try out'.

Please please listen to LyingWitch's post and don't agree a single thing with him unless your independent person has OKed it.

Jesus fuckin Christ - being a parent would involve both kids - he's a fucking idiot and you are being a doormat. Sorry. But ffs he still wants to pick and choose?? The easier kid, the easiest shag, the most comfortable home set up. You must not let him do this with DD, it would be a terrible precedent for all the tough and ugly negotiations you have ahead of you. Seriously sorry to be rude but grow a pair.

He needs an emotional crutch from a 7 year old because he hasn't grown up enough yet to handle the implications of exploding his family apart?

Nail on head!

I don't think it's as premeditated as some posters suggest- how can he be a main carer by having DD 3 nights a week, while he works F/T?How can he get the house after living with his mum and one child for a few weeks? No judge would agree to that.

I think he is so thick that he genuinely wants to see what it's like having a child.

But it's still nonsense.

OP your DD is a child. I am sure that spending time with her gran sounds like fun but she has no idea why and you have no idea -it seems- about how it will affect her education for a start. I HOPE you have been into school and discussed the home circs with your children's teachers because it is going to impact on them, even as things are now- kids pick up emotions between parents even if you don't pick up how they are feeling.

What your DH suggests is NOT a 'holiday' FFS! It's using her as a pawn so he can 'play daddy'.

I am shocked you can't see this.

You are their parent. It's not a child's choice at 5 or 7 who they live with.

Honestly, you and your DH both need to grow up fast. You each sound as if you have not matured at all since you met at 15.

Polly, he can be 'main carer' because he will get his mum to do the lion's share of it. That is pre-meditated. He will not even be there to look after his daughter but it's a 'tick' in the 'get User out of the house' box. If you've read the thread then it will be clear to you that he's a very manipulative and nasty man.

If the OP is feeling anything like I was, she's in a 'deer in the headlights' mode at the moment and our shock at why she can't see certain things is neither here nor there. Also not helpful.

OP's in a pickle and needs real life help to get through this. I hope that she's able to pick out bits of advice and run with them. Everybody's given the same advice consistently so it really doesn't matter which posts she chooses, just that she gets some RL advice before making any decisions.

This is a child we're talking about. You aren't dividing the CD collection or dolling out the kitchen pots and pans. Your DD isn't a doll that he gets to pick up and put down when he feels like it.

If you go ahead with this then it will have long-term negative effects on BOTH of your children. I guarantee it.

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's bad enough that you have so little respect for yourself that you'll let this man treat you with such contempt, but now you're allowing your children to be used as pawns too? Honestly I had sympathy for you up until the point that you're failing to protect your children from such a damaging situation.

As if taking your dd for a month is going to help him know how to be a parent, his mummy will be doing everything!
Please dont let him take her, your child is not a toy he can take. She needs her home with you and her brother and normal routine.

Nooooo, no, no no, nooooo. Please don't send her away and pick her brother as your favourite..... that's what it will seem to her. Don't do this OP, this is all kinds of bad

My ex did this. It seemed a good idea at the time, I thought it would help. Then DC said she wanted to stay with me - she was 10 at the time. We had tears, so in the end I said ok we'll go with her staying with me. 2 weeks later he had me in court for full custody (as it was at the time rather than residency). He was still living in the house as I'd moved out, but had he won custody he'd have been able to stay there and claim maintenance from me. As it was the house had to be sold, he'd let it go downhill and it sold for a song.

Dont do it.

The guy is treating you like crapp because you are allowing him to. He sleeps with whom ever he chooses and then comes slithering back to you like the revolting snake that he is and you just jump straight into bed with him. He's making a mug of you and you just allow it. He will continue to treat you like dirt and he will laugh at your weakness and patheticness. There is nothing that any of us on her can say to you as nothing will change until you get some self respect and tell him it's over and mean it.
See a solicitor to help work out where you stand financially and kick this disgusting, rotten trash out of your life.

Sorry bit it's a disgrace you would even allow him to take only one child. The pair of you need to grow up and put your dcs first

Could this because when he divorces you he can show he is the "primary carer" of dd and gets the house and you will be out on the street without both of your children

He sounds dodgy OP. You're so naive. Before agreeing to something like that I would seek legal advice. He is a selfish bastard; don't trust him with anything even with your children.

Also, he said he slept with OW twice - bullocks, bullocks, bullocks.

Woman give your head a wobble. You are still letting him dictate things.

Do not send your child to grans house.

He is not coming back to you. Don't you think it odd that a man who has never took responsibility for the shit work of his kids is suddenly wanting to?

He is trying to appease his own guilt by showing everyone he has one of the DC or worse he is planning to keep her and show a court he can look after her and hold down a job but requires accomodation - hence the home needs to be sold. If you have one child each a judge will look at the interests of both children.

When he goes claim separately from him.

I had the care of my gs1 for two years since he was a baby through the courts. I was contacted by a family claiming their son was the father. After meeting and discussions, I agreed to contact between them as it appeared to be correct. I just wanted the best for my gs and it was for an afternoon on a Sunday.

I was unaware that the "father" had numerous convictions for violence and when a minor disagreement ended with him threatening to attack me in front of my gs I stopped contact. They then took me to court claiming they had far more contact than they had and were awarded eow contact. They did not believe he tried to attack me - but why would I agree initially then stop for no reason?

Months later he attacked a disabled man, six months later he attacked another man and was found guilty of gbh. All that happened was contact moved to supervised by his parents which it was in reality any way.

I am only telling you this because your acquiescing to his demands here could lead to unpalatable contact arrangements being enforced. He could claim to be primary carer for your dd, and his mother could claim she had regular contact/caring responsibilities. Their is also the issue of finance as he can claim shared care above the norm.

Whilst he absolutely should have contact with his children, you cannot pick and choose one child. This is absolutely unacceptable and damaging to both your children. Put a stop to this now.

Op, I have felt sorry for you as your dh is treating you with appalling cruelty. Don't let him do the same to your children. Get rid of this man-child now. He is absolutely not the catch he thinks he is.