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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

385 replies

user1495964242 · 10/06/2017 14:39

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back Sad I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him,  help
OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 11/06/2017 16:12

Sorry - just remembered you have TWO children. Does he mean to just have one - that's not on either. Perhaps he should have the children when you are working and for a day at the weekend.

user1495964242 · 11/06/2017 16:13

Yes he wants to take dd with him, ds stays with me, but he'll drop her to me in the mornings ready for school and collect her after he finishes work in the evening, not ironed details out yet but that's the jist of it x

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 11/06/2017 16:14

Do not let him take DD for a month..what the hell are you thinking about??
Poor DD has to leave her home,her bed, her DM so that her arsehole of a DF can see what it is like to be a parent (even tho he is at him mum's Hmm ).
Grow up OP anad protect your DD from all the shit that is going on around her. She is NOT a toy.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 16:16

That doesn't work for you. Why are you agreeing to it ?

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 16:16

ERR NO!

He can't take a child to see what it's like. That's crap and what message does that sent to BOTH your children.

He doesn't want a relationship with you so that's what he's getting. He can have them both for reasonable contact.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 16:18

Love, you may be happy to sacrifice your own self at the altar of this idiotic man but you seem prepared to put your dc through it too

Enough, surely ?

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 16:19

Please, please don't agree to that.

In the kindest possible way op, you could really benefit from some counselling. If you can't see why taking your DD isn't good for either of your kids, or the break up, then I think you have some boundary issues. Please look into some counselling.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/06/2017 16:20

he wants to take dd with him so he gets some idea of the responsibility of having a child to look after

What the FUCK? He's a PARENT, he should KNOW already what it's like to have to look after a child.

No, no, no. This is a hugely bad idea and it shows ZERO concern for your DD's welfare. Has he given any thought at all as to what this will feel like for her? Taken away from her Mum, her home, her sibling - just because it suits him to dump her with his Mother?

She's a human being, not a toy. Children need consistency. She needs to be at home, with her Mum and her sibling, in her room with her things. If he wants to see BOTH children, then you work out an access schedule.

You need to see a solicitor as a matter of urgency and get a legal agreement in place.

user1495964242 · 11/06/2017 16:22

Dd is very happy and excited at the thought of a 'holiday' at nannies, she's only a few roads away and Ds is very much a mummys boy and wouldn't want to go with his dad, I won't be not seeing her for a whole month just not seeing the ex except dropping off the children and he will have them both overnight on the 3 nights im working

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 11/06/2017 16:24

Could this because when he divorces you he can show he is the "primary carer" of dd and gets the house and you will be out on the street without both of your children

Learn to say no to him.

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 16:25

You really don't have to agree with everything he wants.

Why do you think this is a good idea op? What is running through your mind on this?

RegTheMonkey1 · 11/06/2017 16:25

I rarely comment on threads like this, because everyone else always has such wise advice. I have read the full thread however, and the latest addition has made me post. Why should your daughter be uprooted from her own home, her mother, her brother to go and live away for a month? He should ALREADY know what it's like to be parent! I feel very sorry for your daughter if you go ahead with this. All the other stuff - well everyone is probably tired of repeating themselves. It's up to you how you deal with your husband, but you really do have to put your foot down with this insane idea about taking your daughter away for a month.

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 16:26

And yes to the primary carer bit. He could get the house.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 16:29

What is running through op's mind when she agrees to this ?

Quite clearly she will do anything to appease him.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/06/2017 16:31

You need to go forward with the mindset that he is now the enemy and question why he does/suggests things. What is in it for him.
He is a parent if he doesn't know now what parenting is then he never will especially as his mother will be doing everything.

Also you need to treat his family as the enemy as well. You could have the situation that his dm and him will feed your dd with lies about you and she might never come back

user1495964242 · 11/06/2017 16:32

He doesn't really know what it's like because ive always been the one to look after the children, he's never been for any extended period besides when I work having to look after them, we've asked her dad is going to stay at nannies for a few weeks did she want to stay home or go along too, she wanted to go., dd has always been very much for her dad and ds very much for me its always been the dynamic in our family, i will still be in the house and have our son except for the 3 nights I work he will have them both at his mum's house, there's more for us to discuss about it as I said it was only brought up thismorning and not ironed anything out for sure.

OP posts:
PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/06/2017 16:33

Dd is very happy and excited at the thought of a 'holiday' at nannies, she's only a few roads away and Ds is very much a mummys boy and wouldn't want to go with his dad, I won't be not seeing her for a whole month just not seeing the ex except dropping off the children and he will have them both overnight on the 3 nights im working

You are prioritising what your cheating husband wants, over what is best for your children. If you honestly think this is a good idea then you are fucking deluded. Of course she's been sold on the idea of a lovely holiday. But she's very young and will have no concept of what that time means. A month is a LONG time to be away from your home and your Mum.

This is a terrible idea and you need to stand up for your children and what is best for them. Your H will have no idea what it's like to look after a child if MIL is doing the grunt work, so there is zero benefit to your DD being there.

Stop thinking your H is your saviour and that you have to keep bending over backwards to please him. Where's your backbone? This is your child and she NEEDS you. You are the parent and you are responsible for knowing what is best for her - and being away from her home, you and her brother when her parents are splitting up - is such a bad idea. I can't believe you are even contemplating this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/06/2017 16:33

OP, you said in your earlier posts that you have family and friends who have been listening to you and supporting you. Is there ANYBODY in your family that you could trust - mum, dad, brother, sister, aunt, whatever - to guide you through this in real life/real time?

I ask because when I was going through a heap of stuff, I really couldn't think straight. I was recounting some horrendous things that were happening to me and, if you'd heard me, you would have thought I was reading the news. I'd pretty much checked out of my cognitive thoughts. My point is that because I was in such a bad way and unable to think logically, I reached out to my cousin. He and I were close as young children and even though we're not even in the same country, he came over to help.

He listened, started making numbered lists, gently pointing out that the things I wanted were no longer on the table and were just not going to work - and took me through each of the numbered points, breaking them down into big tasks and small jobs. What I couldn't manage he did - and for all the things that I did, he was right there.

I barely remember that time now but I'll always remember how I felt when I saw him, the relief was unimaginable. Is there someone like that for you?

I think you're in the same 'frozen forehead', cold hands, slow movements - shock. I recognise the 'newsreader' style of your posts and I know the knee-jerk excuse-making that is very clear when you talk about your (ex) husband. I think you are still absolutely desperate to make your marriage work and you've seen this conversation this morning as a 'chink of light' and the start of getting it back on track.

You will set your recovery back some time if you don't come to terms with what is actually happening here. I think your ex is still reeling you in, still playing with you and is now using this tactic of taking your daughter with him as a 'nice thing' when it actually is more sinister than that. How do you know that he'll return her when you ask, not use her as leverage to get at you? He has form for that, he will do and say anything to get back at you, to hurt you and, like my ex, he is wanting to see just how far he can push you.

Please OP, think of somebody like my cousin that you could reach out to to help you with this. It's too much for you to cope with I think and you need somebody in your corner, making sure that whatever happens next is in YOUR best interests.

Do not agree to ANYTHING without speaking to your person-of-trust. This is the best advice that I can give you right now, that I would give my best friend.

ASK FOR HELP!

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/06/2017 16:35

Oh and asking a young child whether she wants to go or not is a mistake. She needs boundaries, consistency and certainty.

Your H is a liar and a cheat. Do you honestly think he's suggesting this because it's what's best for your DD? Remember when he fucked off to go and be with the OW? He didn't give a shiny shit about his kids then, did he?

WeeMcBeastie · 11/06/2017 16:35

I'm starting to think this post might not be genuine. If it is, I'm seriously worried about the OPs mental health. Surely him planning to take your DD is the wake up call you need? You do realise that in a months time he's likely to say 'I'm not quite sure what I want, I need another 6 months' By which time he will find an OW and will probably go for full time custody of your daughter. At the very least your relationship with your daughter will be damaged forever. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 16:36

Op, stop and think what you are doing. Your dd might be "excited" but she doesn't understand what is happening here.

You are her mother. You are being outmanoevred by a manipulative man. You are letting your daughter be used as a pawn. Can't you see this ?

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/06/2017 16:37

Please read Lying's post if nothing else. Reach out to your family or a trusted friend and ask for their help and advice.

CiderwithBuda · 11/06/2017 16:37

No he does not get to take your DD! If he wants to live the life of a single man off he pops. He doesn't get to allay his guilt but taking your DD to his mother to look after. Please say no. It will be utterly confusing for her. He is being a selfish arse. It's all about him.

Tell him no. He can go. Tell him space will be good for you both. But O NOT let him take your DD.

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 16:37

Agreed she's been sold on the idea of a holiday. So what? Children don't know what's best for themselves. She can have the 3 nights you are working every week as mini holidays. She has to get used to the dynamic of daddy staying away. What you are suggesting will confuse her.

Or will it make your life easier if you don't have to look after her?

Either way it's not in her best interests.

PaulDacresFeministConscience · 11/06/2017 16:39

I suspect this is a ploy being lined up to kick OP out of the house. He'll keep the DD for a month and then go for full residency and ask for the house and that he be primary carer for both children.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with shared care, provided that both parents have the children's best interests at heart. But this man has done nothing other than demonstrate that the only priority he has is his dick - and that he's quite happy to turn his back on his kids if he's got the opportunity of chasing a shag elsewhere.

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