Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Husband unsure after HIS affair. What do I do?

104 replies

Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 07:53

Hi, new to this so please bear with me. I'm desperate to try and make sense of the situation i'm in. It feels intolerable. My husband (married 7 years, together 14, 2 dcs under 5) recently admitted to a 6 month affair with a work colleague. He had been acting weirdly for ages, was emotionally distant. It all blew up when he blurted out (mid-row) that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Weeks of shitty behaviour followed. He was so vile that I asked him to go to a b&b to sort his head out which he did for a couple of weeks. He eventually asked to come back but was clear that he still felt differently, didn't know if we could work anymore but that he wanted to at least try. Hurtful as it was, I agreed and we booked a Relate appointment which is in a week. But a few days after coming back he admitted to the affair. It was full on, weekends away etc and was ongoing very recently. It only ended because her boyfriend found out. Bizarrely he claims they never had sex. He saY's he is sorry but he is not grovelling. He just keeps coming back to the point that he feels our relationship broke down for him to get to that point. Meanwhile, he works with her every day and still continues to chat to her. I am completely broken, paranoid and acting like a jealous and suspicious wife. He is getting increasingly hacked off. I feel like I can't take much more. Any advice from anyone who has been there? Thank you

OP posts:

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/06/2017 07:54

One question; why are you giving him all the choice in this situation?

I think you need to act purposefully and I think you'll feel much better for terminating the relationship in the long run, no matter how upsetting it's gonna be for now.

Smeaton · 09/06/2017 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 09/06/2017 07:58

I imagine he told you about the affair so you would throw him out and he wouldn't have to be the one to end the marriage. He is a gutless cheater.

Original poster

Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 07:59

I know he has all the control. I'very said this to him but he genuinely doesn't see it like that. I'm not doing anything because i'm terrified of my marriage ending. This has all happened in the space of a few weeks. I can't get my head around it ending that quickly after 14 years and 2 kids.

OP posts:

magoria · 09/06/2017 07:59

What the others say.

Take his choice away from him.

You are not some second class woman to settle for him being unsure. What is so special about his cheating, inconsiderate, selfish arse?

Better to be alone and move on. You deserve better.

C0untDucku1a · 09/06/2017 08:01

He is also a liar. Weekends away and never had sex? Nonesense.

Original poster

Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 08:01

It is definitely all about him him him. I know it makes sense to chuck him out but the practicalities are hideous. I'm financially dependent on him and he has to see the kids so not that simple.

OP posts:

user1495915742 · 09/06/2017 08:01

Would it have ended if her boyfriend hadn't found out? I doubt it. I very much doubt they didn't have sex either.

What do you want? You have the power in this situation not him. I doubt the suspicion and paranoia will ever leave you so I would seriously consider telling him to leave.

C0untDucku1a · 09/06/2017 08:02

dragon your marriage has already ended. What youre left with is a selfish gutless man living in your house, who doesn't actually want to be there and treats you with contempt. That's not a marriage.

magoria · 09/06/2017 08:03

Sorry to be blunt.

Your marriage has ended.

He is just too much of a coward to be the bad guy. So will treat you like shit unto you end it

Smeaton · 09/06/2017 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 09/06/2017 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 09/06/2017 08:04

You're financially dependent nom? Are you on may leave or did you quit your job?

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2017 08:04

Yeah agree with the other posters

He's not sure how he feels but how do you feel? He's cheated on you and he's continuing to see the woman and he doesn't know if he wants to be with you.

I think you need to contact a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 09/06/2017 08:05

I'm afraid the thing you're terrified of, your marriage ending, for all intents and purposes has already happened. I can't imagine how hurt you are, but now is the time to come up with a game plan for the future. Doesn't mean that you can't grieve for the future you are losing. Best of luck to you x

eurochick · 09/06/2017 08:06

He's getting hacked off?!?

Wtf? The man has more front than Blackpool.

Gazelda · 09/06/2017 08:07

Do you want to continue in a marriage where the trust has gone? With a husband who continues to see his ex-mistress? Who spent weekends with her rather than at home with his wife and children? Who is placing the responsibility of his mistakes on you?

If it were me, I'd be finding myself a solicitor, establishing my own financial situation and telling him to leave.

You will find a way to start afresh. Thousands of single parents have had to do it and have been stronger and happier in the long run.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/06/2017 08:08

💐 I'm sorry.

It is a lot to get your head around, but try to hear what people are saying.

He did have sex with her - so he's still lying to you.
He will only admit a fraction of the reality of it all.

You cannot 'make it work' with someone still lying & not remorseful.
You cannot 'make it work' with someone unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions. If he had a problem with your marriage, he owed it to you to discuss it, not have an affair. Often there's nothing wrong with the marriage, it's simply that there was an opportunity & they took it.

HE is getting annoyed?! Typical, but he has NO right.

It's like ripping offf a plaster.

Pack his things, get them taken to his workplace.

Do not listen to his crap. Rebuild your life & look forwards, not backwards.

It's not easy, I know that, but it's what you need to do.

KarmaNoMore · 09/06/2017 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachPearPotato · 09/06/2017 08:09

He's getting hacked off? Bloody cheek.

I'd be tempted to gather all the dignity I could muster and politely go to his office and ask the OW to kindly pass them on to him (I doubt I'd have the guts to do that in reality).

It must be such a shock OP, do your friends know?

What a cowardly time to do it, when presumably you've been busy with small children and man-child there hasn't been getting the attention.

PeachPearPotato · 09/06/2017 08:10

pass on his belongings I mean

Holdingonbarely · 09/06/2017 08:10

This happened to a friend of mine. All he wanted to do was to not carry the guilt. He didn't really want to tell all the truth
She did the pick me dance
He stayed and carried on seeing ow
It's just a mess and a horrific way to live your life.,
She's quite sad really, but she thinks she's won
That is not a life

Holdingonbarely · 09/06/2017 08:13

Depends if you can live your life with your head buried in the sand knowing that certainty when the kids have grown up you will split up
I'm sure the ow will be long gone by then (and probably living a happy life)

Original poster

Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 08:13

Thanks. All sounds sensible but not in a place of strength right now. Not sure what else to say.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2017 08:14

But your marriage is already over. You and he are no longer a team. He is not the husband you had who you knew supported you, wanted the best for you, would never try and hurt you. He's emotionally not in your marriage anymore, he's only looking out for himself.

Time to look after yourself,and your DC.

All marriages that break down have contact arrangements and messy finances to sort. Sadly, many also have the same setup as you with the cheated on wife not feeling able to support herself financially. But you will be able to, and you can't stay in a relationship like this, so eventually you will have to bite the bullet and call it a day.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5