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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unsure after HIS affair. What do I do?

104 replies

Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 07:53

Hi, new to this so please bear with me. I'm desperate to try and make sense of the situation i'm in. It feels intolerable. My husband (married 7 years, together 14, 2 dcs under 5) recently admitted to a 6 month affair with a work colleague. He had been acting weirdly for ages, was emotionally distant. It all blew up when he blurted out (mid-row) that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Weeks of shitty behaviour followed. He was so vile that I asked him to go to a b&b to sort his head out which he did for a couple of weeks. He eventually asked to come back but was clear that he still felt differently, didn't know if we could work anymore but that he wanted to at least try. Hurtful as it was, I agreed and we booked a Relate appointment which is in a week. But a few days after coming back he admitted to the affair. It was full on, weekends away etc and was ongoing very recently. It only ended because her boyfriend found out. Bizarrely he claims they never had sex. He saY's he is sorry but he is not grovelling. He just keeps coming back to the point that he feels our relationship broke down for him to get to that point. Meanwhile, he works with her every day and still continues to chat to her. I am completely broken, paranoid and acting like a jealous and suspicious wife. He is getting increasingly hacked off. I feel like I can't take much more. Any advice from anyone who has been there? Thank you

OP posts:
user1495915742 · 09/06/2017 09:08

That's really sad justputitoff.

LittleMissCrappy · 09/06/2017 09:09

Thing is Op, you are probably exhausted because of the children, and emotionally exhausted, confused, hurt and feel humiliated. And HE is doing this to YOU.

I am afraid it's not about him anymore, it's about you, you need to build your 'army', call on old friends, family, some may judge but many, many will be supportive. Don't underestimate how much people who love you will help you.

He needs out, and from now on your energy need to focuses on you and the children, with him out.

shinysinkredemption · 09/06/2017 09:11

I'm so sorry but have to agree with Magoria

Your marriage has ended. He is just too much of a coward to be the bad guy. So will treat you like shit unto you end it.

Men do this. It's easier. It's also unfair, weak and pathetic.

Gather support from friends and family IRL and work out how to get through one day at a time for now. You truly do deserve so much better.

This is all fresh and you might be thinking "he could change, we could get the magic back" but that possibility seems less likely than years/decades of mistrust, recriminations and repeat offending. In the long run I do think you're better off building a new life for yourself and DC.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/06/2017 09:16

The person who cares the least holds all the power. He does not care a great deal and that is why he is not acting very remorseful.

A relationship requires trust and respect - yours has neither of these now.

You are on the road to hell.

Get your ducks in a row and try to detach from him.

If he was remorseful then that can be different but he isn't so..........

Ledkr · 09/06/2017 09:18

I was like you st first. I had 4 kids, one a baby. I worked shifts, hate diy gardening etc. I just couldn't see how I could end things.
My x wasn't sorry either. He acted as if he was a Martyr giving up his lover.
So one day I just thought "fuck this" I wasn't prepared to write myself off at 36.
I deserved a good life with no doubt and anxiousness.
I knew I'd never feel comfortable with him again or with myself if I stayed.
Worrying I was too fat/ugly/old/boring and that he'd cheat again.
I decided that going it alone although hard, was not as hard as staying.
Get some advice, find out about your rights and entitlements.
Access can be managed.
Maybe a bit if counselling for yourself to make some sense of how you feel.
Good luck x

KeyChange · 09/06/2017 09:18

I can really sympathise OP. My ex had an affair for 6 weeks before I found out. In my case it was clear that we'd have to split - because it was the second time he'd cheated (with someone else). I actually found some emails after he left that suggested there were more incidents. I was devastated as we had 18 month child

What I get from your post is the fact he doesn't seem sorry. He's not fighting to win you back. I'm sorry - you and your children deserve better.

After it happened to me I had a brief spell of "maybe we can overcome this" but I quickly realised it was over and the trust was gone. The first step for me was telling close family and friends, I got strength from their support to move forward.

Over a year later and, though it's been a sad process, I'm relieved that I won't grow old with a man who disregards my feelings and wellbeing for the sake of a shiny new shag. Xx

barrygetamoveonplease · 09/06/2017 09:19

I remember that feeling - the terror that the marriage is ending and life will never be the same. For me, that happened in 1986.

Get legal advice and get rid.

You want him to be a good man, a good husband, a good father. He's not. You'll be ok without him. You'll survive.

Neutrogena · 09/06/2017 09:20

Do not listen to the advice saying 'Pack his bags and kick him out'. There is more than just you here - there are your children to think of, and they cannot process these things in an adult way.

Do what's best for you AND the children, and also you do (I'm afraid to say) need to do the best for your OH.
If he's unhappy/suicidal, then that will affect your kids.

It's difficult - you may want him to leave and that may be the best thing to do, but you need to weigh up a lot of things, unemotionally as possible. Please try and discuss this in real life - a keyboard is no substitute for a face-to-face discussion with someone you trust the opinion of.
Good luck.

Tenshidarkangel · 09/06/2017 09:21

big girl pants on OP!

You realise he has shown no remorse for his actions? None. He settling. He would still be with the OW if he hadn't been caught out and opened his big gob.
You deserve better than this. Pack his bags, show him the door and find the strength in knowing your doing the right thing for you and your kids.

blueshoes · 09/06/2017 09:24

Justputitoff, very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing.

Holdingonbarely · 09/06/2017 09:25

I think justputitoff shows what it's like in the long term.
her poor mother basically sacrificed herself.
And the children always know in the end, because they become adults.
The only people I know who survived are people who tried everything. And worked and worked at staying together
Sadly I think there are a lot of women out there living a half life.
That's what it is, just a half life.
It's very sad for everyone, literally no one wins

HerOtherHalf · 09/06/2017 09:27

I agree with the generally sentiment that your marriage is already over and that he has no remorse, is still lying, only ended it because the boyfriend found out and probably only told you because it was inevitable you were going to find out now anyway. For me there is only one sensible choice for you, as hard as that may be. However, you are clearly in shock and confused, quite understandably. You need to time to come to terms with this, gather your own thoughts and decide what you want to do and how. You cannot do that with him constantly trying to influence you. So my advice would be that right now you need to go completely NC with him to give yourself time and space to think. There is nothing more he can tell you that you need to know to make your decisions, he can only continue to confuse you.

KeyChange · 09/06/2017 09:28

I disagree with neutrogena The OP is not responsible for her OH's happiness. I find it very old fashioned to suggest a woman grins and bares it to preserve the feelings of a man who has made her completely miserable.

Paperdoll16 · 09/06/2017 09:31

What about making contact with the OW's boyfriend as he clearly has more information. Although, does it really make a difference? Probably not. As part of 'the script' they generally..

Lie
Lie
Deny
Admit to 1% or whatever has been found out (probably what the boyfriend knows)
Lie
Lie
Show remorse (if truly sorry)
Gaslight and still act like a victim (if not truly sorry)

OP he is still putting the blame on your relationship failing for his seedy affair. Get rid!

FastAbsorbingCake · 09/06/2017 09:35

Neutrogena, have you read the op's posts.
He had the affair.
He is treating her like shit.
He is showing no remorse for lying to his family for 6 months.
He put OW for his children, time and money spent with her could have been spent on the family.

But OP is meant to suck it all up and put her husband first....really.

I do believe that some relationships can recover from affairs BUT only when the pain that was cause by the person having the affair is acknowledged and they are open and honest.

OP's husband is doing not of this, there is no remorse, he has no respect for the OP or the family unit.

What is best for the children is to have 2 happy parents, they don't need to be together, at the minute they are seeing thier mother been treated with contempt. DC's tend to model thier parents relationships, should OP's children be brought up to think its ok to cheat and treat thier partner with disrespect???

FastAbsorbingCake · 09/06/2017 09:37

Sorry so angry couldn't spell..........

barrygetamoveonplease · 09/06/2017 09:38

What Fast said.

MrsPeelyWaly · 09/06/2017 09:39

OP, you are quite rightly very scared but its far better to be scared because you have taken control of a situation rather than be scared because you are the victim of one.

Many women here will know exactly how you feel, myself included, but by the same token we know we felt better when we were in control of our own life.

Please dont settle for this and please dont use your children as an excuse to not make a move. They deserve far more than a mum who's living scared because she's a victim.

MartinaMartini · 09/06/2017 09:42

Holdingonbarely has hit the nail on the head! You deserve more than a half life with a lying cheating remorseless bastard. You'll go on to bigger and better things once you get rid of that dead weight round your neck.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/06/2017 09:42

Finish it with him. On your terms, not his. You deserve better.

MrsPeelyWaly · 09/06/2017 09:46

And the children always know in the end, because they become adults

Yep, and I only had the courage to do what I was thinking about an awful lot when my adult children said to me, 'take our hands and jump mama'.

They'd had years of seeing me trying to get a happy ending for all of us.

Intransige · 09/06/2017 10:01

If he broke it then it is his responsibility to fix it, and that includes both your relationship with him and his relationship with the family unit as a whole. It's not your job to be the family centre and stabiliser.

Fear is probably what's paralysing you, which is really understandable. And hope mixed in, that it could go back to the way it was. Kill the hope - what was is gone. Can you find anger? Anger tends to drive action, fear doesn't.

barrygetamoveonplease · 09/06/2017 10:04

It's like ripping off a plaster
It really is.

Original poster
Dragonbreath8 · 09/06/2017 10:14

Thanks especially to those who've been through similar.

OP posts:
number1wang · 09/06/2017 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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