Husband unsure after HIS affair. What do I do?

[Dragonbreath8]

Hi, new to this so please bear with me. I'm desperate to try and make sense of the situation i'm in. It feels intolerable. My husband (married 7 years, together 14, 2 dcs under 5) recently admitted to a 6 month affair with a work colleague. He had been acting weirdly for ages, was emotionally distant. It all blew up when he blurted out (mid-row) that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Weeks of shitty behaviour followed. He was so vile that I asked him to go to a b&b to sort his head out which he did for a couple of weeks. He eventually asked to come back but was clear that he still felt differently, didn't know if we could work anymore but that he wanted to at least try. Hurtful as it was, I agreed and we booked a Relate appointment which is in a week. But a few days after coming back he admitted to the affair. It was full on, weekends away etc and was ongoing very recently. It only ended because her boyfriend found out. Bizarrely he claims they never had sex. He saY's he is sorry but he is not grovelling. He just keeps coming back to the point that he feels our relationship broke down for him to get to that point. Meanwhile, he works with her every day and still continues to chat to her. I am completely broken, paranoid and acting like a jealous and suspicious wife. He is getting increasingly hacked off. I feel like I can't take much more. Any advice from anyone who has been there? Thank you

Dragonbreath

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels and it's very difficult to sort your own feelings about your husband and marriage at this stage, particularly as they are being crowded out by worries over financial dependency and what might be best for the children. I'm so sorry you are hurt.

If you can hang in there until next week, before your Relate appointment, please do.

I'm surprised to see so many posters giving (such dramatic) advice without trying to better understand you, your marriage, or the particular circumstances of your relationship.

You've been together a long time, clearly had time to get to know each other before deciding to marry. How would you characterise your relationship in the earlier years?

Were you always financially dependent on him?

Were you always serving the relationship in a "personal assistant" capacity, or was it more equal?

Did you feel emotionally supported by him in your relationship, or was he always distant to some degree?

Is your husband generally prone to being unkind to you when you disagree or when he has Done something wrong?

Do you feel your relationship was breaking down before this affair?

If it was, do you feel any of your actions contributed to that breakdown? Do you think he has any reason to resent you or feel hurt/let down by you?

What is the time frameI'm not clearfor when the affair started, when it ended, and the time he was staying at the B&B?

How did your children react when he moved out? What were they told?

You say you're unsure about having the strength to split, but it seems you had the strength to send him to a B&B. What was it that you expected to happen then?

How important is marriage to you? Do you come from a faith or culture where divorce carries great shame?

Have you told any of your friends or family about this?

How did you feel about yourself before things started going wrong (e.g., before your husband started being emotionally distant)? How do you feel about yourself now?

Do you have ambitions for yourself, professionally or otherwise, or was it your desire and intention to remain in your role as SAHM?

Do you want to stay married to this man? If so, do you you have any conditions?

Sorry, lots of questions. Whatever you choose to dowhether it's chuck him out on his ear and file for divorce or commit to counselling and working to try and rebuild the remains of the relationshipthese are important questions and need to be answered regardless. Your emotions and thoughts will run riot, whichever path you choose. It will be painful and difficult.

The only advice I can give at this stage is to be kind to yourself.

He doesn't want to be with you, everyone is miserable, why are you still there?

Imagine your life 5 years from now - do you really see yourself happily with your DP and you both living and respecting each other?

If not, work at ending it now, so you can move on with your life and help your DC adjust more quickly. Work out your financial position (MN can help with that), make an appointment with a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row. You need to work out your options financially so you know you can leave him, you are not stuck with him forever.

Other than being desperately hurt & feeling understandably broken, I am guessing the main panic is "how will I survive financially if he leaves. ?..."
Just remember, you can survive without him, it is complicated, there is no doubt about that. but The DC will need a loving caring environment to thrive. You are clearly providing this. He absolutely is not.
He has made choices that show this.

Dragon, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, and you sound in absolute shock. I agree that he doesn't seem keen to fix your marriage, and will be lying about not having slept with her.
I think you need some time to think without him being around. The weekend is coming up now. Why don't you leave the kids with him, and go away yourself to a hotel where you can think and have a good cry without having the demands of young children to deal with.
Then, you need to get angry and assert yourself more with him, and stop allowing him to walk all over you.
Have you got friends in RL? Maybe it would help to talk to one of them?
I'm a single parent, and it is very doable and possible to be fulfilled and happy.

OP, please do not pay attention to Netrogena, it is not your responsibility to ensure your OH is happy, not when he has shat all over your marriage and is continuing to treat you appallingly.

Can only echo what has been said, you need to now think of only yourself and your kids and what's the best course of action for you, not him, he trashed his life with you.

Your H sounds a bit like my dad who had an affair with a colleague. My mum tried very hard to keep things together, for all of us, but he kept lying and cheating and things got to the point where he wasn't there physically (because he was with OW) or emotionally because he was too much of a coward to face up to the hurt he's caused, while mum eventually crumbled for a while leaving us pretty much abandoned, emotionally. It wasn't my mum's fault and I don't blame her but I do think things would have been better for all of us if she'd ended it a lot earlier. I'm not sure my dad ever would have ended it - I think the drama was intoxicating for him.

In the long term it left me with some odd ideas about relationships and trust which I didn't really work out until my early 30s and I think that's partly from the situation going on for a prolonged time and being exposed to a lot of the details of the infidelity.

My wish for you OP is to tell him you are worth more, and believe it, and show your DC through your actions that you are.

OP, your situation is nearly exactly the same as I went through 4 years ago (except it had ended a year previously). 2 preschoolers, he'd been vile- treating me like I'd had an affair, complete shock when I found out, yet simultaneously made perfect sense.

Mumsnet was great at the time, the most helpful aspect being challenging me about my ideas of 'failed' marriage and my own prejudices about becoming a single parent. Once I got over that, I felt stronger. I had options once I knew I could be on my own, and that he would have to financially support me.

I coped by telling people in RL. There is too much shame and secrecy around this type of thing. Friends and family were great. They showed me the kindness I needed, kept me company through a lonely time, and crucially helped me feel that I was actually a good, nice person, when he'd made me feel so crap.

I also made him tell his parents and sister what he'd done. Made it more real for him. And I didn't want to be blamed for our problems and his bad moods.

We saw a counsellor, and the this initial conversation I remember as it was so helpful to me:
me: I just don't know what to do or how to behave
counsellor: this is a period of crisis, give yourself permission to not know

We had to have counselling, because we had children. I knew we couldn't go our separate ways without sorting the mess out! We had 10 sessions (again, if you tell people where you're going, there are so many babysitters available suddenly!). Crucially, I feel, we got to a point through that where we felt we could part on friendly terms and would be able to parent effectively together.

For us it was years of cumulative issues that we managed to sort through. The affair was an awful thing, but I believe it was a symptom rather than the cause of our problems.

We are still together, but it was hard for a couple of years. I had to fight his apparent apathy (this lasted a few weeks he would say 'I don't know how I feel or what I want'), especially at the beginning. I worked at it for the sake of who he was when we fell in love and because I believed he could become that person again. And I worked at it because of my children. That is NOT the same as staying with him because of the children. He also worked at it with me.

We're in a really good place now. We're better communicators, we have a new balance in our relationship, and he regularly says he's so glad we're still together. I won't lie- I feel sick if I choose to think about the affair, so I choose not to dwell on that. No need to go over bad memories.

I believe that he was in a bad place and messed up big time (I'm not minimising it- I have been accused on here of being a doormat!) but marriage is sometimes about accepting that people do that and trying to fix it. Also, and this is crucial, I am certain it won't happen again. I am also certain we wouldn't have got to this without the counselling.

This is my personal story. Ultimately it all takes time and you can't control what your DH does. My only direct advice is try and find strength from others, and have counselling to sort things out whether you split or stay together because that is healthier for your children.

Thanks all for the support. Cleareyes, your post is very kind and strikes a chord. I'm fortunate to have RL friends who have been very supportive so i'm not alone. I guess i posted looking for an outside perspective from people who might have experienced this. There can be no doubt he is treating me like shit. I've been trying not to make a big, dramatic decision as my head is a mess which is why, for now at least, i've been putting up with the stats quo. I'm not a SAHM, I work but sporadically throughout the year because of the nature of it so my income (and earning potential) is not massive and not enough to cover everything. But I did get good, initial advice from a lawyer recently and although there is no one size fits all, i know he would have to support me and dcs. So i'm trying not to let pure fear get the better of me. I had hoped that counselling would, if nothing else, help me figure out what I want but trying to figure out if I want him here while we do that. Thank you all.

I disagree with neutrogena The OP is not responsible for her OH's happiness. I find it very old fashioned to suggest a woman grins and bares it to preserve the feelings of a man who has made her completely miserable.

I never said she was - I am saying that the OP must think about others as well as herself. She has children. They must be considered.
OP must not act rashly - by just kicking the OH out on the street, that will damage the children. There are ways of breaking up with someone without the histrionics sometimes touted here.
Overall, I bet you can wait a few weeks before having him leave the house.

Neutrogena, have you read the op's posts.
He had the affair.
He is treating her like shit.
He is showing no remorse for lying to his family for 6 months.
He put OW for his children, time and money spent with her could have been spent on the family.
But OP is meant to suck it all up and put her husband first....really.

OP should not put her OH first. I never said that.
I said that he needs to be considered, as do the children.
If I was a child and my mum ran around like a banshee and dumped all my dad's stuff on the pavement etc, I'd be very distressed.

OH treated OP like sh1t - no denying that.
OP will feel much better about breaking up in an adult way - so no knee jerk responses inspired by keyboard warriors on mumsnet.
No difference in the long run if OP leaves the house tomorrow or after a few weeks.

Letsgotothehills wow, I could've written this. I was also thinking about asking him to speak to his family (he has told nobody whereas I on the other hand have been very open with trusted friends and family and that is helping me massively) to try and get him to face things. I know they would be horrified and my MIL would be devastated (which makes me think twice) Everyone I have spoken to is completely gobsmacked, convinced he has been taken over by aliens or something as it is so so so out of character. He is/was kind, reliable, thoughtful, intelligent and not in the slightest bit emotionally abusive or philandering. But I am not blind to his current behaviour. There are no excuses for him being so disgusting and cruel. Your post rings so many bells. I have no idea if that's where we are heading or if that's even what I want but I absolutely feel shocked and in crisis and need time to think. Thank you so much for sharing, not easy to relive I imagine. Thank you x

I knew a couple where the man left his wife for a "family friend". They also claimed never to have had sex. I didnt believe them either.

Letsgotothehills - that is a powerful post, thank you.

BUT - both parties need to work at it - no good OP working and doing the 'pick me' dance if he is checked out already. And it sounds like he is.

He is not working on HIS mistake, not identifying HIS problems in the marriage - it can't come from one side.

Ptumbi - I completely agree that you can't do it on your own. However, if you can both agree to be civil, you can give the other person time to work things out in their head. He's done wrong, but it's a crisis for him too.

OP- I've just remembered another great piece of advice I received here:

Don't do anything for three months!

Along with the notion of 'period of crisis', it changed everything. I was devastated, grieving for my marriage, the person I naturally wanted to turn to when I was in pain had caused that pain, and I had to keep a smiley face on for the children. I just didn't know what to do. So when a Mumsnet stranger gave me permission (!) not to make any rash decisions, a weight was suddenly lifted. That gave time just to let the dust settle a bit.

I agree with Neutrogena. After so may years together, another few weeks really isn't going to make all that much difference. You'll both be miserable whether you're living together or apart.

Re making him tell his mum- I just felt it was so important for him to have to tell her out loud, and I wanted him to feel ashamed of himself in front of the person who'd taught him right from wrong. And TBH I needed them to give him a kick up the backside and say 'What the hell are you doing? Do you realise what you could lose here?!' as I wasn't getting through. Ultimately, they're his parents, and love him regardless, as your MIL will. If he can talk things through with her, it could help the process.

Is there any way your DH and the OW can not work together? I would find that very hard in your position.

Letsgotothehills good advice again. I am desperately trying not to make rash decisions. On a day to day basis it's so bloody hard though. He is a defensive, arrogant arsehole at the moment so every conversation about the OW turns into "why are you going on about it? I'm here aren't I? " To put this into context, he told me about the OW less than 2 weeks ago and it ended shortly before that. So it's all very raw. For both of us I guess. I've told him he's behaving like a bastard and that i'm almost at the point of no return but he's pretty blank. Just trying to make it to the counselling appt in just over a week. Unfortunately he's stuck working with the OW for the forseeable future but he says he is looking for another job. He says he still says hello, how are you etc because to not do would be impolite... I do not know how he can say that with a straight face but he really can...

I would ask him to move out for a year and sort himself out. If at the end of that time you BOTH feel you want to work at the marriage and go forward then have counselling together and explore the issues as to why this happened. Then decide if you want to take him back, if you feel you can live with what he has done. I agree, he must have had sex with her, and until he can admit that he is just making everything worse. During the time you are apart you can see how you feel, whether you want him back or are much happier on your own. I think it will be very hard to get the trust back though. Six months is a long time to lie and deceive.

Three things that I think I might do in your situation...

Tell his mum what he's done - don't leave it for him to do it.

Go to counselling - on your own. That way, you will have the support you need to make the best decision for you. If you go together, he will make it all about poor little him, and still blame you for everything.

As others have already mentioned, gather together as much paperwork and information you can, especially things like his NI number, tax details, and all pensions/investments and bank & savings account details in his name. Leave all essential documents and copies of paperwork with a trusted family member.

He has spent the last 6 months living a lie. He's got quite good at telling lies, so remember that. Looking for another job? Hmmm...

Sadly letting him remain will mean he continues to treat you with contempt. Making him leave is possibly the only way he will regret his actions. Living in a B and B for a couple of weeks loved up with his ow is romantic and fun. The cold reality of a 1 bed flat, a wife who is sick of you, kids eow, doing your own cooking, washing your own pants, paying maintenance. Especially when his ex wife uses her weekend off to go out.

Yes you may kick him out and he may not miss you, but at the moment he doesn't give a monkeys anyway.

Take back control. Get angry and use that anger.

Hi Dragon I am sorry for what you're going through. Sadly very familiar (with twists) to my story. Just take it hour by hour, day by day. You'll find a way through. MN is great, lots of supportive people with lots of different views, so you can work out what actions would be best for you. Good luck 🌷

also, very good idea to say, I'm away this w/e, the kids are yours. see you Sunday evening...........
Honestly, leave him to it, things can't get any worse

Please file for a divorce.
That is your best option.

What 43percentburn said.

He is treating you with contempt. The only way for you to react and save your sanity is by getting rid of him.

Think about it: would you ever treat him this way? No, you wouldn't. Why? Because you're a decent person. He is not a decent person and that's why he's doing this.

Hi op
My advice is
Tell your close friends and family
Leave h to deal with the kids, arrange to go and see a close friend/ family member and tell your h that he needs to look after the dc.
Stop doing domestic chores for him, he does not deserve that.
Find out all necessary paperwork and make copies e.g. His national insurance number, wage slips, bank account details, pension, etc.
Seek legal advice.
Allow yourself time alone to think.
Arrange wherever possible to have your dc go to their friends houses.
This really helps if you confide in Other parents , you will find they are more than willing to help.
Stop wasting time /energy on things other than yourself and dc.
Be mind to yourself
If it helps seek out the boyfriend and bluntly ask him what he knows. His version of events may throw light on things for you and this might put your mind at rest.
Remember you have gone nothing wrong.
Finally the affair has nothing to do with you as s person.
You could be the kindest most intelligent, beautiful woman on the planet, he had an affair because he could. Simple as that.