Husband unsure after HIS affair. What do I do?

[Dragonbreath8]

Hi, new to this so please bear with me. I'm desperate to try and make sense of the situation i'm in. It feels intolerable. My husband (married 7 years, together 14, 2 dcs under 5) recently admitted to a 6 month affair with a work colleague. He had been acting weirdly for ages, was emotionally distant. It all blew up when he blurted out (mid-row) that he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. Weeks of shitty behaviour followed. He was so vile that I asked him to go to a b&b to sort his head out which he did for a couple of weeks. He eventually asked to come back but was clear that he still felt differently, didn't know if we could work anymore but that he wanted to at least try. Hurtful as it was, I agreed and we booked a Relate appointment which is in a week. But a few days after coming back he admitted to the affair. It was full on, weekends away etc and was ongoing very recently. It only ended because her boyfriend found out. Bizarrely he claims they never had sex. He saY's he is sorry but he is not grovelling. He just keeps coming back to the point that he feels our relationship broke down for him to get to that point. Meanwhile, he works with her every day and still continues to chat to her. I am completely broken, paranoid and acting like a jealous and suspicious wife. He is getting increasingly hacked off. I feel like I can't take much more. Any advice from anyone who has been there? Thank you

Your marriage is already over. LOL @ he didn't have sex with her! Pull the other one!

I understand how lost and overwhelmed you must be feeling. Would it help to mentally 'park' any decisions until you've been to the Relate appt? Have you spoken to anyone in RL?

Send him back to the B&B why you decide what you want.

He has done this, not you. Tell him that every single time he whinges, sighs, complains, indicates you are the problem. He has done this. Not you.

Getting him out of the house while you decide what you want will cut down on a lot of that crap coming from him. You can still go to counselling while he's not staying in the family home. And look into some counselling and legal advice for yourself asap.

He's not in love with you anymore and he's behaving exactly like someone who has fallen out of love ,nothing more. He like you,is trapped in this by his obligations to his mind, he will be worried about splitting the family up and the financial implications of it. None of that can resurrect his feelings though, he cheated because he could and he doesn't feel bonded to you in the same way as before and thats his burden to carry,not yours. You need to end it before you get further hurt, better things are out there.

He could of ended the marriage without an affair.

Yes to legal advise.

You might not feel like you have the strength..Deal with the practicalities.He isn't even trying to make it better.

This is about preervation otherwise I can garuntee this will not be the last.

Thanks. Going to think about this

The other point is that if you "hold" him in a marriage he doesn't want to be in, the resentment will pour from him. At the moment is trickling.

This is all because - to quote a PP - he's a gutless shite that's trying to take the path of least resistance instead of manning up, admitting what he's really done and ending his marriage with respect.

I feel for you OP, it's a lot to take in, I wouldn't wish your situation on my worst enemy.

Dragon I would tell him to leave while you sort your head out.

Then get your ducks in a row, look at the money situation, speak to a solicitor and look at options for getting back to work.

Also, have a good look at the relationships board. Cheating husbands normally cheat again. When the couple do stay together the path is rarely harmonious as it is usually followed by years of mistrust and unhappiness.

I would start looking at your situation if he does leave - sounds like he will anyway.

So find all the documents, start looking round for a solicitor and look at your money situation - if you are working see if you can increase your hours - if not dust your CV off and see what options you have work wise and what benefit you can claim - help you might get with childcare costs.

If having him round is unhelpful - ask him to leave for a bit again so you can make a start of thinking for yourself and the DC.

I image it's all very scary - but he doesn't sound committed so yes go to the relate sessions but also start looking how to go forward by yourself.

Ok, you are not necessarily ready to act or in a position of control. For the moment, I would create some emotional distance, don't talk to him about your feelings or his, only practicalities. Any conversations about your relationship have to be scheduled, and on your terms. Go out and see some friends or family and get some space to talk and think. Start to imagine what life will be like seperated, so you are mentally lreoared if that is a choice you make or a choice he makes.

Agree with PP he probably DOESNT want to break up but because it's messy and awful not because he loves you. I'm sorry. Also I saw from a friends Ex he went through months of pointless relationship therapy which went no where and I think it was so he could say he had tried it all before leaving - and he was a dick because he wanted HER to be the one to end the marriage
In fact he's never admitted to an affair although there is much suspicion and circumstantial evidence and she never wanted to end the marriage and yet he's persuaded her to be the one to file for divorce ! The mind boggles

Admit to yourself however hard and painful that he is done with the marriage and if he's hanging around giving false hope it is only because he thinks it might make his own life easier than the alternative of divorce would be

Prepared

Dragon - pull yourself together. I mean this in the nicest possible way. I know you are poleaxed but your duty is to yourself now. Follow the good advice and support you are being given here. Don't let yourself be walked over - fight, fight, fight.

Put yourself and your kids first.

You'll look back in a years' time and realise you did the right thing. Self-respect is priceless!

. What a horrible situation. Have you got RL support? Parents or friends who can help you?

It's hard to face the fact that you need to leave when it's far easier to stay in the comfort zone even if it's not making you happy. That goes for both of you.

He's mentally checked out of your marriage even if he's still physically there.

He has no right to feel hard done by. If he was seriously trying to save the relationship he would see why it's so hard for you. I agree that he wants you to finish it so that he can keep his mental image of himself as the "good guy who tried to save the marriage" and "it's you who is putting the obstacles in the way of doing so as you won't let things go"

I am not sure if this is helpful, but I have seen this from the other side of the fence....I discovered in my teens that my father had cheated (and even moved out for a few months to be with ow) but my mother had taken him back because she didn't feel she could cope financially on her own, and she didn't want me and my sister to grow up in a single parent family. From my point of view as a child is was the best thing she could have done - I grew up in a stable nuclear family, he earned plenty of money to support us, and they went on to have my younger sibling. I knew nothing about the past troubles at the time. There were undoubtedly happy periods for all of us, including my mother. HOWEVER looking back now she never regained her self confidence, always felt he was looking elsewhere and comparing her to other women, and I am pretty sure he went on to have subsequent affairs throughout their marriage - always denied, she was always labelled the paranoid mistrusting wife. He was often very unkind to her, and as a pp said treated her as a sort of PA. It was like he had realised that when push came to shove she wouldn't LTB, so he could pretty much behave how he liked. I am now in my late 30s and have no respect for him now. Particularly as once we all left home she began to suffer from depression - I guess her reason for living was over....My mother recently died, but always said she still loved him so would never have left, even once we had all left home, so he 'won' really.
So I am not sure what my advice is - as a child of parents in this position I can only be grateful for my mother's sacrifice, but from the point of view of her happiness I cannot be sure it was worth it. Basically she put her life on the line for her children - maybe you need to decide if you are prepared to do that? In her position I am not sure I could be so selfless....

You don't deserve this and how he is treating you is a reflection on him not you.Any man who prioritised himself when the dc are young is selfish, weak and immature.

Sadly I agree his words and actions show he wants out but like you is fearing the consequences.
I know you are likely to still feel you love him as this has come as a shock.Once the shock wears off you will see how badly he is treating you and the man you thought you knew and loved has gone.In some ways it's like a bereavement.

It's heart breaking as with 2 young children you will feel vulnerable but there are always ways to separate and sort finances.

Please don't let money be the reason you tolerate his poor treatment of you.He won't respect you and you can't make him love you again.

Do you have family or friends that you can call on for support?

He is lying 're no sex.Sadly if you have been intimate with him you may need to get checked.

At least go and get some legal advice even if you decide to do nothing right now. Get your paperwork in order, get transferring money, make sure you know where everything is.

Get some power back.

And ffs of course they had sex. Bastard

So sorry this has happened to you OP. My top tip for dealing with knobs like this- get, and stay angry til you've sorted some practicalities out.

A 6 month, if not longer, affair (there will have been sex) is not a drunken indiscretion. It takes energy and a complete lack of empathy to maintain that level of deceit, for that amount of time.

'he keeps coming back to the point where our relationship broke down for him to get to that point' It sounds like he's trying to devolve himself of responsibility and pass it onto you! This is completely HIS fault, if you've got relationship problems the solution is NOT sleeping with someone else!

TBH I'd only be using the Relate appointment, if you keep it to discuss separation practicalities. We went to Relate- I stopped being angry and started being bloody empathetic, and put myself through 2 more years of shit til it all blew up again but in a bigger and more disasterous way. Liars don't change.

You say you're not in the mindset for much, but I'd suggest whilst he's at work gather together all the paperwork you can i.e. His wage slips, pension statements etc. Photocopy them and secret them somewhere- preferably someone else's house. And then get some legal advice/ contact Citizens Advice. I left the copying paperwork too late and it's making sorting divorce more difficult.

Time to get legal advice as to your options and entitlements. Your husband isn't acting like he wants to be in this marriage and you deserve better.

Just to clarify, the original affair was way back - my sister and I were only 3 and 1...

Sadly I agree, there is little hope of rewinding & getting back to how it you thought it was. He has been lying for 6 months.
Your H isn't sorry, isn't even trying to make it work. he is miserable & longing for "something else"
Of course he shagged this girl. What you should be asking is has he done a STI test & get yourself one.
You must use this interim to get copies of his pay slips, pension, house deeds, savings, any relevant finances. You are married, everything is half yours.You do not have to move,
You get to the CAB, & find out what steps you need to take.
This getting information before he moves/hides or manipulates "his" finances. Store these copies out of the house, at your Mum/sis/friends. along with your kids birth certs & passports.
You change your phone & computer log in, you disactivate any joint clouds. fb etc
You remove half the money in any joint saving account, you open a new bank account in your name, & change any existing account/ card PIN
.
So you are prepared yourself, before he carries on doing exactly what he wants, which is waiting until he can't pretend any more, & will have already set up a flat somewhere & leaves.
re vamp your CV
Change the power game. You need to dust off the dependent SAHM persona. you are not just a dependent. You have worked to make & house & a home. You need to start getting angry.