Struggling with DC and feel hurt that DPs don't help

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm finding myself increasingly hurt and resentful of my DM and it's affecting our previously close relationship. I really don't want to fall out with her, but I'm not sure how to proceed.

DH and I have two DC: 4 and 1. DC2 is a delight, but an appalling sleeper. This is mainly due to illness and food intolerance issues, which cause him discomfort and wake him up. We're working with the GP to fix things, and it is very very slowly getting better, but at this point we've had 7 months of very disrupted and fragmented sleep and we are both exhausted. DC2 wakes evening and night so evenings are often absorbed by dealing with him, with the result that DH and I often don't eat together and it's fairly rare that we even get to watch an hour of tv together without having to pause it for one of us to sort DS2 out, which all adds to that sense of never being off duty IYSWIM. It was just about manageable when I was on maternity leave, but add in full time work (even in a very flexible job) and commuting and I feel at breaking point: tired, constantly tearful, stressed, very very down.

My DPs live 15 miles away. DF still works full time but DM is retired. She is in her early 60s with no significant health issues. I visit regularly with the boys and they are wonderful grandparents, but they very rarely have either or both of them alone. They used to babysit DC1 in the evening fairly regularly, but haven't since DC2 was born. DM did look after them both for a couple of hours so we could visit schools for DC1 and they have had DC1 once overnight since DC2 was born.

Now, I know that they are my children, not my DPs' and that my DPs no doubt feel (quite rightly!) that their child-rearing days are over and they are under no obligation to look after them. That's fine. I get that- I agree with that, completely. But I am really really struggling and my DM knows that. Moreover, I know how much help both sets of DGPs gave my DPs when I was a child (childcare, financial, DIY, gardening- you name it). DM also regularly visits her sister and helps her out with cleaning/household stuff. I can't help but feel that if in 30 years time one of my DC and their partner were in a similar situation, I would want to help, because they're my children and I love them and I would want to make things easier for them. Even if it were sodding hard work and even if it knackered me, I would want to help. I feel hurt that my DM doesn't seem to want to help. And the longer it goes on the more hurt I feel.

Rationally, I know my DM hasn't done anything wrong, but emotionally, I'm really struggling with it. Being chronically sleep deprived probably isn't helping at all- I'm very emotional/quick to anger etc at the moment. But I need to work out a way of getting past this because it's affecting my relationship with DM- I really don't want to see or speak to her at the moment and I feel horrible about it.

Help!

Also, you get from a relationship what you have put in.

I had a fantastic relationship with my GP, because of everything they did for my parents and my self.

Children are not stupid, they don't automatically love someone just because they're call Nanny or grandad. They love you and get excited to see you because of all the memories they have.

I don't really understand people who expect their parents to help out with the children.

It's one thing to expect GPs to have a relationship with their GC - that is fair enough - but childcare? No. They've already done their chidlcare with you, their child. They don't owe you childcare for your own children.

Karma will come to those that feel a daughter should pay for an hours break rather than ask her beloved mother

One day when you can't look after yourself no more, and you wish for someone that you love to come and make you a cup of tea/ care for you, I hope you remember your own advice and pay a complete stranger to do it

If I believed in karma I'd argue that it would come to those who didn't recognise that bringing up one set of children is enough; who would punish a parent for an entitled and entirely erroneous belief that they are owed childminding.

Did you read my posts tatiana? What about in that situation?

I feel for you OP. My DM never helped me in any way at all when my 3 DC were young. I really struggled with the sheer exhaustion of it all. When I was rushed to hospital it was her own mother, my gran, who looked after 3 month old DS.
I could never do nothing if I saw DDs or DIL struggling and i do as much as I can for all the DGC. Everybody benefits including me.

I feel very sad for people who don't want to get to know their DGC, or have a relationship with them. Personally, I think that's pretty fucked up.

My inlaws have only grudgingly looked after my DC when asked for emergency childcare e.g. when I needed surgery. They are the ones missing out. They literally can't see past themselves.

Whilst GP are under no obligations to provide childcare; it's very sad that they don't want to be involved in their DGC's lives.

Twice a week I have my husband Nan come over. We pick her up, have a nice home cooked meal with her, she has the company of myself, husband and our 3 children.

It would be so much easier for me for me to say, 'you have the money, pay someone else, because I have enough on my plate' but I we do this because nothing beats having someone you love give their time and effort towards you.

The OP is not expecting regular child care, she would just like a little support from people she loves. Yes we can 'pay someone else to have our children' to give us a little break, but at the end of the day the resentment will still be there because all she would like is her Mum to ring and say 'why don't I come over, and make you a hot cup of tea, take the baby for a walk and you can have 5mins peace.

Agree candle. Her mum is also missing out on so much too :(

that sounds lovely candle

Agree candle - a little kindness goes a long way.

Op why aren't you also feeling upset with your dad? I know he still works but he has each evening and weekend free and is perfectly able to babysit for a few hours. You seem to have totally focused on your mum's lack of support instead of their lack of support.

Most people on this thread have commented on their own dms help, or lack of it, and have said nothing about their dad's. Could you explain to your dad that you really need a break?

Also it seems that your mum did used to help before your second child came along. Maybe she finds looking after two very hard.

My dad is dead so there's limited babysitting opportunity for him

Thank you weasel and ssd, she's 94, lives in her own. I can't imagine the loneliness she feels sometimes.

To go from where we are now, stressed but a busy house fall of children, our husbands etc to being on her own,

When we ask for help with the children, it's not necessarily the actual task of child care but for someone to recognise you need a break and for them to give their time to you.

It's the same as Nan, she's not my Nan but I understand she needs me, she needs the company of my children and a bloody hot meal in your belly can do wonders!

and I bet she goes away with a wee tupperware box with some left overs to heat up the next day, my mum always did this too

She does

I had our son late (40), my parents - his GP - are in their 70s and live three hours away. So I don't have the option of asking my parents for even an occasional break from caring for him.

My friend sadly lost her mum very suddenly to cancer when her son was a toddler. She doesn't even have the option of a Mum to give her a break.

ssd that is an incredibly lovely story about your 80 year old mum sitting in the car so you could sleep. Seriously touching. It made me happy to read it...

I am having a pity party for one here as my mum and dad both died when I was young and they were young and my children have no grandparents (husband had elderly parents, both dead too).

My parents would've made fantastic grandparents and it's stories like yours, ssd that really get to me, in a nice way.

Sorry I went off piste and sympathies to the OP...

I'm sorry power . I miss my parents all the time but I had mum up until she was elderly. I'm sorry you didn't have that, and your mum and dad didn't get to be grandparents. You must feel really cheated and sad. Its horrible sometimes the way life turns out, just unfair really. My kids have no grandparents either now, haven't had any since they were small.

Aw thank you so much ssd...I do feel cheated and sad, you are so right. But I am trying not to be bitter. I am so sorry you are in a similar situation with no grandparents for your children. It's hard.

And I killed the thread

Such sad stories on here from mums on their knees from exhaustion whose mums won't help out, and mums with no one to help out.
I would love to have a daughter and grandchildren to help out. Virtual hugs to all of you.

I've often thought, I'd love to set up a sort of website for mums/women to get support from each other, I mean mums/women who dont have other women for support...and to have another mum know how you feel....dh is great but doesn't get how I feel

I know its a daft idea but I just think there's so many of us out there needing support and it's impossible to find, I'd love to visit someone and have them in our lives, but I cant do befriending yet, it feels too much like I'd be looking for my mum and it would break my heart.

I dont know the answer, really.

ssd I can tell you are a nice woman!

I am lucky to have a dh who was brought up surrounded by women so is pretty close to being a woman but not quite - I know exactly what you mean. What would also be good is surrogate grandparents - an older person who is lonely gets given a family with no grandparents.

yes that would be a great idea

(thanks for the compliment )

What would also be good is surrogate grandparents - an older person who is lonely gets given a family with no grandparents.

Yes that's a very good idea.