Struggling with DC and feel hurt that DPs don't help

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm finding myself increasingly hurt and resentful of my DM and it's affecting our previously close relationship. I really don't want to fall out with her, but I'm not sure how to proceed.

DH and I have two DC: 4 and 1. DC2 is a delight, but an appalling sleeper. This is mainly due to illness and food intolerance issues, which cause him discomfort and wake him up. We're working with the GP to fix things, and it is very very slowly getting better, but at this point we've had 7 months of very disrupted and fragmented sleep and we are both exhausted. DC2 wakes evening and night so evenings are often absorbed by dealing with him, with the result that DH and I often don't eat together and it's fairly rare that we even get to watch an hour of tv together without having to pause it for one of us to sort DS2 out, which all adds to that sense of never being off duty IYSWIM. It was just about manageable when I was on maternity leave, but add in full time work (even in a very flexible job) and commuting and I feel at breaking point: tired, constantly tearful, stressed, very very down.

My DPs live 15 miles away. DF still works full time but DM is retired. She is in her early 60s with no significant health issues. I visit regularly with the boys and they are wonderful grandparents, but they very rarely have either or both of them alone. They used to babysit DC1 in the evening fairly regularly, but haven't since DC2 was born. DM did look after them both for a couple of hours so we could visit schools for DC1 and they have had DC1 once overnight since DC2 was born.

Now, I know that they are my children, not my DPs' and that my DPs no doubt feel (quite rightly!) that their child-rearing days are over and they are under no obligation to look after them. That's fine. I get that- I agree with that, completely. But I am really really struggling and my DM knows that. Moreover, I know how much help both sets of DGPs gave my DPs when I was a child (childcare, financial, DIY, gardening- you name it). DM also regularly visits her sister and helps her out with cleaning/household stuff. I can't help but feel that if in 30 years time one of my DC and their partner were in a similar situation, I would want to help, because they're my children and I love them and I would want to make things easier for them. Even if it were sodding hard work and even if it knackered me, I would want to help. I feel hurt that my DM doesn't seem to want to help. And the longer it goes on the more hurt I feel.

Rationally, I know my DM hasn't done anything wrong, but emotionally, I'm really struggling with it. Being chronically sleep deprived probably isn't helping at all- I'm very emotional/quick to anger etc at the moment. But I need to work out a way of getting past this because it's affecting my relationship with DM- I really don't want to see or speak to her at the moment and I feel horrible about it.

Help!

I think that's a little harsh Wolfie - saying in the same situation you'd like 'a little time for yourself'. OP isn't asking for regular help or even a huge commitment but a one off helping out here and then when she's struggling but her DM is choosing to focus her caring efforts elsewhere. That's very hurtful.

I really think you need to look at this that they just do not want to do it
Guilting them into it with any of these suggestions given is not a good plan, it will just make you and DC feel worse and be more strained.
You need to unfortunately let go of this hope and dream about your mum and just accept it will not happen. You need to look for alternatives (paid help I think is your best bet, or friends)

I'm not being harsh to be mean I am being realistic that I don't think she will ever tell you the honest truth that she cannot be bothered and does not enjoy caring for small children, and she doesn't have any sympathy for your situation as you have a DH and chose to go back to work.

I am not saying it is right for her to feel this way but it's quite clear she does and all this hoping is just making you sad. Stop waiting around for her and just relegate them to occasional visits

Also I say this from the POV of also having a useless mum. She does not like holding or carrying babies, does not like mess or feeding them (she panics she will drop them or they will choke so she's never even attempted this with any of her 4 Grandchildren). She only likes to babysit kids who are fully independent. I.e. Teenagers....

I love my kids to bits. But I am sorry. I won't be dropping everything to look after their kids

I sort of agree. I do look after my dgd on occasions but it was very, very hard when she was small as she just wanted to be with her mother. It is actually a lot easier being the mother in that sense.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. Maybe you could have your mother over more so that she and DC2 can bond more and then she might be more willing to help.

Her mother's just selfish and self absorbed, that's what's hurting the op.

She doesn't want or expect her mum to drop everything and run to her or even to commit to babysitting say one night a month, she knows her mum and dad have other things they like to do.

BUT she's on her knees and her family and her will be suffering.

Is it too much to hope your mum might notice and might actually want to lend a hand, even if it means cancelling something they normally do, or going out her way once in awhile or even doing something you don't really want to do??

Am sure if her mum called her and said somethings happened to me or dad, we're struggling badly, please can you come round this week the op would arrange her schedule so she could be there, it's really not expecting too much for her own mum to want to do the same.

I'm guessing her mum will be early to mid 60's, that generation are bloody up their own arses in a I'm alright Jack sort of way. A lot of them had things easier than this generation and walk around with their gold rimmed blinkers on, cos it suits them.

I don't think the OPs parents are being selfish. They have raised their children and had no say in being grandparents or having two close together.

The OP and her DH made a choice, it's not down to her parents to facilitate that choice.

A paid sitter would be a much better option.

I think she just finds two children too much and doesn't want to take one without the other or thinks it would be selfish to do so.

The thing is you have said that essentially she is a good person so just ask her outright if she could have your youngest for the night

Have you tried asking for sleeping help on the other boards???

Thanks everyone for your perspectives.

I'm as sure as I can be that she doesn't hold back because she is worried about caring for them/feels unable to comfort them/doesn't feel bonded to them. She sees a lot of them and they have a lovely bond. She's an adoring GM and wants to see them (she rang earlier to ask if we're going round at the weekend because she hasn't seen them for a couple of weeks and misses them). What she doesn't want to do is the childcare. And I get that, I really really do. Caring for small children is bloody hard work and I don't blame her for not wanting to look after them.

But I do feel hurt that she doesn't want to look after me, and isn't prepared to put herself out for me a little bit when she knows just how much I'm struggling at the moment. I know it's my own fault for choosing to have children. And I have childcare options. But I am sad that I don't have the relationship with my mum that I thought I did.

Why not ask your inlaws for help?

You could be underestimating the effect of any minor health niggles she/they have.
Also driving after dark with older eyes can be harder too.

Any chance of a night nanny? Otherwise, I'd alternate childcare nights with dh so every other night you'd be undisturbed.

I don't believe for one minute she's doesn't love them: my unhelpful mother also loves her GC dearly. She just does not wish to have any kind of childcare role. She's also never done a scrap of housework to help me and i am a single mum.
She's even been rubbish when I have been ill and needed her as I had no one else in the world to ask. I have accepted her help is limited and will never extend to the dream I wish it would, that I see other women receive. And no I won't be that kind of mother myself. It's like a kind of grief that the mother you wished you had doesn't actually exists... ok it makes you think what is the point of being a mother if you don't help your kids? But that is because she's 'done her time' in nappies and mashed potato and now she wants to retire into a quiet life. She gave you all she had now it's your turn.

I would ask her to come over to see them and then just get on with some jobs

I have had both sides of this experience. My parents helped a good bit with my elder children but were less involved with my younger ones. They had aged and got ill in between me having the children. I was grateful for the help and had to balance out what I wanted for my children and the amount of help that I got. It would seem unreasonable to complain about things when people were helping.
I now have grandchildren from the older children. I have been out on emergency situations at all times of the day and night. I am happy to help especially in emergencies. When I am babysitting in more normal circumstances I don't really like what happens. I keep the parent informed of where I am with DGC. I ask permission to take kids places. When I babysit at the houses I don't mind at all helping with housework. I do come in for criticism quite often that I have put an item of clothing in the wrong person's pile or that I have not hoovered properly. I think I have just about mastered housework! It is disheartening to give up your time, to run at a moment's notice and to be criticised.
I have had health problems and not always in good shape but still I try to babysit when asked. The other side of the coin is that my older children do nothing to help with my health problems or general old age and not to fit now problems.
It really does have to be a two way street.
There was a thread on here ages ago about how Mumsnetters would not take care of their elderly parents. That was strange when there are also threads about grandparents not doing enough.

It is also very easy to say when you are thirty odd years of age how much you want to babysit your fictional grandchildren, I said the same myself.

OP I could have written this, bar a few details.

DC are same age as yours and my youngest has digestive/food issues and is a dreadful sleeper.

My DPs are much further away and older, they help my DSIS out a lot with her (older, easier) DCs though. They find my children hard work and exhausting even just being in the same house. No one has had either child overnight ever. We couldn't leave them with GPs anyway as they're practically strangers.

All I can advise is to ask for very specific help, accept you may not get it, and to look after yourself.

Both DH and I developed mental health issues through exhaustion, worry, sleep deprivation and lack of self care.

We ended up using savings to pay for help. Sad that it costs £10 an hour to get a little break from the relentlessness but better that than get very ill.

FWIW we seem to be reclaiming our evenings a bit as DC2 gets closer to 18 months.

It's very painful to tell your DPs you are depressed and ill dealing with a situation like this and still not get any help. I too struggle with resentment.

Pookie
You're right- it's a kind of odd grief for the parent you wish you had.

Atenco
I'm not saying how much I will want to babysit at all! I'm saying that if my child were really struggling I'd want to try and help somehow.

Puglife
I'm terribly sorry to hear you're in the same boat. It's very hard isn't it. I know you never know what you're going to get with kids, but you really think you're going to be through the crippling sleep deprivation after a year. Long term sleep deprivation takes such a toll. I'm just about afloat mental health wise but I'm aware that I'm close to the edge- which I think is why the situation with my DM is upsetting me so much. Glad your DC2 is improving now- hope everything continues to move in the right direction.

Yanbu. Op is not asking for much she us on her knees and at the most physically demanding stage of parenting. In the circs she describes (local gp, good health quite young, got loads of help from their parents) I think the parents should be ashamed. Would it kill them to have the kids for 24 hours one weekend so parents can have a break? Would mean so much to op.

Sorry but there are a sizeable minority of that boomer generation who are supremely selfish. My parents are great and many of their friends do full on childcare while their dc work which personally I think is the adults kids being grabby and entitled.

My in laws are like ops parents. We asked for their help once to attend a close family members wedding that all my family were at and they bailed for a made up reason. Dh remembers summer after summer at his paternal gps whilst in laws worked

Oh op I have been there (with a poorly baby/ toddler with digestive issues) and it really is hard, I am very lucky as my Mum would come out and stay when my husband worked away. She would take the baby out of my arms in the morning and take toddler into the living room and watched them whilst I slept. They adore my Mum now. I was a sahm though and had a health problem that had the potential to get much worse with exhaustion.

When my husband was home he would strap our daughter into her pram/ car seat and take her out for a walk/ drive in the evening. Nine times out of ten that worked (at least until the car stopped/ we lifted her into her cot/ bed) My Mum would rock my daughter in her pram in the living room, that didn't always work but it helped so that I could get my ds to sleep. Would your youngest sleep better in beside you op? I know that when my daughter was in pain, I would take her in with me with a little heated bear on her tummy (it was warm rather than hot ) and when she started pulling her knees up I would rub her tummy/ cycle her legs and often releasing wind really helped. Then I could fall back to sleep easier than if she had been arching her back and screaming. We were fortunate that we knew the cause of our dd's digestive issues (she is coeliac and this can also cause lactose intolerance), however they appeared the day she was born and we spent months with a screaming baby who was in absolute agony which was torture (100% because I couldn't help her), thankfully lactose free formula gave us a reprieve of around three months until she started weaning and it started all over again.

You are holding down a full time job, would your parents come to stay at the weekend and take the children in the morning to let you sleep? Or could you and the children go to your Mothers and they could take over in the morning? My dd would have nobody but me when she was in pain and tbh I couldn't have given her to Mum overnight knowing how distressed she would be.

I don't see in your post if your dh's parents are alive/ live close? As that could also be an option? If you and the children went there with dh and they took over in the morning to let you/ dh sleep? I was also not beyond running a warm bath at 1am to help with dd's tummy.

It does get better, once we figured out the cause we had some nights when she was pain free. I feel awful looking back, as we thought as long as we made dd's food gluten free she would be OK. But dd was so, so sensitive to gluten that unless we got it out of the house completely, she was accidentally ingesting it. Dd is seven now and its very rare she accidentally ingests gluten. I hope that between your gp/ the dietician you can find the cause.

It's very frustrating OP. My DM and MIL BOTH had regular help from their parents but in this day and age they seem to think that we don't want the same.

For me that is the most frustrating part, I could understand more if they never had any help so they don't think we do. But their parents came from a generation were you did help so raise kids. Somewhere along the line we have lost the "it takes a village to raise a child' mantra 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm 27, so my mother is only 47 but is too tired and my MIL has a very needy boyfriend, so most of the last 10 yrs have been spent around him.

She often says if I was still with my DIL then she would help out more but things are too exciting now with the new boyfriend

Sorry OP, I do understand how hurtful it is. I have no help at all from either of my DParents. They were crap parents to me and it's been very painful that they are not very good grandparents (esp DM). I genuinely did not expect this. I had made all sorts of excuses for them in my head, about why when I was a child they were unable to be better with me.
My DM makes it worse by complaining about how much she wants to see my DC while making no effort to do that. (I make no effort to stop her!) she lives in our village.

However I have stopped proactively suggesting days out etc with my DC because frankly I have to look after my own mental health around her/them. The self centred attitude underlines all over again how unparented I was. I have felt very depressed by my DM behaviour to her DGC and lack of interest towards me.
I imagine some kind of counselling could help- I have anxiety- I did ask (in the middle a mini breakdown about all this) for my parents to have the DGC or come here on a regular slot so I could do it. Nothing late night or taxing for them. I didn't ask my DM because she would have laughed and said I was being ridiculous, but my DF said yes he would come over to mind the DC and then he never mentioned it again and hasn't asked how I am since.

Oh btw we had weeks at our DGPs when we were kids in the holidays and overnights every week. Thank goodness looking back. They were lovely people.

The only way forward it perhaps to be quite blunt and state examples of other families being helped by their grandparents.

polly from my own experience I tried that- my parents value their own time higher than that of others.

Maybe put the bairn in nursery one day a week so you can catch up on some sleep?