Struggling with DC and feel hurt that DPs don't help

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm finding myself increasingly hurt and resentful of my DM and it's affecting our previously close relationship. I really don't want to fall out with her, but I'm not sure how to proceed.

DH and I have two DC: 4 and 1. DC2 is a delight, but an appalling sleeper. This is mainly due to illness and food intolerance issues, which cause him discomfort and wake him up. We're working with the GP to fix things, and it is very very slowly getting better, but at this point we've had 7 months of very disrupted and fragmented sleep and we are both exhausted. DC2 wakes evening and night so evenings are often absorbed by dealing with him, with the result that DH and I often don't eat together and it's fairly rare that we even get to watch an hour of tv together without having to pause it for one of us to sort DS2 out, which all adds to that sense of never being off duty IYSWIM. It was just about manageable when I was on maternity leave, but add in full time work (even in a very flexible job) and commuting and I feel at breaking point: tired, constantly tearful, stressed, very very down.

My DPs live 15 miles away. DF still works full time but DM is retired. She is in her early 60s with no significant health issues. I visit regularly with the boys and they are wonderful grandparents, but they very rarely have either or both of them alone. They used to babysit DC1 in the evening fairly regularly, but haven't since DC2 was born. DM did look after them both for a couple of hours so we could visit schools for DC1 and they have had DC1 once overnight since DC2 was born.

Now, I know that they are my children, not my DPs' and that my DPs no doubt feel (quite rightly!) that their child-rearing days are over and they are under no obligation to look after them. That's fine. I get that- I agree with that, completely. But I am really really struggling and my DM knows that. Moreover, I know how much help both sets of DGPs gave my DPs when I was a child (childcare, financial, DIY, gardening- you name it). DM also regularly visits her sister and helps her out with cleaning/household stuff. I can't help but feel that if in 30 years time one of my DC and their partner were in a similar situation, I would want to help, because they're my children and I love them and I would want to make things easier for them. Even if it were sodding hard work and even if it knackered me, I would want to help. I feel hurt that my DM doesn't seem to want to help. And the longer it goes on the more hurt I feel.

Rationally, I know my DM hasn't done anything wrong, but emotionally, I'm really struggling with it. Being chronically sleep deprived probably isn't helping at all- I'm very emotional/quick to anger etc at the moment. But I need to work out a way of getting past this because it's affecting my relationship with DM- I really don't want to see or speak to her at the moment and I feel horrible about it.

Help!

I agree with a pp that it's a two way street.

I hope that those posters who aren't willing to help with grandchildren don't hold their breath waiting for help in their old age.

It's all a bit selfish and depressing really.

Karma will come to those that feel a daughter should pay for an hours break rather than ask her beloved mother.

One day when you can't look after yourself no more, and you wish for someone that you love to come and make you a cup of tea/ care for you, I hope you remember your own advice and pay a complete stranger to do it.

karma doesn't exist, unfortunately

there are those who give and those who take and really that's all there is to it

if you are a giver and see your mum or dad needing help in their old age, you will help them, despite what happened with your young kids, you'll help them because you are a decent person and you wouldnt turn your back on someone needing help, esp when that someone is family

conversely if you're a taker, you won't notice if someone needs help and even if you do notice, it won't bother you...even if you had loads of help yourself and know the benefit of it.

I certainly wouldn't resent her for not taking on two toddlers in her 60s.

That isn't what the OP is asking her mum to do. Whoever said she wants her mum to take them on? She wants her mum to show her she cares by offering to help out for a couple of hours on occasions.

I help my friends when they are struggling, I help my family because I am kind and I want to help the people I love. That's pretty normal for most humans I would have thought. If you can stand by and see the people you love on their knees and not help out at some point when you can then you are selfish, mean and will probably reap what you sow in later life.

I could never stand by and watch my child struggle and not help out occasionally.

Having the 'you had them, don't ask me for help' attitude really sucks. No one should expect their parents to help with child care regularly. I do expect my own mother to want to help me out if I'm really struggling sometimes because she loves me. Just like I help her out in different ways when she needs me and no doubt when she is older I will be helping her a lot more. Because that is what a kind and loving family does.

But that's the point isn't it. I think you are displacing your anger onto your mother as a way to deflect from feeling angry at yourself. I mean, before you had a child, did you ever discuss regular childcare with your servant mother? I don't mean that you had to run your birth plans by her but did you actually discuss with her what she was capable of? Probably not. Did she agree to any of this?

What the fuck are you going on about

Talk about hyperbole.

agree u2, what a load of shite , some people here talk right out their arse

I find some of the people on this thread to have pretty awful characters. Sorry, but this is a grandparent being asked to help out occasionally with a couple of hours childcare?

Most grandparents I know can't wait to have their grandchildren over, they don't need to be coerced into it.

For the PP who said take it in turns at night with your partner, the OP has already stated they do. She also does pay for childcare as she works.

so you may want to RTFT before offering nonsense solutions.

The OP is struggling with two things, one being exhaustion and the other being the lack of care that her DM is showing.

For all the arguments about "the GCs are her responsibility", when I had DC, I took on the responsibility of them. I also assume (and hope) that in time I have DGC, by having my own children I took on that fact and have some responsibility to them, I entered into family life. For me it wasn't I've had you, when you reach 18 or get married or have your own DC, I'm not responsible anymore. It's more I had you, I'll be there when you need me, as you're my child, your children are also part of me.

However, my children did not choose to be born so have no responsibility to me, although I hope that they will be there to help in my old age. So for all that think that GPS should turn their backs on the situation, then think that your children may turn their backs on you.

OP, I would gladly help you out for a couple of hours! Where do you live?

That sounds tough OP. I have no family support nearby & it is really tough when your kids are so young.

Would you consider going part-time? It sounds like you are at the end of your tether (I have been there too). Maybe you need to see a GP?

I found the 1st year back at work after maternity leave the worst; it does get better. But I remember being totally frazzled & on the brink all the time.

It is a shame your DM doesn't want to help, but it is what it is.

Hoping things get better 💐

All I wanted was for my mum to put them in a pushchair and take them to the park so I could have a nap. When they came back tired but happy I could put them to bed early. She wouldn't take them out, when she had them they watched telly and came back full of energy.

I was on my knees. Looking back I was probably suffering from PND.

Now she wants me to help her. Well it has impacted on our previously close relationship. I help her, on my terms when I can be bothered. Sound familiar?

These sort of threads always attract a lot of weirdly cold and harsh responses. Parenting is not a contract, "I've done my bit, now my work is done", you are a parent forever and I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt by your dm. You are only hoping for a few hours help every now and then - what a difference three hours uninterrupted rest one afternoon once a week makes when you are on your knees with exhaustion. My dm doesn't do any formal childcare but she would do this if I was as exhausted as you obviously are.

To everyone saying,"why should they?" Well why should anyone do anything to help out family or friends? Why don't we all just do suits ourselves best? Because that's not how families work, not from my experiences in real life. I feel sorry for people saying their DPs have never had their DGC at all and they wouldn't expect them to, I would be hurt if my DP felt like that.

I think I would just tell her, or make passive aggressive flippant comments

I couldn't agree more with your earlier posts on this thread ssd.

There's a five year age gap between my sibling and I. My parents didn't have to pay for childcare for her because I did it all. My Mum started work when my sister went to school and I did the wrap around care for that, taking her to school picking her up. I did all school holiday care and baby sat once sometimes twice a week at night. This went on till I left home at 18. Before dsis started school my Dad had work colleagues that used to babysit for us for free. All those years of full time childcare and yet my parents whine and face pull about being asked and on the few occasions they have helped have ensured that I returned on the button with prompting phone calls, meals that have been cooked for certain time and I must be back for. It's always made quite clear how put upon they are by it. I'm a single parent and rarely get a break. I couldn't imagine not wanting to help my child out especially if I had had so very much help from her as she grew up and I could see how much she was struggling.

AntiopeofThemyscira That's unbelievable! Have you ever pointed this out to them ?

I remember writing about very similar issues re my own disinterested and unsupportive parents when my child was small.

Two decades on its got to the point where there is hardly any relationship to speak of between me and them. Its just an occasional phone call or visit and my now adult son is not all that bothered about them either. Their lack of overall interest never waivered throughout, my mother in particular would use the word "no" and otherwise cite being too busy to help out when I was on my knees with tiredness and feeling isolated.

She instead took it upon herself to clean my brother's house and do his washing (he lived alone) whilst he was at work so remained solitary. She had no employment to go to, friends or even hobbies to otherwise occupy her time (and that never changed either).

I never wanted full time childcare when he was small (she told me long before I became a parent that she had been there and done that and would not look after any children I had so). All I wanted was for them to actually see and play with my son for say one hour or watch him at the Christmas play. That never happened. It took me a long time, years actually, to come to some acceptance re all this (and this can still smart even now) so I would never want anyone to be in the same boat.

Atilla
Thanks for the very kind PM you sent. For reasons I can't fathom, MN isn't letting me reply to PMs at all, so I haven't been able to respond- but it wasn't for lack of appreciation or trying!

That's quite alright:).

(BTW does it say Message Poster next to my name; you can send a message to me that way).

Furry, I was really sad to read your thread. I think it's as simple as your still your mums little girl who needs some help, regardless of what the reason, and you're mum chooses not to. I don't think many of us mums could justify that....

my MIL never bothered too much with my kids. When she died we went to her funeral, no tears, came home and have never missed her. We still talk about my mum, daft wee things she said or did, lots of memories. MIL only had time for her unmarried adult kids, my actual kids weren't that important to her.

swings and roundabouts

prettywhiteguitar I have actually, in an email after a big child care related performance. We have not spoken since but that's me as much as them, I have had enough of their selfishness and hypocrisy.

Funnily enough though I posted about it on here and was, in the main, utterly roasted. I shouldn't have any expectations of childcare from my parents and the 12 years I provided for them was neither here nor there because that's just what families are supposed to do. Only from me to them though I suppose. A few people were on my side though with someone pointing out that I had contributed significantly to the economic viability of my family by providing all that child care for so long and a few nights baby sitting shouldn't be too much to ask. To clarify I live three hours from my parents and babysitting was requested only once or twice a year, if that, still much performing about it though. My kids are 11 and 14 now and I can count on one hand the amount of times my parents have looked after them.

saying that, there's loads of adult kids who use the grandparents for childcare above and beyond the call of duty, some of these parents have realised actually looking after your own children day in day out is exhausting and pretty boring so they gladly pass the buck to the grandparents and never seem to notice the grandparents become twice as exhausted as them.

givers and takers again

antilope, MN is a minefield, sometimes you get the support you deserve other times you get roasted alive by condescending arseholes.

AntiopeofThemyscira I think that says a lot about your parents! How selfish they are, I have had similar discussion on mn when my dh's parents let me down last minute for a work event. Apparently I should never ask for help even once a year !! Ridiculous!

I have had little to no help over the years, in fact when I needed it the most as a single parent I had mone at all !! They actually offer more now.

I just put it down to being totally selfish and unaware of themselves, I have 3 dc and I will tell mine that I will offer help (probably not child care) but certainly babysitting and days out so they can have a break. I just don't understand the selfishness

We have had a night away for the first time Ever, when I insisted that dh asked them (I am no /low contact with my mum) these are in laws that are around dh's brothers house every week doing it up, fixing gutters, putting up scaffolding to paint the house, all sorts whist he and his wife are at work it beggars belief

we're the same here, only ever had the total of one night away in 19 years, it's normal for us..

I'm so glad majority of people on this thread feel the same as OP, because I strongly feel the same aswell.

All that resentment that you feel, which you really don't want to feel!, is slightly eased by knowing you are not alone in feeling this way.

OP - sending you much empathy. I also have a youngest child with healthcare/food issues who does not sleep and wakes frequently in the evening/night.

Like you, my DP and I rarely spend any time together in the evening, we split the nights 50/50 so in theory we have a good nights sleep every other night but in reality the poor sleep builds up and we are also on our knees with exhaustion.

It's been so much worse since I went back to work - a pp mentioned you working as a "lifestyle choice" or similar, if you're like me, working is a necessity to afford a bog standard house in a bog standard area (as is the case for a lot of people these days - not many people can afford to have/be a sahp)

We live further away from our families and have very little support from friends, who just don't get it. If my parents lived closer and were as reluctant to help as yours, I would really resent it (especially at the moment when you're so drained). I would be tempted to tell your mother that if she wants to see the children she needs to come to you, that way her presence in your house might give you a chance for a breather rather than you rushing around going to hers.

I'm holding onto the hope that the sleeping will improve eventually and in the meantime buying in help (cleaners etc) to help us survive. Hoping the same for you too.