Struggling with DC and feel hurt that DPs don't help

[FurryGiraffe]

I'm finding myself increasingly hurt and resentful of my DM and it's affecting our previously close relationship. I really don't want to fall out with her, but I'm not sure how to proceed.

DH and I have two DC: 4 and 1. DC2 is a delight, but an appalling sleeper. This is mainly due to illness and food intolerance issues, which cause him discomfort and wake him up. We're working with the GP to fix things, and it is very very slowly getting better, but at this point we've had 7 months of very disrupted and fragmented sleep and we are both exhausted. DC2 wakes evening and night so evenings are often absorbed by dealing with him, with the result that DH and I often don't eat together and it's fairly rare that we even get to watch an hour of tv together without having to pause it for one of us to sort DS2 out, which all adds to that sense of never being off duty IYSWIM. It was just about manageable when I was on maternity leave, but add in full time work (even in a very flexible job) and commuting and I feel at breaking point: tired, constantly tearful, stressed, very very down.

My DPs live 15 miles away. DF still works full time but DM is retired. She is in her early 60s with no significant health issues. I visit regularly with the boys and they are wonderful grandparents, but they very rarely have either or both of them alone. They used to babysit DC1 in the evening fairly regularly, but haven't since DC2 was born. DM did look after them both for a couple of hours so we could visit schools for DC1 and they have had DC1 once overnight since DC2 was born.

Now, I know that they are my children, not my DPs' and that my DPs no doubt feel (quite rightly!) that their child-rearing days are over and they are under no obligation to look after them. That's fine. I get that- I agree with that, completely. But I am really really struggling and my DM knows that. Moreover, I know how much help both sets of DGPs gave my DPs when I was a child (childcare, financial, DIY, gardening- you name it). DM also regularly visits her sister and helps her out with cleaning/household stuff. I can't help but feel that if in 30 years time one of my DC and their partner were in a similar situation, I would want to help, because they're my children and I love them and I would want to make things easier for them. Even if it were sodding hard work and even if it knackered me, I would want to help. I feel hurt that my DM doesn't seem to want to help. And the longer it goes on the more hurt I feel.

Rationally, I know my DM hasn't done anything wrong, but emotionally, I'm really struggling with it. Being chronically sleep deprived probably isn't helping at all- I'm very emotional/quick to anger etc at the moment. But I need to work out a way of getting past this because it's affecting my relationship with DM- I really don't want to see or speak to her at the moment and I feel horrible about it.

Help!

Giraffe you are doing a great job. And your DP sounds like a keeper!
Your DMum is not going to help, she will only see them when you do all the work of delivering them to the door and supervising the visit.
Some GPs are just a bit crap like that.
Clutching at straws - if sleep is the issue for you, have you tried any from of sleep training? (Apologies if you have been there and got the t-shirt).
Sometimes we get so tired that we cannot contemplate making it any worse at all in the short term even for long-term gain, and training is quite frowned upon these days, it seems. But this may be the only way out of the problem for you. Have you tried the sleep boards here for suggestions, even with the allergy problems?

the op wants to feel her mum loves and cares about her and right now her mum isn't showing this, thats why she's so hurt

its not rocket science

I studied then worked as a SP with no help. Though i was so grateful to the lovely day nurseryDC attended. Sister later had lots of help from her DM (my SM) & PILs. I was a bit miffed but dwelling on it doesn't help. Thinking about other new mums I knew - most had little or no help beyond resident partners. So many people live too far from GPs for them to help much.

I think people are trying to give the OP a different perspective because imagining (or knowing) others have more help/ideal mothers makes it worse for her. Looking after young children is hard work but it passes.

Sleep deprivation makes everything harder including how you view yr mum. There could be something going g on with yr aunt that you are not aware of which makes yr mum this is she has to prioritise her.

I hope you find a solution eg alternate nights between you and partner but he will start sleeping more hopefully & it will become easier :)

Sorry, but I don't think your mum deserves to be resented for not taking on childcare. It's your lifestyle choice to have two toddlers and both work full-time. As someone who has lost their mum, I'd give a lot to have her back for just one chat and a hug and I certainly wouldn't resent her for not taking on two toddlers in her 60s.
I sympathise that you're sleep deprived and knackered, I really do. Presumably you work full time because you want a 2nd income to fund a level of lifestyle? Maybe re-assess that for the next year, or get a live-in au pair. But enjoy your mum while you can.

Yes it is her choice not to help - but she will also have to accept the consequences of that....when you have 2 young children and work ..your free time will be spent doing boring household stuff or all of you collapsing on the sofa watching tv...

You say she wants you to go over there as she's not seen them for a while.... then the answer is no sorry am too tired/busy whatever... at least for a visit they will need to come to you...

we had no help on either side IL's hours away and my DM Health concerns...but it still got me down that neither of them were really that bothered..

I think she's being a mean and selfish person unwilling to give her own dd some help when she's on her knees.

When my SIL had two under twos, the youngest was a complete nightmare, literally screaming or feeding. One afternoon SIL lost it and called her parents in a sobbing mess. They went round and helped for a couple of hours. Next day they told me in a very concerned way how awful it was for SIL. So I innocently suggested that maybe they could help her for one afternoon a week until things eased up.

They looked as shocked as if I'd suggested they sell their house and give it away. They were early sixties, fit and retired and having fun, fun, fun. No way would they do that. I was so shocked, they are highly practising Catholic and couldn't see any irony in refusing to help their desperate daughter for a month or two.

They are now in their late eighties and incredibly frail. We all run around after them constantly and largely without complaint. Once or twice I've reflected on this and hope I never, ever get so selfish about 'my time' that I could ignore a child of mine in distress.

So, OP, YANBU and I would tell your DM exactly how broken you feel and really need her for a while. One of these days she will need you. What comes around...

My in laws live locally and weren't much help with our two boys when they were little and wild and I was really sleep deprived. They just couldn't cope, and I couldn't understand why so I felt let down.

Now they are much better and take the boys for a full day or even overnight (4 and 7yo). I'd forgotten how resentful I used to feel. In the meantime can a childminder or friend take a shift to give you chance to nap?

Thanks once again all for your perspectives, especially those who 'get' why I feel sad about it. I realise of course that some paid weekend childcare is the way forward and an option we'll be pursuing. It just wasn't something we'd factored in/anticipated needing (because DS1 was healthy and slept well!) I have no intention of trying to guilt trip or cajole my DM into babysitting: she is fully aware of the situation and either doesn't want to help or doesn't feel able to. That's fine and she's entitled to feel that way; equally I think I'm entitled to feel a bit sad and disappointed about that. I'll get over it in time I'm sure.

I've been thinking this afternoon about the 'you chose to have children' line of argument. While I think it stands up when it comes to people expecting friends/relatives to provide regular childcare (i.e. To facilitate work), I do wonder at its application in the crisis/emergency situations that some people have spoken about here. Of course nobody is ever obliged to help anyone else, but I think we do all hope that in times of great and unexpected need we would assist those we love and vice versa. I don't think that hope becomes unreasonable or unjustified simply because the need relates to children.

Buy in some help
Buy in childcare and babysitters
And cleaning
And gardening
And anything else

You can't guilt trip your dm and it s sad but many people don't get free help . I didnt. But you can buy some in.

it's not about her getting free help or expecting it, it's about her mum not wanting to do it, to help her out

Im a gm in mid50s. I was surprised at how exhausted l get minding my gc. I love her dearly but the responsibility is so different. I could totlly relax with my own but with gd l feel l cant take my eyes off her as dont want anything to happen. Also its probably my age and less energy. But l do help and would never see her dps stuck.
Im wondering op if your dm feels she is not up to minding a difficult child.
Also lm very busy with my own committments. I have built up a very busy life since my dc left home so l dont have much free time.
I think you may be dropping her hints instead of asking. My gds parents ask me straight out with definite time so l can factor it in. And lm always available in emergencies. Is there any way your dm offered a lot with your first but you didnt accept as managing so now she has decided not to bother anymore?

The Op feels that her mother doesn't love her. Because the OP desperately needs a few hours of her mothers time. Her mothet could easily give this time and help but she chooses not to.

That's what hurts.

I really feel for you, I just can't get my head round why a grandparent won't help out with their grandkids, it baffles me. Would it really be a hardship for grandparents to come over and have their grandchildren one night per month!! My son loved going to stay at granny's every now and again, yes it's tiring but isn't there a saying "the reward for being a parent is to become a grandparent" being a grandparent is apparently better than a parent cos you can give them back. Some people are just odd. I hope you get some help and a night off soon. Parents should be there for their children no matter how old especially as your asking for a little of their time and not money etc

I don't understand why you're so angry about having to get paid child care. You can afford it. It's clearly the best option. But you'd rather force your mother to do it... because family? You seem to be taking it extremely personally.

Also, your child doesn't sleep well. That's... not out of the realms of possibility when you have a child, no? It's not like your child has a serious medical condition or disability and your mother refuses to help out. I don't know. I mean, she'll sleep eventually. She's only 1. It's not like she's 6 and has never slept, she's a baby. The level of bitterness you seem to be harboring towards your mother seems very disproportionate. I was looking for some broken promises or something but no, you just think she should be stepping up to do unpaid childcare for you... just because.

But that's the point isn't it. I think you are displacing your anger onto your mother as a way to deflect from feeling angry at yourself. I mean, before you had a child, did you ever discuss regular childcare with your servant mother? I don't mean that you had to run your birth plans by her but did you actually discuss with her what she was capable of? Probably not. Did she agree to any of this? No. You feel like you chose to have this child and she won't sleep and you hate it. You feel like you can't complain because you chose this. But you can pretend that you didn't chose it by pointing at your mother. You expected her to help out more so actually it's her fault! You expected her to help because family and she won't so really you not coping is on her.

You're very firmly rejecting the idea that she feels she can't cope with 2 even though it's really obvious she feels she can't. You desperately need to blame her so go ahead. Honestly, I'd feel sorry for her being unfairly blamed but she sounds kind of badass and definitely like she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and deflecting your misplaced guilt. I'm sure she'll be fine regardless.

I get it. Before me and my sisters had kids, you would have thought my mum would be the most hands on grandmother ever. But the fact is, she's very much like yours.

TBF, it's mostly because of my DF, he works and isn't a great lover of children. My mum feels she needs to consult him on everything and dedicate her weekends to him. There's probably a feeling that after a full week at work my DF wouldn't want kids around at the weekend, which is understandable. But it does sometimes hurt that my DM would never say to him actually, this weekend I want to see the grandkids (I don't just mean to babysit them, I mean to spend time with us).

I also think from your post, it sounds like she doesn't believe you and/or understand the situation. I know my mum didn't when DD didn't sleep through the night until she was nearly 4. She couldn't understand why my child had these issues because her children never did and if they did they would have been quickly stamped out with a bit of controlled crying. I think she started to think I wasn't helping myself and therefore didn't really see why she should help me.

I think I would talk with her if I were you and be honest if you have had a close relationship with her, even if she thinks you're out of order, it should be repairable

*The Op feels that her mother doesn't love her. Because the OP desperately needs a few hours of her mothers time. Her mothet could easily give this time and help but she chooses not to.

That's what hurts.*

It's this, isn't it? Isn't this what families are supposed to do? Back each other up and support each other in good times and bad? It can be heart-breaking when you realise you don't have that in your family.

My kids are in the unfortunate position of having four crap grandparents, none of whom have ever lifted a finger - while (certainly in the ILs' case) going well out of their way to look after and support my kids' cousins.

My own mother got me to drop her at the airport hours early for a flight home when my DS2 was 10 days old. She knew I was desperate for the help and support (undiagnosed PND with DS1, diagnosed with DS2) and exhausted. But all she wanted to do was get out of my home. I was in tears when I left her, and had to pull into a shopping centre five minutes away as I didn't feel safe to drive. She's never spoken of it.

It's not about expecting them to drop everything to fill the gaps, it's about wondering how a human being can show so little empathy and kindness to their own offspring. I don't get it, and I certainly hope I am a better GP when (if) my time comes.

on the day I was due with ds2, my MIL came over to "help" me....ds1 was a toddler and running around non stop and I'd had a difficult pregnancy and was shattered...and huge. MIL was 2 hours late, asked what I was making for lunch then ate and left. She was absolutely no use at all.

BUT it only annoyed me, I wasn't gutted as I would have been if my mum had done that. 2 weeks later when I went in to have ds2 my mum of 75 stayed in my house all day with ds1, who cried for me all day I heard! It couldn't have been easy for her but she did it as she loved me and wanted to help as best she could.

Thats all the op wants, her mum to care about her.

Spretty much any healthy adult can cope with two children for an hour or two [hmmm] OP isn't asking for her parents to look after her children mon-fri 8-6, she wants an hour or two here or there for her parents to spend time with her children so she can cope better with her busy life.

OP! I'm sorry, I know it hurts. In my experience most babies with sleep issues tend to get better at 18 months so if you're can hang on for a while it will get easier [hugs]

Once my DH went away with PIL for a week's holiday, leaving me on my own with 2 very young children for the whole week.
MIL stood next to me and commented about how hard it would be for me that week, then smiled, picked up her bag and left without an offer of even an hour's help.
Some people are just like that.

FIL not PIL

I'm in a similar situation and what is most hurtful is that it's not really about the grandparent/grandchild relationship but about the parent/daughter relationship. I have two children and eldest has SN. When the second was born and was poorly and very challenging I almost had a nervous breakdown (fell asleep driving several times etc) from exhaustion and mental stress. She came to my house twice that year. 45min drive. I can't imagine that I would watch my adult child go through that total hell and not want to help them. It's not a case of being here all the time but of recognising a crisis situation and trying to show love and care in the midst of that. It has irreparably damaged our relationship.

ssd that's it's in a nutshell. It's just about wanting someone to care for you when you are totally spent caring for others.

Also usually the really challenging bit is relatively short. I would have appreciated some help with a baby and toddler in laws were actively unhelpful. So not as if you asking for years of input just the odd night when you have 2 under 2.

Now mine easy and good company mil asked recently if we did need any childcare. Nope 6 years too late thanks.

I'd help anyone with a childcare emergency but this isn't one.

You have a partner that can help and could take turns with the night duties so you both get a full nights sleep every other night. Plus you have the money to buy childcare.