He's putting conditions on having sex with me

[Mumtoahostofdingbats]

My husband (don't want to say DH as doesn't feel that D at the moment) has had problems with intimacy and sex our whole marriage. In hindsight I shouldn't have married him as it's now non existent. I asked him what we should do and he said well you know what to do. Heels and lingerie. I just feel I shouldn't have to dress up and besides which he has rejected me SO much in the past it's killed all my confidence and I would feel a 'fool' and like I was opening myself up to more hurt when he still doesn't want to. Am I being selfish? Should I dress up for him? Even though it makes me uncomfortable ? Please help.

Tell him you now charge 100 quid

Does he watch a lot of pornography?

He separates sex from you personally, doesn't he? Has he always done that?

It's not how I would want to live, tbh. Are you happy?

Your confidence and self worth must be shattered, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. If he loved, valued and wanted to have sex with you, he'd do that no matter what you wore or didn't wear. Those terms and conditions seem very unfair and damaging. Maybe if he didn't put terms and conditions on you, you'd be more inclined to dress up every now and again anyway because you'd actually feel sexy. You don't have to put up with this man. Sending love x

So basically it has to be all about him for him to want it? Ask him how he intends to make it more enjoyable for you, bet he hasn't even considered it...

No of course you shouldn't. What would be the point?

It certainly wouldn't take you any steps further towards the goal - which is presumably a mutually satisfying, supportive, trusting sex life - would it?

One short answer to this is - it looks as if he would benefit from counselling.

Another fairly short answer is - if this is the extent of his ability to 'discuss' the issue - basically making his problem your problem, as well as totally failing to engage with you... well, maybe his attitude is part of the issue.

But a better question might be - given that this is him, what do you really think and what do you really want? You know him. Is he as unpleasant (and misogynist) as this post makes him sound, or is what he said a reaction to his upset at having issues with sex? Do you want to fix things?

But - you are NOT being selfish in refusing to play blow-up doll for him.

Op, I feel our pain. My Dh has previously not wanted sex due to my size. He prefers very slim, athletic type of physiques and has made some really insensitive comments I the past which utterly killed my confidence. He now wants sex but I completely don't, I don't know if I ever will with him again. Personally I feel that if I had to jump certain hoops to make him want me it would (and has!) completely kill the attraction for me. Please don't feel you have to change or be a certain way.

If it makes you uncomfortable then no, of course you shouldn't do anything sexually that makes you feel that way. I really feel for you though, it's horrible when someone makes you feel crap and you lose your confidence. Take care xx

Tell him to fuck off, honestly, the crap some women put up with; it's his responsibility to give you a satisfying love life too; in fact him saying that to me would entail the status quo; I'd honestly be re-evaluating the whole relationship and if I was willing to continue with such a selfish man.

Agree that its him that has the problem with intimacy and sex, but he can't admit to that so he's making it your problem. It's just a diversionary tactic and he may still not want to have sex even if you did dress up for him.
There is nothing wrong with wearing lingerie if you're with a man who makes you feel fantastic whether you're wearing it or not. My DH likes lingerie, but he doesn't need me to be wearing it to get in the mood and there's no point if I'm not feeling comfortable anyway.
Don't let him makes you feel that this is your problem because it's not.

What are your conditions OP? Never understood the obsession with heels & a bit of fanjo bunting. How old is he exactly?
Do what you're comfortable with & no more. And if he's not happy with that, then so be it

misterdog yes same. During and up to a year after pregnancy he wouldn't sleep with me because I was bigger. He told me he saw me as a 'sister' 😳 When I lost weight he started to show a slight interest again.

Thank you to all of you. I realize I am in a very unhealthy marriage and am crying at reading that it isn't me being unreasonable and he is being a total twat.

Imperialblether yes we've had issues with porn in the past, namely that in first year of marriage after our first child was bron he didn't sleep with me for 18 months. We went to relate and he said he had no libido but I found loads of porn on our computer one afternoon in the search history. He's watched it often even though I've told him I hate it and feel he's rejecting me for porn.

I don't think he can connect me with sex or intimacy. He can't orgasm through blow jobs or hand jobs and only if he's on top. It's all so awkward and unsexy as I feel like I'm not good enough. I've considered surgery I feel so crap about my body (mummy makeover type stuff)

fizzygreenwater yes he can be incredibly unpleasant and puts me down ALOT. I'm 40, 5 ft 4" and 57 kg and not in bad shape at all but he has said he doesn't fancy me unless I'm 'doled' up for a night out or as he now has told me, dressed like a slut in heels and lingerie.

I'd agree on condition that he wore heels and lingerie too. And provided lap dances.

adora10 I am seriously thinking of leaving him/ when to do it. I just feel like no one will ever fancy me and I will be alone forever. Sorry for pity party . My self confidence is shot.

Jesus Christ! I would be very tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine and show utter repulsion at the sight of his body, and leaving pictures open on the computer of stunning young men....but I'm a spiteful cow!

Instead I think you need to focus your energy on leaving, this relationship is not healthy for you.

I guess this is the start of the end and I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not ducking out or 'not trying hard enough to make it work' I just don't even want to sleep with him as he's made me feel so unattractive.

You poor thing.
Of course men will fancy you!

But look, worst case scenario and no man does? (this is really really not going to happen!)

Well... would you rather be single and un-fancied, than stuck in a "relationship" with an arsehole who is chipping (nay, hacking) away at your self esteem?

No sex single is better than shit sex in a soul destroying marriage.

The thing is maybe my body is gross. Saggy boobs, mummy tummy..... the media makes you feel you aren't good enough and then your husband reconfirms this. I said to him my body is wrecked from childbirth and he said yes it is. It's a nice body but not what it was..... 😭

Second those who say leave now. Life really is too short and frankly living alone is better than this. A partner should make you feel better not worse.

The irony is, leave this arsehole and in 12 months time you'll probably be CHOOSING to wear nice lingerie bevause you'll be feeling confident and sexual and have a lovely boyfriend that you WANT to wear it for. And most importantly, that same boyfriend will be grinning like a loon at you when you're in your saggy big grey period pants too, because there are decent men out there. Promise you x

I had a partner like this. I wasn't young and so didn't really know any different but looking back he had a lot of sexual issues that were downright weird and serious intimacy issues. His big thing was heels and lingerie. It didn't bother me inasmuchas I didn't especially dislike dressing up (in fact I quite enjoyed a lot of it) but looking back it put a lot of pressure on me to perform in a way that I always felt a bit uncomfortable with. It was only later, in a different relationship where the boyfriend was remotely bothered by that kind of thing that I realised how much I felt like an actress playing a part I felt during that kind of sex and how a) it's a massive pressure and b) it kills genuine intimacy.

I'm glad I'm not married to a man who wants that kind of sex life. I think long term, as you get older, with kids etc it would become very wearisome and I don't think the pressure here should be on you to dress up but on him to assess why he wants it. Once every so often, yeah okay, but if it's a regular thing he wants a lot I think it's too much.

I'm 40, 5 ft 4" and 57 kg and not in bad shape at all

I am 35, 5'4 and 79kg. I am currently trying to lose weight (for me) and you are 7kg lower than my 'goal weight'. My DH loves me as I am, with all my curves and flab, and repeatedly says I don't know how beautiful/sexy I am. which is true, because I'm not, but I am getting fitter and healthier

I don't know you, nor your situation, (and am loathe to say LTB to someone I don't know) but imo you are NOT the problem.

Your husband is a dick and not representative of all men. There's someone so much better out there for you.

You will all go nuts when I tell you he said that if he worked out he could have the body of a god. 😬 The thing is I know he's being a total prick but I just seem to make excuses for him in my head even though part of me fucking hates him and would like to smack his smug face.

He's the one with issues. Not you. "If you do this it'll change, if you do that it'll change." In reality, nothing will change. There will always be another excuse. He's putting the onus on you, when it's him. Don't take the blame or beat yourself up.