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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's putting conditions on having sex with me

109 replies

Mumtoahostofdingbats · 06/06/2017 14:12

My husband (don't want to say DH as doesn't feel that D at the moment) has had problems with intimacy and sex our whole marriage. In hindsight I shouldn't have married him as it's now non existent. I asked him what we should do and he said well you know what to do. Heels and lingerie. I just feel I shouldn't have to dress up and besides which he has rejected me SO much in the past it's killed all my confidence and I would feel a 'fool' and like I was opening myself up to more hurt when he still doesn't want to. Am I being selfish? Should I dress up for him? Even though it makes me uncomfortable ? Please help.

OP posts:
BorisTrumpsHair · 06/06/2017 14:53

Mum is really no surprise you don't want someone who has this really crappy attitude towards you and towards sex.

It is really unreasonable of him to say he will have sex with you if you jump through all his hoops - no wonder your confidence is shot.

Please get yourself a little mantra going - "it's not me it's you" or something similar. Because really this isn't because you are undesirable or unsexy - it is because your H is a dickwad who prioritises his relationship with porn over once with you, and actual real person. It's not you, it's him.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 14:53

The way you feel is a normal reaction. He is treating you as an object for his pleasure. He obviously has hang ups about sex and can only perform if a slut fantasy is involved. You want to make love, and feel loved and appreciated.

The nastiness and put downs are really the nail in the coffin.
You deserve better x

Ellisandra · 06/06/2017 14:54

I'm really pleased for him that he can get the body of a god if he works out.
Nice to know he'll have a nice little hobby and a goal to fill his time when you've dumped his nasty arse.

7461Mary18 · 06/06/2017 14:55

It sounds like you have always wanted a lot more sex than he does and there is a big difference in libido. Is that correct?

If so it is a big problem in a lot of marriages. I don't think it necessarily relates to what people do in bed. he's just saying he likes high heels to put you off. If he really had a high sex drive he would tolerate the absence of high heels and have a lot of sex with you and be very glad you were constantly up for it!

Does he not even masturbate very often? Perhaps his testosterone levels are very low and he should see the GP, not that I am saying men and women have to have a high sex drive and it is a medical problem if they don't of course but if one wants more sex and the other doesn't it usually causes problems.

shesnotme · 06/06/2017 14:56

Sorry but your relationship sounds fucked. Sad Leave him and find someone who wants to shag you into next week.

Original poster
Mumtoahostofdingbats · 06/06/2017 14:56

Thank you ladies. This isn't something I feel I can discuss with many people in RL so it really helps to know I'm not the problem. We have three beautiful children and I am in agony at what this will do to them but I have to leave. I can't spend the next 20 or more years feeling like a haggard old cow when I longed to be loved and desired for who I am and not just what I look like.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/06/2017 14:59

You are spot on OP, it will be hard, really hard but once that plaster has been ripped off a new and more happier life awaits you, a happy mum means happy kids.

HarmlessChap · 06/06/2017 15:02

I'm conflicted on this. On the face of it it's totally wrong but I know that having gone through several years without sex with my DW, if she'd said wearing a fireman's uniform would be a turn on for her if have bought one, that day.

You call it conditions, but if he has a very poor libido he could simply be telling you what things are a turn on for him and likely to spur what little libido he has into life, albeit in a pretty ham fisted way.

clippityclop · 06/06/2017 15:02

Run. You deserve better.

Arealhumanbeing · 06/06/2017 15:02

Don't dress up for him, OP. Read your posts, you don't want to do it and he doesn't deserve it. He has been horrible to you.

How easy or hard would leaving him be? In terms of finances, the house etc. It can be done regardless but do you have a starting point in mind? Would it help to begin by taking some time away from him if that's possible?

StormTreader · 06/06/2017 15:03

"You will all go nuts when I tell you he said that if he worked out he could have the body of a god. "

Well, if I had a million pounds, I'd be a millionaire. What a bizarre thing for him to say! Tell him to go do that then.

JaneEyre70 · 06/06/2017 15:05

Being on your own is a far better option than being with someone who makes you feel shit about yourself. Flowers

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 15:07

Seeing your actual weight, no way that this could be the issue with her lack of libido. It has nothing to do with how you look. If it was my dh would never want to have sex with me (at size 18)...

As for wearing heels, I agree with a PP. What is he going to do for you?
Is he going to stop putting you down? Is he going to start taking responsibiity for himslef and his uses (his lack of libido is cetainly HIS issue, probably down to porn).

I have to say too, the comment about only seeing you like a sister was probably the truth. He doesnt fancy younis the bottom line but doesnt have the gut to separate and give you the opportunity to find someone who would love you whilst finding someone for himself.

Justmuddlingalong · 06/06/2017 15:07

If yer Aunt had a fanny, she'd be yer Uncle. Body of a God, indeed. Ditch. There is someone who will adore you out there. I didn't think I'd ever have the body confidence to meet anyone else. But I did and I feel adored. And I say that as someone who has a belly like an explosion in a Play Doh factory.

MrsD79 · 06/06/2017 15:08

Tell him to grow a bigger dick and get a personality transplant and then you may consider him! Nob!

BluePeppers · 06/06/2017 15:08

The thing about him being able to have the body of a God... is that he actually has NOT out that effort in has he?

If he cant be bothered t do it, why should you??

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 15:09

"he can be incredibly unpleasant and puts me down ALOT"

Sounds like emotional abuse to me. Please check out the link - does he do anything else on the list?

He treats you with contempt and has no doubt caused your low self esteem. It will only get worse, not better. Don't do any more couple's counselling with him - it would only work if he was open and honest about his porn use, willing to accept that his behaviour is wrong and change it, and above all, was respectful towards you. Which he isn't.

I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, get some support (counselling and/or call Women's Aid and/or talk to supportive family/friends) and LTB.

gillybeanz · 06/06/2017 15:09

This is awful OP and no way should you do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

I've had spells where I dressed up for dh, but it was just as much for my benefit as his, and i enjoyed it.
That's a completely different scenario to being cajoled into it.

tell him you'll dress up when you have a man with the body of a god Grin
Has he started working out yet?

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 15:10

It's in your children's best interests to leave him btw, sorry to say it you haven't exactly been teaching them about how to conduct healthy relationships.

NameChange30 · 06/06/2017 15:11

Missed out a word
sorry to say it but

SenseiWoo · 06/06/2017 15:11

Sex without kindness and appreciation from your partner is demeaning and miserable. Don't do it!

Your husband probably tries to make you feel that his views are normal and correct, but they really aren't. He is nasty. Without him I am willing to bet you would start to feel better about yourself (and the idea of having sex) almost immediately.

ShakingAndShocked · 06/06/2017 15:15

I so rarely say this and think it's trotted out WAY too easily and frequently on here but honestly OP? I would absolutely LTB.

And even if you don't happen to meet someone else immediately please always remember this mantra so repeat after me: 'I'd rather be on the right shelf than stuck in the wrong cupboard.'

GladAllOver · 06/06/2017 15:19

There is only one thing wrong with you OP. You have the misfortune to be attached to the wrong man. Once you are free of him you will find that you are attracted by and attracted to men. Men who have not been desensitised by overexposure to porn.

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 06/06/2017 15:21

I said to him my body is wrecked from childbirth and he said yes it is

  • how dare he say that! - it's changed shape because it grew beautiful babies. It's a nice body but not what it was.....

he can be incredibly unpleasant and puts me down A LOT

During and up to a year after pregnancy he wouldn't sleep with me because I was bigger

Op I am in disbelief here, what an arse he is!

HE is the problem my lovely, not you. You're only 40. You have so much more life to live. You don't have to live it in this unpleasant, mysogynistic atmosphere.

Adora10 · 06/06/2017 15:28

He has zero respect for you OP, probably none for himself, for years he has replaced having a loving and intimate relationship with you with porn; and it's still affecting him, to the point he can no longer get hard.

And you think it's all because of YOU, no, you are so very wrong, it's about his complete lack of respect and consideration for your feelings, you really need to get out OP, it won't get better.

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